Warning: crack.
Rated T for mentions of sex, language(it's in Alfred's POV), and...everything else.

The Eight Sides of Matthew Williams

I woke up one morning to the weirdest sight ever. That's probably an understatement, even though I put a ton of emphasis into that, but you get my point, right? I mean, I know I tend to forget about Canada a lot, but I don't go hallucinate another seven of him.

"Oh, great, Sleeping Beauty's awake," one of the Canadas standing over me said. "I was worried one of us would have to kiss him." This Canada was wearing a red hockey jersey for some team I didn't care about. His indigo eyes were sharper than usual behind his glasses.

"I think he looks cute when he's asleep," another said. He was wearing a loose red shirt, which was mostly covered by a large stuffed bear that he held in front of him. His cheeks were flushed pink and he refused to meet my eyes.

Okay, I'm confused. Why are there two Canadas? I'm pretty sure there was only one of him last night... Damn, I need to stop getting pot from Lars.

"I think he looks tempting to maul when he's asleep," a third Canada said decisively. He wore a red uniform and a fierce look, which reminded me of something... Hm...

Hey! I remember, it was the War of 1812! "Dude, I didn't know you kept that uniform," I said to him, grinning. I sat up, momentarily forgetting about the situation. I do that a lot. It's not my fault. It just happens.

But seriously, why were there three of my brother?

And...why was I naked? Oh, right, I had some fantastically-awesome sex last night. Still, I don't remember there being three Matts. Did I have a foursome? Nah, I would have remembered.

"The ditzy look on your face tells me that you don't get it," the first Canada spoke.

"Huh?" I mumbled. Eloquent, that's me.

"I'm Snarky," he said. "This is Moe," he gestured to the second Canada. He turned to the third Canada and paused. "This is...well, we don't really know his name, so we call him 1812."

"Are you guys, like, aliens?" I asked, frowning. "Did you abduct Mattie and probe him and clone him?" I didn't like the thought of anyone else probing Mattie. Only I was allowed to do that.

1812's eyes suddenly narrowed. "What was that?" he demanded. Oh, whoops, I guess I said those last two sentences out loud. My bad.

"I said, if you guys are aliens, you better not have probed Mattie," I repeated, even though I didn't like repeating myself. " 'Cause I'm the only one who can do that," I added with a proud smile.

1812 jabbed me in the head with his gun. Wait - holy shit, he has a gun! And it's a big gun. Damn. Not that I'm scared or anything. Totally not. "For the umpteenth time, I do not want to become one with you." Haha, it's a little too late for that, buddy.

"Probing isn't that bad, right?" Moe asked. For some reason, he was now curled up beside me. "I mean, you just poke the person around, right?" He pouted cutely, as if he was frustrated that he didn't get it.

Now I get why they call him Moe. Nice word play, I must say.

Snarky - haha, that's a funny name - cut in before I could explain what I meant exactly by 'probing.' "We're not aliens," he said. "We are the...different sides of Canada, I should say."

"Right, right. I completely believe you," I said, nodding in mock seriousness. Ha! As if I was really going to believe that!

"You believe us?" Moe squeaked. He smiled and kissed my cheek. "Thank you, Al, we thought it was gonna be a lot harder to explain." He looked really happy. What the heck? I guess he didn't get my sarcasm.

"He doesn't believe us, Moe," 1812 said. He was still glaring at me. And he was still holding his gun.

"Well, duh," I said, rolling my eyes for effect. "I'm just really, really high from all that pot that me and Mattie smoked. I'll wake up soon. Or maybe England fucked up with his magic again."

Snarky chuckled. "If you say so," he said dryly. "In the meantime, I think you should meet the others."

"Others?" I echoed.

"Mhm. There's five more."

"Holy shitcakes. Eight of Mattie? That...would make one really screwed up orgy."

"Watch it!" 1812 smacked me in the head with his gun again. Hm, I really need to start keeping some thoughts to myself.

"You really need to put some pants on," Moe interrupted with a giggle.

So, a pair of pants and a shirt later, I was trying to get used to the fact that there were eight of my boyfriend/brother(I really don't mind call him either). I was trying to find my glasses when the door opened and the fourth Mattie strutted in.


