Penny for Your Thoughts?
I have a notebook that I keep with me at all times. I make sure that no one knows I have it. I make sure that it stays hidden at the bottom of my bag or tucked under my pillow beside the picture of my mom.
No one's ever seen what's inside but me.
If you open the first page you'll see big red letters with a heart around it that says "Kurt + Blaine." There's a lot behind that first page…
"I'm so stupid. Why the hell would someone like that, someone so incredibly talented and beautiful want a homely little thing like me? Dad had it wrong. I don't matter, at least not to him…not in the way I want to. I thought that maybe there was something there. Something wonderful. I thought maybe I finally had a shot at a relationship with someone so perfect.
"No, moron. Why the hell would Blaine Anderson want pasty, squeaky, awkward, baby-faced you? He's probably older, and cuter…and dresses better. Wait, no, he can't dress better. Why the hell am I writing this down? God, I don't know.
"I wish he could see me. I wish he could see how much I like him. How much I just want to be with him. I wish that just once one of these flirty duets would mean something more. I wish that I could tell him how I feel. But no, no, I'm just stupid and desperate and he doesn't want anything to do with me. I don't know if he ever will."
"I knew it. I knew he was better looking than me. And he was older. He shot Blaine down like it was nothing, like his feelings didn't matter. The whole time he spoke to him, telling him that there was nothing really there, that they'd had coffee twice and it didn't matter all I could think about was how I would never do that to him.
"There isn't anything on the face of the planet that would have made me give him up. How could you look at that sweet, hopeful face and turn him away? How could someone do that so harshly? Watching Blaine sing to him hurt. My chest still aches. He confessed his feelings for this boy in front of an entire store full of people. I'd be happy if he said he liked me when we were totally alone.
"He cried on the way home. I held him, telling him that he deserved better. I told him that there was someone out there that was perfect for him. I think that made him feel a little better. What did I want to say? I wanted to say that I could take care of him, that I would never hurt him or let him go. I played best friend instead, rocking him gently as a few tears seeped into my blazer. If he only knew...
"We got back to Dalton and he went to his room, hiding for the rest of the day. I came to my own room after telling him through the door that I was right down the hall if he needed me. I'm the one that's not alright; I found that out when I got in here. I picked up this notebook to write it all down, and now there are tears on the paper."
"Just when I thought I couldn't hate Valentine's Day any more. I tell him I thought he was going to sing to me because I'm absolutely crazy about him, and I get friend-zoned. He said he really cares about me, but…but the way he said it. It wasn't in a 'I want to be romantically involved with you' way. It was a 'You're my friend and I don't want to mess up our friendship.
"He doesn't feel the same way. He didn't even notice that I was an option for a companion until I said that. Damn it! What am I missing? What do other boys have that I don't? What did Jeremiah have that I didn't? I'm ugly, that's it. I'm not attractive enough for him. I feel so disgusting, and I can't stop crying. Stupid, stupid, stupid! I don't deserve someone like him.
"I feel so awful. I feel ugly. Maybe if I don't eat tomorrow I won't feel that way…"
"I may have another chance! Oh, who would have ever thought I'd be thanking God for Rachel Berry? I'm so excited that she's having this party. Maybe tonight, just maybe, I might be able to get through to him. Maybe this will be the night that I finally get to be with that boy I like so much. He may just want to be friends right now but tonight I'm gonna change his mind.
"I've spent a good three hours picking out this outfit and I think it's finally perfect. I hope Blaine likes it. He won't have to say anything about it, but I hope he does. All I can do is hope he does. He'll look fantastic no matter what he wears, even if it's our Dalton uniform. I don't care, I'm so excited. This may be the night that I get the boy of my dreams."
"STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! Damn it! Damn that BITCH! How could she do this to me? I thought we were friends!
"She kissed him. She kissed the boy I'm head-over-heels in love with. She sang with him. She flirted with him. I don't care if she was intoxicated; I thought we were better friends than that. It was just a game. That's how you play but…but they kissed for so long. What if she takes him? What if she takes him away just like she did with 'Defying Gravity.' I hate myself. I hate her. But I can't hate him. He's lying in my bed right now, sound asleep, but all he did on the way here was talk about her.
"I'm stupid, pathetic, worthless and ugly. I hate myself. Tonight my heart was ripped out again. It was stomped on again. I want to run away and hide again. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and cry until my ribs break again. Damn tonight. Damn Rachel Berry. And damn stupid, ugly, worthless me."
"Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse. But that…that bitch! She asked him out. She knows what he means to me, she knows that I've waited and waited for someone like him and she took him away. She'd done that already with Finn, why does she get to do it again? It's not fair. I'm so lonely it hurts, and I care about him so much.
"I hurt him. I wasn't supportive, I wasn't understanding, like I should have been. But damn it, my chest aches. It got worse after he looked at me like that. I don't want my hopes completely torn apart. Just…once, once I would like something to go my way. I'd like to do something right.
"Right now I wish he'd talk to me again. I feel like such a jerk. He's not sure and confident like I thought he was. Instead of me looking up to him, he's looking up to me. He just wants to see if he's normal. I want him to be happy, I want him to be okay. But why does it have to be like this?"
"According to Miss Berry I don't matter. Who cares about me? No one. She's right."
"HA! Who'll be eating the humble pie now, Rachel? Certainly not me, that's for sure. He's gay. One hundred percent gay! I STILL HAVE MY CHANCE!
"I said I was sorry to him. I spent a good twenty minutes telling him that I was selfish and rude and that I should have supported him and helped him through his confusion rather than telling him what he was doing wrong. I didn't expect him to forgive me so quickly, but I suppose that's what best friends are supposed to do.
"Friends…maybe that'll change one day. Maybe soon. Who knows…"
"Well, if I wasn't a hopeless loser before, I certainly am now. God, I'm so stupid. I'm so hopeless and stupid I've been banned to the 'Friend Zone.' This is just fantastic, I love being in the point of no return.
"WHAT DO THESE OTHER BOYS HAVE THAT I DON'T? WHAT'S SO WRONG WITH ME THAT HE CAN'T SEE ME?
"What's wrong with me…? What did I do wrong? Am I too ugly? Am I too obnoxious? Maybe it's my voice, it's too squeaky. I sound like a girl, maybe he doesn't like that. He doesn't like me. I've watched him date other guys and even a girl. He hasn't even looked my way. I must be doing something wrong. There must be something wrong with me. I'll figure it out, I will. Or maybe this perfect boy will find another perfect boy and I'll be here. Alone."
"I'm not sexy, go figure. I don't think I've been this embarrassed before. And it had to be in front of him. God, he wanted to talk about sex? I've never even made out before, let alone… Why am I such a wuss? I'm crying because he made me a little uncomfortable. He was just trying to help, but, but I don't want to know about that. I don't want to talk about it and I don't want-"
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT!"
Blaine jumped, shutting the journal out of reflex and looking up at him.
Kurt's cheeks were a fiery red, tears of frustration and mortification in his eyes. His fists were clenched at his sides. He was absolutely horrified.
Blaine could only stare at him, mouth agape, looking stupid. "It-it was on the table; I-I thought it was just a notebook I was going to write my address down for your dad…I saw my name and I just…"
Kurt snatched the book away from him, clutching it tightly to his chest, a tear slipping to his angry cheek.
"This is private, Blaine. This was my private business and…" He looked away, crying silently, breath shaking. He was so furious…
"Kurt," he said gently, standing and going to him slowly, "did I really make you feel that way?"
"It's not important. This happened a long time ago. It doesn't matter," he spat harshly, still not looking at him. A vein showed in his neck, his face tight and contorted as it usually was when he was uncomfortable.
"It matters to me," Blaine said, touching his arm. He jerked away. "I hurt you. Even when I was just your friend I still would have wanted to know."
"Everything's fine now," Kurt said softly, still not meeting his eyes. "Let's just drop this. I don't want to talk about it."
"Kurt, this is my fault," he whispered, gently touching the book. "I did this." He moved his hand to his cheek, turning his face to look at him. He caught a tear on his thumb. "I did this too." Kurt blinked, looking back at him with shining baby-blues.
"I've loved you for a lot longer than you loved me, Blaine," he breathed. "All I wanted was for to you love me too. I would've been okay if you said you liked me. I just…I just wanted…" He looked away.
"Hey," he took his face in his hands, looking at him steadily. "You were never not good enough. You are not ugly in any sense of the word. You're perfect. It just took me a minute to see all that you really were. And I'm so sorry that it took me that long." He placed one hand on the notebook again. "I'm sorry that this went on so long. You don't have to forgive me…but will you?"
Kurt swallowed and nodded, leaning into his hand. "I forgive you." Blaine wrapped his arms around him, resting his forehead on top of his.
"I'm so sorry, Kurt. I love you," he said, leaning up to kiss him. Kurt welcomed it, his heart fluttering a little. He kissed him back with deep want and need, sighing. They broke apart and he found himself in tears again.
"I love you too, Blaine."
They kissed again and the notebook clattered to the floor, forgotten.