Author's Note: Hey guys! I'm updating because I have re-discovered the Spiderwick series and, frankly, 70% of the fanfiction for it is total, utter crap. (20% is incest. 10% is tolerable or good.) I can't believe how many Mary Sues are running rampant on the Spiderwick Fanfiction page; therefore, I am writing this. A lovely, Mary-Sue inspired parody to ease (or increase) the suffering of people like me, who believe in real fanfiction and not your bubbly, dimwitted, googly-eyed Mary Sues (whom the main characters, I.E. Jared and Simon, seem to always conveniently fall head-over-heels, jump-in-front-of-a-freight-train for).
Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be writing fanfiction if I were Holly Black or Tony DiTerlizzi.
WARNING! If you have an OC for the Spiderwick Chronicles, please don't take offense. This was actually mainly written for fun after I saw all of the terrible OCs out there. This does NOT MEAN that I am taking a stab directly at you, or that I am trying to cut you down/hurt your pride or your OC in any way. Though if I am so close to your OC that it causes you personal discomfort, I would suggest re-imagining the OC. Or the story. Whichever one floats your boat.
If you flame me, I will use your comments to roast marshmallows.
The Adventures of Mary Sue: Spiderwick Edition
Chapter One: Mary Sue Meets Her One True Love
It was a lovely day out on the Spiderwick estate. The sun was shining, the sprites were dancing, the magical ponies were singing, tra la la. All was perfect.
Jared Grace was inside baking chocolate and raspberry layer cake with his brother Simon. "I don't know, Simon," Jared was saying to his twin. "I just feel so—"
The oven timer dinged. "That's the cake," Simon trilled. He slipped on his Hello Kitty oven mitts to pull the warm cake out of the oven.
"Yes, yes," Jared said, waving a nonchalant hand in Simon's direction. "As I was saying, I've been feeling so warm and fuzzy inside lately. I think it's my One True Love." He whipped his head around to look dramatically out the window. "I can sense her. She must be close."
Simon clapped a hand on Jared's shoulder. "Me too, Jared," he said, equally dramatically. "I know she's out there. She must be."
The two brothers stood in silence for a moment as they stared longingly and beautifully off into space. Then Simon jerked back to life. "I think the cake is cooled," he said. He pulled a can of frosting out of thin air and started icing the cake. After a few seconds, the cake was finished, not a smudge of icing out of place. It sparkled a bit.
"Very nice," Jared said, admiring the cake. Simon wiped his frosting-y hands on the Hello Kitty oven mitts. "Thank you. It is quite beautiful, if I do say so myself."
Just then, the doorbell rang. The two brothers gasped in unison, looked at each other, and looked back at the door. Who could it be? Jared and Simon's feet pounded against the wood floor as they sprinted for the front entrance. They threw the door open to reveal none other than two breathtakingly beautiful girls. The girls were obviously identical twins, like them. "Hi," said the twin on the left. "My name is Mary Sue Marybell Marysue Marybeth Insertfruitylastnamehere, an this is my sister, Maria Sue Mariabell Mariasue Mariabeth Insertfruitylastnamehere. We just moved in next door."
Jared and Simon were surprised, but overcome by the girls' beauty. They decided not to ask where an extra house randomly popped out of nowhere from. After all, they only lived on a few acres of land surrounded by a forest. Nothing to worry about.
"Wow," Jared said. He was awestruck by Mary Sue's beauty. It rivaled Heidi Klum. It rivaled Helen of Troy. It rivaled… well, you get the point.
Simon, on the other hand, was captivated by Maria Sue's beautiful blue eyes. Simon felt like he was drowning in the depths of aquamarine ringed by robin's egg blue and a little bit of pink and purple with flecks of gold and sparkles and stars. Maria Sue's eyes seemed to tell him her whole life story with just one glance.
"You're so stupid, Maria Sue!" her mother screamed, slapping her across the cheek for no real reason whatsoever. "You're too perfect! So is Mary Sue!"
"Ugh!" Maria Sue whimpered. "I'm so sorry! I know it's all my fault!"
