If It Kills Me, by V0ID

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Ecstasy.

More potent than the glow of joy he got from seeing Nunally's smile.

Less bewildering than the spark of happiness he felt at a certain red-haired girl's laugh.

A slight prick, then an indescribable feeling. This was unadulterated, fresh and raw. A rush of pure pleasure, just...soaring... until the memories hit him with gargantuan force, some of which his mind had discarded to be replaced with the current ones of suffering.

The cruel metal girders under his hands melted into soft cushions as the drug first traced him back to times with Nunally and Euphy were happy and thriving.


Creating a palace of their own from pillows and blankets, not a care in the world. Nunally, being the youngest would often stumble over the monumental piles of fluff, only to be helped up by her loving brother's gentle hands. When they finished, a lopsided mound of cloth and feathers became their house, Lelouch the father and Euphy his wife.

"But you haven't had a wedding!" insisted Nunally, and after begging the palace kitchens, the cooks gave each of the royal children a piece of cake, telling them to keep it a secret.

Euphy scolded her older half-brother, who was against the idea of the wedding and had tried to quickly scarf it down. "Don't eat it yet. Wait for us to have ours too!" The grown-up Lelouch could taste it's sweet cherry frosting on his tongue, despite how in reality he was lying intoxicated a dirty construction zone, plaster dust coating it instead. The fine, gilded marble paving the ground didn't betray the gritty dirt his feet were actually touching.

In his delusions, Nunally orchestrated the ceremony, and when she said that he may kiss the bride he brushed his lips on her cheek, causing the girls to burst into laughter.
"What did I do wrong?" he asked, confused and taken aback that they would laugh at their brother.
"Lelouch you weren't actually supposed to kiss her!" giggled Nunally, her tiny voice weaving into the present as Lelouch wished he had gotten a chance to when they had been older.

Those thoughts were drowned under the waves of another memory. However, this time the colours were less vivid, and a throbbing ache was beginning to form behind his vacant eyes.

The thrill of destruction, Tokyo Settlement in shambles as the infrastructure didn't stand a chance. The itch of laugher in his chest crescendoed into gales of maniacal cackling, the glorious fallen prince bringing down a symbol of hate. As the taste of anxiety was quelled by the demands of battle, Lelouchs vision faded back to the nightmare that was his life, where Euphy was dead by his own hand and Nunally was the enemy. Confused between which was real, he tried to stand, stumbling as double vision made everything swim. Eyes closing, he could still taste the last traces of cake frosting on his tongue.

Cheesecake...yummy... was the last thought to cross his still drug-affected mind as a dopey smile crept over his mouth. Unknown to him, the numbing illusions had kept him in the throes of mental instability for almost the whole day, no doubt causing his friends to worry.


One of his knees bloody, he must have fallen over and not known it, for when the blurry fog in his mind cleared he saw an unknown woman standing over him. Disappointed and scared, she snatched the empty Refrain container from the ground.

"Lelouch! What the hell is this?" the now recognizable woman yelled.

Trying to find the right letters, it didn't help that his mouth was bone-dry, no doubt from the strange white powder he kept having to spit out.

"K-Kallen...it's n-not what-" having to stop as a force equivalent to a sledgehammer concussed his head like a pointed stake, driving all words out of him mind and leaving only one option; to clench his teeth and freeze with pain, not caring that she was still talking to him.

A stinging blow across his face, nails and all brought him back from the murky stupor threatening to overtake his vision.

"Don't give me excuses, Lelouch! I've seen it a million times before! My mother, I'll have you know, is an addict, something you'll soon become if you don't suck it up and act like a real person." despite her anger, tears formed in her eyes, and though she refused to free them they still were there, desperation and disgust.

He never realized that he was looking at her dumbly with his mouth agape all the while she was talking to him.

"in case you haven't noticed, you have an entire army thats nothing without Zero. So quit lying in the dirt like a baby and be the fearless leader everyone thinks you are!"

Trying to defend himself, he managed "But Nunally...Nunally hates me.."

"What about Japan? What about the the Japanese? Get your priorites straight, Lelouch. Or, should I say, Zero."

Lelouch didn't hear the last part of her tirade, for the Refrain was still in his system and he passed out again, slumping over with a contented sigh.

Kallen was trying unsuccessfully to move him from that position and Rolo, having followed her there, witnessed the one-sided argument between the two.

"Big brother! Lelouch!" Rushing to the older boy's side, Rolo was concerned at the sight of blood and how he didn't respond when his name was called. The panicked boy turned to Kallen with a look of pure concern.

"What's wrong with him? Why is he bleeding? I've got to get help!" After turning Lelouch on his back and checking for a pulse, he turned him to the side as to not swallow his own tongue. Lelouch giggled a little in his unconscious state whenever Rolo touched him, and it was a strange sound to hear from the man who planned to destroy the world. The desperate boy was mortified at the tinny sound, even more at loss for what action to take.

Strangely touched by Rolo's reaction, she tried not to let it show when she answered him. Good job making Rolo upset, Lelouch.

"This idiot took Refrain...and a pretty big dose too, so it will probably wear off by tomorrow when he wakes up. The real problem is what to do with him until then. I mean, everyone from Ashford has gone on that stupid trip, so maybe we could take him to the hospital."

Calmed down considerably but not liking the direction this was taking, Rolo hated that that option was impossible. Despite putting on a cool exterior, he couldn't stand seeing his beloved older brother in pain.

"I don't think so. The OSI would definitely get suspicious when they learned about it. Besides, why would the excellent student Lelouch Lamperouge take drugs? If this got out it could also hurt his reputation at school, so we better not let anyone know."

After all other possibilities were exhausted, they decided on taking him to Kallen's house, figuring her step-mom would be out, and the following morning she could just say that a few friends had stayed the night. Ignoring all of their plan's implications, Kallen assisted the other boy in moving his brother to a taxi, and after such a journey they would soon reach their destination.


Don't do drugs:)

The update schedule for this story is unknown, as I'm pretty busy with my main one In the End and I'm doing little short stories on the side.

I got a new idea for one called Demon or Death with Kallen as the main character. I'm not sure how long it will take to get out or if I will even write it but it's a possibility...yes...yes

This will be updated after all of this 4th of July madness is over... along with my short story. Sorry for any inconvenience.