This is my attempt at crack. I wrote it a while ago and it finally got beta'd, so I decided to post it. I needed something to cheer me up because 'You never stop learning' is becoming really angst.
Thank you Rimedio for being my Beta.
I don't own Star Trek.
The lights of the transporter fade and where three men are meant to be standing, there are instead three very beautiful women.
"I have boobs, Bones! Look! I have nice bouncy boobs!"
Kirk says this while looking down at his chest, both hands holding said breasts and jumping up and down, watching them jiggle.
The captain, who is so enraptured with his new anatomy, now has golden blond hair cut into a bob, an ample bosom, slim waist and shapely hips. He is now half an inch shorter then he was as a man.
"We all have them you moron! Somehow this stupid transporter messed with our molecules so bad that we are now goddamn girls."
Leonard McCoy now has wavy brown hair that reaches just past his shoulders, and while not as blessed in the chest department as Kirk, he more than makes up for it with his hips and legs.
Kirk stops jumping to glare at the now female doctor.
"I'm no girl... I'm a lady."
To back up this statement Jim begins jumping again, so that everyone can see his breasts bouncing under his hands.
McCoy scowls at Kirk (the power of the scowl somewhat lost when on the face of a pretty woman), steps over to his and places both hands on the captain's shoulders holding the jumping woman down.
"For fuck's sake! Stop jumping up and down. You ain't wearin' a bra! You'll end up hurting yourself."
The sound of a throat clearing turns the attention of both women to Spock, now with long black hair reaching nearly to his backside and a figure that is slim compared to the other two, but not without curves.
"I believe it would be logical for us to head to Sickbay and confirm that we are all still in good health. Mr Scott should also accompany us so that we may formulate a plan to return ourselves to our natural state."
All three woman turn to the only male in the room, who is standing behind the transporter control panel and trying to suppress an amused smile... unsuccessfully.
"Jus' when I think things around here are becoming boring, something like this happens that makes me realise that I really do love this ship."
At the impatient look Mr Spock is giving him, Scotty continues quickly,
"I'm nae gonna mind walking with you lovely ladies to Sickbay if that's where we need to go."
Scotty walks up to the three women and holds out his arm in invitation.
McCoy huffs indignantly and stomps out of the room, but the impact is lost because he has to continually pull up his pants so they don't fall down.
Spock lifts an eyebrow at Scotty, raises his tunic slightly so he can tighten his belt, then exits, heading in the same direction as the doctor.
After tightening his own belt, Kirk steps down from the platform and winds his arm through his chief engineer's. Jim smiles up at the man.
"Some women just don't appreciate gentlemanly behaviour."
Kirk winks at the engineer who blushes beet red.
"Just don't try to cop a feel or it'll be real awkward when I become a man again."
Scotty chuckles and begins leading the captain out of the transporter room.
"Don't worry Captain. I know how to treat a lady."
Arriving in sick bay Kirk and Scotty find the newly female first officer sitting on a biobed analysing his feminine hands, while a fired up McCoy runs his tricorder over the Vulcan.
Jim unhooks his arm from Mr Scott's and moves over to the biobed, where he plops himself down next to Spock. Kirk starts swinging his legs, bumping his heels against the frame of the bed, knowing it is pissing McCoy off.
"I think I like Jaime. As a name, I mean. I can be Captain Jaime T. Kirk. It's badass and cute at the same time."
Spock turns to his captain as McCoy finishes with the Vulcan and moves on to Jim, mumbling about "stupid machines" and "idiotic captains".
"Our condition will surely not last long enough for us to have to legally change our names. You are behaving illogically."
"Well, I am a woman now. That automatically means I can get away with being irrational and illogical."
Spock lifts a, now even more defined, brow at his captain.
"As your species says 'What was your excuse before?'"
Kirk giggles and then slaps a hand over his mouth in horror after hearing the sound that has just emerged from it. McCoy is staring at Kirk in disgust. The tricorder forgotten in his hand.
"Please tell me you did not just fucking giggle? Goddammit Jim! You're a Captain, not a teenage girl. You can't go around giggling!"
Scotty walks up next to McCoy and lays a hand on the doctor's shoulder.
"Now lass, that's no way for a lady to be talking. You should not use that sort of lang—"
The Scot is cut off when an irate physician grabs his hand off his shoulder and digs his nails in.
"Mr Scott, you are here to help fix this thing, not stand around giving me advice on how to be a goddamn lady!"
Another giggle has the chief engineer and CMO looking in the direction of Spock and Kirk. The blond woman simply shrugs this time.
"Sorry guys, but apparently I am one of those girls."
Everyone tries to ignore McCoy's mumbled "stereotypical blond" and keep their focus on the captain, who now seems to have more to say.
"Okay, enough with the chit chat. Let's put our pretty head together—"
Scotty gives Kirk an uncertain look.
