Disclaimer: Velvet Goldmine belong to Todd Haynes and other people, and I am not among them. This story was made for fun, not gain anything with that.
Summary: Brian make some reflections of his relationships.
Ships: Curt/Brian, and a little Brian/Mandy
A.N.: Well, English is not my native language, beautiful people. But I know that most people who read fanfic material of Velvet Goldmine speak English, and therefore I'm posting this translation. My two beloveds Beta corrected my harsh mistakes in English, but is still not free of errors. :)
Rated: T, for some innuendo.
Thanks: to my two sweetness beta readers: my beloved friend Bells, who make the betagem of the beginning of the fic, but stayed with no time :(
And for my little angel Ariane, who kindly make the betagem of the rest of fanfiction.
Thanks so much, darlings!
By Mychelle in a Wonderland
Brian Slade never thought too much on his relationships. He was not a person dedicated to love. Not that he did not believe it, but Brian was one of those people who cared more about his career, what it would be, instead of looking for a person to share this with him.
He believed that love a person could be fleeting or last forever, but he did not think that he had to work to keep a love alive, and did not realize that words spoken in ange still keep hurting even after receiving forgiveness, and he thought that fidelity was something trivial.
He discovered this early, in his first relationship. In adulthood, he didn't remember anymore the name of the girl, but he dated her for two months, at fourteen. She was very pretty, was a good kisser and he liked talking to her. But when she saw Brian kissing a boy of the school, make a scandal, saying that she had given herself to him, trusted him and he was a scoundrel who had betrayed her for no reason.
It was there that he began to have the vision that took over most of his relationships, that doesn't matter how he carried himself, the other person would always be superior to him, for caring, trusting him while he was, using the words of his first girlfriend, "a fag and unfaithful bastard."
Because of that, his next relationships were passengers, and he didn't cling to the person, wheter a girl or a boy. Everytime he tried to take it seriously, something similar happened, and he again felt that he was worst than all of them.
He almost thought he was wrong when he met Mandy. She was beautiful, witty and just as dirty as he was. He felt good with her, like he never felt with anyone before. She understood his obsession with becoming a star, and more than that, was willing to help him get there. And like him, she thought that sex and love were not always related, so she didn't charge him for fidelity.
And he loved her, even though for a very short time. Because he soon realized he had again made the mistake that was chasing him. Now he was famous, surrounded by agents, employees, fans and, of course, Mandy. But he could tell by the looks, the censored and sideway glances, how much she cared about him, his thoughtless acts. He noticed some stares silently judge him. He noticed her eyes hurt when he said something cruel, noticed the quiet "I was just worried about you".
And once again, he felt like a jerk who didn't deserve to be truly loved by anyone.
But one day, when his agent Jerry made the simple question of who he most wanted to meet in America, and he uttered those two words, "Curt Wild", his loving conceptions would suffer a new collapse.
Actually, Brian never thought of falling in love for Curt. Sure, Curt was beautiful and attractive, and Brian wanted him, but never thought he would get so deep in that relationship.
He only realized to be hopelessly in love when Curt, in a restaurant and in the presence of Jerry, looked into his eyes and said, "You could be my main man."
And at the beggining, he thought again that it would be one more case where he didn't deserve the love dedicated to him. But Curt was completely different from anyone Brian had ever related to. Curt was not like the people around him, as his wife and his agents, that despite enjoying the success and follies with him, had at least a small portion of responsibility, care and concern, always remembering Brian that they were better than him.
Curt definitely wasn't like that.
He was completely irresponsible. He was crazy. Didn't care a damn about what others thought of him. Didn't tried to hide his defects and exalt his qualities as most people, and seemed to, in a somewhat disastrous way, do exactly the opposite.
Brian could look at Curt and count his numerous defects.
And he loved him by each one of them.
At that time he understood the meaning of the phrase "You like a person for their qualities, but you love them for their defects." He liked Curt's beauty. He liked his voice and his music. But he loved his impulsiveness, his recklessness, loved all the defects that formed that irreverent and crazy creature.
He loved him because he saw in Curt an equal. Someone so cretin and ordinary as himself. Someone who, in the midlle of a crazy sex , while moaning and squirming, he could open the eyes, see his closed eyelids and his hair glued to the sweat of his face, and know that when he opened his eyes and smiled for him, could see the same sins.
Curt was his equal. Not better or more responsible than him. Friends, lovers, brothers. Each day of coexistence Brian discovered a new defect, and fell in love even more.
They would rule the world, Brian just didn't know how yet.
But the problems started. Exaggerated jealousy, the "Who are you to charge me something? You're MARRIED!", the words spoken at the moment of the fight, that weren't forgotten with the hug and apology of the next morning. The eyes that now contained grief and the uncertainty if Curt had noticed that. The drugs with an increasing force. After another of the numerous fights, he thought he just didn't care anymore. With nothing about Curt.
Until the day in the studio, where everything happened. Brian couldn't tell what he felt. It was a mixture of feelings that had been plaguing him recently; it was rancor, resentment, anger and passion, and maybe even love. As in all the other fights.
He took long to realize that that was the last fight. When he saw him leave the studio that way and hit the window, Brian just thought that that was the most terrible fights of all, and how the hell they could top that.
Brian just realized it was the end in the next day, when, with eyes swollen from lack of sleep and excess of cocaine, he distinguished Curt reaching the apartment where they lived. Passed without looking at him and left some clothes in the room. Brian even thought about opening his mouth to say something, but gave up when Curt gave him a quick look and said "I will not stay and watch you kill yourself slowly, Brian" ,with eyes full of sorrow and a feeling that he couldn't define, and wanted to believe it was love.
And from watching Curt leave, Brian realized that had again made a mistake. Curt was not his equal. Going away to not see him in such a state, he learned that Curt was superior.
But he didn't care as at the other times. Brian discovered, when saw the limo leaving, that what he felt for Curt was indisputably love. That love was perfect in
its imperfection. And that he ruined everything in a way that not even he understood very well.
And even without understanding how he fucked everything this time, a solitary tear ran down his face.
N.A.²: Well, I wrote this fiction some time ago, but only now I can post it.
Thanks for reading and I wanna reviews! :-)