And if it pleases you to leave me,
Stopping you would stifle
Your enchanting ghost.
-Sufjan Stevens, "Enchanting Ghost"
My mouth went dry as I stood, brain foggy from the few gulps of wine I had taken.
He called me 'Hawke'.
I thought of the thousands of things I could have said to made this moment easier; if only I had toldhim, if I had softened the blow...
But I hadn't, and yet again I was reaping the consequences.
I held up a hand to stop him from moving forward. "It isn't what you think, Fenris."
"It doesn't matter what I think," he said, stepping forward. I stepped back, hand still raised, mirroring his movement.
"Fenris, don't," I warned, feeling the wall at my back. I braced myself against it, my head hitting tapestry. Please be a wine-induced dream.
"Don't what?" he sneered, hands fisted. I crouched down as Fenris stood over me, head inches from mine, lips raised in a snarl. "Don't blame you?"
"Don't hit me," I clarified, glaring up at him. "I can explain everything."
He snorted, slamming his hands to the wall on either side of my head. "I don't need you to." He leaned his mouth beside my ear. "You sold me, Marian," he spat.
I couldn't tell you who threw the first punch - all I knew was when his lips curled around my name, we both sprung into action.
A hand clamped around my arm and I kneed him in the gut, running past him as he doubled over. Adrenaline flowed throughout my muscles, my heart pounding in my chest as I ran out of my bedroom door, trying to escape him.
I gasped when his hand clamped around my robe; I spotted the glow of his tattoos swim across the floor as he threw me against the wall again, my head splitting across the cement. I growled and lashed out, landing a punch against his jaw and scrambling out the window. The bars on my windows were thin; I wiggled through the sliver of a gap between the bar and the sill, and he caught my leg, causing me to faceplant onto my wet balcony.
"Come back!" Fenris shouted as I kicked him off of me, tearing the back of my robe from hip to shoulder with the jolting movement. I wiped blood from my chin as I quickly perched on the balcony wall, glaring at Fenris, rain pouring over my head and dripping from my hair. I spat the offending liquid away from my lips and blinked the streams from my eyes.
"No!" I yelled as thunder cracked somewhere behind me.
"Hawke, don't make me come out there," he warned, hands grabbing at the bars. I shook my head, trying to catch my breath, shivering in my ripped robe.
"You're trying to kill me!" I panted, rubbing the sore spot on my head. "Fenris, I didn't sell you into slavery!"
"Bullshit!" he snarled, kicking the bars. The cement cracked, dust trickling from where the bars were lodged.
"Think about it, Fen Fen," I teased angrily. "I was in love with you!"
He shook his head and kicked the bars again. "Irrelevant!"
"Fuck irrelevant!" I screamed, hearing my crude words echo around me. My neighbors were going to complain, I was certain, if they could hear me over the roar of the rain. "I would have never done it if I had known what he would do to you!"
"What did you think he would do, Hawke?" Fenris yelled, stomping at the bars again. They moved infinitesimally, and I crawled onto the ledge of my balcony, prepared to leap onto the next house should he come at me again. "Bake me a cake and welcome me home?"
"I didn't know!" I was close to pulling my sopping hair out. "All I knew was that we would have died if we tried to fight! I thought that, maybe, being a slave for a few hours would be better than dying!"
"You were wrong!" he roared, pushing at the bars again. They gave way, iron clanging to the floor, and I scrambled to my feet, wobbling on the slippery ledge. I judged the distance between my balcony and the neighbors' balcony, but didn't get a chance to jump before his arms clamped around my legs, dragging me to the floor with him.
I punched him in the chest. "Let me go!" I demanded, trying to wiggle out of his grasp.
"No!" he said, hands finding a stronger hold around my legs. "Not until I'm finished talking!"
"We aren't talking." I cried out as he bit my hip, teeth digging into my skin. "This is called fighting."
We struggled against each other, me trying to leave, him trying to keep me in place; we scraped across the floor, panting, biting, punching, kicking, until we ran out of breath. He collapsed on top of me - when did we reverse positions? - and I felt his heart pound against the skin of my stomach - my torn robe gone. He bit my nipple and I gasped, yanking his hair by the roots.
His hands grasped my hips and his tongue flicked against my skin, a searing lick of heat in the frigid downpour; I grabbed his shoulders, trying to push him off me, and his spiky armor stabbed my palm.
"Get off me!" I yelped, kicking at him. He ignored my protests and shed his gauntlets.
"You love me?" he challenged, sliding up my body to push my shoulders against the ground. "Prove it to me."
I glared at him. "What part of my actions hasn't proved I love you?" He let me push him over, only for me to straddle his waist, my hands slamming his torso against the ground. He hissed a breath through his teeth, jaw clenching. "I tried so fucking hard," I growled, ripping his chest plate off. I tore buckles, and I didn't give a damn. "To make you comfortable." I snatched his jerkin from his skin, splitting it open. "I saved your ass, I protected your ass, I loved your ass."
