"Frak!" Kara exclaimed "Frak!" She hit the wall in the bathroom. Cringing she pulled her hand back finding it was bleeding. She leaned against the wall for a moment as she let the tears spill down her cheeks. She heard the turn of the wheel on the door and quickly went into the closest stall locking the door. She sat silently as she listened to them relieve themselves. The silence that filled the bathroom around that sound was almost deafening. So focused was she on the silence she jumped when she heard the water from the sink come on.
"I know you're in here Starbuck." Kara tensed up at the sound of Lee's voice. "Look I don't know why you're holding up in the bathroom, but everyone is starting to think you've gone a little crazy." Kara smiled, she couldn't help it. She stood up and opened the door keeping her usual facade up.
"If I recall they thought that in the first place." He grinned at her.
"You'd be correct, but now they really think you've gone off the deep end yelling frak whenever someone passes." Kara merely shrugged she washed her hands. "Something you want to talk about?" She looked at Lee briefly before looking back down at her hands.
"Nope, there's nothing to tell."
"Hmmm…so there's no reason for you hiding out in the bathroom, yelling frak, and hitting the wall." He pointed to her knuckles.
"Guess, I am crazy."
"Uh huh and the bathroom?"
"I wanted to be alone is that a problem?"
"No, no of course not, it's just you picked a hell of a fraking place to try and be alone." Lee indicated the door opening and two other officers entering to use the bathroom.
"Yeah, well poor choice in judgment, what's new about that?" She headed for the door, but he grabbed her arm.
"No, see the Kara I know always has a reason for the things she does that might seem a little crazy to the average person. So tell me what's going on."
"Nothing is fraking going on." She yanked her arm from his hand and disappeared out the door leaving him standing there. She went back to her bed and laid down both hands resting on her abdomen. With a sigh she closed her eyes as her memories flashed back to Caprica. Her left hand traced not only the scar the bullet had left, but also the extra scar. Countless hours she had spent wondering, no agonizing on what he had actually done to her. She couldn't bare to go to the doctor and ask him if anything had changed. But of course now she knew something had changed. Everything about her body felt foreign as it prepared to do nature's work. What was worst how could she even be sure it was what she thought it was? She stared up at the top bunk for a long moment.
"Sharon," She whispered. She got up and walked out quickly looking as if she had a purpose no one stopped her from arriving at her destination quickly. She was grateful to find the doctor wasn't there, he would not be listening in then.
"What are you doing here?" Sharon asked when they had both picked up the phone. Kara stared at Sharon for a longtime as flash backs of Caprica riddled her mind followed by fears and worries. What if Sharon told them they had succeeded than what? She would be in more trouble than it was worth.
"Starbuck?" Sharon asked.
"I…" Kara took a deep breath and ran her tongue over cracked and dry lips. "I just came in to see how you were, I'm really sorry they have you in this thing you know. You've proven to me more than once that you're more like the real Sharon than I care to admit." Sharon gave her a small smile.
"Thank you, I'm glad to know I have a friend in you again."
"Always," Kara whispered. The doctor entered and they both looked his way as they hung up. "I'll be back later." Sharon nodded having read her lips. Kara left out.
"Not now doctor in a rush." She hurried out before he had time to ask her questions. No doubt he was wondering what they had been talking about, but neither of them would ever give him the satisfaction of knowing. Kara thought the doctor was sick in the head for sure, if he weren't so damn smart and useful most of the time, she'd put money on it that more people would notice that he was clearly insane. She looked back to see him talking to himself once again. Kara shook her head. He would not be allowed to go near her child.
Where the hell did that come from? For all she knew it was a toaster inside of her. A toaster? No, the thing would have to be half her as well like Helo and Sharon. How could she raise a child that would be different in some way? Well she always had Helo and Sharon to model her parenting after. Her parenting? Nausea filled her and she quickly ducked into the nearest bathroom vomiting as quietly as possible in case someone walked in. She sat back on her knees breathing. Parenting, what the hell did she know about parenting?
