Thanks for the reviews!

Man, glad this is over, huh?

(Well, a little… Good things always come to an end.)

Oh, and...I totally almost forgot to update~


Hinata turned her head to the side at his spaced out expression.

"Um, Naruto…"

"Naruto?"

Those big eyes were getting eerie.

Sasuke smirked at his lovely wife and ridiculed the dazed out blonde. "He's like you a month ago."

Hinata puffed her cheeks — was not!

Well, maybe a little.

Okay! She totally was this painfully distraught soul who hated the very presence of Sasuke Uchiha after seeing him after so many years, but she wasn't like that anymore! A-ha!

And, yes, she was way too happy about that fact. She was convinced: Sasuke brainwashed her.

And damn it, she loved every second of it.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and swiftly grabbed Naruto's arm. He almost smiled when the grown man nearly jumped out of his skin at his touch.

"Stop—"

"What! Are you crazy!" Naruto yelled. He smacked the psycho's and gave him a dirty look. "You can't just go around grabbing people."

He gulped at Sasuke's edgy glare, but held his ground! There was security at this gym.

Plus, he was more focused on something of much more importance.

"Hinata," Naruto called. "What are you doing here with him—"

"We're married!" Sasuke sneered and jerked Hinata towards him by her arm.

"What! HOW!"

He showed a shaky smirk. This was going to be the best day of his life! "SHE proposed."

Naruto scoffed and flagged him. Sasuke almost burst into tears. "Hinata would never marry you — or propose to you."

"She did…!" he fussed. Hinata got scared when he eyed her anxiously. "Tell him."

"I…" Her mouth was opening but nothing was coming out. Seriously, though — that story was wack and embarrassing.

"Hinata," Sasuke called.

"Hinata!" Naruto shouted.

"Hinata…"

"HINATA?"

"Hinata!"

"We are!" she screamed.

Sasuke smirked and Naruto's jaw dropped.

"What? Why would you marry him!" he whined.

She felt so bad. Naruto looked pissed! And it wasn't that he was angry, but…confused. Why would she marry the same guy who made their lives living hell? Yes, he knew she didn't really know that Sasuke bullied him during senior year, but he bullied her through high school! It didn't make sense, so he was baffled as hell and a bit hurt. Good lord, it was like when she broke up with him a couple of weeks after Valentine's Day — he didn't understand either situations. Plus, when did Sasuke start to like her? He hated her!

Hinata didn't know what to say. "I…I'm s—"

"Let's go," Sasuke interrupted.

"Wha—we're leaving? Already?" she asked.

He shrugged lightly. "I'm hungry."

"Wait!" Naruto yelled.

Sasuke shivered at that fool's voice. He was so close to leaving him there wallowing in his misery.

He glanced away and rubbed the back of his neck. "Hinata. Can we…talk—"

"No," Sasuke said.

"What! I wasn't asking you."

Hinata just stood there, thinking that it was totally cool that she had no say in this.

And Naruto was crazy. Sasuke would never let her out of his sight.

"What?" Naruto smiled viciously. "Are you afraid that if we're together, then—"

"Hinata, go with him," Sasuke said and pushed her forward.

Naruto was surprised, but grinned. It worked on that idiot! Hinata was even more stunned than Naruto. However, she could see that Sasuke didn't like giving her away like that. His look basically said, "No more than two hours…make that one. Or even thirty minutes."

And each second, his stare was cutting that timeframe in half.

"O-okay…" She smiled at him. "I'll be back soon."

Sasuke smirked. Of course he could trust her. They were so in synch.

So dynamic duo.

So zombie and human flesh!

Well, that was a terrible comparison but it was understood: they got each other.

And that's why he could let her out of his sight now!

Two to three hours later, Sasuke found himself sitting at a table — next to a creepy relative and across from his wife.

He wasn't smiling, smirking, or happy.

This was why he didn't let her out of his sight: she was stupid!

And the kind that was hurtful.

"Well, here's the agreement we settled on," Naruto said. He slid a paper across to Madara.

Sasuke's leg was bouncing up and down. Madara scoffed at the loose leaf.

Damn it! He should have just called her after the first hour!

