A/N- Alright, warning time! If you don't read this, it's all your fault, for the record.

There will be:

Heavily implied drug use. (Basically, there are drugs involved, I just don't come out and say it. :P )

Sort of mild, sort of heavy shounen-ai. (Nothing too in detail, I assure you, but it's more than just a peck on the cheek.)


Dark themes, obviously

And I think that's it, to be honest.

Pairings: Sort of implied past USUK, implied and mild USCan, or CanUs, whatever, order never really matters to me but I know you're supposed to have it a certain way, so... Yeah. (Usually, I'm not big on USCan, but the way that I saw this working didn't work without some romantic themes, but there was no other character that could play Matt's role in this unless I made it USUK, but I needed the angry "I HATE YOU" "NO, I HATE YOU MORE!" relationship between Al and Artie for this to work, and I literally went through EVERY CHARACTER I COULD THINK OF, but Matt was the only one that worked. So... Yeah. OTL There's my rant for the day. This actually really frustrated me, I'd like to point out, because GAH I wanted a pairing I really approve of, but this wasn't it, but oh well I'm proud of this story so TAKE THAT! :P )

Disclaimer: I own nothing, sadly enough. Sorry 'bout that if you were hoping I did.

I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! It's not a style or genre I'm used to writing (RP-ing this genre is much easier than writing it, I must admit!) so I hope it's not too horrible. OTL

MAJOR MAJOR MAAAAJOR THANKS to Ciddles for helping me figure out the beginning of this months ago~ :D

Heart pounding, body sweating, hands shaking, shoulders shuddering, frame vibrating... It was the closest to heaven he could ever reach.

A smile stretched across his face, and he licked his lips, running a hand through his hair and giggling, shoving the small tray and straw away from him, shoving it straight to the ground.

He couldn't speak, but that was okay, he didn't need to. No one was around to hear, no one was around for him to talk to, so what reason was there to speak? His eyes darted around the room, trying to take in every pristine image he captured.


Happiness was truly the only word that could explain his experience. He was so happy, so delighted with the world, the perfect world around him-

His breathing increased, and he giggled once more, bending over at the waist as he felt the room spin. A small drip of red fell, soaking into the carpet almost immediately, but he couldn't care, because he was just SO happy, so SO happy-

With a gasp, he spun around to the door, feeling his smile widen. A noise had caught his attention, did it mean something-?

He was drawn inexplicably to the window, entranced by the raindrops that trailed down the glass, making paths and falling lower, lower, low-

Dilated pupils met normal ones, and his smile looked as if it would crack his face in half-

"Alfred? Al-"

"-fred? Alfred! Pay attention, you bloody idiot!" A hand met the back of his head, and Alfred winced, rubbing at it as his eyes shifted from the ground to the face of his attacker, only for them to dart away.

"Ouch, man! That's not cool, not cool at all!" Alfred pouted, biting down on his lip roughly. "Pay attention to what now? What?"

"The presentation!" The green-eyed man gesticulated wildly at the nation spitting out information like a boring professor, glaring. "Germany has worked very hard on it-"

"Yeah yeah, whatever, whatever! I got it covered, I'm watching!" Alfred rubbed at his nose, wincing ever so slightly and glaring back at the British man. "Man, Artie, chillax, I got it, I got it!"

Arthur opened his mouth angrily, ready to retort, only to be cut off by a sharp inquiry from the man in charge of the meeting.

"America! England!" Ludwig barked, eyes narrowed. "Is there a problem?"

Alfred grinned, standing up and rubbing a hand over his face. "No, not at all, no problemo, relax, man, relax! Everything's cool, everything's fantasticful! I'm just great, I can't speak for Artie over there, but I'm doing absolutely FABULOUS!" The last word was barely recognizable as his lips stumbled over themselves, trying to get all of his thoughts out at once.

"What is wrong with you?" Arthur stared at him incredulously. "Did you drink one of those horrid 'Red Cows' or whatever they hell they are called?"

