I am in no way privy to the legal rights of Portal and/or Ed, Edd, n' Eddy. This is merely a fanfiction constructed for amusement, experience, and other purposes similar to those previously listed. All lift walls mentioned below are paid stunt-walls, and were not seriously damaged/were repaired following this work of fiction.


There was, quite simply put, absolutely nothing else to do that day.

IF there had been something else, ANYTHING else, happening, Eddy (and, by extension, Ed) would not have agreed to the 'fieldtrip' Edd had requested companionship on. After all, weren't all of Double D's plans centered on education and everything boring? But to Eddy's extreme annoyance, his mind had utterly screwed him over this morning when Edd had suggested a tour of the nearby science facility. It had failed both in plotting a more interesting schedule AND in deciding against the expedition. After all, he had reasoned to himself, was there really anything to do that day besides driving all of the other kids nuts? That had never ended well. So in a way, this WAS pretty much the best thing he could come up with to do on a Saturday morning. Or so it had seemed then.

Now that he and his and his friends were standing waist-deep in a field of wheat waiting in the line leading to the elevator that would bring them to the lab beneath the ground however, Eddy was seriously considering hiking back to the Cul-De-Sac in the summer heat to see how many of Ed's sponges he could chuck at Kevin's window before ol' Shovel-chin tried to whack him to Singapore with a socket wrench.

The fact that they had been waiting for the facility to OPEN THE STUPID DOOR ALREADY for several hours did nothing to help his mood.

Nor did the fact that almost every other non-scientist in the line with them was a girl holding a trifold board and a potato.

Luckily for Ed (who was serenely swinging his arms back and forth with remarkable unconcern for the lack of progress made in entering the lab), the schemer of the group was fine with yelling just at the cause of his boredom. Well, technically Ed hadn't stopped them from going on the trip (heck, the guy had started jumping up and down when he learned that there were tons of robots in the stupid lab!), so he could be blamed as well…nah, might as well give the guy a break. Lumpy was a bit too far away for Eddy's voice to really have much effect as well.

"Remind me to NEVER listen to you again, Sockhead. I mean, COME ON! A three hour wait! It's like they think we've got nuthin' better to do!"

"We do have nothing better to do, Eddy. And please lower your voice, we are guests of the facility, and thus we should behave with the utmost respect for the sanctity of this building and the temperaments of our hosts. After all, few sane people would reinvite impolite miscreants back into their abode for another round of frustration and unneeded stress!"

"Oh yeah? Well last time I checked, I thought acting all stiff and polite was the host's job! And you know what's really polite? MAKIN' US WAIT FOR THREE HOURS! Unneeded stress, yeah I'm gonna take their unneeded stress, have Ed lick it and use it as a washcloth for three months, then shove it up their-"


"What, I was gonna say 'noses'".

"Oh. Oh my. I suppose that's fine…my sincerest apologies for having ever suspected you of…oh dear".

"What'd ya think I was gonna say?"

"Nothing, nothing…anyhow, back to the original point of our discussion, if you will. Now, as I was saying earlier, we must behave honorably! Chances are they are being delayed by extensive failsafe installations and double-checkings for the safety of those visiting the facility. After all, there is no such thing as being too careful!"


"It is a very large facility, Eddy. And I am quite aware of the increment of time since our arrival, this being the fifteenth time you've mentioned it."

"Wait, fifteenth? We've only been chatting for about ten minutes, Sockhead".

"But you've been arguing for three hours~!"

"Shut up, Ed".

"Can do, Eddy!"

"EDDY! Honestly, what are we going to do about your atrocious manners? Now, apologize to Ed!"

"WHAT? NO! Both of you can just go and see how many of those chicks' potatoes you can smush before they let us in the stinkin' lab!"

"Bu-But that's cruel! Downright immoral, in fact! Why, if Ed and I did such a thing, I would be driven to turn the both of us in on the spot!"

"I was jokin', Einstein".

"Nevertheless, I still expect you to take my words to heart and always remember that in a situation such as this, one should always listen to their better judgment and-"

"Strangle the nerd who's been lecturing them for THREE HOURS?"

"Again with the time references! Where are you even getting the 'three hours' from? You aren't wearing a watch or time-keeping implement of any sort! If I didn't know better, I'd think-"


And sure enough, it was. After THREE HOURS, the scientists and their daughters were beginning to enter the shack and travel down the elevator. Now that the door was thrown wide open, it was easy to see the little building's rather mundane interior…that is, mundane with the exception of the one-eyed robot hanging from its ceiling, which was currently greeting the visitors in a synthesized, decidedly masculine voice.