This was what happened when he left her alone?

Madara thought this whole thing was a joke — it was lunch time.

"So, as Hinata's divorce lawyer…" Naruto announced proudly.

Hinata's head dropped when Sasuke folded his arms and glared at her.

A list of things needed to be known. One! Sasuke didn't even know Naruto went to school to be a lawyer — and they accepted him? Two! Hinata was basically dumping him faster than the speed of light. And three! This was FUCKING ridiculous!

Hinata couldn't even look at Sasuke for the moment. Where did today go wrong! She remembered waking up this morning, married and blissfully happy. Now she was seconds away from becoming a divorcee just because she explained her situation to Naruto. She thought he deserved to know since they went out at a point, but she didn't know he would lead it to this! Maybe she should have just said that since their terrible marriage situation, she has fallen in…fallen in…well, she has come to like him a lot! And yes, this was what she always wanted — up until recently.

And the way Sasuke looked at her — she's never seen him so stressed.

"Technically, he's not even a lawyer," Madara pointed out.

"Hey!" Naruto shouted. "I will be!"

He just needed to pass his extremely difficult entrance exam.

Sasuke perked up at that news. YES! "This is fake, then…?"

His cousin stared blanking. "No. it's real."

He was an ass! "But you said—"

"She's representing herself, with his help." He smiled at the baffled lady. "Isn't that right, Hinata?"

Wait, what was happening now? "I—"

"That's right!" Naruto was beaming! Anything to make Sasuke rot in melancholy! "And with the divorce, she demands half of Sasuke's salary!"

"WHAT!" Hinata and Sasuke screamed.

Sasuke was seeing red and she shook her head continuously. "I-I…that's too much!"

Naruto grinned with eyes closed. And that was sickening.

It was even more sickening than what was happening. No — that was a lie.

Sasuke needed some air.

"Wait!" Hinata called and chased after him. "S-Sasuke!"

Madara shook his head at the man across from him. Naruto squinted his eyes.

"What?" he asked.

"You aren't a divorce lawyer."

Naruto frowned. How did he know that?

"Wait, Sasuke!" Hinata finally stopped when he did the same. She took a deep breath.

She bit down on her lip. She didn't know what to say. "I'm…I'm sorry about Naruto…"

He still didn't turn around. Was he ignoring her? "I…you don't have to give—"

"I'll give it to you," he said.

Her eyes widened when he turned around to show her he was serious. What! "I—"

His brow wrinkled. His hands slipped in his pockets. "I'll give you anything."

And he only had one favor. "Don't leave."

She didn't know what to say, and he figured that was a no — even after everything.

"Sasuke!" She followed quickly when he started walking away.

This divorcing was crazy, but this was what she wanted.

Well, what she used to want. "S-Sasuke! We…we can still be frie—"

"I don't want to be friends," he snapped.

Wow, foot in her mouth. He turned and glared at her.

What did it take to get that through her skull!

-x-

"Hey!" Kiba yelled over the loud music. "Sorry about—"

"Shut up," Sasuke mumbled. How did he find out anyway? Stalker.

And another sip of the rough Whiskey.

Add a hint of Misery.

Topped with Heartaches by the Number.

There was no liquor, book, or song that could express how he was feeling right now.

He was getting divorced!

"Hey," a girl next to him said. He glared at her drunkenly and she laughed.

"Drowning your sorrows?" she asked politely.

Sasuke was buried in his drink, and for the time the brunette was giving Kiba a strange look, who was mouthing words of caution. And trust him when he knew her hitting on him now was a very bad idea. This incident was actually very déjà vu. Take it back to the last day of senior year, when the idiot asked Hinata out and didn't give her enough time to reject him. To sum everything up: it was a nightmare. He treated every girl like she was a lifeless puppet and that wasn't as painless as it sounded.

To put it straight, he had to give at least twenty girls insecurity issues.

Sasuke looked up, red in the cheeks and gave the girl a snob look. "What's your name?" he asked.

Kiba looked away; this was going to be painful.

She smiled. "Rin."

He nodded and took another sip of his drink. "You should change it."

She scoffed lightly. "Is that so—"

"And dye your hair."

