Reasons to Forbid

[There is a reason as to why Pain forbade the Akatsuki members to have one-night-stands with prostitutes, desperate housewives, and just the plain female gender in general…]


Ding-dong. Ding-dong.

The incessant bell continued to ring loudly through the whole lair, quickly being accompanied by frantic and stubborn knocks. Pain growled at being awoken from his midday nap; and seeing as none of his completely and totally lazy and worthless subordinates were going to open the door, the leader of the Akatsuki dragged his tired ass to the said door and yanked it open furiously.

At the other side of the door stood a pretty looking brunette holding a bundle of seemingly wailing cloths close to her chest. Pain glared her down and snapped impatiently, "What do you want?"

The brunette glanced down meekly before thrusting the bundle into the arms of the unexpecting orange-headed male. "Here, take him," she whispered softly.

Pain raised an eyebrow and glanced down at the bundle, seeing that it was a baby… that frighteningly resembled Hidan… a lot. Slightly nervous and honestly kind of scared to ask, Pain questioned, "Why the hell are you giving me this child?"

"The baby's name is Haru… and, well, the father should be here…" The brunette whispered. "You see, I'm really poor and I can't take care of Haru anymore, Haru's father, Hidan, told me he lives here… so, I'm sorry, I just can't take care of him anymore! Goodbye Haru, mommy loves you!" With a last desperate and tearful cry, the brown-haired woman turned around and fled back into the forest.

Pain couldn't help but wonder just how the hell the girl managed to find the hideout.


Pain barged into Hidan and Kakuzu's room, looking livid with murderous intent boiling in his eyes. Seeing Hidan lying stomach-down on one of the beds while reading a leather bound book with the words 'Jashin's Bible' sewn in red string on the front, Pain thundered to the albino's bedside, all the while carrying the bundle delicately in his arms and ignoring Kakuzu's incredulous stare as the miser looked up from counting his money.

"What is the meaning of this?" Pain roared. Hidan lifted up a finger to say 'Hold up fucker, let me finish reading this sentence first' before book-marking the page and surprisingly gently placed the evil Bible on the drawer next to the blood-stained bed.

"What the fuck are you yelling about now?" Hidan asked, rolling magenta eyes.

Thrusting the bundle out at arms-length, Pain yelled out hysterically, "I mean this!" He shook the still wailing baby around a few times for emphasis.

"Oh, Aito came by already?" Hidan shrugged before taking the baby from his hysterical leader, "Hey there Haru, what's up?"

Kakuzu looked somewhat amused as Pain screamed out, "YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?"

"Of course I did, asshole."

"And… and you told the girl our address so she can deliver the baby to us?"



Hidan looked surprisingly calm as he held the boy in his arms, "I can't fucking do that. It goes against Jashin." Suddenly, Hidan got this knowledgeable look on his face, as if he was about to teach Pain a very valuable lesson. "Jashin fucking said, do not leave the mother of your child when she needs your help."

Pain whimpered.

"Oh, by the way," Hidan looked up, a smirk on his face and a gleam in his eyes, completely proud of himself that he managed to shock his every-stoic leader, "twelve more ladies are gonna come by sometime today, apparently all of them can't take care of my fucking children."

Pain started frothing at the mouth. And then everything went dark for him.


The first thing Pain saw when he woke up was Konan hovering over him, looking both amused and worried. The first thing he heard though, was the cry of several unwanted children (and Tobi) and explosions arising, oh, and just the plain sound of chaos.

Sitting up dazedly, he looked around and almost fainted again. There seemed to be tiny Hidans all over the place, some were dangling from the ceiling fan, some were harassing Tobi, some clung to Deidara and shouted "MOMMY!" much to the chagrin of the blonde and the amusement of his redheaded partner, most were prodding Kisame and Zetsu in unwanted areas with looks of completely wonderment and bewilderment decorating their small, chubby faces.

"What… wha-?" Pain stammered out, holding his chest in shock, he was fairly certain that he just lost ten years of his life.

Konan sighed, "Well, when you passed out, several more woman came by with children in their arms. Five just left their babies on the porch. And since the children were just too adorable to turn away, we decided to let them stay here for the time being."

"What…?" Pain stammered out, still in shock.

Konan groaned in frustration and was about to explain again when she was interrupted by the girly squeal emitting from the blonde terrorist. "DON'T TOUCH ME OVER THERE!" Deidara screamed girlishly while jumping around, trying to rid of the tiny albinos holding with an iron grip on his cloak and neck. "DANNA, SAVE MEEEEE!"

Sasori just chuckled and shook his head, amusement clearly etched onto his delicate features.

"How many children are there?" Pain asked, exasperation coloring his tone.

"Oh, well since one of the mothers had twins, another had triplets, and two of them had sextuplets… Hidan has twenty-five children." Konan answered after doing a quick mental calculation.

"What the fuc-?"

There was a crash as Itachi came out, running after a screaming Hidan-miniature with a crazed and deprived look on his face. "You remind me of my foolish, younger brother, Sasuke. There is only one difference. Do you know what you lack? You lack… the chicken-butt hair. If you have the chicken-butt hair, you would look exactly like Sasuke…" Itachi mumbled, arms outstretched as he tried in vain to catch the crying three year old.

Just as suddenly, Kakuzu came out, chasing three other small Hidans, an insane look in his emerald eyes as he ran after the three babies who were holding a huge suitcase. "GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY YOU BITCHES!"

Hidan chased Kakuzu around the room, waving his scythe madly in the air while screaming profanities a mile a minute, "DON'T FUCKING CURSE AROUND THEM, ASSHOLE! THEY'LL PICK UP YOUR FUCKING BAD HABIT!"

"What a hypocrite," Konan said, rolling her orange eyes.

Suddenly, the door bell rang and Sasori went to get it, seeing as he was the only one safe from the insane babies. There, standing on the other side of the door stood a woman holding out three fishy-looking, Kisame-duplicate babies.

Pain saw this and screamed out, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


Pain woke up, panting. Glancing around frantically, he realized that it was just a horrible, terrible nightmare. But to make sure that this never actually happens in real life; he rang up a meeting the next day, and forbade everyone from having sexual intercourse with any females.


In retrospect, Pain should've known this would've happened.

Because he banned all the members in the Akatsuki to have sex with girls, he should've seen this coming.

All of his subordinates decided to go homo on their partners.

The worst part?

Pain is a homophobic.


A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this.

Review, ne?