Fucking Press Conference
"There's a bleeping press conference in an hour, and I'm not doing it. Which one of you trolls is volunteering?" "Sakura, you are an annoying betch; Sakura, I freakin hate you; Sakura, thanks-for nothing! Oh!" Sakura's features harden. "Sasuke, you are a good for nothing, emo bastard- EAT METAL!" Written for my "rewrite episode 215" challenge!
Boo-ya. Welcome to my challenge, I'm re-writing episode 215, you better like it or leave it:)
I'll stick the actual challenge at the end to inspire some fic writing fire, 'cause that's my desire, yo this shit ain't for hire *strikes a Killer Bee pose* Dig it.
Naruto wore a grin plastered to his face that stated to the world, 'I am the shit and I know it dwag. Damn am I the bee's knees.' He strutted over to the leather couch like he was Kami's gift to quality television (ha, ha) and threw himself down onto the comfortable cushions.
"Oi, dobe. Why are you so fucking pleased with yourself?"
Said 'dobe' closed his eyes and smiled while replying, "Hmmm. I just think we did a really good job with the show this week, and, I'm like, super stoked, dattebayo."
Just then, Sakura strutted in wearing her, quote, 'hooker heels', a short red dress, and lipstick that was definitely too close of a shade to prostitute red for Sasuke's tastes. The pink headed girl yawned and plunked herself down on the couch next to Naruto, whose ludicrous grin only lengthened in her proximity. "Naruto-kun, did I hear you say that we did a good job with the show this week?" She tried to keep the incredulous tone out of her tired voice.
"Now, did you mean we did a good job despite the stilted scripting, the lack of any real action-" Sakura was going to go on, but Naruto cut in.
"Hey come on, I did not say that!"
Sakura rolled her eyes, Sasuke merely "Hned", the word "Hn" now possessing the ability to be conjugated in verb form.
"What guys, come on-"
"Naruto, this week's episode fucking sucked."
"Oi, Sakura-chan, don't say that, I had some great parts!"
Sasuke "Hned" again. "Dobe, you got a little cut from rescuing Sakura- read, you got in no actual fighting time- and then waxed poetic about Kami knows what drivel. Your verbal diarrhea was, for lack of a better phrase, completely asinine. As for me, I came off as an escapee from the mental ward. Gah. I'm plotting my revenge on the writers right now." Just you wait, writers. Just. You. Wait.
Sakura was about to moan about her own role in this week's episode- but before she could open her red lips, which resembled an unappealing shade of overly ripe fruit, there was a loud knock on the door. Kakashi poked his head in.
"There's a fucking press conference in an hour, and I'm not doing it. Which one of you trolls is volunteering." It was not a question so much as a gruff, maladroit statement.
"Fuck yes. The world must know my truth, CHA!" Sakura fisted the air at that.
"I'll do it, dattebayo!" The dobe grinned idiotically; his teeth sparkled in the lamplight, serving to further irritate the Uchiha.
"Very good. I'll send the make-up artist in."
"Kakashi, I already did my make-up!" Sakura whined.
Kakashi looked at her closely and cleared his throat. "Very good...I'll send the make-up artist in." Before she could respond, the door slammed behind his retreating figure.
Sakura grumbled something incoherent under her breath.
Sasuke, on the other hand, displayed an uncharacteristic grin.
FLASH! Click click FLASH! Click!
Remind me why I let myself be dragged into this... Sasuke thought glumly. Oh yeah...revenge. Sweet sweet revenge. Oh Kishi and company, you are going to pay for my syndicated humiliation today. A fangirl elbowed her way to the foot of the stage, and began snapping pictures of her heartthrob with her iphone while yapping about Sasuke's awesomeness. Sasuke wished he had a kunai to throw, but alas, his agent knew his propensity towards violence when near fangirls and had had the Uchiha frisked before letting him out in public. Damn...
The three sat behind a podium on a wooden stage while the general public snapped an increasingly annoying amount of photos. Finally, Madara got behind the central podium and waved for quiet. He cleared his throat and muttered into the microphone, "And now the stars will field questions. Anyone?" His statement was met with a loud roar as everyone and their mother raised their hands. Finally, a reporter with a name-tag that read Hello!-My-Name-Is-Gajeel rose and grabbed the floor microphone from some lowly gopher. He glared up at the stage and asked, "This question goes to Sakura. What the fuck was wrong with your performance this week?" Sasuke chuckled and thought to himself, Hn. What wasn't wrong with Sakura's performance this week. Hn.