"Um, well—"

"You would look less bland if it was longer."

"Excuse me—"

"Change it. Get bangs."

"I like my hair—"

"You shouldn't."

"Ugh!"

Kiba frowned as she walked away. One down — tons more to go.

"Hinata," Sasuke slurred. "Buy me a drink."

She scowled. "My name's Emi."

He didn't appreciate her tone! "I'd remember a more pleasant face."

She rolled her eyes and got up. "Prick."

"Bitch."

Kiba smirked. That one was a little funny.

"So, you're getting divorced?" a girl yelled.

"Leave me alone," Sasuke muttered.

"He is!" Kiba said.

She nodded.

"I'll buy you a drink—"

"I'll talk to you when you take care of yourself better."

Her mouth gaped. What a douche!

Kiba just sat by and watched girls' confidence drop like flies. He was originally there to make sure Sasuke didn't kill himself (because, face it, this was his last chance with Hinata and he won't be getting another one. He did only have one plan). However, now he was a little amused. If life's a bitch, he would go through what he went through all those years ago. He actually got a girlfriend back then. Some pretty girl, Kiba couldn't remember her name. Well, he couldn't remember her real name. For some strange reason, this girl let Sasuke just play doll with her life: after a week he had everyone calling her Hinata; she had short hair in the beginning, but eventually got extensions and added bangs with that purplish dye the real Hinata had; she had to buy contacts to get her model's eye color. This freakish relationship lasted quite a bit (maybe about two months), but then it happened.

She. Went. Tanning!

After that, he never had a serious relationship ever again — and Kiba was pretty sure that whoever he slept with he called them by a name that wasn't theirs.

"Heeeey," Kiba called. Yeah, he was way beyond buzzed. "Where are you going?"

Sasuke stopped, and stumbled slightly. "Home."

He needed to get there before his evil wife did!

"Oh… Okay. Um, bye."

Sasuke left. By the way, he lied! He was going to the liquor store to get all the lovely ingredients to a red apple martini — the EXACT drink Hinata drank back when things were still great! Back when he believed Naruto was dead in a ditch somewhere! What a backstabber! They used to be friends, best buds — PALS! Then he went on and betrayed him by making Hinata like him — all when he went to go talk to her in high school. Yeah, right! Naruto knew that she would end up liking him. Why wouldn't she — she had no friends! And here they were, seven years later, and he was still making moves on her. Seriously? Yes, Sasuke partly blamed himself for what happened today, but he didn't have a choice. Naruto was the only guy he had to compete with to gain that inconsiderate girl's attention!

And he lost. And he was alone.

Opening the door to an empty house was never what he thought he was going to do today. Or ever again. Damn it! He thought she loved him like he did her! They had a dog and gym membership, damn it! Sasuke frowned over at Chidori sleeping in his little doggy bed. She was probably going to take him too, that heartless wench.

He didn't know how to make a damn martini, okay! So he just poured everything into a big cup: ninety percent was vodka, ten percent was whatever he picked up on the self next to the vodka. Just a fact: the two liquids he did have didn't make an apple martini. He took a huge swill of that concoction, which made his heart burn and it felt relieving! Too bad Hinata couldn't drink this right now because she wouldn't feel a thing, with her not having a heart and all. He drank the rest of the cup at that last thought. She was a vixen!

He stumbled to HIS bedroom. Okay, he realized he had to face the shitty music tomorrow and actually get divorced, so he had a plan for tonight. He was thinking about this all the way to that stupid club that Kiba dragged him to. First, he was going to strip down to his boxers. Second, he was going to get another cup of whatever he made. Third, he was going to find a picture of her and either draw on her face or masturbate to the photo, he didn't know which one yet (most likely the latter). And fourth! He was going to cry himself to sleep.

That last idea just came to him. Clever, right?

Step one of the plan: complete! All of his clothes were right in the middle of the living room — he had no one to impress, so why not? He was drowning in the red cup when he swayed to his bedroom (screw step two; step three was more important) — right into the dark room, and plopping right onto the bed.

Well, he tried.

"OW!"

Sasuke nervously backed up and dropped the cup. Shit, man! He was too wasted to be getting robbed.

