If We're All Alone, Aren't We In This Together?
Disclaimer: I do not own anything! As usual. I pretty much suck. :p
Rating: M (On the safe side.)
Authors Note: This is NOT a happy story. I decided to write one a little less happy for a change. Hope I do not disappoint at writing like this. For my own Song Fic Challenge, as I said I cannot win, but I really wanted to write it. Song by October Fall.
If We're All Alone, Aren't We In This Together?
There's no next year for me here…
Take my innocence away, would they even notice either way…
The razor she held in her shaking hand was covered in blood, thickening as she watched it dry; the color almost matched the hue of her manicured nails. Nails that she perfected daily, nails that no one would ever take notice of. Not her mother and not the only woman she had ever loved. Perhaps if Chad were to get a manicure she would notice, but not on her.
She ran the blade along the length of her arm carving deep into the sensitive freshly tanned skin, leaving a trail of blood that fell down her arm. It was true that scientifically it should have hurt, but she could not feel a thing aside from her heart hammering away in her ears. The blood dripped from her fingers staining her beautiful nails that she paid so much attention too, all she wanted was to be noticed.
Only one person had ever noticed her, and she belonged to him.
Someone sees smoke, call 911…
Let's let this burn until it's done…
As she ran the razor against her skin once more she thought about what her mother would always say to her, how she would tell her over and over that she would never be as beautiful as her, that no man could ever love an obese cow like herself. She had tried to starve herself, she had stayed away from carbs, she had even lost weight but she would never be beautiful.
Her confidence was a façade and she wore a mask daily.
'Tammie started to throw the food around her kitchen, her daughter insisted on spending money on these fattening foods. Whole milk and white bread, it was sickening to her. She had been a model when she was younger, and she knew what perfection was and Tawni felt that she would never be that in her mother's cold eyes.
"What the hell is this shit? Why do you insist on buying it! Do you never want a decent boy to look your way!" She screamed as she launched the last of the food in her daughter's direction.
"Mom! It was just a few things! I have my own money I can buy whatever I want!"
Tammie laughed at this, loudly, before moving closer to her daughter who cringed. Reaching out her perfect hand she grabbed Tawni by the face and squeezed hard causing her to be forced to push her lips out, as a stinging pain ran through her face. "Ow!"
"Shut your selfish mouth! I gave you everything, and you own nothing. That money is mine, not yours so don't you even dare start thinking you can spend it on this crap. Now thanks to you I'm going to have to dip into MY money and get you liposuction for those fat ass thighs of yours!"
"Mom! Let me go!" Tawni struggled to push her away.
"Don't raise your voice at me!" Tammie yelled as she through her daughter at the refrigerator. There was a loud smacking noise and she let out a yelp of pain at the contact before slipping in her heels to the floor, nearly twisting an ankle. "You're a little selfish bitch, now clean yourself up, you look like a whore and no daughter of mine will be seen like that!"'
Don't walk away, let's let them see…
The mess that we have become…
She had learnt that tears were something to be ashamed of, but in the moment she could no longer hold them back and salty drops rolled down her makeup coated cheeks and down her neck.
"I'm never good enough for you!" She shouted out as she carved even deeper into her skin, the pain blinded by anger and hatred for herself. "I'll never be enough for anyone!"
Sirens flashing, here's the cops…
Don't blame this on not having jobs, but dreams…
And I see things because I'm not afraid to think outside the box.
"Are you happy now?" She mumbled through blurry eyes as she lay back against the couch in her dressing room, no, not her dressing room only. This dressing room belonged to her and the love of her life, her and the girl she could never have. Her mother would kill her if she found out she liked women on top of everything else, and she would lose her best friend.
Blue eyes filled with tears stared up at the ceiling, she could not focus, her mind reminding her over and over how imperfect she was. Replaying all of the words her mother had told her.
Her body limp as her arms hung from the sides of the couch, dripping red droplets of the liquid that currently sustained her life, all over the carpet as well as the couch. Her hands now completely covered as if she had been finger-painting. And she was simply awaiting her end. Staring up at that ceiling, eyes growing heavy, heart slowing down. She should feel regret, but she did not. Perhaps if her life was not full of regrets she would have.
"Just." "Another." "Selfish." "Thing." "I did." She said through intakes of breath she could feel her body dying as she closed her eyes, her body shaking as another memory racked her brain.
And now I'm shaking, I hope I'm making perfect sense…
So place your bets, to see where I end up…
'Her mother slammed her hard against the wall yelling at her "What kind of posture is that! I wouldn't even know you were the daughter of a model! You seem more like the daughter of an ape!"
"Mom, I'm just tired."
"Tired? Women are never too tired to stand up straight! Now straighten those shoulders!" She said firmly as she pushed her daughters shoulders against the wall straightening them too much and causing a pain to travel through her spine.
"Mom! Just leave me alone! I had a bad day!"
"What? At work? Fantasizing about that little bitch you have a crush on? She will never notice you Tawni, never, look at you, you're a pathetic excuse for a human! Now let me see you walk!"
Tawni seemed thrown off by the fact that her mother had known about her affections for Sonny, but it was not all too shocking. Her mother practically watched her all day every day and the beautiful girl was the first person the blonde had ever shown any kind of emotions or caring for. It was only an assumption, or an accusation, but it was dead on.
