I read a Fanfiction here a while ago involving Band and basicaly what goes on in it. I decided to type up my own version of this, but with ASOUE, so all of the fans out there can nod their heads and go "That's about it, too!" I know that's about how I - and I'm sure numerous Band Geeks like me - responded to Aryana the Musical Genius's story! Thanks for the inspiration, Aryanna, and I'm sorry if I spelt your name wrong.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own ASOUE, or Aryanna's original story. I also own none of the product referances in this fanfic.
Question: What is it like to be an ASOUE fan?
It's thinking that, before you became a fan, you'll never read these books in a million years.
It's reading TBB and being totally wrong about this.
It's about going on a Snicket rampage for weeks after this moment, trying to read all of the books at once.
It's all about B&N, baby!
It's about debating with the newer readers.
It's about arguing that "Just because Olaf nearly married Violet in TBB, the book shouldn't get banned."
It's about arguing that "Just because Olaf uses some mild, brief swaring in TRR, the book shouldn't get banned."
It's about arguing that "Just because Klaus happens to bear a resmblance to a certain orphaned, 11-year-old wizard, it doesn't man that TMM is a Harry Potter rip-off."
It's about Violet.
It's about Klaus.
It's about Sunny.
It's about Olaf.
It's about pretty much all of the charicters.
It's about wanting every piece of ASOUE mechandise you can get/afford to get.
It's about acting like a nut when you get some of said merchandise as a gift.
It's about getting The Perilous Parlor Game for Christmas and running through the house with it, screaming like a lunatic.
It's about goofing around with the little pieces.
It's about acting out scenes from the books with said pieces.
It's about Olaf getting smooshed.
It's about Klaus getting smooshed.
It's about Violet fetting smooshed.
It's about all three of these pieces eventually needing to be hotglued back together.
It's about your best friend claiming that you've murdered the Baudelaires.
It's about really liking Olaf even though you should hate him.
It's about "Hello, hello, hello..."
It's about "A word which here means..."
It's about "Quigley, I need you to take off your pants." "My pants?"
It's about creating a little ceramic candy dish with Olaf's eye tattoo in it.
It's about calling the afore mentioned candy dish your "eye candy" dish.
It's about this same candy dish getting broken in your display for TBB.
It's about also creating a ceramic replica of the sugarbowl.
It's about accidentally breaking the lid to said sugarbowl.
It's about your friend saying "You broke the sugarbowl! What will Lemony say?"
It's about going "Oh, man, he's gonna be majorly PO'ed if he finds out."
It's about gluing the lid back together, then using the sugarbowl replica to hold peppermints because your "eye candy" dish broke.
It's about using the space above your bookshelf for a place to show off your ASOUE books in colorful and boastful displays.
It's about going to Dollar General to buy cheap plastic junk to use for the display.
It's about cutting a plastic shark's fins off and painting it with blue nailpolish so it'll look like a leech for Book the Third.
It's about trying to hypnotize your friends, just because of TMM.
It's about it actually working.
It's about you and everyone else getting severely creeped out by this...
It's about always waiting an hour after you eat before you stick even ONE TOE halfway into ANY body of water.
It's about calling this rule "Josephine's Law"
It's about... grammar.
It's about being obsessed with grammar.
It's NOT about the color pink.
It's about having an obsession/fear of fire.
It's about having and obsession/fear of eyes.
It's about drawing eyes all over your test papers, homework, etc.
It's about drawing eyes on your ankle in marker. PERMANANT marker.
It's about contemplating weather or not to get an actual eye tattoo when you get older.
It's about VFD.
It's about "Those poor unfortunate Baudelaires..."
It's about peppermints.
It's about becoming addicted to peppermints.
It's about begging your parent/legal guardian to at least ATTEMPT making Puttanesca.
It's about attempting to do it yourself when they won't and slicing the crap out of your finger.
It's about using Sebald Code.
It's about having to say "Ring" again after saying it once in a conversation with another ASOUE fan. (Ring)
It's about trying to get your parent/legal guardian to read the books.
It's about getting mad when she won't.
It's about consistantly chiding her about this.
It's about her finally breaking down and agreeing to, after she's done with Harry Potter 6.
It's about using "Cakesniffer" as an actual insult.
