Summary: When Xander makes a wish, Buffy finds a loophole. WARNING: Totally a Xander-bashing fic. Honestly, don't read if you like him.
Challenge: none. I doubt anyone could have thought of putting this out there, but you never know.
Timeline: post-'Chosen'. Not comic-compliant.
A/N: Brought to you today by Musie's evil mind. Apparently she isn't too fond of Xander this past week.
Warning: see the summary.
Thanks to my betas: none.
Disclaimer: BtVS and AtS characters belong to Joss Whedon / Mutant Enemy. I claim no rights to any copyrighted material. Please do not copy or take this story without my permission.
Several years after Sunnydale…
Buffy sighed in resignation. She tried to time her visits to headquarters so it wouldn't coincide with his, but sometimes it couldn't be helped. The annual report was one of those times.
Thinking back to her first year in Sunnydale, Buffy wondered if maybe she shouldn't have been so subtle in her earliest attempts to get Xander to back off. Calling him one of the girls, telling him she was happy the bracelet was from him 'cause with a guy, she would worry it was dating-related, even trying to let him down easy when he came right out and asked her to the dance. Maybe if she had been brutal about it, she wouldn't be in this mess.
After Sunnydale, once he took some time to mourn Anya, Xander started sniffing around again. With years of her complimenting him when it was safe to do so (when he had a girlfriend) – she thought he understood that there wasn't even remotely a possibility of the two of them so she didn't see the harm in it – he was relentless in his pursuit. No matter how many times she shot him down, he kept coming back.
The only times he took a break was to try and make her jealous with another woman. He dated a Slayer, but that had no effect. He dated a woman who looked like Buffy, but with the same results. The final straw came when he started dating Dawn, whose previous crush had returned and became almost an obsession with the younger Summers.
The bastard had the nerve to take Dawnie's virginity, and when he finished, he called out Buffy's name, shattering Dawn's heart. Only with having Faith around to protect her constantly, was Dawn able to survive long enough to get over the betrayal…and eventually to forgive Buffy for Xander's actions.
But he was a decent Watcher for the most part, and there was a shortage of those, so he remained in the Council. Since the incident with Dawn, Buffy avoided being alone with him or even be near him.
However, it seemed that her luck had finally run out. He managed to corner her outside the conference room to plead his case for the thousandth time, "But why won't you give me a chance, Buffy? I'm not a vampire like Angel or Spike, and I would never hurt you like Parker or Riley. Just give me a chance!"
Crushing the doorknob behind her to keep from striking him, Buffy snapped out, "Xander, I wouldn't give you a chance if you were the last man on earth!"
Even though he knew better than to do it, Xander's anger and lust allowed him to utter the fatal words, "Oh yeah? Well, I wish I were 'cause I bet you'd change your mind then!"
A flash of light told him his wish was granted.
When he opened his eyes again, he could see the door behind Buffy was open, and there were only women seated around the table. It may not have been the smartest thing he had ever done, but if it got him Buffy, it could be worth it. Plus, she would have to share him if they wanted the human race to survive. Oh, the fun he would have!
His joy was short-lived, however, when he heard Buffy ask, "Hey, Wills? You're like the uber goddess wicca now, right? So you can create a way for two women to have children, can't you?"
A/N: I warned you it wasn't for people who liked Xander.