And low and behold, when he flipped that switch, there was the witch herself.

In a slutty bunny outfit. With bunny ears.

If this was an imagination, masturbating was going to be easier than he thought.

Praise alcohol!

Hinata saw him looking at her bare feet. "I…" She winced at her throbbing headache. "The shoes were uncomfortable…"

Sasuke just stared at her holding her head. "I didn't see you," he explained.

She glanced at him for lack of interest. Man, sometimes she just thought he was dumber than he presented himself.

"It's…it's okay."

He blinked a few times. His vision was messed up. "What are you wearing?"

"Oh! Um, well, I…I—"

"Never mind. I don't care," he said after shaking his head.

She was so confused. "O-okay—"

"Get out."

"What!"

"Get out of my house," he said.

She was astonished! He was kicking her out and calling it his house! The nerve of him!

Okay. It was obvious that he hated her now. So, she got up and headed for the exit. And he moved to the side to watch her walk away with her tail between her legs — though he was looking at the bunny tail placed on her ass. He wanted to die! His damn pride stopped him from sleeping with that? Humph. Now that he thought about it, she probably just came there to show him something he could and would never have! Fuck — it was working.

Hinata grabbed the doorway and glanced over her shoulder to see Sasuke gazing below eyelevel.

And yes, she knew he was looking at her butt, but thought of it as him saying, "Don't go!"

"No," she said. She turned back toward him.

Sasuke slowly looked back up to her and tried his hardest to glare. Wow, she smelled amazing! "What did—"

"This is my house too!" she exlaimed. Sasuke widened his eyes when she grabbed his hand with both of hers. She blushed and he just stared at her eyes that were looking downwards. He gulped as she squeezed his hand and stared up at his flushed face.

He was going to get laid — he was SO going to get laid!

Then, she said it.

"We don't…have to be friends. I-if you don't want to."

JACKPOT!

Hinata jumped and her eyes nearly popped out of her head. Sasuke had grabbed both of her arms and kissed her. She tried to wiggle out of his grip for air but he was crazily forceful — and drunk! He was so trashed! He reeked of alcohol, inside and out. Her eyebrows hopped up to her scalp when he yanked at the top of her costume — which was a corset top!

In blatant terms, he tried to flash her while copping a feel.

He pulled away and yanked harder with an angry face. "Take this off…!"

"WAIT!" she yelled when he tugged another time.

Sasuke backed off when she pulled his hands away. Man! He thought he felt a nipple.

Hinata took a breath, but jumped when she glanced down.

"Sasuke!" she squeaked and covered her mouth.

He rolled his eyes and wanted to turn and hide. Was she serious? What did she expect!

"You're teasing me," he grumbled.

She shook her head and went to go sit on the bed. Sasuke followed but lied down. Screw this. He was going to TRY to go to sleep, though that was going to be hard with being sexually frustrated and all! Great, now he was going to be without happiness and a wife tonight. Why was she putting him through this turmoil? WHAT. A. WHORE.

She frowned at him, trying to cover herself up as much as possible. "I'm…" She sighed. "I…I look ridiculous, don't I?"

He glanced up at her and shrugged indirectly: too wasted to care.

"No," he replied.

She smiled at him and shook her head to herself. "I really wanted to make it up to you…so, I spoke to Kiba…"

So, Kiba put her up to this? Explained how he knew that they broke up — and the outfit.

"I was supposed to surprise you, but…" She felt like an idiot. "This isn't how I pictured my…first time."

She gulped with puffed cheeks. Slowly she felt weight lift off the bed. Sasuke was coming up like a vampire out of their coffin. She looked at him and jerked back a little at his dead face. Now he looked stoned. What did he do when he thought they had broken up?

"What did you say?" he asked.

Her eyes got big. "Oh…that I was sorry—"

"You're still a virgin?"

She nodded at his pensive face slowly. And eventually, he smirked.

He did everything right in high school, then.

Hinata thought that wasn't fair! "Have…have you ever—"

Sasuke patiently took off her bunny ears. "That doesn't matter," he said.

He smiled at her and couldn't help it. Man, he loved her to death.

