Disclaimer: Grr! Argh!
Summary: Spike and Clem are talking about women over a drink and a cigarette.
Pairing: Spuffy implied, Clem/surprise demon
A/N: That conversation just popped into my head. Just nonsense, really, and not at all the story I wanted to publish as my first Spuffy, but whatever. There it is. At least this one is done, unlike all the others that are still waiting for me to start or finish writing. Have fun!
"And then she said: 'Well, Clem, no offense or nothing, but you're just not particularly scary.' Said she only dug scary. I just don't have any luck with women."
"That's too bad, mate."
"I always have to choose the ones I can't get. Why is that?"
"Raise you. I'm in love with the Slayer."
"Oh Spike, but that's fantastic!"
"You're over Drusilla now, aren't you?"
"Never liked her that much. If you ask me, she was a bit of a nutcase."
"You don't say."
"And now you're in love again! Isn't that worth celebrating? No more moping about old what's-her-face, right?"
"But she's the Slayer! How can I be in love with the bloody Slayer?"
"Well, she is rather pretty. If you're into the whole 'human' thing, I mean."
"Clem, I'm a bloody vampire. Vampires and Slayers don't work, everyone knows that."
"But she hasn't staked you yet and you haven't managed to kill her either. Clearly, it was meant to be."
"You know, for being a demon that's at least trying to be all scary to impress a bird, you sure are a goddamn romantic."
"Do you think that's the problem? That's why she doesn't like me? I mean, sure, demons aren't supposed to be nice and stuff, but I can be really dangerous. Hey, I've got a great idea! You tell her I beat you up real good! A-and that it's the third- no, fourth time that's happened! She hangs out at Willy's a lot-…"
"Will you please shut up? We were talking about me and Buffy, for Christ's sake."
"Oh, right. Sorry."
"The bint doesn't even like me, you know. Not even a tiny little bit. She's all: 'Oh no, you're an evil, hateful vampire! You're evil and I hate you!' And I get it. I mean, 's not like I bloody asked to fall in love with her of all people. She's insufferable, really."
"But you're all chipped-up, Spike, doesn't that count for anything?"
"Counts as 'would kill people if he could'. Which I would, so technically she's right 'bout that one."
"Doesn't give me a chance to be nice to her, either, she's so stubborn. And then with that pouty lip of hers and the bloody teasing. No wonder my brain is all wonky."
"You've been helping her, though."
"Yeah. Her and her sodding Scoobies."
"I always wondered where they got that name."
"And don't even get me started on the Scoobies! Talking 'bout 'if eyes could stake'! Don't like that lot. They're stupid. Gotta like the Scoobies 'f you want Buffy to even spare you a glance."
"Can't you pretend to?"
"What? With that incessant Xander prattling about? No way!"
"So, what else can you do then? If you don't like her gang and don't really like her either and still want to kill people…"
"I don't bloody know, Clem! That's why I'm telling you."
"Oh, but I'm really not that much of a lady's man. Don't know how I can be of help… Though I'd like to, really, Spike. You deserve to find some happiness after all you've been through."
"Right. Happiness with the Slayer. Good sodding luck with that."
"Hey, where're you going? I thought we might play another round of poker later. Brought the kittens and everything."
"Not really in the mood, mate. Plus, I'm fresh out of kittens. Lost a game against Belga and his boys last week. Haven't had time to get some new ones."
"You could have one of mine…"
"Nah, thanks and all, but it seems to be a telly kind of night. Maybe catch Buffy patrolling, annoy her for a bit."
"Well, at least you have a plan."
"See you, Clem. Been nice talking to you."
"Sure thing, Spike! Oh, and – er – Spike? Could you maybe talk to her for me?"
"Halfrek? Are you bloody crazy? Do I look like I want to spend my weekend trying to kiss up to some decade-ago one-night-stand who's also a vengeance demon? What do you want with her?"
"She's just… I really think we have a connection."
"Trust me, Clem, you really don't."
"You think? Yeah, well, goodbye, Spike. See ya next Thursday?"
"Yeah, yeah. If she hasn't staked my by then."
"I'm sure she won't!"
"Not so sure 'bout that…"
"Spike, Spike, Spike. Never a dull moment around that guy."