Kara looked down at her fingers cringing inside as she remembered every single break in all the same places. She flexed her fingers as the memory of the pain lingered. How did she know she wouldn't do that to the child inside of her toaster or not. What if she hurt him like that. Him? Now where did that come from? Kara looked down at her abdomen and lifted her shirt everything still appeared the same no changes. She heard someone enter the bathroom. She stood up quickly and flushed the toilet exiting as if fixing her pants before washing her hands. The person took no notice except to salute her and complete their business. Kara hurried out and entered the hangar.
"Captain what are you doing here?" Chief asked.
"Nothing Chief just came to sit in the viper and relax." He nodded. "What are you doing here, the nightshift isn't over this far, should be empty."
"That's why I'm here," He told her. "Beer?" Kara knew that was not a good idea in her state, but it was a toaster right? Did it matter? But since when did she ever refuse a beer? She couldn't have suspicion cast upon her, she couldn't deal with other people, she could barely deal with herself. She accepted the bottle.
"Thanks chief." He nodded.
"So what troubles you?" Chief asked.
"Nothing just looking for some quiet and ironically the noisiest place during the day is the quietest at night when we aren't blowing up those damn toasters." Kara was suddenly feeling a lot of sorrow as if someone had just hurt her feelings. Silently she apologized as she pretended to drink.
"I'll leave you alone, I'm done here, gotta take a leak anyway." He left out. Kara put down the beer and looked at her stomach.
"If there is something in there, do something for me to confirm that." She waited in silence and for a while nothing happened and she began to relax, she had to be losing her mind, she was probably just sick. Kara stood up as she did so she froze in her tracks. There was movement lots of movement. Kara sat back down as she used her hands to try and feel the movement, maybe she was wrong, she had to be wrong. She just had to be. She hurried off back to Sharon, she would kick the Doctor out if she had too, she would. However she had truly underestimated how much time she had spent frozen during the movement. The doctor had gone to bed and so had Sharon, but she awoke when Kara entered. Sharon saw the look on her face and it was one of terror and disbelief. She easily opened the door with the doctor's code.
"Yes?" Sharon asked wondering what was going on.
"How would I know if those toas…Cylons on Caprica impregnated me?" Kara could already feel that hurt feeling rising from the very pits of her stomach.
"That's impossible on the farms at least when we were there. You would still be hooked up to a machine right now if were true." Sharon looked at her. "Do you think you're pregnant?"
"Considering everything I would say it's possible." Kara was pacing now.
"Well you were sleeping with that Anders guy you can calm down."
"All right than tell me this why do I know it's a boy, and when I say toaster I get the feeling that I've just hurt it…him." Sharon watched her.
"Well I'd say your son is like my daughter, half human, half Cylon." Sharon laid back down.
"How can you be so calm about this?" Kara asked her. "I'm not you, I didn't get pregnant on purpose as part of a plan." Sharon looked at her slowly.
"I know you're not me Starbuck, you're different, you have your own destiny and he is part of it."
"Part of my destiny was being raped by a Cylon?" Kara growled at her. She was leaning over Sharon now gripping the bed she was so filled with rage at the idea.
"No, Kara, not rape. Cylons have a theory that we can't procreate without love, something we were missing. I love Helo, I got pregnant. You loved Anders."
"Are you telling me that Anders is a Cylon put there to infiltrate the resistance, and do to me what you did to Helio?"
"No, Anders I'm sure was not a Cylon, but even so he wouldn't be there to destroy them, there are too many healthy men and women in the resistance, why would they kill off their supply of humans that are there, instead of having to wait all the time for someone from the Fleet to be caught?"
"And I like an idiot fell for him," Kara whispered. "Well you know what its time I changed my destiny." Sharon tried to stop her, but she was already gone and the door closed locking itself. Kara headed for the airlock where she planned to blow her brains out. There was no way she was giving birth to a toaster who was already screwing with her emotions.
"Kara?" She shook herself out of her thoughts and looked up at Lee. "What are you thinking about you bumped into me and still didn't notice when you hit the floor."
