No one loves me.
It's not like I have terribly low self-confidence or anything like that, I simply state the truth. And I will continue to have no one love me. No, who would love me when there are so many others that are just— plain and simple better.
I don't know why, but I continue to stare out the window at the lanky, dark-haired boy nodding politely as a girl beaming cheerily chatters away animatedly. His violet eyes gaze gently at the girl, the flare of irritation usually present when he speaks with me now replaced by a rare softness. That girl is so innocent, so carefree. A great counterpart to Lelouch's distressing lifestyle and maybe, just maybe she could unlock some of his bottled up emotions under that cool exterior. And to top it off, she's breathtakingly beautiful, luscious auburn-orange locks frame a cute heart-shaped face and end a bit below a very well-endowed chest. Shirley, was that her name?
Something strange stirs within me, as if my heart has clenched tightly and dropped to the pit of my stomach. I abruptly pull the maroon curtains over the window and take a few steps backwards. Darkness immediately envelopes me. But I don't bother to move. Darkness has become my well-acquainted friend as I've gradually learned to embrace my loneliness.
I wryly smile. Who would have thought that even after all this time I would still seek something as silly as that…?
The school bell tolls somewhere in the distance, my cue to tuck my flowing green hair into an oversized cap. Lelouch has firmly instructed me to stay home but I never was really one to follow directions. And it's quite simple for me to blend in; after all despite being hundreds of years old I still have the body of an average school girl.
A few students openly whisper about my conspicuous bulging hat, and I merely continue to aimlessly roam the hallways. In a couple of moments they will soon forget about me anyways, hurrying off to their classes like bees rushing to flowers when the second bell rings. Oh the lives of the mortal… I linger in the hallway a bit longer, leaning my elbow on a windowsill to glue my eyes to a student chomping on a slice of pizza below me.
"Megumi, are you really going to do it?"
"Y-yes! The least I can do is try right? Do I have anything weird on my face? Anything stuck between my teeth?"
It appears I've stumbled onto two hysterical girls having a bland conversation before class starts, damn them for distracting me from inhaling the delectable scent of that silky cheese on top of piping hot tomato sauce sitting on a hand-tossed freshly ground wheat…
"No you're all clear, go out there and give Lelouch-kun the confession of his life!"
Lelouch…? I don't quite know why, nor can control it, but a small gasp escapes from my mouth and I momentarily forget about my pizza. A feat quite difficult to accomplish. I briskly walk away in the opposite direction, only pausing briefly to pick up my fallen hat and then continuing ahead. I'm not hiding or running away from anything. I just have an urgent need to leave.
But God has never really liked me. As I turn the corner, I'm hit with a rather intimate scene of an uncomfortable Lelouch squatting to scoop up books while simultaneously attempting to avert his eyes from Kallen's underwear. Attempting, being the key word here. Her short skirt had hiked up when she bent over to gather her books, revealing a lovely view of scarlet panties.
"Ano…arigatou, Lelouch." She says this almost shyly, a weak smile on her lips. Roaring screams and bashing insults are the norm for Kallen Stradtfeld, so Lelouch must be really something to open up this side of her. I know she has always had feelings for Zero, so wouldn't it make sense for her to like Lelouch too?
"Ah, don't worry about it." He stands back up and gently places a pile of books in her hands. "And you might want to pull your skirt down a little…" Lelouch turns away with pink tingeing his cheeks.
Kallen looks down and blushes furiously, gaping widely as she realizes her skirt has ridden up several inches up her thigh. She immediately yanks it down lower, taking extra time to smooth out the wrinkles and avoid eye contact with Lelouch.
"CC!" Oh? The boy has noticed me. "What are you doing here? You know you can't be seen!" His eyes snap from their former softness to his trademark irritation.
I shrug, my golden eyes unwavering. "Tabasco sauce."
"But I can't seem to find any, so I'm going home." My long green hair trails behind me as I calmly stroll away. I listen meticulously to the rhythm of my footsteps thudding against the empty hallways so I can drown out my heart's rapid thumping against my ribcage.
"Ha! Sorry but I was fooling you the whole time! I only used you so you could take my place in this hell called eternal life." Maniacal joy coursed through her veins, a frightening smile spread widely across her face.
