Summary: Before Harry was with Ginny, he was with Draco. My own little attempt at epilogue reconciliation.
Warnings: Draco/Harry, implied Ginny/Harry and implied Draco/Astoria
Rating: …G? PG?
Word Count: 4000
A/N: Hey guys! So this is the first piece of…anything I've written in almost three years, sorry if I'm a bit rusty! I know the ending isn't what anyone would like, but there's a bit of a personal side to this one and I couldn't justify putting a happy ending on it. Feel free to leave comments, complaints, or concerns in the review box!
There are really two people I've got to thank for making this happen, and for me writing anything in general.
The first is the wonderful Noor, who agreed to beta for me and had some wonderful suggestions that I think made this just that much better, thanks girl! 3
Secondly as I seem to be doing a lot lately I've got to mention a really really awesome friend, WM(I don't actually know what to call you outside of Tumblr, so there you have it.) It was finally reading/raving about/being addicted to PiP that got my sorry arse back into something I hadn't realized I'd missed as much as I had. I can't really thank you enough, hun, but here's trying. 3
(P.s. This is a WrittenMatrix appreciation A/N, go read his stuff, it's amazing!)
Now onto the story!
Disclaimer: If I owned Harry Potter this story wouldn't have needed to be written because Harry and Draco would have been OTPBFFLFLs. Song lyrics are from Zzzz by The Cab.
And you're hot, cold
You're better in my bones
You run while I lose control
I miss you
Forever you'll stay gold
And you know I'm not getting by
I've lost it, you're in my mind
And everyday's the darkest of my life
I never said I was the best thing for you
Three weeks. Three god damn weeks. That's how long it'd been since he'd heard from Potter. Or rather - since Potter had run back into the arms of the Weaslette after another of their fights. They'd been together for two years, shouldn't they be past the pointless squabbles by now? Apparently not, since they fought almost every night, and not even the make-up sex is as great or as meaningful as it once was. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe Draco had been mistaken to think the Boy Who Lived could actually fall in love and live happily ever after with a Death Eater.
"What is your problem, Draco?" Harry sounded exasperated again, a tone of voice which only served to fuel Draco's own anger.
"My problem?" he asked indignantly. "My problem is that you seem to be perfectly content spending more time with them, and her, than you do with your lover." His voice sounded strained, even to his own ears. All those years of training were useless in the face of Harry Potter and his damned hard headedness.
"Draco they're my friends. They're the closest thing to family I've got, you can't keep me away from them! You can't ask me to choose between my family and you."
"I'm not asking you to choose, Harry," Draco said, the irritation clear in his voice. "I'm telling you that Ginerva Weasley is still angling for you and you are oblivious to it." How could Harry not see that the Weaslette was just waiting for Draco to slip up so that she could sink her claws back into the Chosen One? Said Chosen One's face twisted in anger at Draco's tone.
"Don't talk about Ginny like that! She's a friend, and she's given us her blessing-"
"She said she wanted to see you happy, that you deserved someone who made you happy-"
"And when you aren't acting like this, you do, you idiot! Why can't you just be happy that we're together?"
"Oh yes, I forgot I was the one who chased after you for a year and a half, I should be grateful you finally decided to listen to my proposal, is that it?" He was starting to get irrational now, starting to pick apart little details - it was something he always did when he was starting to lose it. When he knew he was once again on the wrong side of the argument.
"Damn it Draco, will you stop twisting my words."
Well at least it never failed to get a rise out of his lover.
"You know what I meant. I'm with you, Draco. I love you. I don't love Ginny, not in that way. Besides, you're always the one I come back to, aren't you?"
Harry stepped closer to him, his green eyes pleading silently for Draco to just see reason, the anger giving way to something akin to desperation. They were always like this - always bickering and throwing barbs at one another. Lately it seemed Draco was doing most of the throwing.
Frankly it was getting tiring and Harry didn't know if it was worth being with the turbulent blond, no matter how much he enjoyed the peaceful times. When had everything gone so wrong?
"Harry," Draco sighed, trying so hard to not just snap back at his lover. He was trying so hard to make this work. Why couldn't they make this work? "I love you too." He brought his arms up, resting his hands lightly on Harry's shoulders. "I just can't stand to see you spend so much time with them when you're so oblivious to every advance she makes on you!" They were close enough that Draco could lean in and press his forehead against Harry's, closing his eyes and breathing in and out to try and control his temper. To try and think of anything but the Weaslette slinging her arms carelessly around Harry in a 'sisterly' fashion, holding on a bit longer than was proper, staying a little too close than was strictly necessary. If her intentions were sisterly then his name was Neville Longbottom.
