Author's Note: Yeah, yeah, I know… another story? But this one suddenly occurred to me in the middle of dinner and it was all I could do to finish the meal before racing to type it. Legal stuff at the bottom!
A DIRTY, DIRTY KIM POSSIBLE STORY
By SHADO Commander
The tall man in the rumpled 'gimme' cap sighed as he waited for the set up to be complete. Some weeks were rougher than others, and there were some where he wasn't really sure what the story would be, where things would go or what horrible new indignities would be thrust upon him. This particular gig was leaning towards the latter. It was actually an idea that had been in the hopper for quite a while, but the network had kept vetoing it for insurance reasons. Now that his contract was up for renewal, however, he'd suddenly found himself and his crew being packed off for what would be the last job of the season… and, if the new salaries he'd put in for his long suffering crew couldn't be met, the last show ever. The fact that there were now enough episodes to run in syndication forever was especially troubling. But what could he do? This was his job and until this episode was finished, he was contractually obligated to finish it. One way or another…
"Lighting's good," the director of photography announced.
"Sound checks," came confirmation from the audio guy.
"Let's do it," the director chimed in. "Annnnd Action!"
"Hi folks," The tall man announced gamely as he looked directly into the camera, "This week we're here in Middleton and we're with…"
"Kim Possible," the attractive young redhead in cargo pants and crop-topped black t-shirt smiled.
"And Ron Stoppable and Rufus," The less attractive blonde teen in roughly the same outfit but with larger ears added, holding up a small pink naked creature and fighting to make sure that he wasn't cut completely out of the picture.
"And what is it you do, again?" The lanky host asked the girl.
"Well Mike," Kim smiled prettily, "We can do anything, like it says on the website, but mostly what we do is save the world."
"And that's dirty work, is it?" Mike asked, a somewhat skeptical expression causing his furled forehead to form fine rows of frown lines.
"Oh, you have no idea," Kim grimaced. "But I guess you're going to find out today, right?"
"I guess we are," the host agreed, turning back to the camera. "As this week, we tag along with Kim Possible…"
"And Ron Stoppable!"
"…yeah, him too," Mike continued as if there'd been no interruption. "As we save the world from supervillains on DIRTY WORK."
"It's SMARTY MART Savings time!" The deliriously deluded young woman grinned as she danced around the aisles of the super-megamart with a giant pair of scissor, much to the delight of the shoppers who had nearly been beheaded. "What could you be saving on TODAY?"
"This week's specials," a deeply masculine announcer's voice picked up. " Save Smart at Smarty Mart with slight factory irregulars! Our entire assortment of Men's sleeveless suits, now just $12.99! Girl's three legged pants, only $5.99! And in our super landfill discovery discount section – O-Boys albums! Are they classic music from your teen years… or convenient coasters for your drinks? Why not both? Originally $17.99, now only Forty-nine cents each or 3 for a dollar! And enjoy the unique taste of Dribblet's Buffalo Chips, the snack sensation that stunned the nation! Now just $1.99 for a 64 ounce bag! Mmm Mmmm! Please pass the chips at SMARTY MART!"
"Dr. Drakken's Brainwashing Shampoooooo… And Crainum Riiiiinnnnnssee!"
Did you purchase this product and find yourself gullible and easily cheated as a result? Have people taken advantage of your subsequent willingness to do anything? The Can-Do lawyers at Owe, Uwe and Sucker are here for you! Just e-mail us your social security, driver's license and banking account numbers and we'll make sure you get what's coming to you! That's … O U Sucker dot glom!
Coming up next on the Uncovery Channel! Get ready for unethical weight loss and deadly arctic adventure combined as five overweight truckers compete to lose pounds AND haul their own liposuctioned lard across the permafrost to starving polar bears on ASS TRUCKERS! Then we recycle yet more stock footage of World War 2 in STALINGRAD – THE MUSICAL, featuring the music of M C Honey! Finally, PFFFT – The History of Natural Gas, Sponsored by Bueno Nacho! And now back to DIRTY WORK!
"And we're back with Kim Possible," Mike announced as the camera's rolled.
"And Ron Stoppable!"
"Of Team Possible," Mike continued affably. "And we're currently at the base of a mountain in the… am I allowed to actually say where this is?"
"Middle America," the director supplied.