That guy must have a death wish...Naruto thought this as his eyes got wide. Then again... Naruto took in the reporter's numerous metal piercings and large stature, then shuddered. If anyone was going to piss off Sakura and live to tell the tale, it might be this guy.
Sakura, trying to mask her rage, smiled sweetly. "Why thank you for your question, Gay-eel. You see, the writers of this show are all male, chauvinist pigs who make me do stereotypical things like, oh, cry like a fucking pansy when I should be kicking ass. Specifically, kicking Sasuke's ass. I would like to bring to the court's attention, exhibit A." Sakura pulled down a blank screen and shouted, "Lee! Roll the tape!" The lights went out and a projector turned on. Sakura took the microphone and cooed, "This animation was made by my fans, CherryBlossom4eva and SakuraKixAss, utilizing Photoshop CS4. Please enjoy."
The film showed the familiar scene of Sakura standing upside down under a bridge, hovering over Sasuke with a kunai. There is a close up of Sakura's face looking upset, and a series of flashbacks-
"Sakura, you are an annoying betch"
"Sakura, I freakin hate you."
"Sakura, thanks- for nothing! Oh!" He hits Sakura upside the head; she passes out.
End flashback within a flashback.
Sakura's features harden. "Sasuke, you are a good for nothing, emo bastard- EAT METAL!"
Sasuke, at this point, is still sightless from overusing his hopelessly haxed ocular jutsu. "No Sakura, I've always looooved you!" Our blind antagonist cries.
"LIKE HELL YOU DO! YOU ALMOST CHIDORIED ME IN THE BACK, like less than five minutes ago. DIE BETCH, DIE!" Sakura puts away her kunai and instead whips out a jumbo sized chainsaw from her ninja pouch (how the hell did she fit that in there? She's like the mother fucking Mary Poppins of ninja) and enhances the vibrating blade with chakra. The blade glows a menacing blue before it cuts into Sasuke's pale flesh-
Wingedmercury, who hitherto had been narrating the fan animation, shudders. She cries, "Honestly, I couldn't tell you what happens after that, because seriously I can't handle blood and gore. Especially not chainsaw massacres. But damn, Sakura just went Freddy Krueger on Sasuke's ass. That shit was epic." Wingedmercury nods approvingly and retreats to the other side of her monitor (for now, whahaha).
The film ended and there was a smattering of applause as the house lights went back on.
"Haruno Sakura, I think it's time you joined our guild!" Boomed a voice. A cluster of anime women gathered around the stage- Sakura noticed Erza and Lucy from Fairy Tale, as well as Kuchiki Rukia, Matsumoto Rangiku, and Inoue Orihime from Bleach. The booming voice apparently had belonged to Erza, and she intoned once more, "Did you know, Sakura-sama, that most male anime actors get paid twice what their female counterparts receive in financial compensation for their art?"
"Additionally," Rukia pipped up, "Our abilities are never as bad-ass as the men's."
"We're constantly being saved by their lame asses, again, and again, and again." Orihime said, clearly pissed off.
"And yet, we never, EVER, get into anyone's pants. We get no glory, and no booty." Rangiku spat this last bit.
"So we, the women of anime, are banding together to form our own kick-ass show where we get to have unbeatable, haxed abilities, where we get to headline and have dopey, weak men trailing after us like little lost puppies." Lucy said this bit with a twinkle in her eye, thinking of Natsu in particular.
"We hope you'll consider, Sakura-sama. For you are truly a kick-ass kunoichi and shouldn't have to put up with this second rate show. 'Cause let's face it, Naruto is in decline." Erza said her piece and handed Sakura a contract. "Just think about it."
Sakura looked like she had just been handed a brick of gold from Fort Knox that had been blessed by the Virgin Mary herself. "I am...deeply honored. I will definitely get back to you soon!"
Naruto blanched. "Sakura- you aren't thinking of leaving the show, are you?"
Sakura smiled dreamily and put the folded up contract in her cleavage. She waltzed over to Naruto and patted the blonde on the head. "There. There."
Madara grit his teeth and was about to ask the crowd if there were more questions, but Sasuke stood up and grabbed his microphone. "Oi, I already know what you are going to ask. Why can't you do evil laughter better Sasuke? Why can't you get a tissue and wipe away your bloody tears Sasuke? Well first off, my evil laugh was great until the fucking editing team used some variation of auto-tune to make it sound all gay and stuff. Like, Mariah Carey worthy. Gah. Second, the visual editors thought it made me look all bad-ass having blood dripping down my face. Do you know how uncomfortable it is to have blood dripping down your face for, like two whole days of shooting time? I had to have it 'reapplied' every five minutes so it wouldn't dry and cake all over my face. Fucking disgusting, so stop your fucking complaining. YOU DON'T KNOW THE PAIN. Bastards. But anyway, fuck all that. Turn off the lights again! Roll the tape Kakashi!"