"—and yes I am including you in that statement Scotty, and figure out a way to turn us back into men… Hopefully before a certain monthly friend decides to visit. Bones was already suffering a serious case of PMS as a man. Just imagine the horrors that will be unleashed when it is actually his time of the month."
Scotty laughs but moves away from the doctor when he notices the murderous glare McCoy is directing at him. The engineer coughs a little to clear his throat and addresses the captain.
"I think I will go down to Engineering and run some diagnostics on the transporter. That will hopefully pinpoint the problem. Maybe Mr... eh, Miss Spock could go to the transporter room and ensure that the terminal is not malfunctioning."
Kirk grabs Spock's slender hand in his and jumps off the bed, pulling the shocked Vulcan with him. Jim pats Scotty on the shoulder as he passes the engineer on the way to the door, still pulling Spock behind him.
"Good idea Mr Scott. Spock and I will check out the transporter terminal. Two heads being better than one and all that jazz."
The command team are nearly out the door when they hear McCoy's exasperated voice.
"What the hell am I meant to do while you all go off playing with computers?"
Kirk stops suddenly and Spock just manages to halt his movements before he slams into his captain's back.
Jim turns to his annoyed friend with a sly smile.
"Just sit tight and look pretty, which should be very easy right now. If you get bored... you can always play with your boobs."
Kirk whips back around and pulls Spock through the door. A pillow thrown by the ship's doctor follows them out.
Kirk and Spock walk towards the transporter room hand in hand. Jim marvels at how nice it feels.
He doesn't notice the green flush now covering Spock's cheeks and ears.
Kirk and Spock have just finished re-attaching the lid to the control panel when Uhura rushes into the room.
"Oh, sorry ladies. The computer told me Captain Kirk and Commander Spock were here. Do you by any chance know where they wen—"
The communications officer trails off when the two women turn around to face her. Nyota would know the blond's smirk anywhere and she has spent a lot of wasted hours staring into the brown eyes of the Vulcan. Her own eyes go wide as her gaze bounces from Kirk to Spock, taking in their very female forms.
"What the hell happened? Why are you girls?"
Spock steps forward to address the confused and somewhat irate Uhura.
"The transporter malfunctioned while the Captain, Doctor McCoy and myself were beaming up from the surface of the planet. We materialised into these forms. Mr Scott is down in Engineering trying to discover the problem."
Nyota, nods her head slowly as she absorbs this information. A questioning look crosses her face and she lifts her hand to point at Kirk.
"Okay, but what are you two doing? Shouldn't you both be in Sickbay?"
Kirk rolls his eyes and moves to stand closer to Spock.
"We're not sick. We just got turned into women. Spock and I are still perfectly capable of doing our jobs!"
Uhura raises her hands to defend herself and turns to Spock.
"Jeez I was just asking a simple question. Is Kirk on the rag or something?"
Kirk splutters in indignation, while Spock tilts his head to the side in confusion.
"As far as I am aware, the Captain is not currently standing upon a torn piece of fabric, but to answer your earlier question, we were checking the transporter control panel for any physical fault."
Uhura giggles and shakes her head, deciding that she isn't going to correct Spock's misunderstanding.
"Now that it's all clear, Nurse Chapel told me to find you so that I could tell you that McCoy, who didn't specify where you were, wants you back in Sickbay ASAP. I am going to kill Christine for keeping this a secret. I could have had a heart attack."
Nyota's eyes travel up and down Jim's and Spock's bodies slowly.
"Is McCoy as pretty as you two?"
Spock is about to speak but a smirking Kirk beats the Vulcan to it.
"Oh, he is now a true southern belle. Legs that go on forever. I'm a little jealous to tell you the truth."
Uhura notices that Spock's eyes narrow at the captain's confession and she just knows that he is filled with jealousy. Kirk is oblivious of course and that makes it all the more entertaining. She bites her lip to stop herself from laughing at them.
"Let's just hope you get turned back soon. I am used to being the hottest woman on the ship. I don't like all this competition."
She looks at her watch and sighs softly at the fact that she won't get to stay and watch this unfold.
"I need to get back to the bridge, So I will see you later... hopefully as men."
The dark skinned woman begins heading towards the exit but is stopped by her Captain's voice. She turns back to the blond.
"Uhura, how do you not play with these all day? They are fantastic!"
Kirk palms his breasts with both hands as a way of explaining what he is talking about. Nyota just rolls her eyes and leaves without answering Kirk's ridiculous question.
Jim drops his hands and turns to Spock with a pout on his pink lips. Spock unconsciously leans in at the sight but aborts the action a moment later.
"I was totally serious Spock. How do women not get distracted by these?"
Spock's face softens in amusement as he see how serious Kirk seems to be about the question.
"I do not know. Maybe we should find out what Doctor McCoy wants with us and then you could ask him... her."