Alfred rolled his eyes, bouncing on his feet. "Shut up, Art, shut up! They're Red Bulls, and no, I haven't had any today, not even a sip! But those are GOOD stuff, I should go get one, or maybe five! Or maybe-"


"WHAT?" Alfred grinned, crossing his eyes briefly before laughing hysterically, covering his face with both hands. He dissolved into complete hysterics, almost unable to answer. "Sorry, sorry, I'm totally sorry, but your FACE, man, it was just fucking HILARIOUS!" He roared with laughter, bending over at the waist and holding his gut. "You're killing me, totally killing me!"

Ludwig and Arthur exchanged a bewildered glance as Alfred continued to laugh.

And laugh.

And laugh.

Finally, after what seemed like hours of nonstop, disturbing laughter, he was gasping for breath. His knees had weakened to a point where he had to sit down quickly or otherwise tumble to the floor gracelessly. After he was sure he had no need to worry about collapsing, his laughter morphed into quiet chuckles. It was like he was finding humor in some secret, inside joke that no one else could laugh at unless they "had been there."

Arthur and Ludwig stood there, watching the young nation with trepidation. Questions zoomed through their minds, and had Alfred been in the right mind, he would have noticed and wondered what had them so nervous, so anxious.

"What the-?"

"Fuck!" Alfred swore loudly, looking over his shoulder for the third time since they entered the empty conference room. "Are you sure you didn't hear anything? Totally sure? I'm freaking out, Kiku, freaking out! Someone's following me! You believe me, don't you? There's something freaky going on, something real freaky!" His eyes darted around, and a tongue peeked out to wet lips that had suddenly become dry.

Kiku peered over at the larger nation, nodding sharply. "Yes, America-san. I am positive I heard nothing. Are you certain it is not your imagination?"

"Man, I'm absolutely sure!" He shivered, rubbing his nose and glancing around. Kiku's eyes slipped back down to his book, passing Alfred's behavior off without much worry. Alfred was strong, he was simply stressed. It was the polite, simple, and easy way to pass off his odd behavior, and Kiku had no reason to look further into the bizarre man's unusually bizarre behavior. "It's creepy, man! Really creepy! I'm being watched or something, I swear to God! Come on, Kiku! You have to believe me, I'm not kidding!"

"America-san, perhaps you need to take a vacation," Kiku suggested calmly, eyes scanning the pages and brain absorbing information as fast as he read it."You have been acting rather strangely as of late. You sound as if you need a slight break."

Alfred scowled, shoving himself out of his seat. "Dude, I don't need a break! I'm working like a champ and getting things done! And what do you mean that I've been acting strange? I'm acting completely normal, dude, completely normal! How am I acting strange, huh? What are you smoking to think that? I'm the same as I've always been! You're crazy, Japan, crazy!" He slammed the seat out of his way as he stormed out of the room, rubbing at his nose harsher than before. "You're crazy, not me... Never me, I'm not crazy, no, not at all... Fuck, fuck..."

Kiku watched Alfred's departure impassively, humming underneath his breath. "Such a strange man... I have yet to figure out if all Americans are the same."

"Ve~? Japan, who are you talking to?" Kiku jumped as the Italian draped himself over him, tilting his big, empty head to the side. "Are you feeling okay? Germany says it's bad when you talk to yourself~ Maybe you need some of my medication! I can go get some right now, if you want it!"

"E-er, no, Italy-kun, I am fine, thank you." Kiku pried Feliciano's arms off of him, wincing. "And please, remember the discussion we had about 'personal space' with Germany-san."


He sighed, shaking his head as Feliciano smiled, blissfully ignorant.

"You really are something, Italy-kun."

Feliciano's head tilted to the side as he seemed to ponder something only his mind could come up with. "I was supposed to tell you something, it was a message from Germany! Lemme think for a minute..." His eyebrows furrowed in thought and he tapped his foot a few times. His face told of his struggle to continue thinking deeply, but it all paid off as he snapped his fingers, grinning. "Ah, that's right! Ve, Japan~ Germany told me to tell you to tell him if you see America around! He said that America's acting different from usual. I think Germany's worried about him!"

"Is that so?" Kiku's eyes drifted to the doorway Alfred had recently escaped through. "I'm sure America-san is just fine." He dismissed Feliciano's words instantly, shaking his head. "Now, shall we-?"

"Dance? Al, I don't dance."

