The Time Russia Almost Caused an International Incident Between Lithuania and East Germany

a de-anon from the Hetalia Kink Meme. I have no excuse.

"This is, in Yaponiya's land, what I think they call a … fetish outfit?"

Lithuania stared in disbelief at Russia, and at the garment in his hands.

"Yes, that is what it is called." Russia smiled. "You will wear it, Litva, yes?"

"No," Lithuania said, going a bit pale in horror.

"Yes?" Russia pressed. "It is not so different from what your friend Pol'sha likes to wear ..."

"That's him. This is me," Lithuania shot back.

Russia's smile was going a bit frozen around the edges. (If one looked carefully one could actually see the frost.) That kind of look was more likely to end in Russia threatening Siberia on a country's people than anything more pleasant, so Lithuania tried to temporize: "Isn't Yaponiya an evil capitalist allied with Amerika's imperialist hegemony? Why are you taking suggestions from him?"

Russia looked at the outfit in his hands, then back at Lithuania. "It is cute," he said with a shrug. "I would like to see you in it. Should we not strive to please each other as comrades?"

Lithuania grit his teeth at this argument. Oh yes, Rossiya Toravishch, absolutely. This non-Party member would be happy to please you! But he couldn't bring himself to actually be that sarcastic, so instead he just said, "I - guess?"

"Then you will wear it," Russia said happily.

"No!" Lithuania cried.

"Yes," Russia said with a stare and a smile that shot right through Lithuania's spine and gave him a wicked tremor.

"Yes," Lithuania said in a tiny voice.

"I'm so happy!" Russia handed the outfit to Lithuania. "You will change immediately."

Lithuania sighed and went to the room he shared with the other Baltics to change.

It was frilly. It involved petticoats and an apron and a ruffled white 'hat' that covered his hair. It barely covered half his thighs. There was a breeze where breezes had no business being. Lithuania was not sure if it freaked him out even more that it did not have darts at the chest. (This was actually made for a male to wear?) It came with high heels and knee socks decorated with ribbons.

Curse you, Japan! he thought viciously.

Elsewhere, Japan sneezed.

"Did somebody just say something bad about you?" Greece asked.

Japan sniffled.

Lithuania opened the door to the room and stood there for no less than five minutes trying to force himself to take a step into the hallway, flushed straight to crimson.

"Litva? Do I need to come get you?" Russia called from downstairs.

"No," Lithuania called back. "I'll be down in a moment." There was only one thing worse than being in a maid dress, and that was being in a maid dress while alone with Russia in a bedroom.

(Lithuania wasn't honestly certain Russia knew what sex was. He really didn't want to find out.)

But with Russia as a motivator Lithuania stepped out of the room. He gripped the ruffled edges of the skirt and pulled them down his thighs. Elbows locked against his hips, he came down the stairs to where Russia waited eagerly in the foyer. "Ah, Litva! You look so cute!"

Lithuania glared at him with the weight of one thousand years - several hundred of which he had spent chasing Russia deeper into General Winter's arms - behind his gaze.

Russia clucked his tongue. "Do not look at me like that. It's unbecoming."

Lithuania bit his lip.

"Yes, that is more - becoming," Russia said.

Lithuania hissed almost right over him, "This outfit is not becoming!" And with a distressingly pleading note: "I'm - I want to change back now." Beat. "Please?"

Russia smiled and took three steps closer, which put Lithuania within arm's reach. Lithuania took one wobbling step back (high heels) and flailed as his shoe hit the stairs. He fell hard on his tailbone and caught himself on his hands and stared up at Russia, trying very hard to be indignant and not intimidated at this distance. Russia chuckled and Lithuania wondered just how much hotter his face could get without boiling his brain.

"You are very cute like this! You will wear this today." He pressed a cool hand to Lithuania's cheek. "It fits the image if you're doing chores in maid's clothes."

Lithuania thought, Why not Hungary? At least she's a girl! before feeling bad for thinking that kind of thing. Then he thought of Belarus and her conservative maid dress before his face got hot for an entirely inappropriate reason that he really really couldn't be thinking while wearing a dress.

"Yes, Rossiya Toravishch," he said, fixing his gaze on Russia's scarf.

"Good!" Russia patted Lithuania on the head and stepped back. It took Lithuania a moment to realize that Russia meant for him to get up and resume the dusting he'd been doing before Russia had interrupted with a costume change.

What did I do to deserve this? he pleaded to Heaven, wishing he could cross himself (but with Russia watching, it would be a terrible idea). He picked up the duster. No, really, what did I do that made Russia mad?

God didn't answer (in general Lithuania found him silent on all matters), and he wobbled around the foyer in high heels, knee socks, and a dress, thankful that at least Russia's presence kept the other nations in Russia's house from seeing him dressed like this.