She blushed ferociously when he embraced her and they both fell on the floor.

"Sasuke!"

THANK. YOU. LIFE!

Life was way too good! Three individuals knew that, and as Naruto pranced down the hallways of the courthouse he could see that today was going to be a great day. He had some files about divorce in this manila folder. He was so going to take Hinata out to dinner tonight! Perfect. Perfect. Perfect!

"Hey, idiot."

Naruto frowned. If that was Madara, he was going to sue him with harassment. He's been busting his balls since yesterday!

He turned around and it wasn't Madara, but of course an Uchiha — damn vultures.

It was Sasuke, of course, and he was standing next to Hinata. He started to approach him and Naruto wrinkled his brow.

"What do you—"

Bam! Right in the cheek!

Hinata gasped when Naruto fell to the ground from the sucker punch.

"Sasuke!" she whined, but he ignored her. He smirked at the imbecile on the floor rubbing his cheek.

Hinata frowned. "Naruto," she called. "Are you okay?"

Sasuke folded his arms and scoffed. "He deserved it."

Naruto gave the ass an evil look. "HEY! What was that—"

Wait a second — Hinata was awfully close to someone she was going to be divorced to soon.

Her hands were clamped onto his arm.

She was still getting divorced…right?

And there was a second Naruto saw her become mesmerized with him.

His eyes widened. They were still getting divorced, right!

"How much are you going to charge her?" Sasuke asked.

"Wha…what?" Naruto was in shock.

"For your time." He sighed. This was annoying. "Whatever it is, I'll pay for it."

"It's free… But why would you—"

"Fine," he said and shrugged. He looked at Hinata. "Let's go—"

"WAIT!"

Naruto hoped off of the ground and basically pulled his hair out!

"Hinata!" he yelled. "Why aren't you—"

Sasuke heckled with a devious smirk. This bastard was about to be one-upped!

"We had s—"

"Sasuke!"

He grumbled and glared at her. Okay, maybe he should learn how to control that.

"Fine, we're leaving," he said.

She smiled and nodded at Naruto. "Thank you."

His big blue eyes didn't say, "Your welcome."

"Hey," Sasuke called. "Naruto."

The blonde frowned with half-lidded eyes. "What?" he asked with exasperation.

Sasuke smirked. "I'll talk to you later."

Naruto gaped.

And in two weeks, he would have two of his closest friends back.

In three weeks, Kiba would still be single and still be in his abusive friendship with Sasuke.

In four weeks, Hinata would receive a brand new car as a present from her fabulous husband!

In five weeks, Sasuke couldn't be happier and his life may have reached perfection.

Except for those back pains he was getting. He could really do without those.

And the nausea.

And everyone annoying the hell out of him.

At least he could have sex with his wife!

Well, most of the time.

"Are you okay?" Hinata asked. She frowned when Sasuke rolled on his side.

"Yeah." That was forced and a complete lie. He felt terrible!

Hinata flinched when he dashed to the bathroom and slammed the door.

Gross. He was throwing up — and a lot recently. She bit her bottom lip.

Maybe she should tell him she's pregnant.


D O N E!

(YESSS!)

I find it strangely interesting. The Couvade syndrome, or whatever.

Okay! Time for a few facts:

~I hope you get the title for this story. Clue: title of this chapter.

~This story could have simply been rated T, but I rated it M so I could curse and be perverted. You know, the usual!

~This was originally for Sasuke. Then I changed it to Itachi, then back to Sasuke.

~I don't like you all for voting for a Sasuke comedy on poll (no one ever wants what I want!), but I'll face the music — unless it's really stupid then I'm going to have to go with Itachi on this one, guys. Sorry.

I have five in mind, but only three are writable (no bodies for the others). Two are Itachi, one is Sasuke. One Itachi a marriage fic (what I would call this one) and it's a little crazy. The other is a "deal" fic (and has a funny Itachi/Hiashi). The Sasuke is a matchmaking-esque...thing (and is just crazy. Like "WTF! Hahahaah-O M G" crazy). So, feedback on these topics is appreciated! (Well, and… I also have dramas, but no one really wanted those -_-)

Thanks for reading, and hope to see you soon! :]