I glanced down to glare into his eyes only to find him raising an eyebrow.
In a pause lasting five heartbeats, I realized what I had said.
I loved your ass.
Sputtering into a random fit of giggles, I rocked back onto his stomach, my face reddening from lack of air as the laughter persisted. Fenris tipped me over, rolling on top of me and kicking off his leggings, settling himself between my legs. His skin warmed against mine as my continued heaving created friction.
"I didn't -" I snorted, interrupting my speech. "I didn't mean it that way."
"I know," he said, rolling his eyes at me. His hands dipped down to touch me, rolling my clit beneath his thumb.
"I - I meant -" I burst into laughter again, tears leaking out of the corner of my eyes. "Your ass!" I giggled uncontrollably, my hands covering my mouth in a futile attempt to stifle the sound as rain patted on my naked skin. "I meant that I loved you, not your-"
I gasped, the sound morphing into a moan as he shoved his hardness into me, pushing my hips to the ground. His hands grabbed my legs, wrapping them around his slender hips as he started a rough, fast pace, thrusting my giggles into submission.
I groaned, my head rolling back. He leaned down and nipped at my throat, sucking the skin there, marking me. I rocked my hips to meet his thrusts and cried out when it hit that spot - that one spot deep inside.
"Fenris," I breathed, voice shaky. "I didn't stop." I clenched my eyes shut, throwing my head back as the tip of his erection hit that spot again. "I couldn't ever stop," I groaned, throwing my arms around his neck and pulling him to me. "I love you, whether you remember me or not." I pressed my face against his cheek, biting the skin of his jaw. "I can't help myself, damn it!" I snarled and yanked his head down so I could bite up his ear, sucking on the pointed tip. He growled and I felt him grow larger inside of me, pressing into my walls.
"Come for me," he commanded, hoarse voice whispering hot breath into my ear. "Come on my cock now, Hawke."
I whimpered, clamping my nails on his back and thrusting my hips against him. "Fenris," I moaned, biting my lip.
"Come," he roared, throwing his head back. My eyes caught the stressed veins of his neck, his flexing shoulders, rivulets of water and sweat dripping down his chest, trickling onto mine. My nipples taut and pressed against his hard muscle, rubbing, thrusting, kneading, and I felt him dagger himself inside of me one last time, hitting that spotagain as he came, shooting his seed into me, and I cried out, tumbling behind him over the cliff.
After the throes of orgasm faded, we trembled, limbs locked together. He didn't pull out of me, and I didn't release him, even as the wind drifted over us, cooling our bodies. His forehead met mine as we gasped, chests heaving.
"I missed you," I said, brow furrowing. I kissed the tip of his nose, and he sighed. "I'm sorry," I said, blinking back tears and rainwater.
"Sorry I found out?" Fenris growled. My hand slid from his back to brush his bangs out of his eyes; they matted across his forehead, stuck.
"Sorry I didn't explain to you earlier," I said in a small voice. "Sorry I didn't tell you before - I didn't want to upset you. It was my burden to carry." My vision clouded; definitely not from the rain. "I knew you would hate me, and I-" I choked, pressing my face into his shoulder. "I couldn't live with-"
Fenris sighed and rolled over, finally slipping out of my warmth. He pulled me halfway on top of him, wrapping an arm around me. "Stop that," he ordered, his free hand gliding up my waist to wipe the liquid running from my eyes.
"I can't," I sobbed, nuzzling his neck. "I'm sorry, so sorry, and I-" I frowned, trying to quell the tears. "Please don't leave," I begged. "Don't leave." Insecurity washed over me, and I was suddenly terrified that he would walk away.
He groaned, and I knew he was rolling his eyes. "Stop crying, Hawke. I'm not leaving."
I sniffed, cheeks warm as I peeked up at his face. "You're not?" I asked, hopeful.
"No," he replied, grimacing. "I'm not." He leaned up, cradling me to his chest and glowering up at the gray heavens. He used his body as a shelter from the rain, lanky muscle protecting me from the Maker's storm.
"I love you," I said into his neck. "You know I do, right?" I sniffled, hoping he would understand. "I didn't want anything bad to happen to you." I pressed my face against his skin, trying to physically stem my crying, but couldn't; I only succeeded in muffling a moan. "I love you. I love you." I said it over and over until I was overcome with tears, my words incomprehensible.
Fenris merely sighed and wrapped his arms around me. I knew we had to move; I didn't want him to catch his death in the rain, of all things, but I couldn't find the willpower to stand, let alone leave his embrace. "I know," he said solemnly, voice quiet. He rested his chin on my head as I cuddled into his chest, weeping.