It's about getting some unusual responses to that comment...
It's about knowing large words that few people DO know.
It's about associating everything in your life with book events.
It's about wishing that Lemony would come to your hometown for a booksigning.
It's about having your name be one of Esme's middle names, and the other middle name being your nickname.
It's about ALMOST being named Josephine.
It's about yelling in an "Olafian" voice when you get angry.
It's about being nickenamed for a charicter in the series.
It's about Nee being in love with Count Olaf. (Kidding...)
It's about absolutely HATING TCC when everyone else loves it.
It's about actually LIKING TMM although everyone else hates it.
It's about watching Jim Carrey be a nut in the movie.
It's about Liam Aiken being a total cutie in the movie.
It's about having watched the movie so much that you can quote along with - and even ahead of - the charicters.
It's about the special features, baby!
It's about watching the movie at three in the morning for no good reason.
It's about quoting the charicters from both the movie AND the books for no good reason.
It's about doing a lot of things for no good reason.
It's about doing a Google search JUST to find new ASOUE wallpapers for your computers.
It's about doing the SAME Google search over JUST to find cool ASOUE pictures.
It's about your parent/legal guardian getting confused by the way you changed the name of all of the files and folders on your desktop, although the icons are exactly the same as before.
It's about your heart leaping every time you see SOMETHING that even remotely has to do with ASOUE.
It's about calling yourself an "Official Unofficial Baudelaire Orphan" or OUBO for short.
It's about playing ASOUE for X-box and winning for the UMPTEENTH time in a month.
It's about yelling at the henchmen and crabs for attacking you.
It's about yelling at Olaf every time he appears in the game.
It's about telling Game Lemony to shut up.
It's about telling Game Stephano to shut up.
It's about flying pasta, meatballs, rotten fruit, peppermints, fish, and watermelons.
It's about the gross Game Lizards puking on Sunny.
It's about yelling at the toads as you attack them.
It's about providing the voices for the Baudelaires at random intervals, just to entertain yourself when they DON'T speak.
It's about nearly crapping your pants when you see the intended ingrediants for Puttanesca all laid out on the kitchen countertop.
It's about wondering if you really DO have a fortune...
It's about wondering if your family ties in with VFD somehow.
It's about wondering if you have a secret tunnel underneath your house.
It's about wondering if you have an evil uncle who is trying to steal your inheritance.
It's about seeing Olaf at your band concert and wanting to scream, but not being able to because you're on stage in front of a large audience, and it'd look REALLY bizzare if the second second-row Oboist suddenly started screaming whilst the director was talking.
It's about the audiobooks.
It's about knowing the lyrics to every audiobook song to some degree.
It's about singing the audiobook songs at random intervals.
It's about trying to figure out how to play the cooler audiobook songs on your Oboe.
It's about being able to do it to some degree.
It's about the shippers.
It's about arguing if Quigley or Duncan would be better suited for Violet.
It's about SOME people adding Olaf into this mix. (Sickoes.)
It's about hanging out with all the cool peeps on 667 Dark Avenue.
It's about Dante being the most competant male Moderator.
It's about Gigi being the most competant female Moderator.
It's about having the little lable underneath your username be "Xenial Xylophone."
It's about arguing with the noobs.
It's about actually knowing what to do "If you see Count Olaf."
It's about doing this when a tall man with a goatee comes up to you.
It's about going to Olive Garden and wondering if orphans are preparing the food... and later wondering if they serve Puttanesca.
It's about speculations that make no sense.
It's about reptiles, leeches, crabs, crows, lions, salmon, and eagles.
It's about fanfics.
It's about fanflicks.
It's about fanart.
It's about other random, fan-made stuff.
It's about making these in your spare time.
It's about making most of your art projects have something to do with ASOUE.
It's about your room being an ASOUE treasure trove.
It's about all the nifty ASOUE things that you find online.
It's about taking part in online contests.
It's about driving yourself nuts all day and night by not being able to use anything electric.
It's about being so excited for the premier night of the new book that you can't sleep.
It's about your BF getting tickets forfront row seats at a Friday the 13th Snicket appearance at the Civic Theater and squealing.
It's about dreesing up as Violet, and your friend dressing up as Esme.