"What's all your fault? This crappy flashback?" her mom asked. "Uh, yeah, sorta, I guess. Look, I'm just here to gather pity from the readers for you. So I'm randomly abusing you for, like, no good reason. Yeah."
"Oh, Maria Sue," Simon whispered, falling to his knees in front of her. "I'm so sorry." Maria Sue burst into tears and embraced him.
Meanwhile, Jared and Mary Sue were happily talking. Of course, Mary Sue had gotten Jared to spill all of his innermost thoughts and secrets within the first five minutes of their acquaintance. Never mind that Jared is a somewhat secretive, angsty, slightly dark character. Mary Sue could do everything. She was Mary Sue, of course. And since Mary Sue was technically the author placing herself into the story, she could get the author's favorite characters, Jared and Simon, to open up to her in seconds.
At the moment, Jared was telling Mary Sue about the Fey. (Who cares that it was the biggest secret Jared has ever had to keep? Who cares if he could be thrown in an asylum for it? This is MarySueland, of course, silly reader.) Mary Sue giggled when Jared started talking about elves and faeries and such. "Oh, I already knew that," Mary Sue said. "I'm a natural redhead, see?" She flipped her bright red hair and batted her eyelashes at Jared. Instead of being disgusted, he was even more drawn to the gorgeous girl.
"Mary Sue, I… I just really think you're the most beautiful and intelligent and clever and sweet and interesting and funny and amazing and wonderful girl I've ever met. Marry me, please." He pulled out a ring from his pocket (the one he'd been saving for just such an occasion) and held it out to her. Mary Sue gasped. "Oh, Jared," she said. "It's beautiful. Where did you get it?"
"The Jared Diamond store down the street," Jared said. "I own it. Why else would it be called Jared?"
Mary Sue just tackled Jared happily.
Next to her, Maria Sue and Simon had gotten engaged similarly.
"Where's Mallory?" Maria Sue asked of Simon. Simon shrugged. "Probably cheating on her multiple boyfriends with other multiple boyfriends. She might actually not be here. The author made her a slut to give the readers reason to hate her, then kind of deleted her from the picture. By the way, how did you know I had a sister named Mallory?"
Maria Sue giggled. "I'm the product of the author wishing she could go into the Spiderwick Chronicles and marry Jared or Simon," she explained. "I know everything about you."
Then Maria and Simon kissed in a sudden, out of character, extremely random wave of passion.
"Where's your mom?" Mary Sue once asked Jared in confusion.
"Right here," Jared said. His mom materialized randomly behind him.
"Oh!" His mother squealed. "She's so pretty! I approve totally. Even though I didn't really get to know her. Go on, get married and be happy!"
"Thanks, Mom," Jared said. Mrs. Grace nodded exuberantly and disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Later that day, as Mary Sue, Jared, Maria Sue, and Simon were sitting in the parlor, murmuring sweet nothings to each other, the doorbell rang again. "I'll get it," Jared volunteered. He opened the door to see none other than Uglyrath, Mulgarath's cousin. (He's the new villain—to give the story an inkling of depth so that readers will grit their teeth and force themselves to read.)
"Why, hello!" Uglyrath said. Jared's jaw had fallen open and would not shut. "Would you like to buy some—oh. Well, this is awkward."
The door was slammed unceremoniously in Uglyrath's face. Uglyrath frowned, still clutching his box of Ogre Scout cookies. "That was rude."
Jared walked back into the living room, a bit shaken from his strange encounter with the new villain. Mary Sue ran up to him. "Who was it?" she sobbed. "Was it Uglyrath? It was, wasn't it?"
"Yes," Jared said gravely. "He wanted—"
"He wanted us, didn't he?" Mary Sue cried. "Me and my sister!" (Maria Sue nodded vigorously here.) "He wanted us for our super-strong sparkly magical girl powers that are more powerful than anything else and could destroy the whole world! Right?"
"No," Jared said, looking with a bit of confusion at his fiancée. "He wanted me to buy his Ogre Scout cookies."
"Oh. That too," Mary Sue said, retreating back to the couch.