Kakashi grinned like an asshole from the back of the room and flicked on the projector again. What followed was one epic-assed fighting scene.
"Sasuke, look into your heart."
"Kakashi, who wrote your lines? I have no heart. WHAHAHAAHA!"
Sasuke, in real time, shouted, "Now that's how an evil laugh should sound! See! I do a brilliant evil laugh! WHAHAHAHAHA!"
Now both Sasukes were doing an evil laugh, and the stereo effect was quite disconcerting for the audience.
The Sasuke on the projector screen continued, "All those douchey ninjas, laughing at me, laughing at Itachi! The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord WHEN I LAY MY VENGEANCE UPON THEE!" Sasuke finished his speech with a dramatic sweep of his sword.
Naruto-in real time- said something that was very, very muffled. If anyone had taken a cursory glance at the blonde, they would realize that at some point, he had been bound and gagged with copious amounts of duct tape. Poor Naruto. By his side, Sakura stood up and bellowed, "Sasuke! You fucking idiot! You jacked those lines straight out of Pulp Fiction!"
Sasuke shrugged. "Shut up and watch the movie betch." He turned to the audience and bellowed, "Did you see the great fucking acting I did for my monologue? Did you? Did you?" I rule, Sasuke thought to himself, exceedingly pleased with his acting.
Oh...Sasuke is so dead by the end of this fucking press conference. So. Dead. Sakura clenched her teeth in consternation.
Back to the silver screen- a wicked fight scene emerged, in wide screen no less. Kakashi whipped out some chidori goodness and whapped Sasuke on the side of his ignorant head. Sasuke took out his katana, funneled an insane amount of chakra into it, and a field of lightening forked towards Kakashi, barely missing him. An acrobatic display of taijutsu ensued, its grace and ferocity putting the official episode 215 to much, much shame. "Water style- water bullet jutsu!" "Fire style- phoenix flower jutsu!" Kakashi and Sasuke hurled every conceivable kind of water-fire-earth-lighting moves at each other until they plum ran out of jutsu. So-
Real time Sakura shouted, "The fuck Uchiha! We don't have fucking Bankai in Naruto world, you stole that shit from Bleach. Tite Kubo is so going to sue your-"
"Thank you. Sakura." Sasuke whapped her upside the head and she passed out.
Naruto blinked, having a sudden feeling of deja vu (or truly, deja vu within a state of deja vu, for how many times have we seen that particular flashback? You know the one I mean.)
In any event...
The movie continued.
"Super triple deluxe bankai!" Kakashi shouted.
"Super quadruple bankai with a side of susanoo!" Sasuke roared.
"Oh snap! I'm doooooooomed!" Kakashi moaned, for who could top a super quadruple bankai with a susanoo cherry on top?
"Never fear, I will save you sensei!" Sakura shouted.
"YAY!" Rukia, Rangiku, Orihime, Lucy and Erza shouted from the crowd.
Back on screen: "Fuck that Sakura." Sasuke summarily ran her through with his katana. "Dumb ass betch."
"BOO!" Yelled the very same Women's League of Anime Characters. Erza summoned her suit of a thousand swords and aimed them all at the projector. CRASH. That was the end of that sexist bull crap.
"Oh man, we worked really hard on that shit!" Kakashi wailed.
"Shut it old man, or your precious porn collection is next!" Erza hissed.
That definitely shut Kakashi up.
Madara sighed and tapped the microphone. "We have time for one more question." The elder Uchiha reached out and ripped the duct tape off of Naruto's mouth. "Anyone have something they would like to ask Uzumaki?"
"Ouch! That hurt old man!" Naruto would have rubbed his abused jaw if he could, but he was still bound to his chair with insane amounts of adhesives.
"I have a question!" One daring reporter stood up and smoothed his white suit with one hand, while he pushed his glasses further up his nose with the other. "What's up with this love-no-jutsu crap you've been pulling with Sasuke? Seriously. And, like, where the hell are you when you bare your soul to your 'best-friend-turned-Johnny-the-homicidal-maniac'? Are you guys in heaven? Inside a cotton candy machine? You want that I should have a heart attack? I think I'm going to plotz. Nu, what's your answer, I'm listening. I don't have all day you know- you want that I should wait all day? The chutzpah of you ninja- blah blah blah..."
