Actually this is the original story of Back to Future Little Jin which is written by Tama. Hate to say it, but this story reflects my own life in so many ways.
Hope you can enjoy reading this! ^-^
Masochist in Love
It's painful to leave someone you love behind. There's nothing else to do, only tracing recollection of nearly forgotten memories. Some activities, which are used to be done together, are awkward to do alone. Those activities tend to be pointless. In addition, no matter how hard you had tried, but you'll find it difficult to forget the one you left. It lasts forever, yes, your love for the one lasts forever.
It's also painful to loose someone, whether you love or not. Even though there is nothing changed but the emptiness of it—the unexplainable gap and throbbing heart— is quite excruciating, killing. It is getting worse if you obsessed the one you lost. Day by day, you will realize the world would never be the same.
Both of them, leaving and losing the very beloved one, are my mother's problems and she still couldn't face it. I really hated her for doing that and how her problems dragged her sanity away in the recent years.
Where should I start?
It started long time ago, since I was a little baby. Well, that what uncle Lei has told me. I couldn't trust him 100 percent, but I have no other choice left, haven't I?
My mother walked out from my father's life. She thought their lives were so much different and dangerous. My mother has always led a peaceful life while my father didn't. So, she left him. She brought me and left my father. However, leaving him made my mother suffered more.
She definitely regretted it, hoping she could turn back the time to be with him. She tried many ways to reach him. Unfortunately, when she decided to be with him once more, she couldn't have done that. She was too late for fixing everything since my father had been gone. Some witnesses told that my grandfather had thrown my father's dead body into a volcano, demolishing every piece of him.
Many people felt pity on her, talking about her every time she met them. They said my mother was a poor woman, having a baby without any marital status, leading a hard life, and so on and so on. The list could be longer that I could hint at. Nevertheless, everything was fine. Everything was fine until I reached 6 years old.
My mother began hitting me. She was frustrated one day, and she hit me. She did apologize, but she repeated the day after. She slapped me many times, crying, and slapping again. It was quite annoying at first but….
It became a new routine for me up until yesterday.
My mother's habit of beating her only son, which is me, has transformed me into a masochist. That's right everyone. I'm a masochist. One day without her beatings or another hit from anyone else makes me shivered, wanting to be beaten. I couldn't imagine living without beating. I hate myself. I mean, I couldn't live like that. Being as a masochist is the wrong idea.
I had tried all way to cure myself but I failed. There's nothing more satisfying than my mother's beating on my body. I feel disgusted, I feel so low, but what could I do? What should I do?
However, I keep it a secret, of course. I hide my real personality under a very cold demeanor. I lead my life simple, without any connections with many people. In fact, I don't like having friends. Having friends only makes my life harder. They would love to go to my house and found it strange enough. Have I told you that my mother and I are living inside Yakushima Forest for years? It's not common to have such friends coming and saying I'm such a weirdo. Well, I've never regretted my life and how the way I have lived until I found a lovely girl.
I'm fifteen years old by now. At my age, I must be a junior high school student, right? That's right…. I just had finished my junior school. Talking about that lovely girl… I just have found a photo in the newspaper. She is a very funny looking person with talking panda. Do you believe that? The talking panda thing is surely the stupidest thing ever, but I love the way she smiles in the photo. Well, wish I could meet her someday…. Perhaps she could fulfill my emptiness….
"What are you doing here? Man! Look at that thing!"
"He's alone in the middle of the blood! Hey! Are there any murders here? Son, you've got to leave this place!"
"Fetch him and take him away! Oh, God!"
What the hell are they talking about? I don't want to leave. My mom is here. Even though I couldn't find her body but I believe she's still here with me. Look at all these bloods around me. She is still here. I don't want to go away. I'm waiting for her. She'll be here in minutes and slap me. Even getting better, she might punch me and kick me. That would be so enjoyable.
Dammit, they want to take me away from my mother…
"Look at the note in his hand…. It's Heihachi Mishima? Do you want me to take you there?"
I hate hearing people talking to me. I want to make them close their mouth. Mind your own business, people and leave me alone!
None could live by himself or herself. Everyone needs everyone else. That's the law of living. That's correct. However, I hate the way another people intruding my life. They only think of their own perception without listen to anyone's argument, like me.
Those fucking men, they didn't listen to me.
They dragged me away to an old man in his big mansion in the city. His name is Heihachi Mishima. He's the owner of Mishima Zaibatsu. He believes I am his grandson. Yeah, right. Where have you been in my whole life anyway? Suck my ass old man. I don't like his eyes most. I think he's got something nasty behind his sleeves. Who knows?
He said he would take care of me and guard me, replacing my mother. Damn you, my mother is still alive. She'll come here and take me with her. She loves me and she'll always love me. She'll come and pick me up one day. All I have to do is believe that day would come.
Nowadays I enter a new school. I enter Mishima Senior High School and tell you what? I met the girl I like in the newspaper picture. I meet her at school, that's true. However, I met her at the first sight in here, in Mishima Mansion. That old man introduced her to me. Her name is Ling Xiaoyu.
Ling Xiaoyu… She's got something that disturbs me, actually. I don't like the way she look at me. Her big dark eyes which are so cute—I didn't say cute. No, it's a mistake. Her eyes are ugly. Her funny face, her loving smile and soft voice annoy me so much. No, she's much different from what I've seen in the picture. Yeah, what can I expect?
