A/N Hello, all, and I'm Cam- oh waiiiiiiit. Sorry, just got out of a meeting. Out of instinct, I wrote the first lines from every speech of mine. XD Let's try this again.
Hello, everybody, SlimKirby he-
...great. Lemme just shut YouTube.
Okay, okay. I'm MoD. And I'm trying humor. In an entry to Soundwave0107's Humor something or other contest, I'm going to strike a Jimbo-esque type of humor in a farce of the odder sides of Fanfiction. Just wanna state that even though I don't really go by canon, I totally support whatever the hell y'all do so long as it's good. Canon, yaoi, Taylor Swift songfics- for the most part, if I'm mocking it here, I don't hate it or nothing. I just don't do it. If there's something I abhor, you'll know it. :P
This story is all gonna be narrative-dialogue. Me talking with another narrator.
My text will be like this.
The arse who's gonna be my conversant will be like this.
This is rated T for language, just to go on record. I hope y'all will laugh, and look at the things that are funny in retrospect but still make a community go round!
I don't own or share Canon's opinions, I regret ever sharing a conversation with him, and... I have a feeling no one will ever forget it, no matter how hard they try.
Nor do I own Smash Bros.
Well, apparently there's a new contest out from Shockwave, you know, that one guy with the one story series that has so many reviews they ran out of numbers and had to put in a letter. And me being the contest whore that I am, I just have to enter it.
There's just problem.
I don't know what I want to do.
Yeah, pretty much, I'm clueless. I want to make a story that everyone will like. One that'll get a lot of reviews and favorites and will make me world-famous. But I don't know what I'm doing that isn't getting me that! Oh, what on earth can I do? What, what, what?
Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm not that worked up, but st-
What was that?
It was me!
...you just said "Poof."
Ah, yes... er, pardon me. My sound effect system's in the shop.
...who are you?
I am Canon, the man who's gonna make your story world famous!
...you look like Bob Barker made a deal with the devil to become young again and get Russell Brand's voicebox in the process.
...but Bob Barker's awesome!
Yeah, he is, isn't he?
Yeah! You know, "Have your pets-"
"Spayed and neutered!" Yeah, he was! Ah, but Drew Carey's boss too.
Yeaaaah... anyway, I'm going to make your story world-famous by teaching you- bumbadadaboombumbadadaboom-
bumbadada- How To Be Sucksessful in Smashing Fanfiction! BADAA!
You spelled that wrong.
What do you mean?
There's no "K", okay? How am I supposed to learn how to write successful fanfiction when you can't freaking spell?
Uh... it's a branding! I'm branding it with a K!
It looks cool!
...it says "Suck" sessful. Like "Hey, dude, your story sucks!"
No, it's like "You'd be a "SUCK"er not to listen to what I have to say to you!"
...yuh-huh. Can we just get started?
Uh huh! Now, to get started, I need you to say something with me.
...are you gonna witchcraft me or something?
...just say this with me, okay?
Alright. "I have no talent."
…kindly kiss my ass.
No, just come on! "I have no talent!"
You're proving that, Mr. Tentacles. Now skip the intro and just start telling me the rules.
Alright, alright! Ahem. Let's start with the title.
I usually do one word titles; Colors, Sparks, Strings, Paradigms, stuff like that.
If you want people to read your work, you gotta do something after they already like! Like... a Taylor Swift song.
They don't call you Canon for nothing.
Trust me! Fanfictioners love Taylor Swift!
...there are over 3,000 stories with the words "The Story of Us" in the title.
That's because it's popular! We wanna be popular!
Also, I just got into a hassle with a group of people over songs in fics and stuff like that. I don't wanna risk my head.
But what if you did it anyways, just to spite them?
Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to "The Story of Us!"
Hahaha! I knew you'd come around! Okay, the first rule to writing Smash Bros Fanfiction is that it has to have Marth in it!
Marth? Any reason in particular?
Of course! The reason is that Fanfiction's full of girls, and they all love Marth!
A bit stereotypical, right? Last I checked, I possessed a pair.
Then you're the only dude on the site. Just trust me! Babes love Marth! And all these babes will loooooove you for having Marth in your story.
There's Foxpilot... and Jimbo... and Soundwave- you know, the guy running the damn contest to begin with?
Bah! They don't believe in premarital sex. You're not religious! You can-
The fact that most of the girls I know are a ways under my age would really put a stop to that, you putz. And the fact that your over-generalization of Christians is echoing your lack of couth. And the fact that I don't even know if Soundwave mentioned his religion. And the fact that I'm not a slut. And the fact that you made me name drop three of my best site friends- really, there's a lot of wrong with this.
C'mon! For the fame! For the glory! For the p-
Fine! Fine! I guess I can do that. One Marth, coming up.
"The Story of Us
A lonely cove with waves periodically lapping up the shores is where the graceful warrior stood, looking at his reflection in the ripples the rain cast over-"
...the hell are you doing?
Y'see, I wanna try combining what seems like overdramatic statements and writing with pure humor. No one else is ever doing that which I've seen.
...are you a fucking idiot?
...what am I doing that's so wrong?
EVERYTHING, Dumbass! You see, if you want to make a famous story, you have to do what has been done a million times!
...but do it better, right?
No, do it with Marth!
"The Story of Us
Marth stood on a beach, dressed in casual clothes. Samus stood on a beach, dressed in casual clothes. The only thing separating them was a volleyball net.
Samus yelled as she served the ball over the net with expert precision-"
...so much wrong with this!
I know, right? This is so mundane. Not what I like at all.