The salty wind blew into my face as I stared across the starboard side of the ship; I inhaled the air, unable to wait for the castoff that would take place in a few minutes. The deck of the ship was buzzing with activity as my companions hurried to stow away their last-minute cargo in the hold, Isabela always shouting orders and laughing from the cockpit.
She couldn't wait for castoff, either.
Kirkwall held nothing for me; not anymore. My family was gone, my duties null, and the city in shambles. I wasn't going to pull it off its ass again; the weight of it had fallen on me twice - two times too many, if you asked me.
"Hawke," Fenris said; I hadn't heard his feet cross the wooden deck in the din around us. I turned to smile at him, and he leaned down to kiss me, a soft peck of lips on lips. "Are you sure?"
"I've never been more sure of anything in my life," I responded, returning my gaze to the sea. He stepped behind me, wrapped his arms around my torso. "And you?"
"My place is at your side," he said confidently.
"And Danarius?" I asked, raising my eyebrow.
"Can't hide forever." I heard the smile in his voice; he kissed my neck, trailing heat down my spine.
"What if he's dead?" I challenged, arching my neck sideways in offering.
"Then he's dead," he murmured, teeth grazing my flesh.
I inhaled the scent of saltwater, heard the birds screaming overhead. A pressure built in my chest, a tangible need set off by his presence. "Iloveyou," I forced out quickly, then chuckled. "I feel like I can't say it enough. I didn't get the chance to, last time..." I trailed off. "Are you sure?" I asked again. I wouldn't have him making any decisions because of my wishes.
If our experiences proved anything, it was that Fenris was his own master.
"'I've never been more sure of anything in my life,'" he quoted, resting his chin on my shoulder. "You don't want me to go," he stated. "Why do you keep asking? My answer will not change."
I sighed. "I know." And I did. I needed only the reminder - that he accepted my shortcomings, that he would forgive me - well, he hadn't said the exact words, but I knew he was ready to put my careless stumble behind us. "I just don't want to fuck it up, you know?"
"You won't 'fuck it up', Hawke," Fenris said patiently, leaning his head against my cheek. "Marian."
I rolled my eyes. "Marian," I mocked. "Marian. I can't imagine why you thought it was so important to call me Marian."
"I like Marian," he confessed.
"Then why do you call me Hawke?" I asked, tilting my head.
He shrugged. "It sounds professional, I suppose."
I turned around in his arms and kissed him on the cheek, my hands running across his ribs. He had filled out again - as 'filled out' as an elf could get. Tight muscles, lanky frame, strong jaw, cocky eyes... "Everyone already knows we're lovers," I said dryly. "I doubt they'll mind if you call me Marian."
"Hmm," he hummed, lips dragging across my face. "No, I believe I'll keep it to myself." He smiled against my mouth. "Marian," he said, ghosting the touch to the bridge of my nose and planting another kiss. "My Marian." He cocked his head, and I closed my eyes. "I like the sound of that."
"You're an ass," I said to him, giggling at the reminder. Your ass. "Your Marian. Will you be my Fenris, just to even the playing field?" I blushes slightly as I realized that he was already my Fenris in my head.
"Did you really think I would be able to leave you?" he asked me, changing tones and wrapping his arms around me and kissing the shell of my ear.
"You had me scared at one point," I admitted, ducking my head to evade the affection and laughing when he ducked with me, refusing to give up. "Stop, that tickles!"
I leaned up and kissed his lips quickly, causing him to forget that he was tormenting me for a moment, and he depend the kiss, his tongue sliding easily across mine.
"You two lovebirds cut it out over there," the pirate said from her perch. "We're about to set sail!"
"Where do you want to go?" Fenris asked, forehead meeting mine.
"Does it matter?" I returned. "Kirkwall is finished."
"You insisted that the bloodmage bring her mirror on board," Fenris added. "You must have a reason."
"I think it's pretty," I teased, rolling onto the balls of my feet to kiss him again.
He shook his head, exasperated. "Never mind. I'm sure you'll come out and tell me sometime - you're awful at keeping secrets."
I laughed as Isabela began barking orders at the crew, and twisted out of Fenris's grasp as we set sail, leaving the City of Chains behind us.
I want to thank everyone for sticking with this story; I know it's mediocre and my writing needs work, but this had initially been a speedwriting practice prompt that grew wildly out of proportion. Don't expect a sequel! I like where it is, and to be honest I'm ready to start something new - so, if you liked this one, you may want to stick around, yeah? -crosses fingers-
And really, how could anyone think this wouldn't end up happily? I love shut-the-fuck-up-get-out-my-face-whaat? endings, and I adore cliffhanger endings, but this was always planned as a HPA.
Sunshine, puppies and rainbows to every person who read this story,
P.S. YOUR ASS!