Sad one-shot rambling of River Song's thoughts as she sacrifices herself in Silence in the Library. Please review because I will give you all a free bowtie PLUS a fez if its good one. Warning: Contains a small spoiler for AGMGTW. You have been warned.

Disclaimer: I own Doctor Who. Well okay, I don't. I do own a plastic sonic screwdriver though. Yay! ^-^

His face was so young yet he acted more mature. She wasn't sure she liked that. She missed his unkempt hair and his bowties and his flirting. It left a dull ache in her chest and she wondered how early this was for him.

"Crash of the Byzantium? We done that yet?"

That was fun. Well okay, maybe her mother almost got killed, which would create a huge paradox that would mess up with ninety six percent of the universe and mean she never existed, and she was surrounded by thousands of Weeping Angels, but hey, worse had happened.

Then she looked at his face. Blank, not any affection. Not even suspicious, which she had become used to of late as bits of the Doctors memories were chipped away one by one.

"Obviously not ringing any bells…"

She kept the waver from her voice. This had happened many times before. So why did it hurt more each time?

"Ah… picnic at Asgard. Have we done Asgard yet?"

That was beautiful. It was the day the Doctor became Her Doctor.

She looked up hesitantly. She clung on with a fragile, pathetic hope that she would see a different expression, a weak longing that he would say "Of course we have!" and kiss her like he used to…

Or at least a smile.


"Maybe not…"

It was harder now. Was this The Day, The Day she had lost sleep over, the only thing she ever feared? The day when she would fondly recall past adventures and even old jokes and just get that look.


She was screaming inside now. She said something about did he know her.

"Of course I do!"

She wished the words so much she almost imagined she heard them. For one wild, gleeful moment she actually believed she had.

"Who are you?"

Reality shattered her into a thousand broken shards. The Day. She looked down and was surprised she hadn't collapsed into a pile of dust. She choked back a sob and looked up to see the Doctor had gone.


The first stage of grief. Denial.

Wasn't she stronger than this? She had prepared herself for this day, every time the Doctor came she committed each moment to memory to remember to keep herself going on this day.

She played them back the whole time. When they ran holding hands. When they kissed. When they simply flirted and joked and squabbled. She used it to keep her going when they ran far apart and he questioned her with distrust and he stared and stayed serious and silent.

Blankety Blank Doctor. No. Her Doctor.

And in the end, it was more than just her imagination. She was saved to the memory and her crew were there yes, but CAL had created something special. Someone special. It had taken up a lot of her memory to create such a complex being but she had succeeded. There were the three people she loved the most.



Her Doctor.

They knew her and she knew them.

And his face was never blank again.

What do you think? Okay? Note: I'm not 100% certain on the quotes, I just based them on what I remember. Cookies and bowties and the occasional fez to all who review! :)