A/N: Hello everyone, this story is an adaptation of Mmooch's story 'Wish Loopholes'. Mmooch posted this as a one shot, and I wanted to see if I could make this into a full sized story. As the title implies this story is going to be a play off Mathew Vaughn's 'Y the Last Man'. This story bashes Xander a bit, but he is called the zeppo for a reason so I am not going to feel too bad about it. Hope you enjoy! This is not beta-ed so I hope there is not any spelling or grammar issues. Would love a beta if anyone is willing.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything from the Buffy universe. Honestly, it seems these days as if Joss does not either so this is more for Kaz and Fran Kuzui than Mutant Enemy.
The fiscal year was ending for the New Watchers Council. Most of the watchers and senior slayers dreaded the June end of the year meeting due to the boring financial reports. Buffy Summers however loathed the meetings because it was the one time of the year that she was forced to sit in the same room as Xander Harris.
She had over the years wondered what life would have been like if she had ignored Xander in high school. Why had she felt so compelled to accept his friendship? That was if you could have considered it friendship at all.
The young man had over the years proven that he was just a lovesick puppy. Every decision he had made seemed to be an act to get her to pay attention to him. Buffy could only assume that his tryst with Anya had been a convenience of getting a woman to let him into her pants.
His obsession had never been more than an annoyance until two years after the fall of Sunnydale.
Xander and Dawn had been stationed in New York while Dawnie studied at NYU. The youngest Summers had never lost her teenage crush on the one eyed carpenter and Xander had taken advantage of her eagerness.
A few weeks after Xander had taken Dawn's innocence he left her without even calling and went on walkabout in Africa. The next day Buffy got a tear-filled phone call from her little sister. Two days later Buffy had completely gone off the grid. When the Council finally found Xander, he was locked in the basement of an abandoned hotel on the outskirts of Bossangoa in the French Congo.
The walls of the room were brown with decay and the single piece of furniture in the room was a metal chair. The young man was bound to the chair with rope and not a stitch of clothing on his body. His nakedness displayed injuries that were too numerous to count. His patch was discarded and his good eye was swollen with puss and blood.
Once the extraction team had gotten the man back to the United Kingdom, their doctors found traces of several toxins and other drugs meant to drive a person insane.
What watchers the Council had then were smart enough to keep their mouths shut about the incident around the senior slayer though no one could deny the likelihood that she had gotten to Mr Harris long before they had.
Giles had respectfully declined to comment and made sure the only male scoobie was always assigned to posts on separate continents from the Summers women. He could not however justify throwing young man into the street after what to him was only one transgression. The head watcher understood that some men make mistakes and was sure that the young man would prove his worth.
Four years had now passed and Xander had not missed an opportunity at every end of year meeting to flirt with Buffy.
The most senior slayer was opening the door to the conference room when she felt a hand slip up her left bicep. Turning her head, she saw Xander with his trademark goofy expression.
"Please remove your hand." She hissed with a forced politeness.
The man's grin turned into a smirk. "Come on Buffy you know you want some of the Xan-man." He said with a wink hoping that after all this time she would realize that he still liked her. "If it helps, I forgive you."
The look on his face was so genuine and heartfelt that Buffy felt no remorse socking him right in the nose.
Xander's head snapped back and the crunching sound made by his breaking nose could be heard throughout the spacious boardroom.
"What the hell?" He screamed clutching his nose as blood spilled onto the floor.
"I don't want you to touch me or any of my slayers ever again." The short blonde-haired woman demanded pointing a finger at him.
The look of hurt on the man's face only caused the slayer's scowl to deepen. Xander seemed incapable of understanding the meaning of the word no, as he continued to put in foot in his mouth. "Can't you see I love you?" He sobbed. "Everything I've ever done was for you."
"I wouldn't be with you if you were the last man on earth!" She screamed finally fed up with his attitude.
"Oh yeah? Well I wish I was the last man on earth!" He screamed back not realising he had spoken the forbidden word.
A flash shortly blinded him and as he opened his eyes Xander Looked around the boardroom in shock. A woman occupied every seat of the large oval table. Looking up at the head of the table a woman stood holding a simple pair of gold-rimmed glasses and a grey cleaning cloth. Her hair was peppered with grey and she looked like she was in her late fifties.
Xander in a moment of weakness let a small smile slip onto his face. How could Buffy resist him now that he seemed to be the last man on earth? His smile fell when the elder woman, who clearly used to be one Rupert Giles, cleared her throat and gave him the same reproachful stare the male version had been so famous for.
"Would you care to explain to all of us why you felt like tempting D'hoffryn?" She spoke, clearly not impressed with the situation in which she found herself.
Everyone in the room saw the reality of the situation settle in his eyes. "Oh Shit."
A/N: Hope you liked it. Should I keep going?