Here you may come, but no further.
Here your proud waves shall be stayed?
(Job, chapter 38, 11)
24th November 2010
I´d spend my day with crying endlessly. After Gabriel had left, my cheeks heated, my fingers started shaking and my stomach revolted until icecold sweat covered my entire body. I felt sick and sad and totally exhausted. Nobody interrupted me. None of my brothers came to comfort or look after me, but I was not interested in being comforted so it wasn´t a big deal. All I wanted to know, was, what father and Michael had spoke about but I knew that Gabriel only waited for me to leave my chambers so he could take me back there.
When the sun set, I stopped crying and stepped infront of the window; the light on my face and my shoulders felt like the loving touch of my brother Lucifer. But the sunset was over soon and the night covered the world with its darkness and silence. I fell asleep, tired and pale as I was.
And in my dream I was wandering through a desert, asking all the people passing my way, where the ocean could be found. Most of them shook their heads but still one and another explained the way to me or pointed into a direction. Though I followed their advices and descriptions, the desert seemed endlessly, so when I finally saw the blue water very far away from me, I was overhelmed by joy. And crushed by bitter recognition. The water was a river, a river I´d only seen in his lenght so I´d thought it was the endless ocean.
In my sleep I cried despairedly.
But when I woke up in the morning, my thoughts were clear.
The heart beats his own way.
„After all these years you´re still with me, Lucifer.", I thought, noticing a second later that I´d said it aloud.
Then I recognized the big wooden bath tub in the middle of my room; the soft vapor which arose from the water inside, made my skin tickle and my mouth smile. I slipped out of the dress and threw it carelessly onto my bed where it lay as a big, black bundle. Then I dove into the hot water, washing the previous day tears and sweat off of me.
I sank carefully down until the water closed over my head, my wings` feathers floated movelessly around me and I remained that way.
Lucifer loved the water. „It helps the light shine brigther.", I heard him say and his voice was familiar to me like my own. I opened my eyes under water and cringed. A dark figure stood hovered over my bath tub and stared down at me. Slowly I pushed myself up so my head sticked out of the water. My relaxation vanished within seconds.
„Brother Michael...", I greeted him. My stomach felt like a heavy stone and the feeling of fear made the water turn into ice. I was freezing cold.
I lifted myself out of the bathtub.
My black hair was heavy from wetness. Michael reached his hand into my direction to help me, but I pressed my arms against me and grabbed my dress to cover me up.
Heavy silence remained between us, an unbearable formal and cold silence. He was in full armor which made it easier to face him. He was the general of the angelic hosts in those clothes, as if something of his character disappeared whenever he put his armor on.
„I see you´re...ready.", I said and mustered my steal hard reflexion on the dark metal.
Michael gave me a short nod, the way soldiers communicated with each others. But his voice was only a whisper when he said: „Our father chose me to kill the Messiah."
I knew tat he would say that. But the lifeless silence which spread inside me, came unexpected. I was scared.
„You...", I was able to whisper while I still tried to understand. „And will you follow his order?" Again he gave me that short nod, words were not necessary. I let the dress slip out of my hand and walked over to my cupboard to chose a new dress. The dark colour was consuming me. I took the first my fingers could grab; ironically it was yellow. A shield of cynism. The colour of sunlight.
Michaels eyes never left me when I was pulling it over my head and tied the cords on my ribs and waist together. It was quite a hard job cause my hands itched with desire to slap him right across the face. I´ve never had a disposition to violence, thought one of my brothers was a military leader; the brother I wanted to take out my disappointment on. But there was also another voice in my head, Lucifers voice. My only brother who owned the ability to love.
The hands of mine let go from the cords and sank peacefully down.
„Love one another!" I remembered the words of a man, who had spoken them over twothousend years ago. And I remembered Gabriel who explained, that „the son of man" was also a brother of mine in a special way; human crucified him. The light cried for another brother she´d lost.
