This was my donation for the FANDOM AGAINST FAMINE complication. Thank you to all that donated to the cause. Thanks go to Snarkymuch, Mary-Alice-Brandon-Cullen and Gredelina1 for their usual awesomeness in the pre-reading stage. Also to EvilPumpkin for beta'ing this for me.

Chapter Three of I'm Only Sleeping is the Cullens journey to and arrival in Forks. This is my parody version. Enjoy.


Laugh For A Shadow

Jasper POV

The flight to Seattle passed mostly in silence, each of us lost in our thoughts of Bella. We had eventually decided - against Rosalie's protests - to hold off on contacting Edward until we had seen Bella and had more information. Though we were too polite to say it, none of us could be bothered to listen to him gripe about how hard it was to be immortal, rich and talented.

Plus his hair products needed their own commercial freighter to ship and we didn't have time to wait. The shit.

I forced my mind away from those thoughts and focused on Alice. She was sitting beside me, her knees pulled up to her chest, pushing her breasts up and giving me a nice view of the goods. She might not have a lot up top, but what she did she sure made the most of. I knew she was searching for hints of the next series of Vampire Diaries – she was a total addict – but I thought her gift could be better utilized looking at the stock market. She had blown a fortune on the credit card recently and we were a bit short on cash.

Looking for Bella would also be helpful, of course.

"Why can't I see?" she cried after yet another failed attempt.

"Try opening your eyes, darlin'," I suggested. "I find it helps."

She opened her eyes and her emotions switched to delighted. "It worked!"

"I knew it would," I said smugly. It wasn't easy being the smart one in the relationship but I managed.

We were able to avoid most of the crowds when we landed; our natural predator charms kept most people away and those too stupid to see that were scared off by Emmett shouting, "MAKE WAY, VAMPIRES COMING THROUGH!" while snarling and snapping his teeth.

Emmett and Rosalie went to rent cars, and the rest of us waited outside for them. Much sooner than I had expected they pulled up in front of us in an SUV.

"Rose dealt with the clerk," Emmett explained. "I think he's in the back room jacking off right now."

We shot along the roads at a manic pace. Such was Esme's fear for Bella that she didn't comment on the speed, in fact she urged Emmett onwards by smacking him around the head and chanting, "Faster monkey boy, drive fucking faster!"

Despite our haste to get there, when Rosalie pulled up outside the hospital I felt trepidation from us all. We didn't have long to contemplate this, however, before a foul stench reached us and Carlisle groaned.

"What's up, Dad?" Emmett said sniffing the air. "You got gas?"

Carlisle rolled his eyes; no matter how many times it was explained to him, Emmett still hadn't quite grasped the difference between humans and vampires. In fact he insisted on shaving every morning, despite the fact his hair hadn't grown in over eighty years.

"The wolves," Carlisle said, but was unable to explain further as there was a group of smelly young men approaching us and he needed to fix his hair. He pulled out a mirror and comb and arranged his quiff into an 'I am vampire, hear me roar' style.

"What are you doing here bloodsucker?" one of them lisped.

"Quiet Paul," the tallest man said then turned to us. "I'm Sam Uley, Alpha of the new pack, this is Paul and Jared." He gestured to his companions. "My life partners and bedfellows."

"Pleased to meet you," Carlisle said. "This is Esme, my bitch, and my children Emmett, Rosalie, Alice and the Southern one I can never remember the name of."

I bristled with annoyance; that was the last time I fixed his tax returns for him, the ungrateful ass. Over three centuries on the planet and a doctor to boot, yet he still couldn't add past ten without taking his socks off.

"Look, pups, I don't know what you are doing here, but my little sister is in that hospital and we need to get to her." Emmett said. "And I need to see a doctor too. I think something is wrong with me, I haven't pooped in over eighty years!"

The wolves growled, but Carlisle cut in before it could escalate. "I apologize for my son's rudeness, but as he said, we are in a hurry. I imagine you know Bella Swan has been injured and we want to get to her."

Their emotions suddenly became a confusion of guilt and anger. Their stance became defensive and my curiosity was piqued. They were hiding something. I was semi-curious about what they were hiding but didn't get a chance to ask before Esme lost patience.

"Screw this!" she said and picked up a stick. "Fetch!" she called and the three boys shot off after the stick.

"Well done, Esme," Carlisle said approvingly and led us into the hospital.

He approached the front desk and after a few moments' tense discussion with the receptionist and the promise of sexual favors in the near future she directed us to a side room to wait for Bella's doctor.

We only had to wait a few minutes for Bella's doctor to arrive, and he greeted Carlisle warmly, kissing him on each cheek. "Dr. Cullen, your reputation precedes you. I know Forks Community was sad to see you go. Apparently you and your lovely wife threw the best swingers' parties in the state."

Carlisle shrugged off the flattery and asked for an update on Bella's condition.

"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "In my medical opinion, she's screwed."

Esme gasped, but that may have been more to do with the fact the doctor was running his hand up her leg than his news of Bella.

After a few more minutes of medical talk between the doctor and Carlisle - and heavy petting between Esme and the doctor - we were led to the third floor where the ICU unit was housed. The scent of the wolves was strong here too, but there was another, more familiar scent: Bella.

She had always had a very distinctive scent, like boiled eggs and cabbage.

The doors to Bella's room were glass, but there was a curtain blocking our view. "It's okay to go in," a nurse spoke from the desk behind us. "You can only stay fifteen minutes though, any longer than that and we charge rent."

We nodded our thanks and stepped into the room. At first I thought we had come to the wrong room. The pale, emaciated girl lying in the bed couldn't be Bella. She was always so full of life, so vital, so noisy. It was a rare occurrence to be more than thirty seconds in her presence without her offering everything from money to sexual favors in return for being changed into a vampire. This person was lying still and silent - in fact it was quite a pleasant change.

"Oh Bella," Alice said sadly. "Look at your hair! You have split ends – have I taught you nothing?"

"Be fair, Alice," Rosalie said. "She is in a coma, and besides, the split ends take the focus away from the zit on her nose."

"Girls, don't be cruel," Esme said reprovingly. "Use your talents for good, give her a makeover."

"Awesome idea!" Alice said happily, moving to Bella's side and rooting through her purse for her makeup bag.

Rosalie joined her and began tugging through Bella's tangled hair with a hairbrush.

"I wanna help," Emmett whined.

"Here Emmett, you can plug in the curling iron," Rosalie said.

He tripped forward happily, seized a plug in the wall socket and tugged.

Pandemonium broke out, the ventilator stopped working – that was the plug Emmett had removed – and the machines beside the bed started beeping frantically.

"Oops, Emmett said ruefully.

"It's okay son, it happens to me at the hospital all the time," Carlisle said, approaching Bella. "I've found that if you press this button here on the monitor the noise stops and sooner or later a nice doctor will come, sign a few forms and then they move the patient to a new room." He pressed the button and the irritating alarm ceased.

"Strange thing is, after they move the patient to a new room I don't see them again. They come in, cover them with a sheet and take them away never to be seen again."

This is my coven leader, I thought incredulously. We are so fucked.