(As if that would last.)

For maybe a quarter-hour Russia just sat on the stairs and watched him dust. Even without the maid outfit it was one of the most uncomfortable experiences of Lithuania's considerably long life, not least because Russia kept saying things like, "Be careful with that painting. It is worth more than all your land," or "If you drop that vase I will be very unhappy," and possibly worst of all, "But you are very adorable dressed this way!"

Lithuania had been dusting this same furniture in this same foyer for twenty-six straight years, every week on Thursday. It was considerably more miserable while being micro-managed and wearing high heels.

And with the number of countries that lived in Russia's house, it was inevitable that someone saw him. That first someone ended up being Estonia.

"Rossiya Toravishch," he said, coming down the stairs where he had undoubtedly been doing some accounting, "I was looking at the expenses and-"

Lithuania whirled, nearly dropping the vase Russia would be very unhappy if Lithuania broke, and stood stock-still. Estonia stared at him. Lithuania stared back, bright red.

"Yes?" Russia prompted, his disposition as sunny as it ever got.

Estonia ripped his gaze from Lithuania and continued, "-with the party you want to throw next Sunday for the Party elite-"

Lithuania, half turned back to his work, winced probably at the same time Estonia did.

"You don't mean 'elite', do you?" Russia asked.

"No, I just meant - the Party members that you invited, of course," Estonia said, smoothing it over. "In any case, with the rationing, it will be a bit difficult to acquire enough food to ..."

"Let us go to the office and discuss it," Russia said. "Litva?"

Lithuania did not cringe. He turned to face Russia, who was doing his looming-slightly-too-close to Estonia at the moment; the other country was doing his level best to not cower. "Yes, Rossiya Toravishch?"

"You will serve dinner like this, yes?"

Lithuania did almost snap the duster in his hands. "... I ..." He glanced at Estonia. Estonia decisively avoided his gaze. "Fine," he said tightly. "Rossiya Toravishch."

Russia beamed at him. "That is good! I like it when you are cute, Litva. It makes me very happy."

Lithuania forced a wavering smile in return, cursing Estonia in his head.

Estonia sneezed.

"Ah, do not catch a cold," Russia said, concerned. "Let's go upstairs ..."

As the other nation was led away Lithuania remained standing where he was in corner of the foyer.

There were certain humiliations that all of the USSR bloc shared. Simply having a Soviet Russia-friendly government forced on them was the biggest one. The humiliation of having their culture subsumed and Russia's forced down their throats - literally, at mealtime - was another. Being beaten for uprisings, well ... they should have done better jobs coordinating, but it was almost impossible in Russia's house. He was always there. Getting shit-faced on vodka because of a drinking game Russia made them play, sure, they'd all been there. But this was a new one. This was unbearable.

With Russia out of sight, Lithuania held the duster like a dagger hidden up his sleeve and fantasized that he would tell Russia exactly where he could stuff this outfit. Then he more realistically tried to imagine how he'd react if he was Poland. (Ugh, black and frilly is totally not my style! This is so ew! Tell Japan it's bright fall colors that are all the rage right now, and slinky - yeah, slinky dresses!)

At least Lithuania could smile at that image. Too bad Poland was in Siberia right now. Lithuania felt terrible for him - he'd been to Siberia too, once, and he'd pretty much do anything to never go again - but if he knew Poland - and he knew Poland better than anyone else - he'd come back fine. Like a phoenix rising, Lithuania thought.

"Holy shit," someone said from the far end of the foyer. "Are you fucking kidding me?"

Lithuania jerked his head up and found himself looking at East-Germany-formerly-known-as-Prussia-formerly-known-as-the-Teutonic-Knights. He had been carrying a pile of tablecloths, but those were now in a heap at his feet as he apparently had decided to stop and stare at Lithuania.

Lithuania turned scarlet again.

"Well, well, well," East said, a smirk curling around his pale face. "Aren't you just the cutest?"

"East," Lithuania said through his teeth.

East stepped over the tablecloths and walked into the foyer, making no secret of how he eyed Lithuania up and down. "I'd never have guessed how fetching you'd look in a dress. Just what possessed you to put this on? Finally decided to follow Pol'sha's lead?"

"Rossiya," Lithuania said through a throat tight with humiliation and anger.

East clicked his tongue. "Tch! Rossiya doesn't seem like the type," he sneered.

"Well. Now we both know something new about him." Lithuania struggled to regain his usual equilibrium; he'd have to serve dinner wearing this, after all, and giving into the urge to up-end a platter of borscht on the head of anyone who so much as snickered at him would not end well. "You'll want to pick up those tablecloths before Rossiya comes back downstairs."

"Yeah, probably," East agreed, but he circled Lithuania just outside of arm's reach nonetheless, eyes fixed on Lithuania's hemline. "You'll probably want to get back to dusting, Miss Litva."

