she broke the silence.
You can't trust anyone anymore, not after what you've found out. The people that you used to look at without a single care in the world, have suddenly become hyperaware of your existence, and you of theirs. You can't walk down the street without seeing bits and pieces of her. You want to apologize or say something of note to the people's lives you've stumbled across, but you can't. You want to apologize to the love of your life who's just so utterly dead, but you can't.
She completely tilted your world off its axis. Hannah Baker. The girl who killed herself, the girl who was so beautiful, so broken, so Hannah, too Hannah for her own good.
You're her failed knight, and that's a truth that will never change. No matter how many times you envision punching Bryce Walker's teeth out, it will never change the outcome.
The girl you love is dead, and you could've saved her. You had the chance, you almost did it. You were so fucking close.
But you failed her.
You should be grateful she doesn't blame you for what happened. You thought she was so untouchable, too unreachable, and didn't do a damn thing. Nothing. You stood there, loved her from afar. That's it.
You could've done better. Have you been sleeping? Of course not. Your knees still shake when you see one of the thirteen pass you by in the school hallway. When you see Justin Foley, your stomach ties itself into knots. When you see Zach Dempsey, it takes everything in your willpower not to go and absolutely destroy him for killing Hannah.
But then, you remember something. All of you killed Hannah, in a way. Except you, according to her, but you won't have any of that. You know you were part of the atrocity that was her downfall.
You were part of the Baker's Dozen. You were part of a larger picture, a picture you so desperately wanted to watch burn.
You are a filthy disgusting creature.
That's what they want you to believe, though. Their looks accused you of something, something out of their power to judge. They accused you of letting Hannah Baker down, and you didn't take any of that. You stared them down, you did everything to let them know that you had their dirty little secrets tucked into your head, and could, if you so wished, tell everybody.
But you were too kind for that.
"You really need to stop being so nice."
Skye has warned you various times about your fatal flaw. You were too trusting, too kind, too Clay. Boys like you got hurt. Their hearts were easily swayed, manipulated, and crushed.
You weren't different. You were just like everybody else, you're part of the same compost pile as everybody else.
So why did she chose you?
You'll never know now - what a shame.
What a shame.
(Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again.
Within the sound of silence)
Author's note: Hi there! This lovely, short piece is for BabyRuRu, who mentioned in passing that she wanted a 13 Reasons Why fic. So I wrote it. XD This takes place right after Clay sends the tapes and is back at school. I decided to make this a short tale, with Clay's thoughts after listening to the tapes, and attempting to sort out his feelings as a used pawn. I think that Clay is a depressing hero, because I would imagine that after listening to all thirteen tapes, he would still feel guilt, even if he wasn't to blame for Hannah's death.
Anyawys, thanks for reading, thank you so much~ *nods*
Also! I don't own the quote~ It's from the song/poem 'Sounds of Silence', which I thought was fitting for this. XD