A simple touch brought me back to present. Michael had come over to me and made the left untied cords together. Wordless I watched his hands create the artful knots down my ribs and my waist until they reached my hip. They were the hands of a warrior and seeing them working oh so softly send an unknown shiver down my spine. I took a deep breath and a step back but his fingers were still closed around the last one. And his eyes also rested on the delicate cleavage in my hip from where the dress fell departet down to the floor.
„I should leave."
I´d expected everything but that he´d leave. Michael turned around without wasting another word and disappeared. Leaving a very chruning me behind. I needed a second to curb my pulse back to a normal state and being the good daughter I was, I decided on not thinking about it anymore an put my armor on. That day it restetd heavily on me and when I was about to leave my chambers, something touched my mind like an auras breeze my brother left when entering. An echo of the words that were spoken before between my father and Michael.
„Father, how can you order me for that? I do everything but why of all that?"
Michael lifted his look to Gods face. Father let his hands slide over his face like washing an invisible triedness from it. „My son,I can´t be fooled by you. You are the general of angelic hosts, it is your fate. Noone but you will erase the Messiah and I hope you bring your sister back to mind that this is none of her business" Gods face went out even more and his body literally sank deeper into his throne. „It´s better if we´re keeping an eye on her because I´m afraid she´s closer to her brother Lucifer than I ever thought."
Michaels body braced by those words. After thousend of years passing by, God had finally brought this name through his lips and somehow they hurled his son into the deepest darkest chasms of inexplicable agonies. The pain was written on his face when he pressed out between clenched teeth:
„My father, all those thousend years back in time you´d torn her away from everything that meant something to bringer of light needed a companion to tame him and you gave her to him.." With that he lifted himself up from the usually lowly stance and directed his painful look strictly at Gods face. „Two of your other sons were born with the wish to love and with stealing Lucifer from her arms, you didn´t only break her heart and shatter any chance to be happy...no, father...you also tore heaven apart. Your sons and the woman which belongs to another man" „I didn´t mean to!"
God lips quaked when he stared at Michael with numbed look. And the red-rimmed, moistly gleaming eyes of the great leader of angelic hosts filled with tears, leaving sparkling traces down his cheeks. The both men remained that way for a while until Michaels lips parted and he said: „You made a mistake, father. You sons can love and so paved their ways into agony and perdition. And your daughters too."
„I DIDN`T MEAN TO!" Gods voice echoed from the clouds like thunder, but Michael didn´t even cringe. „We all have our crosses to bear." And with that he turned around and left.
Another day in a river of days, weeks, months and years. It´s quite ironically for a creature like me who´d seen centurys come and go, that a day feels like an hour. The sun set earlier today than the other days before. The light was tired and confused and so it decided to go to rest very soon. My thoughts were wholly inconsistent, full of ideas, doubts and the wish to do something about it. Neither me nor anybody else in heaven could deny that something was going horribly wrong. But obviously nobody, not even my brother Michael whom I admired the most of all, was willed to act. If only Lucifer were here, I thought and let my look ramble through the globe below my feet. Where are you, we need you here.
Winter had come over the earth and I wondered if Lucifer knew why the snow was falling. Did he imagine his younger sister crying for him?
„Sister Lux" I turned around and saw Gabriel heading into my direction. He wore a black robe under his armor and gave him a deep aura of severity. „I was looking for you"
I nodded at him. „Brother Gabriel" His presence irritated me; we hadn´t met or talked since the strange kiss he gave me the day before. He was really a lump of a man and very handsome indeed. And when he stepped next to me, this secret tension arose between us. „How can I help you, Gabriel?", I asked him, anxious to keep distance. He recognized it wordlessly and asked: „How are you?" I gave hom an unbelieving look, gulped my unease down and said: „Good."