"Right, and we're getting ready to infiltrate the base of one of America's most notorious supervillains, Dr. Drakken. As you may be aware from recent news stories, supervillainy has been on the upswing in recent years, and while the world's governments have several shadowy organizations that try to stem the tide of evil, much of the actual fighting is handled by independent superheroes." Mike paused knowing what was coming next:
"And their sidekicks. So…" Mike asked the perky young woman who was digging around in the bushes on her hands and knees while her 'sidekick' and the entire camera crew just watched. "Exactly how does one get to be a superhero?
"Oh, I'm not a superhero," Kim argued, pulling a snake out of the grass. "Watch out, this one's poisonous. I just fight supervillains."
"Uh huh…" Mike blinked, watching the girl in moderate disbelief as she wrapped the six foot rattler neatly around her arm, dropped it into her canvas school bag, then continued with her search. "Well, how did you get into doing that?"
"Babysitting," All that was visible of Kim at the moment was her well formed posterior. "I put up a website looking for more business and a guy mistyped my address when he needed some help, and I've been doing the rescue thing ever since."
"And you do enough rescues, eventually you run into supervillains," Ron supplied. "You doing okay there, KP?"
"Just fine Ron… AH HA!" Kim stood up in triumph. "Found it!"
Mike motioned his crew forward to see what 'it' was… which was a small 3' X 3' metal grating set into the ground.
"And that's a ventilation shaft?" Mike queried, looking at what appeared to be a hole in the side of a cliff.
"Yep," Kim smiled as she removed the metallic grill that had been covering the hole, then eyed the host's broad shoulders. "And fortunately, this one's just big enough for you to fit."
"Are you sure?" Mike protested warily. "That looks pretty small."
"Trust me," Kim promised. "I spend half my time on my hands and knees doing shafts, and I can guarantee you'll fit, no problem."
Mike snuck a side look at the camera, raising an eyebrow at the unintentional double entendre. This Possible girl was so earnest and likeable that it would be almost criminal to take advantage of that… and yet…
"Does this involve greasing anything up?" The host surrendered to his weakness for a cheap laugh.
To his surprise, the girl didn't even blink. "You're a big guy, Mike, but not that big. In fact, sometime I'll have to introduce you to a guy who's actually named Big Mike."
"But anyway, that's where the clothes come in," Kim continued, motioning to the much larger and less midriff baring but otherwise carbon-copy of her outfit that Mike was wearing. "The heavy gloves, cargo pants and boots protect your hands, knees and feet, but it's all so loose that if anything does get stuck, you can slide out of them. It's happened to me a few times. No big."
"And, just to make sure our viewers know, there's really a supervillain's house at the other end?"
"Technically, it's called a lair," Ron inserted.
"But yeah," Kim nodded. "It'll probably be about 300 feet down, past four traps, a few dozen coils of razor wire, some poison spiders and a laser grid or two."
"That's pretty specific," Mike commented, impressed by the exactitude of the prediction. "You can tell all that just by looking at a hole?"
"Well, that and the fact that we know that this lair belongs to Doctor Drakken." Kim allowed. "He comes up with the craziest ideas for taking over the world, but he's never been very imaginative when it comes to shaft counter-measures. Now, if this was Professor Dementor, we could expect a little more variety… I've had to wiggle my way through acid drips, wrestle with pythons and once had to fight four rabid clones of David Hasselhoff before we ever got into one of his lairs. Drakken, though, tends to put his money into whatever his latest world conquering scheme happens to be and relies on Shego for his main line of defense."
"Shego…?" Mike remembered that name from somewhere and wasn't sure that he liked it.
'Green babe, throws fire," Ron supplied, making the universal sign of 'big gazongas, shapely hips' with his hands. "And trust me, once your cameramen get inside, just focus on the action when she and Kim go at it. Your ratings will go way up, guaranteed."
"Ron.." Kim flushed.
"Hey, what's true is true Kim. Why do you think Drakken never gets around to doing anything while you're fighting? He likes to watch, just like any other blue-blooded male."
"Blue blooded?" Mike interjected. "Oh yes, isn't he some kind of royalty?"
"No, that's Doctor Doom. Drakken's just blue." Kim was starting to look a little antsy. "So, how do you want to do this Mike?
"Well, Ron has suggested that I follow you, then our cameraman follows him."
"And Rufus can carry one of those little cameras to take pictures from the front," Ron agreed, producing the rodent from his pocket."
"I've been meaning to ask about him," Mike admitted as the small varmint was fitted with a leather harness to hold one of the production unit's small HD 'lipstick' cameras. "Exactly what is he?"
