A/N: I honestly don't know. In the mood for some angst I suppose. And is it wrong to think that Remus is sort of devastatingly beautiful when he is all angsty, while Sirius is lovely when affectionate and worried?
Disclaimer: *too tired and distracted to put witty disclaimer* I own nothing.
Provoked With A Touch
Remus tries not to let things like this get to him. After all, Sirius has always been the type that is over affectionate, seeking contact with an arm thrown over his bony shoulders, or with their sides pressed flushed together, no space available for even air to come between them. Sirius is the kind of person that needs to touch, that needs to be touched. Remus thinks it has something to do with the fact that Sirius never gained much affection from his family, and so he craves it in every relationship he has. So it doesn't mean anything when he throws himself across Remus' lap (always eager for attention), or when he presses his face against the hollow where Remus' neck meets his shoulder (usually when bordom has overtaken him), or when he leans in, so close, and presses his forehead against Remus' to share a joke (and this… this one Remus can't really explain; it seems too intimate). It doesn't mean anything when he lunges forward suddenly, and places a sloppy, careless kiss against Remus' cheek out of pure joy, or when he nuzzles close at times, allowing his breath to fan out against Remus' sensitive neck as Sirius sleeps.
It doesn't mean anything… to anyone but Remus.
Remus sighs wistfully, trying to cut off his train of thought. He's in History of Magic right now, and he should be paying attention to the professor as he drones on and on about Goblin Rebellions and wars that should never have gotten so out of hand. But Remus can't focus, not right now, with Sirius dozing off on his shoulder. Usually Sirius would be causing some kind of mischief with James, but now, with James dating Lily, the messy haired teen has been on his best behavior (at least when in public, in places where Lily can call him out on his stupidity) and so he doesn't often cater to Sirius' need for mayhem.
Which leaves Sirius to treat Remus as if he is a human pillow.
And which leaves Remus thinking of how these touches, every contact that Sirius seems so casual with, mean something different for Remus than they do for Sirius.
Sirius suddenly mutters something against Remus' neck.
"What," Remus asks, turning his head. The movement is enough to make Sirius' head slide off of his shoulder to rest against his upper arm.
Sirius mutters again, opening one stormy, sleep-hazed eye as he does so. "I can hear you thinking, you know. So bloody loud, you wanker." He shuts his eyes again. "Quiet down. Stop thinking so much," he tells Remus, and he slides his head up again so that his nose is buried against the sensitive skin of Remus' neck.
Remus wants to shut his eyes, to revel in the touch and to allow himself to drawn in it, to allow himself to imagine, just for now, that it means the same thing for Sirius that it means for him. Instead, he shakes his head, and turns to face the professor once more. "I can't just stop thinking," he tells Sirius, not bothering to turn to face him as he does so. It wouldn't do Remus any good, to see Sirius all sleep tousled and beautiful. It will only make things worse. "I'm not like you, you git. I actually pay attention in class. Not everyone can be naturally brilliant like you seem to be." The words come out sort of tense, a hint of bitterness behind them instead of the usual fond playfulness. Remus prays to Merlin that Sirius doesn't notice.
But it seems as if Sirius has a habit of paying attention to things when he shouldn't. He raises his head once more, his curious grey eyes meeting Remus' brown ones. Sirius' brows furrow, and he reaches out with one long, slender finger to touch Remus' cheek. "What's wrong Moony," Sirius asks, voice serious (no pun intended) and worried. "You look kind of sad."
Remus chokes on his own tongue, and his cheeks turn crimson. "I'm fine," he manages to get out, his throat almost unbearably tight. And when the teacher stops speaking suddenly, looking over at Remus and asking if he's alright, Remus makes up some excuse and runs out of class.
He can't keep this up.
It's getting to be too much.
He's beginning to want more than he should. He should be thankful for everything that he has already. It is more than he deserves.
But with every touch from Sirius, he wants more than he should; more than he can ever have.
Loving Sirius is just too hard.
It's easier to run from it than to face it and be devastated.
He ignores Sirius calling to him as he flees.
A/N: Well… there you go. Please review and let me know what you think