What does he achieve with that?, I wondered and stared down on my feet. „Michael had been at your chambers." That was a statement, not a question. „What did he want?" I lifted my eyes to his face in surprise. „Why do you want to know that?", I asked him but he closed his eyes and shook his head. „Please, Lux. Don´t question me this time, obey and give me an answer!", he hissed and I cringed from the rough tone in his voicwe. He´d never spoken to me that way. I let my wings sink, feeling even more uneasy. „He told me that father had chosen him for the order, that´s all", I said and tried to gulp the huge icelump in my throat down. My brother stepped closer to me and his wings beat uneasily thought his face remained its seriously expression. „What do you think about that?" I did not dare to look up at him. What was going on? Why did he aks such strange quetions?
„I don´t know.", I whispered, still staring down at my feet. But Gabriels huge still soft hand reached for my chin and lifted it up so he could look me in the eyes. „You do not trust me.", he said and I could see something like sadness in his eyes. That let the dam behind my eyes crumble. I grabbed his hand, holding onto it for dear life. „I´m scared, Gabriel!", I whispered, staring up at him with spilling eyes. „We cannot let our father do that. Man were always a matter but doesn´t he love them at all?" His hand sneaked up against my cheek, wiping away my tears with his thumb. „My Lux...", he whispered and stared at me as if he was far away. It irritated me. „Gabriel, we need to do something!" My words were followed by silence. His handmuscles tightened and it nearly hurted my cheek, but then they relaxed and a strange expession sneaked up in his eyes. For a second, he seemed to have a secret fight with himself, then he sighed.
„I have no choice. It´s not a pleasure to me to do that, my sister, but with this you´re arrested. I must ask you to follow us to your chambers where you´re not allowed to leave them as long as our father thinks best."
I´d expected everything but that...I felt my jaw drop but the words got stuck in my throat. What was about his search for more trust? Only a pretense to sound me out? I followed my first impulse, turned around, about to run away. But of course Gabriel had figured on that. He simply grabbed my arm, pulled me back against him and handed me over to two of the guardians of angelic hosts. „No...", I whimpered under their hard grabs as they pulled me away. I couldn´t help but turn around to face Gabriel with helpless surprise and disappointment. Shocked I stared at him and knew he could read the words in my eyes:
How can you do that?
„It´s our fathers will.", he said and it made my heart cramp painfully inside my chest. Help me, Lucifer, they´re killing me!, I catched myself thinking when another painful pulling let me slump down like a limb bundle.
Gabriel watched the guardians drag his sister away. She was more hanging between them than walking and the look she gave him...the pain inside him was unbearable, so he turned away, not able to watch the procedure any longer.
It´s our fathers will. And his word is law.
25th November 2010
When the walls of my chambers began to move closer, I felt like choking. I jumped up from my bed and started to hammer on the door like a lunatic. „Let me out!", I yelled, pulling on the doorhandle. The massive wood gave some loud moaning and groaning but I couldn´t open it; neither did the guardians answer or open the themselve. My blowup ended in pathetic knocking and finally I gave up like the other four times before. I turned around and leaning against the door I slowly sank down to the ground.
Arrested! Arrested by the own brother like a rebellious child. Distrusted like a criminal by the own father.
He´s suspicious. He fears a rebellion., a voice whispered in my head. And maybe it was right.
Locking me in my chambers was the only possibility to keep me from taking part in the play; obviously my closeness to Lucifer gave me a certain background.
But above all the pain of being traitened by my family, I remembered what all this was about:
I must do something. I can´t stay anymore and hope it all turns out to end good.
Those thoughts overhelmed me and suddenly the weakness in my body vanished, an unbreakable resolve took its place. Within a second I was at my cupboard and ripped off my yellow dress. It was replaced by a grey one, a colour that wouldn´t catch as much attention; then I lifted myself into my armour. It was so heavy that it pushed the breath out of my lungs and for a second I was tempted to leave it in my chambers. You´ll need every shelter you can get., the voice said and so I still carried my armor when I walked over to the door, kneeling down infront of it. I was locked, there was no way out and so I did what our father had taught us to do in such desperate situations: I prayed. I prayed to – well, I didn´t know to whom. But that wasn´t important at all. What was important, was that he heard me.
Now, brother Lucifer, help me!