"W-what?" I stuttered in disbelief. I trusted her. I told her all my secrets, all my thoughts and feelings. She said she loved me. She said it so convincingly, with a tender hug and whispers of reassurance tickling the shell of my ear. What is this? Who is this? Fear wrapped around me faster than the tears that sprung to my eyes could roll down my cheeks.
"What are you sayin-?" I couldn't finish my sentence as an icy dagger plunged through the soft flesh of my heart. My eyes quivered as I saw my own blood spewing out around me like a fountain spraying water. The red liquid partially blocked my view of the nun grinning from ear to ear, ropes to bind my hands and feet slung over her arms. As I fell to the cold cement of the church it felt like time had momentarily stopped ticking, the smell of stale pews forever engrained in my mind. But that's when I understood.
She never loved me. No one ever loved me. The realization made my tears pour down like water overflowing a bucket, matching the pace of the bright crimson blood dribbling down my body in sticky rivulets. I don't know how long I rotted there in a warm puddle of salty tears and rancid blood, Hell has no time limit.
My eyelids flip open with a start. It is dark again. But I am not alone bleeding away listening to my quiet sobs echoing in the hollow church. Instead, I am alone and curled up tightly in a ball on Lelouch's bed. For some reason, I have the strong desire to bathe in light. I bolt up from the bed and drag the curtains aside, letting the sunset's light swarm into every corner of his room. I pause for a moment to stare at the vibrant orange ball in the center of a sky splashed with dark magentas and bursts of vermilions. It's a peaceful evening; the light's reflection coating the undersides of cumulus clouds in a light shade of peach.
It reminded me of Marianne, Mao, the nun. Everyone I used to watch the sunset with on open meadows that I still managed to remember. I quickly turn away, shut away those thoughts. I twist the knob to turn on Lelouch's desk lamp and flip the switch near his door to turn on the hanging lights. His room isn't particularly furnished, so I suppose I must be satisfied and gracefully plop onto Lelouch's bed again. I clutch a fistful of the emerald green blankets, absentmindedly running the velvety material between the pads of my fingers.
Lelouch still isn't home yet. I wonder if he's with that Shirley girl, or Kallen, or maybe even that Megami girl or whatever her name was. It's fine if he is, good even. Despite his alter ego as a leader of a dangerous rebellion, he is still just a boy. He should let himself be human sometimes.
I'll never admit this to anyone, but what seems to come so easily to him, I've always wanted.
To be the object of someone's affection and only have the thought of me running through their mind. I wanted for someone to know my mood by one glance, to realize that though I appeared calm on the outside I'm on the verge of tears inside. I wanted someone to chase me, to tell me I'm beautiful, to tell me I'm fine the way I am. I wanted someone to fight to protect me, coming in at precisely the last moment to grasp my hand tightly and pull me into their chest, comforting me with their tender eyes and soothingly stroking my hair. That's what my Geass was supposed to fulfill right? But if anything my Geass only dug a deeper hollow in my heart. If the only way I was able to garner attention was through supernatural forces, then wouldn't I be forgotten once the effects stopped?
And that's exactly what happened. Without my Geass, no one came. I was left alone to burn to a crisp on stakes; the nails slammed into my palms and feet a nice distraction from the searing heat blazing my body. My ankles were tied to stone anchors and I was thrown into the ocean to drown, the pressure imploded my head and the lack of oxygen choked me to death. Sure I may be immortal, but that doesn't make the pain any less real.
So in the end, I gave up. I stopped screaming, either way no one heard them, or cared. Someone like me would never know how it feels to have someone truly love you.
The Geass was the closest I would ever get. After all, I am a witch. Who would love a witch? I don't belong in this world.
A brief image of Lelouch holding me bridal style in front of a cackling Mao flashes through my mind. But then I remember Shirley, Kallen, and Milly and the memory crumbles away. Lelouch belongs with those girls, girls untainted by immortality and age. I'm better off by myself, I don't desire things like love anymore, and there's no point in wishing for futile wishes. The truth I've learned to accept is just that, I'm unlovable.
I feel tears slipping down my face, slowly trailing down my cheeks and dotting Lelouch's blankets with dark spots. That's strange, I don't have any reason to cry do I?
"Oi, CC. Are you home?"
I hear a jingling of keys near the door and quickly swipe my hand over the stray tears.
"Ah, good you're here." Lelouch sighs, almost sounding relieved. Things clang loudly onto the floor and then he sinks into his chair, swiveling around to face the computer.
