a/n: Before I get bombarded with flames, I'd just like to say that I don't have anything against LuffyxNami or ZoroxSanji.
"Nami, I... I feel like I should tell you something."
Nami looked up at an out-of-breath Luffy from her orange tree that she was tending, because y'know, that's what she does all the time.
"What is it?" She asked, smiling sweetly.
Luffy blushed and pulled his straw hat over his eyes. "I-I don't really know how to say this, but... when I'm near you... when I look at you... I feel this strange feeling, like a...," he gulped ",...like some kind of bigger than life feeling. And I don't know what it means."
Nami jumped up so quickly that it made Luffy step back a little, scared that he had said something wrong. "Oh my god!", she shouted. "Are you in love with me?"
"Well, I... guess?", Luffy said slowly, tilting his head with a confused expression. "If this is what love feels like, then it must be it."
Nami's eyes widened to the size of plates. "I knew it! I knew it from the beginning because you always let me wear your hat and all, and because you fought over me with Arlong and all that stuff, and did you see the tenth movie yet? Talk about obvious!"
"Yeah", Luffy said, now with a determined look and crossed arms. "I decided. It's definitely love."
"Oh, Luffy, I love you too!" Nami squealed and ran up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck.
Luffy blushed again. "N-Nami...", he muttered. There was a brief pause. "So what do we do now?"
Nami looked up at Luffy with a devious smile. "We get down to business, of course!"
"Huh? What does that mean?" Asked Luffy, who was already being pinned down on the deck.
"It means we'll have sex, silly", Nami said seductively, sitting on top of Luffy and starting to unbutton his vest.
"Wait, wait! Nami, what does "sex" mean?"
But Luffy's cries went unheard as Nami gave him the sex education of his life right there on the deck. Of course, no one was there to witness this wondrous act since Usopp, Chopper, Robin, Franky and Brook were off somewhere doing something, but that's not important because no one cares about them and their uninteresting, unsexy asses anyway.
As for the remaining two, they were in the kitchen at the time...
Zoro had just dodged a chair that Sanji had thrown at him. That stupid cook didn't know what was best for him, did he?
"I said it already five times, dartboard-brow, your food completely sucked this time!" Zoro yelled as he dodged the dinner table that hit the wall with an ear-shattering crash.
"Oh yeah?" Sanji replied. "Well, I've got news for you, marimo! Your santouryuu completely sucks!"
That was the last straw for Zoro. "All right, now you've done it", he mumbled, taking a sword in each hand and another in his mouth. "Wanna come closer and see just how sucky my santouryuu is?"
"Of course!" Sanji shot back. "But I'm so not doing it to have an excuse for getting in close contact with you!"
"Good, me neither!" Zoro said as he braced himself for Sanji's kick.
As they fought, Zoro couldn't help noticing how long and graceful Sanji's legs were. It's like they were practically made for kicking. It made him lose his concentration for a moment, and Sanji's right leg nearly smashed his head against the wall, but he dodged it right on time.
"You son of a-", Zoro cursed and glanced up at Sanji's face.
His face was close. Closer to Zoro's than ever before. Their eyes met, and Zoro realized Sanji had blue eyes. Huh, he didn't know that either. They just stared at each other for a while, freeze-framed in that position, Zoro's swords against Sanji's lifted leg. Zoro's gaze drifted down Sanji's leg until it reached his crotch, completely exposed -
"NO!" They both yelled out in unison and jumped apart.
"Where do you think you're looking, marimo?" Sanji screeched, red as a tomato.
"Nowhere!" Zoro growled back, equally red. "Do you think I like it when I have someone's crotch right in front of my nose?"
"You sure as hell looked like it!"
Zoro snapped. He abandoned his swords, letting them drop on the floor and jumped on Sanji. Sanji screamed like a girl but didn't let Zoro get his way. They literally began wrestling on the kitchen floor, neither showing any signs of giving up. They panted and sweated like they would've been running a marathon on a hot summer day.
Finally they stopped, Zoro atop Sanji, still panting. Zoro just stared at Sanji for a while, at his bright blue eyes, remembering how graceful his legs were while fighting - and then, suddenly, he was kissing Sanji. Sanji made an angry, muffled sound against his mouth, but realizing how good Zoro's tongue felt, he relaxed somewhat. Zoro's fingers were entangled in Sanji's hair, marveling how silky it felt. Sanji started to moan softly. That's when Zoro pulled away.
"Enjoying this, dartboard?" He asked, grinning.
"The hell I am, marimo", Sanji said breathlessly, not looking Zoro in the eye.
"Heh, or maybe you noticed I'm a better kisser than you", Zoro teased.
"No, I'm better than you!"
Then they kissed again and had violent, competitive sex that nearly destroyed the whole kitchen.
A day later, Luffy was sitting in front of Sunny's figurehead when he noticed something.
"Guys, look! A submarine!" He yelled and pointed out to sea.
There indeed was a yellow submarine coming their way. And yes, it was Law's submarine.
Luffy gasped when he saw who had just come out of the ship and boarded their Sunny. Apart from Law, of course.
There, in front of them, stood none other than Portgas D. Ace.
"Ace!" Luffy screamed and ran to glomp his big brother. "What are you doing here? I thought you were dead!"
Ace shrugged. "I don't really know myself. I thought I was dead too, but...", a brilliant smile spread across his face, "here I am! Ta-dah!"
"I met him on one of my journeys", Law explained, wrapping his arm around Ace's waist. "Then he boarded my ship and we had an epic romance and a threesome with Bepo!"
Ace smiled uncomfortably at this memory.
Then Luffy, Nami, Zoro and Sanji watched, jaw-dropped, as Ace and Law kissed shamelessly in front of them for a couple of minutes.
Because the rest of the Straw hats weren't in this fic for the reader's enjoyment, it's best to pretend he doesn't have them in his crew at all.
Then Luffy had a great idea.
"Hey", he said to Ace and Law. "Since I have so little crew members, how about you guys join my crew?"
Then Luffy and his crew of hotties lived happily ever after.