A few hours later, it was time for the wedding. Mary Sue's dress was a gorgeous cream color with gold and clear sequins all around the base of the skirt and fading up the dress. Gold ribbon was draped intricately around her waist so that it created beautiful rippling designs. The top of the dress was a gorgeous rough silk with red satin designs and gold embroidery. The dress had frills and ruffles around the edges, with touches of lace doilies and bows and crap. (Insert another paragraph of the author rambling about the wedding dress in great detail here.)
Maria Sue's wedding dress was pure white—white as snow, white as fluffy clouds with rainbows coming out of them. The top of the dress was strapless and satin. It had delicate beading across the front. The beading made nature designs, if one looked closely enough. The top ended at about mid-hip, but was pulled upward at the side to drape at her waist. The skirt was white satin with a sheer fabric covering it. Beading ran up the side of the dress in leaf patterns. Maria Sue wore a gorgeous diamond necklace that was quite obviously enchanted—passed on from her faerie ancestry, no doubt.
As Mary Sue and Maria Sue walked up the aisle (and as the author forgets that weddings normally require a lot of planning, bridesmaids, groomsmen, guests, food, and money) Jared and Simon could not believe their eyes. They could not imagine that they were being married to these beautiful girls, with their gorgeous red hair, amazing eyes, know-it-all-ness, and breathtaking singing voices to boot.
The girls came to a stop in front of their husbands-to-be. The minister gave the vows, the girls repeated them, and then it was the boys' turn. But then, just as the Grace brothers were about to say "I do"—
Everyone whipped around. Three very panicked-looking Grace kids were sprinting up the aisle. The author of the story, who had placed herself in one of the pews in the audience, gasped. Jared Grace—the one who had just come running up the aisle—grabbed his Fanfiction counterpart by the shoulders and shook him hard. "What are you doing, man?" Real Jared said. "You can't marry this stupid girl!" He gestured to Mary Sue, who gave a small noise of indignation. "You're freakin' eleven years old, man. I'm not even sure if that's completely legal. Same goes for you, Fanfiction Simon. And you!" He pointed to Uglyrath, who was sitting in the audience. "Get outta here. I'm pretty sure that Mulgarath doesn't have a cousin."
"I'm hurt," Uglyrath sniffled, but he left after Real Jared gave him a death glare and pointed a finger towards the door.
"Hey, Jared," Real Mallory called from behind him. "Don't be stealing the spotlight all for yourself. We've got stuff to say too, ya know."
"All right, all right." Real Jared stepped down to allow Real Mallory and Real Simon to speak.
"First off," Real Mallory said commandingly, "I'm not a slut and I don't have multiple boyfriends. In fact, I don't have any boyfriends. I have one possible crush on Chris the Captain. Besides that, I have no love interests."
"I prefer animals to a girlfriend right now," Real Simon put in helpfully.
"Yeah," Real Mallory said. "So you, Author—" she hopped down from the stand to grab the author, who had been trying to sneak out of the building unnoticed—"You can take your little harebrained ideas of putting yourself into our story and making it go the way you want it to go—"
"You can take those ideas and shove them," Real Simon said. Real Jared pushed through his siblings and held up a menacing fist to the author. "You have ten seconds to get out of here or get your face bashed in," he said. "Ten… nine… eight…"
The author was out before Real Jared could count to seven. Mary Sue and Maria Sue disappeared just as the author scuttled out the door.
"Well, that problem's solved," Real Jared sighed. He exchanged a glance with his siblings. Real Mallory as the next to speak. "Come on, guys. On to the next one, I guess."
They walked out of the door, leaving a very confused Fanfiction Jared and Fanfiction Simon in their wake, wedding tuxedoes ruffled from Jared's shoulder-shaking.
"What just happened?"
Awwrighty, guys! I hope you enjoyed it!
Please review! Reviews make my day! Also a free house-cleaning from Thimbletack for whoever can guess what Uglyrath and the Ogrescout Cookies is a reference to. (Namely the part where he goes, "Would you like to buy some—oh. Well, this is awkward.")
Happy summer! Enjoy it while it lasts