Lithuania prayed for patience. "I'll do that presently." It took all his willpower, but he stiffly turned back to the table he'd stopped halfway through cleaning.

"Just one thing," East said from behind him. "That pretty outfit come complete with panties?"

Lithuania could have borne the comment. He really could have. What he couldn't take was East's fingers brushing his rear as he flipped Lithuania's skirts to find out for himself.

It might have been 150 years since Lithuania had last seen use for a dagger, but he was still holding the duster like one. He spun on the balls of his feet, lunged, and plunged the duster's handle into East's solar plexus.

The breath whooshed out of East's lungs and he staggered backwards. Lithuania smiled sweetly at him. "Touch me again," he said. "Please. I'd like the excuse."

East was doubled over, but Lithuania knew the look East gave him; it was a look he'd been giving Lithuania for several hundred years until Lithuania and Poland beat it out of him. "Yeah, princess?" he wheezed. "Bring it on-!" He took a swing at Lithuania's midsection.

If East was set back by lack of air, Lithuania was hampered by the high heels - which proved to be a boon when East got him in a headlock and Lithuania slammed the pump down on East's instep. East yowled and grabbed his apron strings and the thing half-fell off before he was jerked back again, punched in the ear, and one arm wrenched up his back. "I feel bad beating up a chick," East snarled, fisting Lithuania's petticoats.

"I'd feel bad about beating you up again," Lithuania panted as he elbowed East in the face with his free arm, giving East a bloody nose, "but you're not even a country any more."

"Low blow," East snarled and pile-drove Lithuania with his arms and head, sending them both sprawling to the floor.

From there it was more of a wrestling contest: East, never above any tactic, pulled on Lithuania's hair and tore at his clothes and tried to knee him in the groin. Any sense of modesty Lithuania had been struggling to maintain before went out the window as he grappled East, forcing him to roll over by bending his wrist back so far it almost broke until East went with it. He narrowly avoided being kicked in the head and snaked his leg around East's, pinning East's ankle with his own; he planted an elbow in the middle of East's spine and wrenched his opposite shoulder back by grabbing his arm at the bicep, disabling him. East tried to roll over and found he couldn't. Lithuania wrenched his bicep up and back further until the former nation broke out into a sweat with the effort of not crying out. "Ask me to let you up nicely," Lithuania panted.

"Fuck no," East snarled between short breaths.

Lithuania made to wrench East's arm up even further - which would have been difficult sprawled on top of the former nation as he was - but just then he heard the sound of plates shattering. Instinctively he looked up at the sound and found - of course - Latvia, who was shaking and staring with a shattered plate of appetizers at his feet. "L-L-L-Litva?" he said.

Lithuania came back to himself, realizing what they looked like: bloodied faces, swollen jaws, Lithuania in an askew maid's dress with torn ruffles all flipped up his back exposing his (very manly) boxers as he pinned East to the ground in a wrestler's grip. He blushed. "Ah, Latvii," he started, but it was too late.

"Rossiya Toravishch!" Latvia cried, running up the stairs. "Rossiya Toravishch, East and Litva- they've hurt each other-!"

"Ah, damn, why does the kid do that?" East asked, spitting out a tooth.

"He - doesn't remember much besides Rossiya's house," Lithuania said. He loosened his hold on East slightly with the intention of getting up before suddenly changing his mind - he was already in deep trouble with the host nation, and he'd have a hard time making it worse. "Now - will you be flipping my skirts again?"

East cursed. "Just let me up, will ya?" But it was too late for Lithuania to get his promise because from upstairs he heard Estonia cry, "Latviaaa!" and Russia's office door slamming open.

Lithuania laughed ruefully into East's back. At least if he was sent back to Siberia for this, he knew he'd have Poland for company.

Russia came halfway down the stairs and stared at them. Lithuania looked back at him but found he was unable to actually meet Russia's eyes, fixing his gaze on Russia's mouth.

Russia laughed.

Lithuania had about half a minute to be perplexed by this reaction; he was vaguely aware of several other captive nations peeking around the corner, but he was too far on the other side of humiliation now. Russia came down the stairs, still chuckling, and he continued to giggle until he grabbed Lithuania by the nape of the maid's dress and hauled him bodily off of East with terrifying ease. Only then did Lithuania really remember how scared of Russia he was.

"Litva, how could you do this to the nice dress I gave you?" Russia asked, holding him up by the neckline of the dress in such a way that Lithuania had to stand on his toes to not be choked.

Lithuania opened his mouth and closed it again. It wasn't like him (these days) to get into fights, even with East. "I-"

"I started it," East drawled from where he was sitting up and massaging the leg Lithuania had immobilized.

