Summary: Mexico decides it's time to tell America and Canada about "the birds and the bees" before Britain or France get the chance. America, Canada, OC!Mexico oneshot. A sort of companion to my earlier fic Famille, Family, Familia, but you don't have to read that one to know what's going on in this one.
Disclaimer: I own nothing here, except for my own interpretation of the personification of the country Mexico.
Los Pájaros y las Abejas
"Mexico! Mattie, Mexico came to see us!" a young America called back into the house as he bounded down the steps and bulldozed into his older sister's waiting arms. She held him tight and laughed as he began talking a mile a minute, telling her all about his adventures and little friends he made and the last letter he got from Britain.
"And he wrote 'love, Arthur' at the end! See! Look, look!" America shoved the well-read letter in Mexico's face as Canada shyly made his way down the porch steps and sweetly clung to Mexico's skirts, silently telling her in his own way that he missed her.
"Veo, mijo, que es una bonita carta. Él te ama mucho, ¿no es cierto?" she said to him. I see, little one, that's a nice letter. He loves you very much doesn't he? America's face lit up like the sun. He tugged at her hand.
"Come in, Mexico! Look at the house! Britain made it for me, and France is letting Mattie visit me for a while! Mattie! Tell Mexico what France said!" America waited excitedly for Canada to unbury his face from Mexico's colorfully embroidered skirts and look up with his lovely violet eyes.
"France said…France said that next time he comes over here he's going to tell us about l'amour," Canada whispered, blushing, but his eyes shining with excitement only little boys had. Mexico's heart sped up. Oh good, I'm just in time.
"Only that made Britain mad, cuz he said that he'd be the better one to tell us about the birds and the bees, whatever that means," America added, shrugging nonchalantly and tugging Mexico into the house. He slammed it behind her and pulled her into the kitchen. "Make us some Mexican hot chocolate, Regina! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease!" He stared up at her with big blue puppy dog eyes and Mexico sighed. She couldn't resist her little brothers. Sighing, she unwrapped her rebozo and pulled out a chunk of sweetened chocolate she brought for them. America started up the fire and Canada pulled the bucket of that morning's milk over to the stove to be heated in the pot.
Regina De La Cruz was Mexico's human name, given to her by the ever-pious Spain. He found her mother first, and not long after her mother weakened, Mexico was born. Spain found her suckling at Azteca's breast and with one last long battle, took Mexico for himself, and Azteca faded away. When Mexico was old enough, she asked him if he was her father.
"No, princesa. Yo no soy tu padre. Yo soy tu hermano mayor, tu amigo, tu protector. Yo siempre te amo mucho, pero yo no soy tu padre. Las naciones no tienen padres," he told her. No, princess, I am not your father. I am your older brother, your friend, your protector. I'll always love you dearly, but I am not your father. Nations do not have parents. She nodded and laid her head on his knee, listening to the stories he told her of his little tomatito, Italy Romano, and she wished he loved her as much as he loved the South Italy he had left back in Europe.
One day though, she stumbled upon two little boys, almost completely identical, holding hands as they scampered about the country side. They looked no older than two years old, and she looked no older than seven. She learnt that they were new countries too, and they were the only three on this continent. They became inseparable until Spain returned and took Mexico away, America chose Britain, and France settled for Canada.
Now the twins looked no older than ten, and she no more than fifteen. America and Canada looked up to their big sister in more ways than one and loved her as dearly as they loved each other and she loved them. But she had decided that the time had come where they began to know the ways of the world, and more specifically, the ways of adulthood.
As they sat in a grassy field playing a game America had invented where he hit a rock with a stick and ran around in a circle only to stop where he began and yell "I win!", Mexico decided now would be a better time than any to tell them what Spain told her last time he came to North America.
"Alfred, Matthew, come here, mijos, I have something I need to tell you about," she said, patting the ground next to her. America plopped down in front of her on his stomach, staring at her with undivided attention, his chin resting on her knees. Canada snuggled into her side and a boyish hand held onto her sash. "I need to tell you about los pájaros y las abejas," she continued. Both boys stared at her in confusion. "The birds and the bees."
"Oh!" America scoffed and laughed. "You don't have to tell us about that, Regina. Britain told me and Mattie all about that!" Mexico froze.
"What did he tell you, hermanitos?" she asked cautiously. Canada spoke up.
"Birds have feathers and beaks and fly with wings that have bones in them, and bees have little striped bodies and six legs and wings that don't have bones and they make honey!" he finished proudly. Mexico burst out laughing.
"¡No no, azúcito de arce! Not those birds and bees!" she cried. Canada looked heartbroken. America pouted.
"Then what other birds and bees are there?" he demanded.
"The special kind," Mexico answered mysteriously. The twins' eyes widened.
"Ooooooh," they whispered, enthralled.
"Now what are some differences between you and me because you are both boys and I am a girl," Mexico asked.
"You pee by sitting down!" America announced proudly. Mexico's face reddened as Canada giggled quietly. "And me and Mattie can pee standing up!"
"Your chest is bigger, Mexico. There are two big bumps, and America and me don't have those," Canada added shyly. Mexico's blush darkened.
"D-do you know what those are called?"
"Bumps?" America supplied helpfully. Mexico shook her head.
"No, they're breasts, and they are what women use to feed babies with," she replied. America nodded like he knew all of this.
"So me and Mattie will have some when we get bigger?" he asked. Mexico laughed.
"No, Alfred, only women have them."
America looked dejected. "Oh." Canada tugged at her sash.