He giggled, grabbing the intruder's hands and forcing them around his waist, almost tripping over himself.

"Dance, dance! Come on, come on! It'll be so much fun, I promise! We have to dance, we have to, we just have to!" He stumbled around, giggling and throwing his head back as he forced them to move around the messy room. White powder was scattered out all around the two, and Alfred could only laugh hysterically, trembling constantly. His hands shook, and when a cold hand was pressed against his forehead he jumped, startled.

"You're so warm, Al... That's not good..."

"Dance, please, come on, please!" Alfred begged, pawing with shaky hands at the other's chest, unable to sulk like he wanted to with the haze of happiness blurring his view. "Please pleeeease!"

A small sigh preceded a nod of his head, causing Alfred to instantly shriek in delight.

"You're the best, the absolute best, the very, total, absolute best!"

"Al..." His lips quirked into a smile as he cupped Alfred's chin, shaking his head. "You never cease to astound me. To think, this is what has been causing your strange behavior..."

Alfred's eyes widened comically as he laughed once more, a rather disturbing image. "I wasn't supposed to tell you though, nope! Especially not you, anyone BUT you, but especially not you! But I didn't really tell you, I SHOWED you, so does that make a difference, does it? I think it does, I think it does!"

He reached up and wiped Alfred's nose with the back of his hand, a streak of red staining his pale skin. "You really are something, aren't you?"

"What? What do you mean?"

He laughed quietly, brushing some sweat slicked hair out of Alfred's face with his unused hand. Gently, he leaned forward and kissed Alfred's forehead, humming. "It's not important. Now weren't you just asking me for a dance?"

"A dance? A dance? That sounds awesome, a dance! Did I mention that? I can't remember!" Alfred threw his head back, and all he could do was continue laughing, just like he seemed to always be laughing.


"-Are only causing problems!" A fist slammed against the table, and Alfred turned away, shaking his head in denial. "You are acting as if all of this is a joke! As if the rest of the world won't be affected at all if you fuck up!"

"Why are you even talking to me?" Alfred snarled, spinning around to face the older nation. "I thought you were done with me! You're just pissing me off now, get out of my face!"

"You can't even respond, can you?" Arthur barked out a laugh, pointing at finger at Alfred's face. "America, the oh-so-powerful superpower, the hero, is unable to admit that he's falling apart!"

"Shut up, England!" Alfred's fists clenched the chair he was standing behind, staring at the ground.

"You can't do it!" His laughter increased as he leaned against the wall, covering his face. "You can't even lie to me! You're losing control of your country and everything to do with it, and you know it!"

Alfred's grip tightened as he locked his gaze on the ground, refusing to look at the mocking face. "Say one more thing. One more thing and I swear, I fucking swear that you will regret it."

Arthur smirked, holding his head high arrogantly. "You can't do anything. You're crumbling, and soon you'll be nothing more than a few miles of chaotic land. Anarchy everywhere, your precious republic crumbled around you-"

The large nation moved so quickly, Arthur almost missed it. Alfred snatched his collar, slamming him against the wall he had previously been leaning against. He pulled his fist back, it being perfectly poised to smash against his face. One more movement, and Arthur's face would be a bleeding mass. One more movement, and Alfred wouldn't have to hear from him again for a long time. It would only take one move, one course of action...

Yet, at the last second, just as he was preparing to swing his fist down he was stopped by an almost identical hand grasping said fist.

"Alfred," A soft voice met their ears as Alfred's arm was tugged away from Arthur's face. "You have to speak with your boss today, remember? You'll be late if you don't hurry."

The same hand curled around Alfred's, pushing it away from Arthur's dumbstruck form. Alfred was tugged backwards, and a separate hand pressed against the small of his back, urging him away.

"But...But Arthur, he was... Matt, you have to understand-!" Alfred's tone was desperate as his eyes snapped over to his brother's. Matthew stared straight ahead, guiding Alfred gently.

"You're going to be late, Alfred."

"Matt, please-!"

"Your boss will be unhappy if you're later than you already are."