It's about going there, being jam-packed inside of it, and feeling like a sardine.
It's about waiting for half an hour and hoping that you'll catch a glimpse of the legendary Lemony Snicket.
It's about finally, the announcer comes on stage!
It's about groaning with disbelief when he says stuff that you slready know about ASOUE.
It's about booing him offstage.
It's about Lemony strolling down that center aisle and proclaiming that "Mr. Snicket isn't here."
It's about all of the fans knowing the truth about this.
It's about raising your hand, only to be chided by Snicket about raising your hand.
It's about Snicket's "Lemony got attacked by an alligator whilst on a picnic" story.
It's about laughing, having Snicket say "IT'S NOT FUNNY!", and laughing again.
It's about Snicket demonstrating why it's not funny by attacking you with an alligator puppet.
It's about making fish faces instead of raising your hand.
It's about "I am not a professional ballerina; I am self-taught."
It's about Enhanced Audience Participation. (EAP)
It's about getting picked to go on stage and practically squeezing the life out of your best friend.
It's about sighing and weeping on cue.
It's about doing your best interpretation of a drunken giggle.
It's about doing your best Sunny interpretation.
It's about someone asking how many books Snicket has written, and Snicket himself rattling them off with an increasingly miserable tone.
It's about Snicket attempting to sing "Scream and Run Away" A Cappella.
It's about him figuring that this sounds no good, and then having him play a minor scale on a conviniently-placed piano, only to find that this does not sound good, either.
It's about Snicket asking what instrument WOULD sound good with "Scream and Run Away", and half of the audience yelling " ACCORDION!"
It's about Snicket now searching underneath people's seats for an accordion.
It's about him finding one under your best friend's seat and laughing.
It's about Snicket being skeptical that it's a real accordion, then forgetting how to turn it on, then remembering again.
It's about him playing the first two chords, over and over, and saying "This is a technique called vamping; it's used to drive people crazy."
It's about when is he actually going to SING, goddangit?
It's about everyone who knows the lyrics, including yourself, sing along with Snicket.
It's about "Troupe."
It's about Snicket stopping breifly, then saying, "No, it's 'Schmoupe'," and having the entire audience crack up.
It's about 'running' and 'dying' on cue.
It's about Snicket confusing the audience.
It's about having the lights dim during the song, evil laughter ring throughout the entire auditorium, and Count Olaf appear on stage from stage left.
It's about Olaf coming up to the nearest person that is dressed as Violet - YOU - and grabbing them by the wrist, then attempting to drag you out of your seat. He wins.
It's about you putting on a big scene (because you know this is all an act) and yelling things like "Help! save me!"
It's about Snicket dropping the accordion (but not literally) and running out to wrestle with Olaf over you.
It's about Snicket being sent on a wild goose chase throughout the audience, Olaf carrying you over his shoulder the entire time.
It's about everyone watching this with looks of humor, shock, or just general "Well, I wasn't expecting THAT"- ness.
It's about you thinking this never happened in the reports I read on Snicket events...
It's about Olaf running up to the second-floor balcony, restraining you against the top of the wall of the balcony, and threatening Snicket that he'll push you off head first.
It's about Snicket tackling Olaf, knocking him out, and escorting you back to your seat, and calling you 'Violet' for the rest of the speech that follows, which turns out to be a lengthy apology to you for having Olaf attack you, the audiance for being forced to attend this 'dreadful program', and to "those who have been especially unfortunate this evening and were called upon to come up on stage."
It's about wasabi.
It's about the 'Time Machine Dance'.
It's about The Littlest Elf. (TLE)
It's about humming the theme song to TLE at any random moment.
It's about "Going Count Olaf on someone."
It's about "Are you who I think you are?"
It's about "The World is Quiet Here."
It's about "If nothing is out there, then what was that noise?"
It's about "Have you been good to your mother?"
It's about "I didn't realize that this was a sad occasion."
It's about saying the above VFD phrases to random people at the appropriate moments.
It's about Sunny-ese.
It's about using codes and deciphering clues.
It's about dreading and loving the release date for book 13 at the same time, because it may bring the book that we've been waiting for for FOREVER, it seems like, but it also brings about the end of our beloved series.
It's about so much stuff, but it's different for each and every fan, ya know?