"But what about the special kind of birds and bees?" he asked.
"That means I'm telling you how to make babies." Canada blushed.
"Oh." America brightened.
"I wanna make babies with Britain!" he yelled. Mexico snorted with laughter.
"There's a problem, Alfred, only a man and a woman that love each other very much and are married can make a baby," she told him. He looked very disappointed.
"Can Britain and me make a baby if we get married?" he asked hopefully. Mexico shook her head.
"No, mijo, because you are both boys."
Canada tugged at her sash again. "But how do the married man and woman make the baby, Regina?"
Mexico took a deep breath. "Well, after they are married, they pray to God very hard to bless them with a baby. Then the man gives the woman a gift."
"What kind of gift?" the twins asked simultaneously.
"A very special one."
"Does he wrap it up in a bow like France does?" Canada asked hopefully.
Mexico shook her head. "I don't think so. You know when you need to answer the call of nature—"
"You mean pee?" America interrupted. Mexico blushed again.
"Yes, that. You take out your manhood and do that standing up? Well, girls don't have that."
America and Canada looked absolutely horrified. "Then how do they pee?" America asked, flabbergasted.
"By sitting. They also have a special tunnel down there too."
"Where's the special tunnel?"
"Next to where the girl answers the call of nature."
"How do you know?"
"Because she's a girl, America."
"Anyway," Mexico interrupted. "When the man wants to give his wife the present, he puts his manhood in her special tunnel." Her face flushed darker.
America raised an eyebrow and looked remarkably like Britain when he did that. "Why?" he asked skeptically.
"To give her the present of magic tadpoles."
"Why does his wife want magic tadpoles?" Canada asked.
"Because inside the special tunnel is an egg. And the tadpoles swim around looking for the egg—"
"Wait, wait!" America cried. "You didn't say there was water in the special tunnel!"
Mexico sighed. This was going to be a long afternoon.
. * . * . * .
A few months later there was a nations meeting in Vienna, an emergency meeting called by Britain for all of developed Europe. He stood at the head of the table, glaring at the other countries around it. France sat opposite him, looking just as pissed off as Britain. After a long uncomfortable silence, Britain spoke.
"Which one of you astonishingly stupid countries decided it was a good idea to tell North America about SEX?" he yelled, banging a fist on the table, splintering the wood. His glare fell on France who examined his fingernails angrily.
"I know what you are thinking, mon Angleterre, but I assure you it was not I. I intended to tell mon petite Matthieu about it the next time I visited him," France replied coldly. Britain snorted angrily and scanned the table, looking for a guilty face. His eyes fell on Spain who looked as if he was trying to sink into the floor.
"SPAIN!" Britain screamed. Spain jumped violently in his seat and tried to smile brightly, but only succeeded in looking like he was going to be sick.
"Sí, Bretaña?" he asked, trying for an innocent tone of voice. If looks could kill, then Spain's corpse would be up in flames the way Britain was glaring at him.
"Did your empty head think for some unfathomable reason that it would be a good idea to tell the New World about adult affairs?" Britain spat out. Spain's face drained of color.
"I only told México about it, I swear, Inglaterra!" Spain blurted before he could stop himself. "I only told her what Prussia told Germany!" Britain's eyes fell on Prussia who was grinning as if his head would split in half, his younger brother Germany looking distinctly uncomfortable beside him.
"Keseseseses, it was time for him to know how to fu—"
"But not in such graphic detail, bruder!" twelve-year-old-looking Germany protested. Britain's eyes fastened on France's and understanding dawned on them at the same time.
"Amérique et le Canada were told the ways of l'amour—" France began slowly.
"By MEXICO!" Britain yelled, throwing his hands in the air in frustration. "No wonder America asked if he could see my special tunnel and give me some magic tadpoles!" France's lips quirked up.
"I have known you since you were born, Angleterre, believe me, your special tunnel isn't as special as you think it is. Especially when I had to wipe it when Scotland stole your couches."
"WHAT WAS THAT, WANKER?"
The meeting ended with its usual melee as Britain repeatedly smashed France's head into Austria's expensive mahogany table while choking Spain, and Prussia punched Austria in his head for good measure.
I had this idea on the metro today and it was just too damn funny to resist.
Please read and review! I'd like to know if this was even remotely funny.
Rebozo- a Mexican sash that was/is used for many purposes, like carrying a baby, shielding one's face from the sun, etc.
Tomatito- little tomato (Spanish)
Mijos- a term of endearment like "sweethearts" or "honey". Combination of mi and hijos which literally translates to my sons. Eventually the words were just run together and instead of meaning one's offspring, it could be a term of endearment for any child. (Spanish)
Los pájaros y las abejas- the birds and the bees (Spanish).
Hermanitos- little brothers (Spanish)
Azúcito de arce- little maple sugar (Spanish)
Mon Angleterre- my England (French)
Mon petite Matthieu- My little Matthew (French)
Sí- yes (Spanish)
Bretaña- Britain (Spanish)
México- Mexico (Spanish)
Inglaterra- England (Spanish)
Bruder- brother (German)
Amérique et le Canada- America and Canada (French)
L'amour- love (French)
Couches- diapers (French)
The game America made up in the beginning is a crude, earlier version of baseball. I love that sport.
Mexico is my OC, and her human name I gave her is Regina De La Cruz. Pronounced "reh-HEE-nah". Her name literally means "Queen of the Cross."
I hope you enjoyed it! Please leave me a review and tell me what you think!
~La Principessa Dell'Opera (translation: Princess of the Opera, Italian)