"Finally," Eddy grunted, giving an exaggerated show of stretching and yawning."I thought this place had burned down or somethin'. Better be worth the wait, Sockhead".

"Oh I assure you, Eddy, it WILL be! Aperture Science is of the top two research facilities in the world, though I understand that they have been experiencing some issues such as bankruptcy and the untimely death of the company's president and founder…"

"What, did he die from waiting in line for the stupid door to open?"

"Don't worry, Eddy!" Ed chimed in with a cheerful grin, somehow just as ecstatic about going to the lab as his scrawny stick-figure of a friend. "This place is cool, I can tell!"

Edd seemed to find his pungent friend's comment encouraging, and turned to him with an equally cheerful smile. "THAT'S the spirit, Ed! Now tell me, exactly what is it that you drew such a conclusion from? I am quite curious about what your first impression of this place was influenced by; am I correct in assuming that you were intrigued by the artificial intelligence located at the entrance?"

"That robot thingamajig is awesome! But I had a better way of telling how cool this place is before that door even came open," Ed replied, nodding sagely as Double D looked at him with bemusement and slight confusion. This response was also enough for Eddy to drop his indifferent leader pose for long enough to pay attention. "So tell us, O' wise one; what gave you the idea that this dump was cool?"

"It is not a dump, Eddy!" Edd automatically retorted before returning his attention to Ed. "Though I must admit that I agree with Eddy on my instinctive opinion of the facility based solely upon the admittedly quite lackluster appearance of its entrance".

"Like I said, Monobrow, the place looks like about as much of a dump a place can be without being your room," Eddy smirked, relishing the affronted glare Double D consequentially sent his way. Ed grinned for a few seconds in silent appreciation of his pals' ignorance; after all, wasn't it pretty much obvious what he was talking about? "But Eddy, how can a place be not-cool if its secret entrance is a PORT-A-POTTY?"

Though he would rather have waited in line for another three hours than admit it, the long early-morning wait had taken a toll on Edd's mental facilities just as it had on Eddy's temperament. Thus the hatted boy was struck with a bout of blank silence for a good twenty seconds while his brain tried its best to decide whether or not correcting Ed's mistaken assumption about the entrance being "secret" was more important than chastising his leader's executive decision to roll around in the wheat, cackling as wildly and as loudly as possible at Ed's comment. It didn't help that good portion of Edd's mind had decided that this was the perfect opportunity to appreciate exactly how choice the weather was that day; thick, grayish-white clouds eclipsed the glaring summer sun, yet not a drop of rain had fallen from the heavens the entire time.

One thing was certain; the weather was probably a topic best considered at a later time and under different circumstances.

"Geez, Ed, are ya tryin' to kill me, ya big lug?" Eddy sighed, wiping a tear from the corner of his eye and grinning like a lunatic, still chuckling despite his half-hearted efforts to appear detatched and bored (his bro HAD told him that that was how all the cool guys got their respect and reputations). Ed had no discernable answer to this question, as he was now thoroughly focused on the robot above the lift. It was hard to make out any definite details of its appearance, with the exceptions of its pinkish-violet eye and pair of spindly, claw-like arms, which were brushing the elevator floor as they dangled lifelessly. The construct itself, however, was most definitely activated, observing the trio of boys and the field of dry wheat they were marching through with a blank stare.

"Seriously, though, remind me to listen to ya more often, Lumpy," the shortest of the three chortled before throwing an annoying smirk back at Double D, who was trailing behind them slightly, still lost in thought. "And Sockhead? You can keep on reminding me to never listen to you again". Snapping out of his muddled stupor, the group's thinker frowned, looking to be quite offended with the order. "That hurt, Eddy! If you wanted to chastise my…admittedly less than splendid decisions as of late, you could of at least been a bit nicer! Though I must admit I am somewhat confused by your request," Edd continued, snickering at the nonplussed expression on his friend's face as the group haphazardly clambered into the lift, the heavy door to the outside world slamming shut, flooding their senses with scents of metal and chemicals that replaced the odors of nature they were previously privy to.