He was holding a spatula in one hand and was clothed in nothing but a red apron that said, "Kiss me, I'm Canadian!"

I'm pretty sure I'd love to do more than just kiss him.

"You're awake!" he exclaimed when he saw me, and I swear that I saw a flash of his French tendencies in those pretty eyes. "Just in time for my pancakes." He winked. I noticed a white thingy sticking out from his mouth. Oh, he was sucking on a lollipop.

"That's Lust," Snarky said, stepping beside me. He handed me Texas, which I thanked him for. Once I slipped my glasses back on, I could see much more clearly. But there were still four Matthews in the room.

"Man, you guys have weird names," I stated plainly. I was a little distracted by Lust's bare butt as he walked out of the room back to the kitchen, but I made my point.

Moe tugged my arm towards the door. "I'm hungry," he whined with a pout on his face.

I followed him to the dining room, because what kind of hero would let a damsel go hungry, you know? So yeah, I followed him. But on the first step I took out of the bedroom, something tackled me. I let out a very manly wail as I went down.

"I'm sick of people mistaking me for you, America!" Oh, look, another Canada was on top of me. Something gleamed in his hand. A knife? "I hate you!" He shrieked, violet eyes wild. He raised his arm over his head, and I realized that he was going to stab me.

Snarky, thankfully, stopped him. Moe pulled me out from under the crazy-Matthew with surprising strength and proceeded to whisper assurances. "Sorry, he gets like this," Moe mumbled to me.

"He tries to kill people on a regular basis?" I asked incredulously.

"Well, just you and England," Moe said. "We don't like it when people mistake us for you, but poor Snapped...well, one day, he snapped. He seems to really dislike you and England, though..." He bit his lip.

Wow. A part of my boyfriend wants to cut me up with a knife. I'm learning so many new things today!

"All right, who let him out of his room?" Snarky was asking. He was rubbing Snapped's back comfortingly.

Moe tightened his arms around me. "I did," he piped up fearfully. I didn't have to turn around to know that his eyes were pooling with tears. Mattie tends to cry of the silliest things. "I'm sorry, I didn't know that he'd try to kill Al..."

"Moe, you know that Snapped can't be trusted out of his room without supervision," Snarky said, his tone condescending.

"He wasn't!" Moe protested. "English Canada promised me he'd watch after him."

On cue, another Canada appeared in the doorway. This one was wearing a blue dress shirt, black vest, and black dress pants. Strangely, he didn't have any glasses on. "I'm so sorry!" he gasped. "He told me that he wanted me to accompany him for a walk outside, but he escaped the moment I opened the door!"

"Has anyone seen Emo?" There was another Canada. Man, my head's starting to hurt. There were too many of them to keep track of! But when I saw him(or, what he was wearing), my jaw dropped. 'Cause there was my Mattie, my precious little Mattie, dressed as a pirate. He even had a big hat and everything!


"Last time I saw him, he was in the bathroom," 1812 answered.

"I bet he was cutting again," Snarky grumbled.

The seventh Canada sighed and muttered a few curses under his breath. He sheathed his scabbard(whoa! When did that get there?) and walked past us to look in the bedroom.

"Take Snapped with you!" Snarky called. Snapped rushed forward without anymore preamble to join the pirate.

"Who's that one?" I asked.

"That's Pirate," Moe said. He smiled. "I think he's really cool. I want to be a pirate."

"You guys have really creative names," I said. I was kidding. I'd have named my personalities something cool, like Alfred Number Two. Or something like that. I'll come up with something cooler later.

"Why, thank you," Snarky said dryly.

"Anytime," I replied. "But why is he here?"

Moe piped up helpfully, "He lives here, of course!"

"No, I meant, why is he here here?" I revised. "Canada didn't have pirates." If he did, I would have to force him to wear one of his old pirate uniforms, 'cause it's pretty sexy.

Something sniffled behind me, and I turned to see the eighth Canada. "I did too," he said indignantly.

"No, you didn't," I said.

"Yes, I did."

"Nah, I'm pretty sure you didn't."