"Draco I don't know what you're talking about, Ginny is like my sister. If it would make you feel better, I'll talk it over with her, all right? Just …stop this." Harry brought his arms around Draco's neck, holding him in place and leaning further into the blond's taller frame. "Please?" he whispered, close enough his breath was ghosting over Draco's lips distractingly.
"I just want you here, Harry. I just…want to be with you." Draco sighed against his lips, knowing he'd be giving in yet again despite the bile that rose in his throat at the thought. He needed Harry to understand just how much it bothered him that every time they fought about Ginny's intentions Harry always returned to the Wesley's where he would inevitably be comforted by the ginger haired vixen. The irony of the situation was not lost on Draco.
"I am here," Harry responded, leaning up on the balls of his feet to press a gentle kiss against Draco's lips. Draco's arms slowly slid down Harry's torso to wrap around the brunet's waist as he tilted his head to deepen the kiss, feeling Harry moan softly as his tongue slid across the smaller man's lips.
Yes you are…but for how long…? the smallest, most traitorous part of Draco's mind whispered as they stumbled towards their bed.
It hadn't been long after that night that Harry could once again be found at the Wesley's, listlessly staring into their hearth after another fight with Draco.
It was a vicious, endless cycle, one they couldn't seem to break free of, and it seemed the times of peace were growing shorter as the fights grew more serious. None of the Weasley's were bothering to hide their concern, or their thoughts that Harry should just put an end to his turbulent relationship with Draco Malfoy. How could he explain to them that he loved Draco more because of their constant fights? That the fire with which Draco lived his life was something that drew Harry to him, not something that pushed him away. He just wished that Draco could find something other than his supposed secret affair with Ginny to aim his anger at. Looking up at the sound of someone behind him, Harry saw the source of his troubles standing over him, a soft, sympathetic smile on her face as she offered him a mug of Butterbeer. He took it gratefully, shifting over as she sat down beside him. The bench was a bit too small for two people to sit comfortably, but Harry was in need of a friend, of something other than a biting tongue and sharp silver eyes that cut into his soul.
"Harry…why do you stay with him?" Ginny asked quietly and he sighed again, not wanting to explain once again why he was sure he and Malfoy could work. "I know you've explained before it's just…you don't seem happy, Harry. When I said I wanted you to be with someone who made you happy this isn't what I meant." She shifted closer, putting a hand on his shoulder but he shrugged gently, dislodging her hand.
"Ginny…he's just…he does make me happy… I just can't stand to see him so upset over something that isn't even…" he sighed. Well, this was the best time to bring up the subject, wasn't it? It was now or never. "He thinks you've been trying to pull me away from him and it's been making him so jumpy he's started snapping at his own shadow." He looked sideways at her to see her reaction and was surprised to see the slightest hint of guilt in her eyes.
"Harry, I've tried to be supportive of this. I've really tried, but he's a Malfoy. They're just a bunch or slimy, turncoat gits. No matter how much you say he's changed or he was never like that I don't believe it. He's not good for you. You deserve to be with someone who'll be there for you, always, like you know I would be." As she finished she turned towards him, her knee brushing against his as she again placed her hand on his shoulder. The look of determination in her eyes was one he was familiar with - it was the same look he had on his face when he was chasing the snitch.
He locked eyes with her and hardened his stare. Could Draco have been right after all? He didn't want to believe that Ginny could do something like that. She was like his sister. He shifted away from her, turning to look her full in the face.
"Ginny. I'm with Draco. I want to always be with him. Nothing you do will change that so please - stop whatever you're doing. It's just making things worse." Her eyes widened slightly as she stared at him for a beat before mumbling something he didn't quite catch. She stood up and headed back into the kitchen, looking the tiniest bit put out and unsettled. Harry ran a hand through his hair and stood, leaving his untouched mug of Butterbeer on the bench and stepping closer to the fireplace. He had been so sure that Draco had been over reacting, but now he was starting to think maybe the blond had just been, as usual, more perceptive than Harry himself could ever hope to be. He had to talk to Draco, it had been almost three weeks since he'd seen the blond, since he'd thought he could talk to him without once again blowing up in his face.
It was time to fix this, he knew he belonged with Draco; it seemed he just had to convince the world of the same thing.
Draco pressed the palms of his hands hard into his eyes, willing himself to just get a god damned hold of his emotions. He was a Malfoy. Malfoys did not cry, even when it felt like the only thing he could do. So Harry had left - so he probably wasn't coming back. That was a good thing right? Draco didn't need Harry, with all of his constant obliviousness and irritating Gryffindor habits, his messiness and complete ineptitude in anything that required planning of any sort. He didn't need to come home to a perfectly home cooked meal, or to see Harry's smile when he arrived early with dinner reservations to Harry's favourite restaurant. He didn't need the raven haired man's arms around him at night to be able to sleep, nor did he need to hear Harry's sleepy mumbles as he woke up in the morning. He didn't need the passionate kisses Harry always placed on his neck as Draco's hands wandered over his body or the feeling of being inside the other man as he moaned and panted Draco's name. He didn't need Harry bloody Potter to be happy.