Eddy looked at him with unnecessary defiance, scowling lightly as the lift began its descent into the facility. "What's so complicated about it? 's not rocket science, Sockhead," he grunted as the lift shuddered to a stop at the "lobby" of Aperture Science. Though the spacious room was as whitewashed as the lift, its area was much livelier, the crowd of chattering scientists and their daughters surging past the help desk and a second welcoming robot into another series of lifts.

"Ah, but Eddy, please explain to me how I am to remind you of anything if you aren't supposed to listen to anything I say?"

Caught in the paradoxical nature of this statement, the greeting machine began to spark erratically, attracting the attention of the young woman managing the help desk.

Somehow oblivious to the malfunctioning A.I., the Eds stood aside from the bustling mass of people, the trio stacked on top of one another in an effort to find a lift that had enough room to transport all three of them as a group. The poor woman at the help desk would likely have shooed them towards the elevators to keep traffic moving if she hadn't been focused on fixing the spluttering machine. Much to consternation, however, it remained resolutely out of whack, alerting two harried-looking scientists to the source of the confused mutters emanating from the older members of the crowd. They plodded to the desk with almost comical exhaustion, looking down at the nervous secretary with tight lips and tired eyes. "What have you done to damage this Aperture Science technology, ma'am? Please answer as truthfully as possible, or we will be forced to escort you from the building".

"I-I didn't m-mean to do anything, s-sirs!" the young woman wailed tearfully, looking as though she were about to faint from sheer panic. "I d-don't even k-know what h-happened! It j-just started sparking a-and I don't k-now how to t-turn it off or f-find out what's wrong and-"

"Do not try to humor us, miss. With the recent exception of test subjects, Aperture Science does not hire amateurs".

"I-I'm not! This just isn't my usual p-post! I-I'm filling in for Caroline, cause this was supposed t-to be her post today, and I can't find her anywhere, and she's been under a t-ton of stress lately, so-"

"Eh, Caroline, you say?" the scientist murmured, shifting uncomfortably in his white lab coat as his companion stiffened. "I suppose it's fine if you took her place just this once…actually, do you know if you can manage this desk permanently? Miss Caroline has had an…unexpected retirement".

"And what exactly do you mean by that, sir?" the secretary inquired shrewdly, all traces of her former timidity forgotten.


"Come on, guys, it's quite rude to listen in on others conversations," Edd scolded, pulling Ed and Eddy towards a relatively unoccupied lift.

"Hey, Hey, HEY! You were listenin' too, don't try to deny it" Eddy retorted as the elevator began moving deeper into the lab. Ed, meanwhile, was being uncharacteristically quiet. Ever since they had entered the first lift, Ed had noticed that they were surrounded by girls. Icky girls. Icky girls who were annoyed by the long wait. ANNOYED.

If there was one non-monster related thing Ed considered himself an expert about, it was icky annoyed girls and their love of hurting Ed. And Edd and Eddy, as fate would have it. So the tall boy tried his best to remain as inconspicuous as possible, curling up into a ball and hiding under a heap of scrap metal stacked in a corner of the elevator. Eventually, however, his natural curiosity overwhelmed his survival instincts, and he poked his head out of the rubbish pile, causing the jumpy Edd to shriek in surprise and promptly tumble to the floor.

"Hey guys, what floor are we stopping on?" Ed asked, peering down good-naturedly at his hatted friend, who looked for all the world as though someone had run a strong electric current through him.

"I-I believe all guests of the facility are to d-disembark on the bottommost floor, E-Ed," the skinny boy mumbled, picking himself up off the floor with as much dignity as he could salvage. Eddy's roaring laughter wasn't helping the matter in anyway whatsoever, though it stopped the moment Double D's words had sunk in.

"Wait, so we're stuck in here for how many floors, exactly?" Eddy couldn't help but feel worried at the prospect of another long wait.

"Hrm…," Edd sighed thoughtfully, doing a few quick calculations in his head. "…Well, if my predictions are correct, then there are anywhere between one hundred and seven floors to one hundred and fifty-eight floors. I also suspect we shall be stopping on each floor to load and unload passengers, so-".




When a group of accountants boarded that lift a minute or two later, they were greeted by the strange sight of a very nervous group of girls, a small boy lying unconscious on the floor of the elevator (who was apparently being guarded by a pair of taller boys), and a rather large, head-shaped dent on the wall of the lift.

This being my first story, I have no idea what I should type here. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens. Pens.