While Spock has been speaking, Kirk's gaze has fallen to the Vulcan's cleavage but now snaps back up to a pair of brown eyes. A wicked grin breaks across Jim's face.
"Can I play with yours? They look real nice and I bet—"
Spock cuts Jim off with an abrupt "No" and rushes (in a very Vulcan way) out of the room and towards Sickbay.
Kirk stands there in the middle of the transporter room and shrugs his shoulders.
"Worth a shot. Guess I'll just have to stick to playing with my own."
Jim cups his breasts again as he slowly makes her way towards McCoy's office, where the ship's XO and CMO are waiting.
The meeting in Sickbay concludes with Mr Scott explaining that since he has isolated and fixed the problem, they can use it to turn back any time they are ready. The three women don't have to be told twice and within ten minutes they are standing on the transporter pad. They are left to their own devices while Scotty runs off to engineering to input the last necessary bits of data into the ship's computer.
Bones is standing with his hands on his hips and tapping his foot impatiently. Kirk is openly staring at Spock with an expression of deep contemplation.
Spock stands perfectly straight, with his hands behind his back. The Vulcan is facing the terminal, but glances at Kirk out of the corner of his eye. When Spock has finally had enough of his captain's unnerving stare he turns to face the blond haired woman.
"Was there something you wanted, Captain?"
Kirk seems to be searching for something in Spock's eyes and Spock can see the exact moment when the Human finds it because his blue eyes narrow in determination. Jim steps closer to his XO, until they are less than a foot apart.
"Yeah, there is something I have wanted for a long, long time now."
Spock's lips move to ask for clarification but suddenly two cool hands are on either side of the Vulcan's face and soft, plump lips are caressing his thinner green tinged ones.
Spock gasps and this allows Kirk to deepen the kiss. Spock's eyelids close and a hand leaves the Vulcan's face. He thinks nothing of it until that same hand lands on his left breast. Brown eyes shoot open in shock.
Both women hear Scotty splutter as he freezes in the doorway, and slowly pull apart. The blond has an all too innocent smile on his face and the Vulcan is trying (unsuccessfully) to will away his blush. Scotty makes his way quickly over to the control panel, careful to avoid eye contact.
"Ready to go, so I need you on your own, seperate pads."
Spock nods dazedly, while Kirk just gives his chief engineer a mock salute and moves over until he is once again back on his own pad.
"Energize, Mr Scott."
The three women disappear from the platform and Scotty fiddles with dials and buttons until he hears the telltale sound of the transported rearranging atoms.
Mr Scott releases the breath he didn't realise he was holding when Captain Kirk, Commander Spock and Doctor McCoy reappear in their original male forms.
Bones reaches down, cups himself, sighs in relief, and then practically runs out the door, murmuring something about "brain bleach" and "Romulan ale".
Scotty's head perks up at the last part. He gives Spock and Kirk a quick salute and follows in the doctor's path, obviously hoping that he will be able to score himself some of the illegal liquor.
Jim and Spock are still standing on the transporter platform. They simultaneously turn to each other. Spock's face is an expressionless mask, making Kirk feel that he may have made a humongous mistake a few minutes earlier.
"Look Spock, I'm sorry for—"
Kirk stops mid sentence when he sees Spock take a step closer to him and he slams his eyes shut, waiting for the Vulcan to punch him in the face. His eyes snap open when, instead of a punch, Jim feels a warm hand rest on his hip and its twin curls around the back of his neck. He is pulled forward until he feels warm lips against his own.
Spock's hand, the one resting on Kirk's hip, drops lower until it covers one of the blond's ass cheeks and the Vulcan squeezes the flesh firmly. Now it is Kirk's turn to be shocked.
Spock breaks off the kiss and pulls his head back so that he can stare into his captain's face. The Vulcan has the barest hint of a smirk on his lips.
"I believe we are even now."
Jim just gapes at his XO, who still has his hand on the captain's backside.
"We are both still off shift. If you are amenable, maybe we could retire to my quarters to... discuss this new development in our relationship?"
Kirk just nods dumbly. Spock gives Jim's butt one last squeeze and then lets it go. The Vulcan's hands meet behind his back and he gives his commanding officer a small bow, amusement shining in his eyes.
"Very well. I shall see you in my quarters in ten minutes. Do not be late. I am not a patient man."
Spock gracefully steps off the platform and makes his way out of the transporter room without looking back.
Still in a daze, Kirk's hand goes to the part of his body that Spock's hand has just vacated. A beaming smile forms on the captain's face as he absently rubs at his ass cheek.
Kirk jumps down from his pad and sprints out the door.
While running to his first officer's quarters, Jim can't help but muse that, while Spock having boobs was nice for a change, he is going to have far more fun playing with the very male parts of Spock's anatomy.
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