The small part of him that wasn't in denial noted this was not a very effective game he was playing with himself and couldn't he just admit he'd been wrong – okay, maybe not wrong but that he'd acted rashly - and couldn't he just apologize to Harry?
But Harry didn't want an apology. He wanted Draco out of his life. His refusal to contact Draco since their fight was proof of that. Now all that was left was for Draco to pick up his own pieces and get on with a life he had never thought he would have to live again - one without Harry in it. He stood from the edge of the bed he had been sitting on, resolute in his decision to forget about Potter and move on. It was time he stopped kidding himself, he had known the Savoir of the Wizarding World would never be with someone like him permanently, people didn't change that much - not really.
It was at that moment as he was gathering his resolve that the hearth flared green and none other than Harry Potter stepped through, his eyes shining as he spotted Draco, stepping quickly over to him.
"Draco, thank Godric, I've talked with Ginny and we-"
"I don't want to hear it, Potter. You've obviously had plenty of time to get quite comfortable with your 'family', why not just stay there permanently?" he spat, the venom in his voice hiding all the relief and tears he felt prickling his eyes at the sight of Harry back in their room. To his satisfaction Harry looked thoroughly gob smacked.
"Draco that's not - that's not what happened! Listen you've got it wrong!-" Draco wouldn't give him another minute to make up another story, if Harry had really wanted to be with him, he wouldn't have waited this long to come back - Draco was tired of chasing something he would never have. Even if it was also the only thing he had ever truly wanted.
"No, Harry, you've got it wrong. I meant it when I said you should go back to those paupers, you belong with them, and you obviously aren't cut out for the kind of life I live. You know, one with a monogamous relationship. They're obviously big on sharing - I'm sure lovers are just one more thing they haven't got enough of to go around." He put every bit of bite and scorn and venom he possessed into his words, willing Harry to just leave him to his own misery. He saw the anger building behind Harry's eyes at every one of his words.
"You take every word of that back you wanker," Harry spat back, fairly radiating anger. "You know they aren't like that, no matter what Ginny's intentions were." Harry said menacingly, stepping towards Draco with a murderous gleam in his eye. Draco didn't care. Harry needed to leave before he did something stupid like apologize. Before he started begging Harry to forgive him.
"You, Draco Malfoy, are an arrogant, self-righteous prick and I can't believe I stood up for you for so long. I came here to set things right - I've talked with Ginny, you were right, but after you've made it abundantly clear now that I 'don't belong in your life' perhaps I should just walk out now." Draco saw the tears in Harry's eyes even through the traitorous blur in his own. He knew he had royally fucked up now. Maybe it was for the best. He obviously hadn't been doing either of them a favour when he'd admitted his feelings for Harry, maybe it was best to put everything behind him.
"Maybe you should." He cursed himself silently for the tremor that was in his voice as he spoke. He would not let his emotions show anymore.
"Draco…" Harry sighed, dropping his head. He had promised himself he wouldn't get angry no matter what Draco said but the blond always knew exactly what buttons to push. He knew Draco better than he knew himself, he knew the meaning behind Draco's words but he just couldn't see why the blond always had to fight.
"Draco, I love you. I don't know what I'd do without you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, so why can't we work this out? Why can't you stop with the insults and the façade and just talk to me like a normal person?"
"Harry, just shut up. Just because we…just because the sex is great and I like having you around so I don't have to cook for myself doesn't mean we belong together, that this actually meant anything. It doesn't mean we're good together, or that I'm the best thing for you." Draco saw the fire die in Harry's eyes at his words, saw the hurt in the green eyes even as he felt them stab at his own heart. Harry never said anything after he put down their relationship, never said that what they had was more than just meaningless sex when it was convenient. Even though he had meant his words to hurt, they held less bite and more self-pity than he really would have liked at the end. Just once, he wanted Harry to tell him Draco meant as much to him as he meant to Draco.
Harry swallowed harshly, Draco's words hurt, reaching into the darkest parts of his heart and pulling out the doubt that always rested there. Had he been wrong to think Draco cared for him? He knew at one point the blond had truly loved him, maybe he had just grown tired of Harry once the novelty wore off.
"…I don't know what happened to you, Draco…You don't have to insult me to make yourself better. I had hoped we were past that now…I miss the man I fell in love with. If he ever comes back…well…you know where I'll be, I guess." Harry mumbled, defeat in every line of is body as he walked back to the floo. Draco knew the stance because it was the same one he would have held had he not been so steadfast in hiding every bit of emotion he felt. Harry still hadn't denied his words. This was it then. "Good night-"
"Good bye, Harry." Draco interrupted him firmly, turning around and walking from the room, not able to see the look on Harry's face as he left for what Draco was sure would be the last time. At least they hadn't come to blows although Draco almost wished Harry had punched him. He was sure it would have hurt less than the look in his eyes.