"A Naked Mole Rat," Ron explained as though it was obvious.
"Although we're pretty sure he's a mutant of some kind," Kim supplied. "Given that he can speak a little English."
"And a LOT of Mandarin Chinese as well," Ron noted, "Though we only discovered that recently when we…"
"Ron…" The young heroine hissed in a warning tone. "Classified! That means Top Secret, remember?
"Oops." The sidekick blushed. "Forget I said anything."
"I never heard a word," Mike lied, making a mental note to go back and look at that suggestion to shoot a show at an uber hush-hush underground Chinese gene splicing firm he'd been tipped off to.
"Um…" Mike whispered back in extreme embarrassment as they made their way down the incredibly claustrophobic… and filthy… metal tunnel. They'd already passed exactly four traps, Kim had snipped each of the rolls of razor wire and rolled the remaining lengths into small balls for recycling, and the poison spiders had been dealt with through the simple expedient of Kim's left boot, which she was currently wearing on her right hand.
"Have you… um… ever considered telling her that you can see all the way up her shirt from back here?" He asked Ron, his face redder than a fresh boiled lobster.
"Nope," Ron chortled softly. "Though she'll probably start wearing a bra, once she sees this video. Hee hee! Didn't I tell you this would be the prime viewing spot?"
Mike felt himself go even redder. On the one hand, he had to admit that Kim Possible had a spectacularly perky pair of tits, especially when they dangled down like upside-down parfaits as their owner crawled doggy-style through the air shaft. On the other, he knew the network was going to have to pixelate them out from every shot taken from this angle. That was extra time and money he'd rather have go directly to his crew.
"I don't know what you two are whispering about back there!" Kim hissed in a hushing tone. "But we're almost there, so try to be quiet, okay?"
Mike had already shut up, but now that he listened, he could hear someone talking in the distance, the voice muffled and distorted by the length of the ventilation shaft.
"Drakken," Ron whispered in confirmation. "Kim's going to kick out the metal grate on this side and then things are going to happen fast, so you and your camera guy are going to need to be ready to move."
Indeed, even as Stoppable was speaking, Possible had flipped herself around in the shaft so that her feet were against the grid, put her shoe back on and began a countdown with her fingers, folding them down at one second intervals…
Five… four… three… two… one….
And on what would have been 'zero,' Kim's heavy boots knocked the grill out with surgical precision, and suddenly the girl was out and through.
"Move Mike!" Ron urged from behind! "Move! We've got to run distraction for Kim!"
"Distraction?" Mike asked as he reversed his position and found himself being forced the rest of the way through the opening like the contents of a toothpaste tube… "Distract what?"
Then his feet were hitting the ground, hard, and he found himself looking up into the faces of two dozen very angry looking men dressed in red jumpsuits
"THEM!" Ron screamed as he flipped out of the vent behind Mike. "And as to how… RUN!"
Not knowing what else to do, Mike imitated the actions of the blonde teen, throwing his hands up in the air like a flapping chicken while running around like a lunatic. He hoped his cameraman was getting this. He hoped every one of the guys in red was going to be willing to sign a waiver so that their likenesses could be shown on TV… otherwise that was even more money that would have to go to the pixilation/mosaic company.
Oh yes, and he also hoped that he, himself, lived through this. He probably wouldn't though, a thought that curiously also seemed to be on the mind of the blue fellow who was running next to him.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Kim Possible!" The blue man screamed!
"Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Yelled the pursuing henchmen!
"Aasaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" Yelled Ron Stoppable!.
"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!" Yelled Mike, thinking that this might be a really good time for a commercial interruption!
"Hey!" Kim suddenly interrupted. "Where in the hell is Shego?"
"WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON?" a loud female voice interrupted yet again and EVERYTHING came to a halt as all eyes swung to a huge door at the back of the lair, where a green-skinned woman wrapped only in a towel stood, dripping water all over the floor.
That in itself was unusual enough, but what was REALLY odd was that there was ANOTHER camera crew behind her, also shooting video, and at precisely that second, Shego saw the DIRTY WORK camera crew, and blew her top.
"POSSIBLE! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"
"Uh… stopping your latest evil plan," Kim ventured. "Y'know?"
"WHAT evil plan? That's NEXT WEEK! Didn't you get the message?" The glowing woman's angry gaze turned to the blue man. "Okay, what the fuck Doc? Have you been going all Diablo on me again?"
"No!" The blue man yipped in fear. "Not I! The postcards were sent!"