Xiaoyu is a very cheerful person. She spends her time in sport clubs. Many students like her. Well, they obsess her. I don't give a damn. It's her life.
Things are getting worse when I realize that she studies in the same class with me. I believe she spends most of her time looking and watching my back. It makes me chill, irritating. I hate her. I loathe her. I don't want to see her.
"How could you do that Jin?"
Gosh, what have I done? I didn't believe it myself. I kissed her and she was so angry, slapping me twice in the same cheek. This morning I called her to the attic, saying she is rubbish, annoying me only and I want her to stay away from my sight. She hesitated that I need her, and I said I didn't. She said I was the one who always looking at her. We argued and then I suddenly kissed her mouth, which is soft and tender. Guess what? She slapped me hard. Twice.
I still feel her hands on my face. It feels the same with my mother. Her warm hands…. Forget it. She is just an annoying girl. I couldn't imagine having her as my girlfriend if I were still—a masochist. Who wants to be a girlfriend of a masochist?
Fine! She's not annoying and she's very cute. I had tried to forget her but it is hard thing to do, believe me. And I had just made her angry. Oh, shit…. Things couldn't be good these days….
"I knew you just had lost your mother…. Are you okay now?"
Is she out of her mind? My mother is alive somewhere. Blah, I don't care what she has in her mind anyways. She might think of anything and that's never my problems.
"Jin, I'm so sorry to do that to you, would you forgive me?"
No, I don't care what you said, Xiaoyu. I said mind your own business. She didn't give up. She was still trying and trying to get my attention. I love it.
"Do you want to go the new park, Jin? I have two free tickets with me!"
All right everyone.
We spent some times together. She smells so good and warm. Her little hands guard me anywhere, guiding me. Her lips are warm, and soft. We kissed again and she didn't slap me that time. All was fine.
Recently, I'm thinking differently. Can she take me as her boyfriend? I knew I'm a bit different with another boy, but can she accept me? Perhaps I should open those fucking magazines, finding how to cure my masochist tendencies. Okay, in one article, it mentioned that true love could heal anything. It sounds cheesy and impossible, but I want to trust it.
I have been through the whole 2 days without hurting myself and I'm very wrecked down. My emotion is quite unstable and all I have in my mind is not good. Damn, why this thing couldn't be easier? Don't give up, I still have much time and I won't be defeated. I had sworn that I won't give up this time, especially after what we had done last Tuesday.
Xiaoyu and I had spent our first night together. She must be the loveliest girl alive with that perfect body and perfect everything. She wrapped me, kissing me. I kissed her too. Both of us were too nervous yet we desired for each other too much.
She hit me. She hit my back when I kissed her. Fuck, that made everything blurred in front of my eyes. I kissed her harder and harder, wishing she would hit me again and she did. Hit me again, Xiaoyu, hit me again, I whispered to her.
"Jin… Jin…. Jin…. "
I love the way she called me. I felt alive.
"Damn, did I hurt you that much?"
The marks when we made love, the black and blue marks of beatings, made her worried. I only smiled and kissed her again, tasting her mouth. Forget it, I said. There's nothing you should worry. I love the way you beat me, Xiaoyu.
She chuckled and we kissed again and again. She might think I was only joking. No, the way you hit me was the best part of our sex.
The rest of week was surely fun, I can tell. We rent videos, walked together, amusing ourselves, practicing our fighting skills and other things. I felt like I were normal person with normal life, except in the practicing. I let her hit me many times in purpose. I knew I should stop it, but it was hard. I want her to beat me. Yeah, that is wrong. I love her and I should heal myself. Next time I won't let her hit me anymore, no matter how good it will be.
I must be a normal person without this masochist—thing. Hope one day Xiaoyu and I—and mother could live together. Yeah, that will be much fun. My mother will like her. Her smiles could melt anything. I hope I could forget the whole satisfaction of getting beaten down and such.
Dammit. I never imagine life could be this hard.
There must be an end of everything. There is nothing last forever. I mean, you couldn't keep loving or hating someone for a long time. There must be a break. There must be a separation. That was what I have in my mind when Xiaoyu called me to meet her alone.
"Jin, there's something I must tell you… It won't be good."
What is she trying to tell me? Did she notice my black and blue marks on my body are the results of several beatings? Fuck… I shouldn't let those punks kicked me that hard 3 days ago. My heart is jumping erratically and that's bad. I hate that.
"You know I love you right?"
I couldn't help myself smiling. She's so nice. If she wanted us to be just—just like before, that's fine. I can get that, Xiaoyu. I knew I'm too nasty for having such beauty like you. You are something I couldn't imagine. You're such an angel, making me happy. I always knew happiness couldn't last long. I love you too. It's okay to let you go. Do you hear me? It's okay to let you go.
"I love you so much, Jin. I couldn't keep this anymore…."
I knew it, dammit. You knew I'm a fucking masochist and you couldn't be able to handle my issue. That's fine. I will forget my dreams of living with you. I will forget everything about us. I will forget that I had wanted to take you to my mother.
"I knew it will hurt you…."
Damn, how much will it be hurt? Her dark eyes make my heart shattered. Fuck her. Fuck Xiaoyu.
"I love you, Jin… I love you… That's why I must tell you this…."
I said I love her too. I said I could accept anything, including losing her. I said it's okay if she didn't want me anymore. I'm a freaking person with freaking habits. I knew none loves me that way. That's why my eyes widened when I heard her words.
"Do you still want to be my boyfriend if I told you that I were a sadist?"
Thanks for reading!