With that my right fist hit the door and it flew open. The guardians were pushed away and the force send them flying through the air; fierce, pulsing light surrounded me and dazzled them so they couldn´t do anything but slap the hands infront of their eyes and stay in that rolled up position. Now run as fast as you can., the invisible guard with me ordered and I obeyed. I ran thought I didn´t know my goal. That was the fine but immense mistake of my plans. How was I supposed to stop God in his act? How could I fight mischief?
You must follow me, sister. Follow me to earth, that´s the only way to fight them.
Immediatley I stopped, staring into the dark nightsky which opened in front of me. Without real intention I´d taken the path to the edge of heaven cliff. Under my feet the globe lay in sleepy darkness and I finally understood that I was not alone. He was there and wouldn´t leave me alone. Lucifer you´re still with me., I thanked him but the silent dialogue with my brother was interrupted my hasty steps and the soudn of beating wings. I snapped around and the picture infront of me caught my breath in my lungs. The angelic hosts had gathered in their full forces, my brothers Uriel, Raphael, Gabriel and Michael led them like a quarter of law; something I didn´t belong to. Gabriel pulled the two soldiers he´d ordered to guard my prison; they looked scared and stepped closer to each other, about to keep as much distance to Gabriel as possible. They would get their punishement later, my brothers look was as good as a promise. With hopeful heartbeating I mustered my brothers faces: Raphaels eyes were filled with tears, he seemed overhelmed by surprise. Uriels hand lay on his sword and the expression in his eyes left no doubt that he´d cut me down without hesitation. That sent a shiver down my spine and I took a step back. The expelled might of Gods glory nearly made me give up. But then I heard the voice chuckle in amusement, he laughed about my childish fear. I took another step back and...
„Don´t go further, my sister Lux!", Gabriels strong voice echoed from the clouds around me. They were black and heavy of divine anger and were so close to explode. I pulled my sword. I was a warrior as good as Gabriel or Michael, even faster than they could ever get. But I´d always denied that part of me as unworthy and shameful; I was not a destroyer, I was a creator.
Michael lay his hand onto Gabriels shoulder, gave him a strict look and passed him by to look at me. „Lux, I beg you! Don´t do that! When you go, you can never come back!" He sounded despaired. I grabbed my sword even tighter and let my eyes wander around, examining the faces that stared at me. Of course Michael was right. No angel, who´d left heaven without Gods permission, had ever return; the heavens gate would only open with Gods will.
„No!", I heard myself yell when the Fall appeared infront of my eyes.
„Lux! Come here, immediately!", Michael also yelled in sheer anger. „NO!" I gave him a flaming look and pointed at him. „I will not watch our father destroy everything we lived for! My brother Lucifer had been the only one who recognized that father is not tadellos and what happened? Father took him away from me, he tore me apart from my all and everything just because he wasn´t blind as you are!"
My voice was not my own anymore. It was a wild, angry screeching and seemed to cut through the clouds and the walls of Gods castle. Like blood from a rebroken wound, the words streamed out of my mouth, words I´d kept inside me for centuries.
„Don´t you see what´s happening? Don´t you even love man enough to fight for them?" I looked at each of them and they tried to avoid my glance. „Well, I do and I´m not willed to let them die!" With these words I looked directly at Michael and his painful eyes answered with silent pleads. „I am the light and I´ll follow my bringer.", I said much calmer as if it was only for him. I pushed my sword back into the sheath on my belt and took some more steps back without losing sight of them, until I felt the cliffs edge under my feet. Then I opened my arms wide, giving one last glance at the clouds and the castle. „Father, look at me!"
And with that I let myself fall.
:D Heeey everybody! ^^ It´s been a while but my second term is almost over and thought I have exams, I feel like writing ^^ Well, yes I´m Last RAINBOW who started this story but somehow I was in the mood to change my name in here. :D Just for information so you won´t think sbd stole my story! :D
This one is shorter than the last chapter but I hope you forgive me; in that case the next one will be longer, promise! ;) I thank for reviews and criticism