"Postcards?" Kim puzzled, did people still use those?
"er…" Ron mumbled under his breath. "oops."
Digging in his pockets, the flustered sidekick quickly produced… one naked mole rat, one pack of Bueno Nacho hot sauce, one tiny magazine labeled "Molerat Quarterly," thirty seven cents in U.S. change, three 10 yen pieces and a single centavo. Finally, on pocket number three, he finally found a rather rumpled postcard that he offered to Kim.
"Your Dad kinda asked me to give this to you, um… last week," the beet-faced boy blushed.
"To all concerned," Kim read aloud, "This is to serve as notice that we will not be committing any evil next week while Shego films the "chillin' at home" segment for her new reality show "STYLIN' WITH SHEGO," coming this fall on The Paparazzi Channel."
"Heh heh. Sorry KP."
"This isn't a 'sorry' kind of thing Ron," Kim scolded. "There could be other villains out there that we could be stopping right now. Not to mention wasting all these people's time!"
"Oh, I'm afraid it's worse than that," Mike interjected, turning his hat backwards and unsnapping a hidden swivel on his hand-held mike that extended it in length to become a serviceable mace. All around him, the DIRTY WORK crew were producing various forms of close range weapons… mostly brass knuckles, truncheons and baseball bats, but a few edged nasties… like the switchblade being wielded by the continuity girl… as well.
At the same time, Kim became aware that Shego's camera crew was doing much the same thing. Brickbats, billy clubs, even one honest to gosh quarterstaff.
"KP, what's going on?" Ron stammered nervously.
"The Paparazzi Channel's part of the Faux family of channels," Kim explained. "Whereas the Uncovery Channel is part of the Chronology Von Braun Syndicate, CVBS."
"We're mortal enemies," Mike confirmed, "And I'm afraid our contracts say that if we encounter each other in the field, we have to attempt to vanquish them. You might want to take cover now."
Raising his mike over his head, Mike called to his assembled crew:
"Fellow members of the stagehands, actors and directors guilds! We stand now in the face of tyranny! Tyranny in the form of a channel that provides only cheap entertainment and no redeeming social value! A channel that would have your children grow up in a land where what matters is not the content of the human mind and soul, but how many beers you can bogart and how many hot tubs you can throw up in! Save for the ridiculous restrictions placed upon us by our unions, we have come here as free men. Or men under contracts. Or women... well, you get the idea! The question is, what will you do with that freedom you may or may not have? Will you fight?
"WE WILL FIGHT!" Chanted the DIRTY WORK crew, waving their cudgels and waggling their other blunt instruments!
"We need to get under that big heavy table," Kim warned Ron and the others. "Now!"
"DEATH TO EDUCATIONAL TELEVISION!" Screamed the forces of Faux as, as one, they raised their battering devices high and charged! "AIIEEEEEEEE!"
"KREEEGAH! BUNDOLO! YOU DIE" Fired back the CVBSers as they came roaring to meet their ancient foes with the sickening splats of large heavy objects hitting equally large but much more soft, yielding and usually squishy targets.
Kim, Ron and Drakken barely made it under the table in time. Shego made the foolish decision to attempt to defend herself and quickly regretted it. By the time she made it to the relative safety of the heavy oaken structure, she'd lost both her towel and her dignity. Such was the level of violence occurring, however, that no one thought to ask about the KP tattoo on her left buttock cheek. Or the fact that it was Kim she nestled up against.
"God, I hate ratings wars," Drakken muttered as the four of them watched bloodshed unheard of outside the screens of HBO and Showtime.
"Yeah," Shego agreed, "But at least there was no one here from Disney… those guys are fucking merciless."
To be continued? Maybe... but this seems as good a place as any to end this for now.
LEGAL SCHTUFF:Kim Possible, Ron Stoppable, Rufus, Doctor Drakken, Shego, Professor Dementor and all other characters borrowed from Kim Possible are the creations of Mark McCorkle and Bob Schooley, and those names are all trademarks of the Disney media organizations. Any similarity of DIRTY WORK and 'Mike' to any certain DISCOVERY TV Show is PURELY coincidental. Okay, no, but I changed the names because it really isn't quite the same show. Material similar to other copyrighted material and TV shows is for parody purposes only, and although use in this context is probably considered fair under parody law, just in case: this work was not created for profit, no money changed hands etc. Also, this story takes place at a time at which all characters shown should be considered to be over the legal age of 18.