Russia looked sharply at the former nation, who grinned back with bloody teeth. "What? He looked so damn cute I had to slap his ass. And Litva took it about the same way every chick takes it: not well."

"Ah," Russia said in the tone of those who can't believe they're being spoken to so frankly.

East staggered back to his feet with the help of a foyer table. "Anyway, there you have it. So what's next? The gulag for me? Siberia for him? Other way around? Hit me, Rossiya Toravishch."

Lithuania wished he could be so bold. On the other hand he wished East would stop giving Russia ideas for punishments.

Russia just stared at East for a long time - long enough that even East with all his brashness was cowed, drawing his shoulders in and darting his gaze downwards. "No," Russia said as soon as East looked away. "No, I believe that Litva has taught you not to fight with your comrades. To send you away will not teach you that, will it? You must learn to work together, to help everyone, as Litva does." He smiled sweetly at East, and then at Lithuania, who had a sinking feeling in his stomach. "But if it falls to me to discipline foolish children, well, I have such an idea."

East swallowed.

Russia dropped Lithuania back to his feet. "Clean up after clumsy little Latvii," he said, "and then clean yourself up, and mend your dress. Do not let dinner be late."

"Yes, Rossiya Toravishch," Lithuania said hastily, and ducked past East towards the fallen appetizers.

"You, come with me," Russia said, grabbing East by the upper arm and dragging him towards the stairs. Lithuania wondered if he'd actually gotten off that easy, or if worse was yet to come.

"Oh, shut up," East snarled at Hungary. Lithuania hid his smirk behind his serving tray.

Dinner was a few minutes late and appetizer-less thanks to Latvia, who was shaking so badly that Russia sent him to his room to recover. Lithuania served it in his hastily-mended maid dress and hoped that this would be the last he would hear of the thing. Estonia couldn't even look at Lithuania, probably out of empathizing embarrassment. But really, as punishments went, Lithuania thought he could take a few more similar.

Because East wearing an identical maid's uniform, wobbling around on his own heels, serving the meal opposite Lithuania? Was priceless.


omake 1

"So you like maid uniforms, brother?" Belarus purred, stroking her hair and looking at Russia in what she probably hoped was an alluring way (if that look had been directed at Lithuania just now the maid's outfit would have become really inappropriate).

"Ah, well," Russia temporized. "This tea, it's wonderful, don't you think, comrades? More tea, Litva!"

"Yes, sir," Litva said, bowing and turning back towards the kitchen.

Yeah, this was probably the last he or East would see of the maid's 'fetish' outfits.

omake 2


"So I like, found a maid's dress in your closet, Liet," Poland said while Lithuania was washing dishes.

Lithuania, who had been humming his national anthem, choked and almost dropped a plate. "What were you doing in my closet!"

"Why do you have a maid's uniform?" Poland persisted, leaning on the counter and grinning lazily. "That's kinda kinky."

"You wear skirts all the time," Lithuania protested weakly.

"Shyeah, because I look awesome in them! That's totally not the same thing," Poland said, rolling his eyes. "This is like, a fetish outfit."

Lithuania sighed, hanging his head. "Well," he said, trying to think of how to explain the dress (and why he'd kept it) without having Poland make fun of him for the next decade. "That was the last outfit I beat Prussia into a pulp while wearing."

"What! No," Poland laughed. "Like those things hadn't been invented yet!"

"It was at Rosja's house," Lithuania said. "A few decades ago. You were in Siberia - sorry to remind you," he said hastily.

Poland gave another shiver. "Nah, whatev'. I'm already over it. I can't believe I missed this! Tell me all about it!" He leaned forward, practically on Lithuania's shoulder.

Lithuania laughed, partially out of relief and partially at the relatively happy memory in a sea of mostly unhappy recollections. "Let me finish the dishes first."

"Then let me help-!" Poland rolled up his sleeves. "You wash, I'll dry!"

Lithuania made a mental note that this was a good way to get Poland to help with the chores. "You'll love it."

real fin

So - This story takes place either in the 60's or 70's.

'Toravishch' means 'Soviet Party member', basically. Almost none of Lithuania's population were ever Party members even if they followed Soviet rule. It's basically, like in Animal Farm, the 'more equal than others' group in Soviet Russia. Lithuania and the others calling Russia that is like saying 'Mister', but with more respect, but at the same time mocking of Russia's 'we are all friends!' stance.

I'm retarded and like to indicate the language the dialogue is in by the names the nations call one another. Except in omake 2, everyone is speaking Russian so all the country names are in Russian.

The Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth kicked Prussia's ass a lot, both when he was Prussia and when he was the Teutonic Knights.

A fic with the Baltics in it doesn't feel complete unless somebody screams 'Latviaaa!'

And finally, if somebody draws Prussia in a maid's outfit, I will be amused forever.