No! You wanna know what's wrong with this?
I could use a laugh.
One- All popular Smash Fics take place in the Smash Mansion!
...is that a real place in the game?
I thought not. Why does it have to take place there? I mean, there are good mansion fics but... it's not real even to them.
Yeah. Y'know, made up. Doesn't exist. Easter Bunny-
SHUT THE FUCK UP!
and Rihanna's talent.
YOU TAKE THAT BACK, YOU... YOU... MEANIE!
And your balls.
You wanna hear what else is wrong or what?
Okay, Two- Marth is clothed.
Okay, you, go to hell.
Listen! Girls love Marth without clothes! It's hot! And that makes them read it.
Do you get your statistics mixed up with the CW?
You didn't answer my question.
NUMBER THREE- Samus is a girl. You don't put girls in romances, especially sexy ones like Samus! It makes them self conscious...
You're a real dick, you know that? I... dedicate my work to abolishing those feelings, not proving them right. And it's not like they're even real in the first place!
Listen, Dr. Phil, this isn't a Chicken Soup for the Soul Fanfic, this is a Smash Bros Fanfic!
...if you want to make a generic Smash Bros story, why don't you, I dunno, have some Smashing?
Oh, there'll be some smashing, all right.
...that's a horrible innuendo.
So you know what I mean! If you want to be sucKsessful-
You reeeeeally are desperate for that to be a brand, aren't you?
IF YOU WANT TO BE SUCkSESSFUL, you have make Marth in love with a boy!
He has to love a boy!
...he has a wife.
Has a what?
He has a wife. If he was actually gay, and I was his wife, I'd have about a million questions on my mind.
Rule number one for writing sucKsessfully- you blatantly ignore what's already there!
Rule number one was to have Marth in the fic, wasn't it?
Well... erm... that's the other rule one!
That excuse is pitiful, but not worth my time.
So make Marth in love with Ike!
Okay... erm... listen, uhm...
I've... never actually written yaoi before. And considering this is a contest entry that's the last place I wanna fuck my first try up at.
Oh. I see. That's how it is.
Oh don't tell me you're gonna take this road.
I most certainly am fucking not.
Yes you are! Gay hater!
Are you kidding me?
I swear to god, I was just at a gay rights rally last weekend.
We held hands and sang some Beatles in retaliation to violence.
I have several gay friends!
Oh, everyone says that you GAY HATER! You're part of the Ku Klux Klan!
...wait, I thought they hated people of color.
WHAT? You're a racist, too?
Okay, you know what? Shut the fuck up.
RACIST! My text is black, you racist!
Alright! Fine! I'll write the yaoi!
That's what I thought. Make it extra steamy!
This is a humor contest.
I hate you.
You're a chauvinistic, stereotyping bastard.
I hope a group of feminists come to your door and demand your nuts.
I can do that. I've already served them to so many.
For a sexist pig, your innuendos suck.
Are you done?
With the first agonizing paragraph.
Let's see it!
Oh god... my career is going to hell.
"The... Story of Us...
Marth passionately locked lips with Ike as they stumbled across the Smash Mansion Bedroom. Ike let him down as he removed his clothes, and Marth removed his. "Let's make this last all night," he slinkily murmured as he leaned into his lover."
I fucking hate you so damn bad. You... my mom's already wondering if I'm gay- not that she'd have a problem, and this is pretty much the equivalent of me wearing a rainbow flag over my chest.
Haha! I knew you were a faggot!
...are you shitting me?
You're a faggot!
You are a hypocritical, sexist asshole. I... can't believe you.
Pipe down and lemme do an edit to make your story perfect!
It's alllll yours. I don't even care anymore.
Alrighty. Just a bit here, and a little bit there, and- done!
Alrighty, what did you do?
Added one last line!
One last line? Oh my fucking...
"and they had sex all night THE END"
Ahaha! Oh my... oh my god. You're shitting me! This.. this is not happening!
I cannot believe, no, cannot fathom, no, cannot comprehend how... amazingly shitty you are! Did you, like, take lessons from Doger?
No, if I did, there'd be references to buttfucking.
Pardon if I sound offensive, but in all technicalities...
Trust me, kid! You're going to be famous!
No! My career is going to hell! You've taken Fanfictions and... completely turned them on its head, and it's horrible! You have no skill, no life and I've probably had more sex than you. And I'm a virgin!
Now, just calm down, alright?
No! I do not wanna hear about this anymore! Next thing you know, you'll be making me write stories where Snake's a dumbass chauvinistic pig!
Uhm... it's a funny story, actually...
… GET! OUT!
Ah! I'm going, I'm going! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof!
Ugh... I'm going to be wondering if that actually happened. Anyway, story deleted. Sorry about that folks, let's start this over.
I own nothing, regret nothing, and I let them forget nothing! I do things my way, not anyone else's way, especially not Canon's! I am MoD, and I am Legend!
Let's get starte-
A/N This... could be the worst piece I've ever written in my life. Or one of the best. I have no clue how I did. I laughed some, but I wrote this. This could be massively un-funny and completely offensive. Just to make it clear- I love gay people, am going to try male pairings (not smut yaoi mind you) and don't have a problem with any of these problems except for Snake bashing, but I'll get on that later.
So yeah, this was How To Be SucKsessful in Smashing Fanfiction! This could be a total mistake, but, hell, last month I created and performed a rap all in one week for the first and only time in my life. I'm feeling adventurous.
So yeah. Hopefully you laughed and didn't take offense. And I get a place in Soundwave's fanfic.
P.S. Look for the contest from me and the girls next Friday!