"Yes, I did, you bastard!" he suddenly screamed. "What would you know, anyway, you bastard! You were too busy with Arthur to ever notice me!" Ouch. That stung, bad. At least he wasn't like Snapped and had no lethal weapons on him.

"Aw, Emo, don't cry," Moe cooed(oh, the irony), stepping forward and taking what I assumed was Emo into his arms. It looked a little weird, two Matthews holding each other. "You've been locked up in your room for too long," he told the other. "Alfred loves Matthew now. Right, Al?" He turned to me expectantly.

I answered quickly. "Of course I do!" I exclaimed. 'Cause that's the truth. I love my little Canuck, no matter how many split personalities he seems to have."

Emo still looked at me distrustfully, and I was going to say something to assure him, but then two arms wrapped around my torso and groped me from behind. "Ah!" I yelped.

"Lust!" came a reprimanding voice almost right afterwards. It was English Canada to the rescue! "Get off him, please."

Lust released me hesitantly. He pouted, which English Canada met with an even glare. "I was just wondering when he'd finally join me for breakfast," he said sulkily, and I noticed that he wasn't completely naked this time. Hm, to be disappointed or glad? Decisions, decisions. Haha, that sounds like something Arthur would say.

"If it's pancakes, I'll join you right now," I told him solemnly.

"When is it never pancakes?" Snarky huffed, but followed us to the dining room anyway.

I swear I almost fainted when I smelled the pancakes. They smelled so good! Well, even better than usual. I don't know. They just smelled awesome.

I think I wolfed down about four stacks of pancakes. All of the other Canadas trickled in the kitchen eventually and watched me eat the pancakes with a bit of fear. Except Lust, who was sitting beside me. He was too busy trying to grope me. (Not that I entirely mind.)

"You're groping him, aren't you?" English Canada deadpanned from across the table. He didn't even look up from his plate.

Lust shot him a feral grin. "What gave you that idea?" he purred. "I'm not."

"Uh huh." English Canada shot him a scowl.

"You're just jealous that I haven't paid any attention to you today," Lust said. "Isn't that right, little English Canada?"

Oh, ew. They were acting just like France and England. Except they both looked like Matthew. Ew. Ew. Excuse me while I burn my eyes with acid.

"If both of you keep this up," Snarky said, though he was blushing, "soon we'll have a ninth Canada named Narcissist running around."

"Fine." Lust turned to me instead, grabbing my arm. "Al and I are going to have some very special quality time in the bedroom." He shot a challenging stare at English Canada. "Anyone's welcome to join~!"

I was pulled out of my seat. "Wait, I'm not done eating yet," I protested through a mouthful of pancakes.

"I want to have very special quality time with Al!" Moe said enthusiastically, getting up after us. Clearly, he didn't get the innuendo. Emo followed him, practically hanging from his arm.

Lust stopped and waited for Moe to catch up. He grinned widely. "Anyone else?"

1812, and Snapped looked at each other. "Hate sex?" they both said at the same time. They both nodded and got up.

"I'd like to prove that perverted tendencies aren't all in this relationship," English Canada said, rising.

Pirate smirked at me, which sent hot tingles down my spine, and said nothing more as he got up as well.

Snarky was left. He sighed. "Well, as they say, if you can't beat them, join them." He glanced at me warningly. "But like you said, this is gonna be one really screwed up orgy."

And I was dragged off to the bedroom by eight of my boyfriend.

. . .

Somewhere in England...

Arthur Kirkland, under the heavy hood of his cloak, frowned down at his spell book. "Well, Francis isn't a frog yet," he muttered to himself, glancing sideways to where the Frenchman was tied up in a cage.

Arthur shrugged before turning the pages to find another spell. "I must have used the wrong spell," he said to Flying Mint Bunny, who hovered nearby. "I wonder what it did, though..."

A/N: I don't know what this is, but it sure was fun to write. XD Please excuse the unoriginal names I gave to Matthew's different personalities. I couldn't think of anything else and didn't want to name them "Bob" or anything that sounded too human. o.O

If anyone didn't get it, Moe is Japanese slang word that's used to describe something cute. Since Canada's just a little bit moe in my mind, I named one of his personalities Moe.

And personally, Pirate's my favorite. ;)

Hope you enjoyed~