"Nothing at all."
"Yeah well come on let's get you to bed you look utterly exhausted." Kara just let him steer her to bed, she was exhausted emotionally and now physically as well. She wasn't a fool, she realized Lee had seen the display of emotions that had been on her face. There wasn't anyone around, so she hadn't been attempting to hide them. "Perhaps you'll feel better in my quarters." Kara didn't say anything, there weren't four other pilots in his quarters.
"Yeah." They arrived at his quarters.
"Here let me clean off the bed." She sat on the couch and her eyes came to rest on a pyramid ball. Once again rage filled her.
"What is that doing here?" Kara asked not taking her eyes off of it.
"You let me borrow it this morning remember?" Lee asked her. She shook her head as he recounted him asking her for the ball and she giving it to him. She flashed back to that morning in her mind too. She had been dreaming about Anders, Sharon, Helo, and their pending offspring. A sense of longing had been in that dream.
"I need to lie down," Kara told him. He nodded and helped her strip down and get into bed.
"I'm going to go find some food, up this late gotta eat right?"
"Right," She answered back in a whisper. He patted her leg and left her alone. Kara reached over the side the bed and stared at the gun for a long moment. Gods knew what the hell the thing in her had been programmed to do, she thought about the extra scar, what if they had turned what would have been a otherwise normal kid, if you could say normal she still didn't know for sure Anders was a fraking toaster. Into something with a purpose a mission that could very well destroy her fleet. She felt like someone was trying to reassure her that it wasn't true, but that could all just be a lie. She thought about what had been said about Boomer, who had shot the old man. She hadn't known for a long time right? She had denied being a Cylon to the end. The only way to stop another tragedy was to kill herself after all she was the one breathing life into it right? So if she stopped breathing it stopped breathing. She cocked the gun and was poised to blow her brains out when her exhaustion over came her and she fell asleep.
"Kara no!" Kara felt something being pried from her hands as she awoke to see Lee standing over her looking more than scared.
"What's going on?" Kara asked.
"What do you mean what's going on you were about to blow your fraking brains all over my bed that's what!" Kara blinked several times and saw the gun he was holding and she remembered just what she had been planning. She sat up not saying anything as she rubbed her neck and thought about her dreams. She had been playing pyramid with a little boy, who had a huge smile on his face. There was so much love in his face and he looked so happy just to be with her. Her heart wanted that so bad, but what about her past? How did she know that smile would only live inside her dreams and outside all she would see was fear and tears of a little boy being abused and by her no less? What she feared even more was that she would enjoy it and come to think of it as acceptable behavior for raising a child. Her body shook with the idea of doing to a child, no her child what her mother had done to her. Memories of the door slamming against her hands made her blood run cold, but she was sweating. Pain filled her hands as she rubbed her right in particular furiously.
Lee not knowing what else to do got her pants on at least and carried her to the sickbay. Thankfully the doctor was still there and sedated her. When she awoke, she was calmer than she had been in what felt like months.
"You're awake." Kara blinked several times her eyes focusing on Admiral Adama and Lee.
"Where am I?" Kara croaked.
"Sickbay," Lee answered. He looked weary as if he had been up for hours. He hadn't left her side in the last two days.
"Rest, we'll explain," Adama told her as Lee helped her sit up and get some water.
"Doc says you had a seizure."
"Doc say why?" Kara asked after she finished sipping they were looking at her as if something were wrong.
"Doc says you're pregnant," Adama told her. Kara noticed now his face was very serious as it was when he talked about Cylons. She watched him, but she refused to ask the question out loud. If they thought her child was a cylon, they would put her out the air lock. No, no maybe they would, they would put her with Sharon if she were unlucky.
"Kara why were you trying to kill yourself before you passed out?" Lee asked her.
"I was stressed and panicky," Kara half lied. "My emotions are all screwed up." She had no intention of being poked and prodded like Sharon, and toaster or no, the child inside of her would not either she would rather blow her brains out later on.