"Alfred, please, just-"

"Be quiet!" Alfred's hand shot out to cover his mouth. The man stood still, calm and with a straight posture. "Listen, listen! Can you hear it? Can you hear the music? Can you, can you? It's glorious, isn't it? Wonderful, magnificent, spectacular!" His hand fell away from his face as he broke into giggles, holding his arms up to the ceiling as he spun around in circles.

"I can't hear anything, Alfred." Strong arms wrapped around Alfred's waist, holding him in his spot. The supernation twitched and squirmed in the grip, struggling to break free. "You need to learn to slow down, brother."

"Slow down?" Alfred's giggles increased. "Slow down? Slow down, slow down, he chants! Slow down! Never, I couldn't, Mattie! I'm in the fast track, I have to run, move, sprint, run! I can't go slow, slow isn't an option!"

Matthew's grip tightened around Alfred's waist. His hair shadowed his face, leaving Alfred to absentmindedly ponder what expression he could be wearing. He reached up, his hand grasping for the narrow chin.

"Mattie, Mattie-"

A paler, but otherwise identical hand shot out and grabbed the one reaching for Matthew, intertwining their fingers together. "Alfred, do you... Do you have any idea, how mad you look right now?" His hand was kissed. Over, and over, and over again, it was kissed.

Alfred felt his eyes zero in on those lips' path. Slowly, gradually, they started walking up his arm, up past his shoulder, up, and up, and up, until they stopped at the edge of his ear. He was straining his eyes, trying to watch those soft, gentle, loving lips, but even he had his limits. It didn't stop him from trying. He whined, using those broad shoulders in front of him as to hold onto as he tried to turn his head more. He wanted to observe those lips' path, so badly, he just wanted to watch them, so what was in the way?

"Mattie, I can't see it, I can't! Why can't I see it? I want to see, let me see, please Mattie, please, please?"

He blinked, blue eyes confused when those lips left suddenly.

"You never see. No, of course not. You're just like them. You never, ever see. Never. Is it because you're blind? Or am I invisible? Alfie, can you tell me? Are you blind, or am I invisible? Why can't you see me? Why am I such a nonentity? Such an... Unknown?"

Alfred's giggles resumed, even more intense than before, and he threw his arms around Matthew's neck. Shamelessly, he let his brother support his weight. "Mattie, Mattie! You're silly, Christ, you're silly! I always see you, always, always! Don't you know? I thought it was obvious! Wasn't it? Wasn't it so true and noticeable? I thought it was, I did! And I was always wondering when you'd ask me what I was doing, always, always!"

There was silence. Matthew's form was rigid as Alfred's finger traced circles of varying shapes into his arm, unable to stand still. He bounced on his heels, waiting for a response.

But then, just when Alfred was going to speak up, Matthew's lips continued their stroll, and Alfred's blood ran slightly faster.

"What do you mean?" He asked between kisses, speaking slowly, softly.

"Mattie, you're so silly!" Alfred turned his head and nipped at Matthew's nose, snickering. "Silly, silly~ I watch you-! Wait, no, that sounds creepy~ I... I observe you~ I observe you all the time."

When Matthew's breath hitched in his throat, he couldn't hear because he was too busy savoring the kisses Matthew was still trailing up, and down, and up, and down, his arm, shoulder, neck, shoulder, arm, hand, arm...


Alfred nodded quickly, hair flying everywhere. "Oh yes! Yes, yes, yeah! I observe you, I do! One time, one time, oh, it was wonderful Mattie, it was! One time, I watched you all night! All night, I never once looked away. And it was wonderful, it was beautiful, I loved it, I loved every minute of it!"

His face was flushed and sweat formed rivulets running down his body to the ground. He trembled, shook, twitched with every breath. His heart pounded, faster, and faster, and faster-


"Because, because! Because I wanted to, because I needed to see you, because I wanted to, mostly, but there were other reasons, I'm sure- Oh Mattie, Mattie, please don't stop, your lips are so nice, don't stop, I love your lips, let them keep going-But I just wanted to, you sleep wonderfully, that you do, you do!"

"Then why are you using this... whiteness?" Alfred jumped when two fingers, dusted in light white powder that appeared familiar danced in front of his eyes. "Is it one of those reasons why?"