I blink a few times, trying to subtly clear my eyes of any excessive moisture.
"Why did you decide to come to school today?" He asks me without turning away from his computer screen.
I twirl a strand of my long green hair between my fingers. "I got bored."
He hasn't turned around but I can tell he's rolling his eyes. "That's no reason to come barging into my school like that! You've been seen with the Black Knights what if someone saw you?"
"You worry too much Lelouch." I'm already bored with the conversation so I close my eyes tiredly.
Lelouch does not respond so I assume the discussion is over. But when I open my eyes I see a pair of purple eyes staring intensely at me. "Yes Lelouch?" I add a yawn for additional dramatic effect and to fortify just how tired I am.
"Why are all the lights on?"
He moves to stand up, the seat creaking as he moves, and edges closer to the bed. "Have you been crying?"
My eyes widen slightly, genuinely surprised. But I wipe the look off in an instant and plaster on my composed countenance. "No, why would I do such a thing?" I keep my voice perfectly level, I'm an expert at it by now.
His lips purse into a thin line as he studies me carefully. I'm starting to feel uncomfortable so I slyly create a diversion. "Oh? Trying to get close to a weak and defenseless girl on your bed eh? I didn't know you had it in you Lelouch."
That gives me the desired effect of him snapping back immediately, nearly toppling over his chair. I can't help but chuckle at the embarrassed expression on his face.
"Stupid witch…" The flustered boy mutters under his breath.
"Sticks and stones can't break my bones so words will never hurt me." I state evenly with a small smirk.
"Ha…that's not true." Lelouch sits on the bed, his weight depressing the mattress. "If anything words are the most hurtful of them all."
I raise a fine eyebrow. "Hn. Sounds like you've just gotten your feelings hurt, oh you poor boy."
I suddenly feel the mattress ascend as he removes his weight. "You are ever the pleasant company CC." He says with a bit of amusement laced in his tone.
Soft fabric lands haphazardly on my head, and I lazily throw my arm behind me to gingerly pick at it. "What's this for?" I scrutinize the baggy navy blue t-shirt and black sweatpants indifferently.
"It's what it looks like, surely even a witch like you wouldn't enjoy wearing prison clothes all the time." He's crossing his arms below his chest in a triumphant manner, but underneath his playful expression there's a hint of concern.
His face makes me laugh briefly. Really Lelouch? Caring about something like that? For someone like me? But I decide to humor him. I reach my hand towards my back and unzip the white prisoner outfit in one swift motion, shrugging it off my shoulders.
"Oi! Give me some warning!" Lelouch exclaims heatedly and whips his head towards his computer.
"Pft, probably nothing you haven't seen before. What with your fan club and secret admirers who claim to not be in your fan club but actually keep a photo of you in their wallet." I pull his shirt over my head, pleased with the new roominess and smell of fresh laundry detergent.
Lelouch makes some sort of annoyed grunt but refuses to turn around.
I won't say it out loud to him but I do feel better. I wedge a black strap from the prisoner's outfit in between my toes and carelessly toss it to the floor. Memories of the church and bitter deaths wane from my mind, and I relish the tranquility I seldom feel by snuggling deeper into Lelouch's pillow.
I don't give Lelouch any signs of acknowledgement, but he knows I'm listening anyways.
"What dumb things have you been thinking about again?"
I tilt my head to peak at him from one honey-amber eye. Lelouch's hands are placed on the keyboard but he's not typing, a glazed look in his eyes. Though his voice is low and nearly inaudible, I don't have to strain to hear his sincerity.
"Didn't I say this before? If you're a witch then I'll be your warlock. I don't want to see you make that kind of face again."
My eyes flash open and my cold disposition falters. A sudden warmth drenches my body and I feel lighter, my mind clearer. I've been alive for thousands of years and accumulated vast amounts of knowledge from painful first-hand experiences. But somehow, Lelouch manages to instill new feelings.
Maybe after all this time, I'm still not certain what love really is. Maybe the love I desire isn't just the dashing prince saving the damsel in distress or the perfect hero swooping in to save the day. Maybe what I truly needed was merely someone to honestly accept all of who I really am. Is there really a difference between that and love?
Unbeknownst to my mind, my lips quirk upwards into a small smile. "You must have been seeing things Lelouch, who do you think I am?" Inside, in a tiny little corner of what I suppose is my heart, I don't deny that words can be powerful.