"So that's it…? You're just going to let him walk away like that?" The look on Pansy's face would have been hilarious if Draco had felt at all like laughing. As it was he was struggling not to break down. Again.
"There's nothing left of us, Pans. Nothing left to salvage, I made damn sure of that the last time I saw him."
"Draco, he's Harry Potter. He's a Gryffindor. Just go back to him and apologize and he'll take you back in a second. You need him, Draco. I can see it, even your mother's admitted something is different since you two broke up. Not to mention the pining you did in the year and a half it took for him to actually agree to go out with you. And the seven years prior that you made everyone's life a living hell because he wasn't your friend."
"Pansy, I can't. We're too different. I was fooling myself thinking anything different. Just drop it." Draco looked away, taking another sip of is fire whiskey. He had known that Pansy wouldn't understand, she was too much of a romantic, but she was the best friend he had, and he seriously needed a friend right now. If only for the distraction from the haunting green eyes he saw every time he tried to sleep, or eat, or breathe. "I'm going back to the Manor, Pansy. I've got to make the final arrangements for the wedding, and Astoria will be there soon. My mother would kill me if I was late."
Pansy stood as he did, catching his elbow with a strange expression on her face. "Draco…are you sure you want to do this? If you marry Astoria…it really is over between you and Potter."
"It's been over between me and Potter for months now, Pansy. I was just too blinded by what I wanted to see that," he whispered, pulling his arm from her grasp and Apparating back to his home.
It had never felt less like home in his entire life.
Draco managed a smile as he looked down the aisle at Astoria - she was beautiful, in a purely feminine way he would never be able to truly appreciate - and she would make a fine Malfoy. He was quite proud of the fact he had stopped comparing her eyes to Harry's, that he wasn't constantly comparing the two of them every second he was with her. With time he was sure he could move past the last four years of his life. The Malfoys had never been the kind to roll over and play dead - his late father notwithstanding. He was determined that with this marriage, and the rest of his life, he would bring back his family's name to the height of its glory.
He would not let his father's mistakes define him. Nor his previous choice in lovers. He brought himself back to the present, smiling and meeting Astoria's eyes as she reached the alter and the ceremony began. He even managed to barely care when he saw a rustle of leaves outside one of the windows of the church. It had just been the wind. And that tuft of raven black hair had just been a stray cat.
Yes - he was sure he could get over this and live his life as if Harry Potter had never been anything more than a childhood rival.
Draco swallowed hard, checking to be sure his features were schooled into a tight mask of indifference as he walked with his wife and son to Platform 9 ¾. He was sure he would see Harry Potter and his brood of Weasley children there and he couldn't afford to let his mask slip. He couldn't even allow Ginerva that smallest of victories, not after the battle she had won so long ago.
He patted his son on the shoulder again as he looked down on the small boy, a mirror image of the boy he'd been at eleven, right down to the slicked hair and smug expression. He hoped he had been able to instil more sense and patience in his son than his father had in him, even as he felt a swell of pride for his only son. If anything good had come from his marriage to Astoria, it had been the boy that was standing at his side. He had raised Scorpius with all the love and attention he had lacked growing up, throwing everything he had left into parenting his son the best he could. No one could deny that the small boy was the pride and joy of the Malfoy household, and that he was being brought up with not only a traditional background but also the merest hint of, if not tolerance, then an understanding for those whose blood was not as pure as his. This was not to say that he didn't value his bloodlines as he should but, perhaps, it wasn't the only thing that mattered.
Broken from his reverie by an all too familiar voice, Draco looked up to see none other than Harry Potter staring back at him, his eyes still as green as they had always been, still just as captivating even after years of not seeing them. A small tremor ran through Draco's body as he held the gaze that had once been the most important thing in his world and, if he was honest, still was. He still loved Harry in the depths of his heart, he always would. But he was strong enough now that he was able to nod politely to his ex-lover, breaking the contact before Harry could see the pain in his eyes as he turned back to his wife. Before he could see the answering pain flicker through Harry's own eyes. Contrary to everything he felt when he thought of the four years prior to his marriage, he and Harry Potter were not meant to be.
Sometimes life wasn't about what was best for you, but what you could survive without. As hard as it was - as often as he still thought about the years he had spent with the man - Draco Malfoy could survive without Harry Potter.
Singing myself to sleep
And you're still my favourite melody
It's been three weeks
How long can this go on?
Singing myself to sleep
You're haunting every memory
Get out, Goodbye; Get out of my life, Goodnight.