He didn't process the question well, at least, not at first. It took him a few moments of thinking before he answered, smiling. "Yeah, yeah! It is, I see what you mean, and it is!"


"Because it's wonderful! It's fantastic, it's alluring, it's needed, I need this, Mattie, I do, I need it to get through the day now, because everything's so bad, and it makes me forget! Better than anything I've ever tried, yep!"

"You've tried more than one solution, I'm assuming."

A giggle answered him. "None worked like this one though, nope, I love this one, it makes me happy!"

"And when you don't have it?" Matthew pulled away, ignoring the keening whine from Alfred. "What then? Are you happy then?"

His face fell and he shook his head, pure sorrow falling into every crease of his face. "No, no, I can't be happy without it, it's sad, I don't like it, I want to always be happy, but I can't, not anymore, nope..."

A hand brushed against Alfred's temple lightly. "Are you positive about that, Alfie?"

He nodded solemnly, leaning into the hand that moved to caress his face. "Mm-hm, I'm very positive, incredibly, surely, very, very positive and sure. It's the only thing I have now, I need it, I can't not have it for too long, I might go insane, Mattie, I might, really."

A thumb brushed sweat out of Alfred's eye, before suddenly Matthew was pressing their foreheads together, with one hand still holding his face and the other wrapping around Alfred's waist, and they were abruptly walking rather jerkily, and Matthew had a strange glint in his eyes that Alfred could still read while off in his happy world, so something was happening, something big.

Alfred focused in on his brother, stumbling over his feet. "Mattie, what are we doing? Are you okay? You look weird, you look funny, what are we doing? Are we going to play a game, or what? Mattie? Matt-?"

"Hush, Alfred." Matthew released Alfred's face to pick up some object. Alfred couldn't tell what exactly it was his brother picked up because he was too busy staring at Matthew and wondering if what he was saying was supposed to make any sense. "It's not particularly fair that only you get to be so... 'Happy.'"

"I want you to be happy, very happy! You need to be happy, happy is good!"

"And I want you to be happy too. For me to be happy, you have to be happy." Matthew's lips curled up into a warm, kind smile. "Do you understand me so far, Alfie?"

Alfred nodded quickly, clutching at the front of Matthew's shirt. "Yes, yes, of course I do, I understand!"

"Good, good. Now for you to be happy, you need the white substance, right?"

"Substance? Yes, yes, I love this stuff!"

"We're still on the same page then. Wonderful, Alfred, I'm glad you've been able to follow along this long, just a little longer and then we don't have to talk seriously anymore, I promise." He stepped away from Alfred, eyes running over his entire form. Alfred was not shaking as much as he had been before, although he was rubbing at his nose every few seconds, a face of discomfort appearing each time his hand hit the irritated body part.

And suddenly, Matthew was in motion.

He was scooping the scattered powder off of the tabletop into the palm of his hand. He was moving fast, his movements precise and calculated perfectly as he gathered any other supplies he might even have a slight need for.

Alfred was laughing once more, because while there couldn't possibly be anything so funny in the room, it didn't matter anymore, because Mattie was going to be happy, he was going to be happy with Alfred-!

Alfred's legs finally gave out as he crumbled to the ground, but Matthew fell right next to him, his laughter echoing his, and everything, absolutely everything, was perfect.

Everything was where it should be, in perfect order, with perfect balance, and the utter perfection of the situation made them laugh even more.

There was a crack in the wall, stretching from the bottom to almost the ceiling. Matthew pointed at it, grinning lopsidedly at Alfred. No words needed to be exchanged between them, they knew each other far too well. For awhile, they hadn't been close, and they were confused and didn't understand each other. But now, now that Matthew knew Alfred's obsession, now that Matthew was going to start his own descent to the exact same obsession, they were on the same level once more. It felt wonderful, they were finally family again, and there was no reason to be distressed when they felt so ecstatic and happy.

So they laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

They laughed until finally they could take no more and they drifted away suddenly and blissfully, leaving two sprawled out bodies behind.

Maybe Arthur would find them. Maybe Ludwig, or Feliciano, or Kiku, or any of the other countries would walk in and see them, see the scene they had created.

For the time being, though, they slept peacefully, unaware of what consequences may be ahead of them.