"I said walk!" Her mother snapped her out of her thoughts as she pushed her.
This was a regular thing; she always wanted to see that Tawni looked her best and could walk perfectly in her heels. She was probably the only girl that started wearing heels and makeup at the age of three. She tried, the young blonde tried so hard to walk to the best of her ability, but the best was never enough for her mother.
She could hear Tammie laughing, that condescending laughter that haunted her life. "You call that a walk!"'
And oh my God this place is so messed up!
No one knew the things that her mother had put her through, she kept them bottled up inside, once she had told Sonny of a few instances but they were only the most mild. It was something that she would never reveal to anyone. She was insecure, she always felt alone, had never had a friend, and had never felt good enough for anyone, not even Sonny.
She played her part well, not that her mother would agree, but no one else had managed to see inside. To see who she really loved, to see how much she truly hated herself. How much looking in the mirror all the time simply made her want to slam her fist into it and shatter it into a million pieces.
No one knew and no one ever would.
She only ever wanted one person's attention, one person to remember her, she never cared about herself enough to think that this would happen though.
People assumed that her act was reality and she preferred it this way. Pretending to be the most confident person around, pretending to love herself, and pretending to hate everyone else, this was the mask she wore and polished on a daily basis. No one ever thought to get to know more or try to know more. No one except for her, that is. But, that would never be.
Rip me apart to see my insides…
Compose myself, I'm not secure…
And don't believe a single thing that you have heard.
She hated herself more than anyone would ever know. Tawni Town was a very dark and meaningless town, her dreams consisted of nightmares of her mother hitting her and hurting her. Wishing that she were never born or that she had a more beautiful daughter. What did she have to take pride in? Her selfishness? The way she hurt people? Her looks? That was all she ever had, her looks.
Throw my pride into this fire…
My confidence is dead, I'm tired…
She had bled out considerably in the matter of time that she lay on the couch, it felt like it had been hours, and she knew that her ending was coming. She had finally given up. It had been a long lifetime even if it only had lasted seventeen years. It was seventeen years without any affection, seventeen years without any love, and seventeen years of feeling nothing at all.
Seventeen years of praying to a God that he would somehow save her, or just take her away, take her life and bring her somewhere far away from her mother. He had failed her, and ignored her just as everyone else; no one ever paid her the attention she wished for.
Her body was growing cold as she lay there and the skin that was once sprayed to be tan was growing paler and slightly blue by the moment. She knew the time was coming, she would finally feel free to be who she always wanted. To be happy.
Who's giving up?
I'm giving up.
I won't burn out I'll just burn up…
'Tammie slammed her hand hard into her daughter's cheek, causing her head to spin and slam against the kitchen cabinet door. Blood now running down her chin from the cut in it. Moving so that she could look Tawni directly in the eyes she spoke in a cold heartless tone.
"You are disgusting. I hate you, I am so ashamed to call you my daughter. I wish you had never been born. If I were not scared to be locked away I would put an end to your pathetic existence. All you do is take my money and embarrass me in front of the men I bring home." Then she spat in her daughters face and turned on her heels leaving.'
And I was raised on excellence…
Always taught to look my best…
I don't wanna be just anybody,
I don't wanna be anything you forget…
Eyes now completely closed darkness started to consume her as she drifted off into thoughts of the beautiful girl, the only girl who made her smile. Sonny Munroe. She would have probably ended things a long time ago if she had not appeared. She had thought that the girl was an angel, God sending someone to save her, she had fallen hard, and then she had lost her to him.
He was nothing. He was every bit like her mother, and the façade that she herself pretended to be. She could give her more than him, but she would not do that. What she would not have given to be able to kiss Sonny just once like he got to every single day.
Her thoughts had started to disappear as she could no longer follow her train of thought. Body shaking as her heart slowed even further. Now only a beat every thirty seconds or so, her heart like a clock ticking away, counting down the moments until the muscle finally gave up the fight.
Villains die and heroes live forever…
Tragic endings get remembered…
I don't wanna be just anybody…
I don't wanna be anything you forget.
She found her lying on the couch, the very couch in which they had first sat together. Her best friend's body limp, cold, pale and covered in blood. She did not know what to do, calling the cops and hoping to save her even though she knew that the blonde was long gone.
Brown eyes were full of tears that she allowed to fall as she linked her hands with one of the blonde's holding it to her face, the metallic scent finding its way up her nose making her sick to her stomach. She vomited, and vomited again, how could Tawni do this to herself? How could she do this? Didn't she know how much she loved her? The feelings she harbored for her.
They had just broken up, her and him, and she had been on her way to tell the blonde her true feelings. How could she have gotten here too late? As she watched the paramedics lift her body she held the note that had been laying on the floor beside the couch close to her.
And I won't be someone you forget…
All the note said was; Dear Sonny,
I always loved you. You were my angel.
…So don't forget
S W A C S W A C S W A C S W A C S W A C S W A C S W A C S W A C S W A C
Authors Note: I hope this fic was a nice read… I really enjoyed writing it, even though it was extremely depressing. Very unlike the other ones that I have written so I would love it if you would review and tell me if you like it or not, so I know if I should not do any more like this.
I also do not do song fics often haha so please tell me what y'all think. I hope it's okay.