"So you knew you were pregnant?" Adama asked.
"I figured it out, I'm not ignorant Sir." Adama grimaced; she wondered if he thought she was mocking him. He must think she was a Cylon. "I'm not a Cylon."
"Where have I heard that before," Adama muttered.
"Have the doctor test me if you wish, but I'm not."
"And the child," Adama asked.
"Dad, Starbuck is not a Cylon I keep telling you that."
"I know you do, but you could very well be another Helo in the end," Adama told him referring to Helo being tricked by Sharon. Lee sighed.
"I'm not him."
"The child?" He asked her. Kara watched him for a long moment knowing she could never admit that Anders was a Cylon, hell she didn't exactly know that for sure. She sure as hell wasn't about to cause unnecessary trouble.
"Samuel T. Anders the pyramid player, he was still alive on Caprica with resistance we had an affair," She admitted.
"Satisfied now?" Lee asked him.
"How do I know you're not lying?" Adama told him.
"Because you know me."
"No, I don't know you. I know Kara Thrace, best pilot on board Galactica you could very well be someone just trying to imitate her." They stared at each other for a long while.
"You can ask Helo and you can ask Sharon, what reason does she have to lie to you?" He turned on his heel and left out.
"I'm sorry, but you know how cautious he is." Kara shook her head.
"I expect nothing less from the old man, I would do the same, if one of my best pilots had a sudden case of pregnitis when she clearly isn't attached to anyone, and spent a long time on cylon occupied Caprica."
"Well if the interrogation is over I can examine you." They looked at the doctor and Lee moved out of her way. "I have to congratulate you Captain, in two months you'll have a healthy baby." Kara realized they had no idea without her or Sharon saying so if it were a cylon or not.
"TWO MONTHS!" Kara yelled. "I'm not even showing I don't believe you!" Kara looked ready to take a swing at Dr. Cottle, but Lee was in her way, although she might settle for him.
"Captain calm down I'm sorry, but the level of exercise you do a day has kept you from blowing up you should be thankful most women are crying their eyes out because they're so fat as they put it." Kara took a deep breath and put her head in her hands before looking back up.
"Doc, I want an abortion."
"Kara…" Lee started but she held up her hand.
"My decision, and I want one." The doctor looked at her.
"I'm sorry Captain, but while you were out the president declared it illegal."
"You have got to be fraking kidding me!" Kara yelled.
"No Captain I'm not, and short of killing yourself there's only one way this baby is coming out." She could tell he was joking, but she was back to seriously considering it. Lee glared at the Doctor as he left having checked her over.
"Kara you won't have to go it alone, I'll be there for you and the baby."
"If you knew you wouldn't."
"Knew what?" Lee asked. He lowered his voice. "Are you really a cylon?" Kara looked at him and shook her head. "So the baby is really a…." Kara didn't say anything as she drank more water.
"I'm starving." Lee looked at her nervously, he had no idea what Kara had been through down on Caprica, clearly something haunted her.
"I'll…I'll get you some food." He got her some food and she ate. She was still eating when Adama returned.
"You have been cleared barely, but the Doc will still test you, and when that baby is born, he will test the baby. If it has any similarities to Sharon's baby, well they will share the same fate, which has not been decided yet. Lee you'll take over CAG."
"Sir I can still do my job."
"No, I will not put you in the cockpit, if you prove to be human, I won't jeopardize your life, or that of a possible future member of the fleet if he or she is normal."
"He," Kara automatically corrected without thinking. So it was clear she had no option but to keep it.
"How do you know so early?" Adama asked suspiciously. Kara scoffed.
"Early according to the great doc over there I only have two months until he's here." She put her fork down almost angry.
"Well than congratulations, on your son," Adama replied. She nodded, but she had a faraway look in her eyes.
"I've decided to help Kara, through this and with him."
"Fine, but I don't recommend either of you getting too attached." He left out.
"Man I'm starting to see Helo's point of view."
"Yes, so am I," Kara told him. "So am I."