Naruto raised an eyebrow- since when did Ishida Uryū use Yiddish words and syntax? Weren't they all supposed to speak in Japanese? Maybe the Quincy fighters were a long lost tribe of Jews...no, that couldn't be right at all, because they totally fought with magical chakra crosses that dangled off of their rosary bracelets...WTF? Naruto's brain was overloading from cognitive dissonance-
Does not compute!
Does not compute!
Madara hit Naruto upside the head. "Answer the question, blonde."
Naruto winced and scooted his chair closer to the microphone, no easy task for someone bound in silver-extra-heavy-duty-extra-shiny tape.
"Hey man, my performance was fucking brilliant, dattebayo!"
Lucy summoned Aquarius with one of her keys, and the bitchy mermaid began to spit brackish water towards the bound blonde.
"Lucy, I can totally understand where you are coming from." Naruto nodded towards the celestial mage, unleashing the power of his gut-wrenching, stomach-clenching, vomit-inducing, love-no-jutsu.
Rukia began grinding her teeth. "Hadō- Shakkaho! Red fire cannon!" A burst of red energy sped straight for our blonde hero, who barely managed to shuffle his chair out of the way before it hit him. The chair legs wobbled unsteadily on the floor, and Naruto unfortunately tipped over quite unceremoniously and became a pile of ninja-and-chair.
"Rukia, that really hurt, but I can understand why you did it and I'm still a super huge fan of Bleach."
Orihime called, "Tsubaki! Forbidden super secret attack jutsu!"
Rongiku rolled her eyes. "Honey, I think the whole jutsu thing is a Naruto-"
Orihime muttered, "Yeah, yeah, just roll with it honey buns."
Tsubaki manifested out of Orihime's hair clip and flew over to Naruto.
"What the fuck is that, a little fairy?"
"Fuck you, you little punk ass kid."
"You're really starting to piss me off." It seemed that love-no-jutsu hour was now officially over.
Tsubaki barked out a laugh, "Oh, are you pissed off? I'd be more worried about getting pissed on!" There was a sound of the world's tiniest zipper being unzipped, followed by the tinkling sound of water.
"Oh my- OH MY GWAD, ARE YOU PEEING ON ME?"
Orihime nodded wisely. "That's my super secret, ultra forbidden attack. It's foolproof against ninjas."
Naruto started to go red in the face- then his eyes turned red.
"Now you've gone and done it." Sasuke muttered.
Sakura, who was at this time just groggily opening her eyes, gasped. "Everyone! RUN! HEAD FOR THE HILLS!"
Naruto's red chakra fanned around him, and 6 tails emerged. "You are going down you fucking little pixie!"
"Eh, I'm not scared of you, foxy-chaaaaaaaaan!" Tsubaki called.
About five seconds later, the building exploded and the Kyuubi stood over its remains, wagging its tails like a happy puppy who had just gotten into the trash and found last night's takeout at the bottom.
Kakashi shook his head. "Well, that fucking press conference went well."
Indeed. Yes in-deed-illy-dood-ily.
Sakura reached inside of her bra and began reading her contract from the Women's League of Anime Characters. "One word," Sakura muttered as she shook her head, little stars in her eyes, "Shan-a fucking-naro." I do believe it's time to blow this popsicle stand...
Challenge: rewrite anime 215 "Two Fates"
Ok people, are you up to the challenge?
This week's anime was appalling. Just. Appalling. Between the myriad of flashbacks and the stilted conversation between Sasuke-no-bastard and our favorite jinchuriki that took place somewhere in la-la land...gah.
So here's some parameters:
-FIGHT SCENES! Put Kishi to shame and splice in some sick fight scenes. Sasuke vrs. Kakashi, Sasuke vrs. Sakura, and especially Sasuke vrs. Naruto. And any other fight scenes you want to put in there is a.o.k by me!
-GIVE SAKURA SOME BALLS! Gah, this week, it was all weep weep weep, I'm poor wittle Sakura and I'm in love, I can't kill Sasuke-kuuuuuuuun even though he's a homicidal maniac. Right. Fix this. Please, I'm begging you.
And last but not least...
-SPICE UP NARUTO'S LOVE-NO-JUTSU! Put some spice into the syrupy confessions of our blonde, I-have-a-Jesus-complex, hero, as he bares his soul to one mentally unstable Uchiha.
Other than that...feel free to have this in an AU if you want, add in an OC here and there, make it a crack fic...I don't care what you do, just make it INTERESTING! Because this weeks anime was not. And let's face it, we all need our fix:) Arigato! Let me know when you publish and I'll link to your work in my profile:)
Oh yeah. Please review, or I'll send the Women's League of Anime Characters after yo ass:)