Ao No Exorcist
"Didn't You Hear Me?"
*Authors Note: Well, I wanted to push my limits a bit with this one, so I decide to drift from the typical 3rd person narrative to the 1st. Most people would be under the impression that third person narrator is more difficult than a narrator speaking in the first, but I beg to differ for a couple reasons. In the past, when I am using "I" statements for characters, I end up writing what I want them to do, rather than what they would actually do. Secondly, first person narrators are flawed. An omniscient 3rd narrator knows what everyone is feeling, can peer inside the heads of any and all characters, and may have information known to only the reader. The first person, however, is a fixed angle. They can only see through one lens, and their information may not be reliable. For those reasons, I tend to stay away from first, and opt towards third. Today, I challenge myself. And who better to do it with then my favorite new pairing? I think I am also alone on this pairing, seeing as I have yet to see any fics with these two in it. D: …I hope you enjoy this light fluff.
I couldn't help but laugh. I know, I know, it's really rude to laugh at someone's goal, especially when they happen to be your close friend, but what else was I to do? Defeat Satan? It was a fool's game. I knew it, Father knew it, the entire village knew it; why didn't he see?
"I am going to avenge the church! I swear I'll do it. Don't think I can? "
I didn't. I still don't believe he can do it. Does that make me a bad friend? Perhaps, even, a bad person? To stand by, saying nothing to him as he tries to do the impossible, all the while thinking, "You can't. Stop trying." I hold my tongue. My goals in life are a bit more modest. I, too, would like to become an Exorcist, though my interest and vigor in the subject is far less than his. An Aria is a suitable job for someone who has no real drive, right? I mean, it's not like I'll have to train in swordplay, or learn different herbs. It's just reciting some lines from a distant. I like easy. I don't like trying to hard.
"Eh? I hate slackers. God damn, like that bastard Rin Okumura!"
I laugh again, amused by his valley of emotions. Ever since the boy has joined our class, he's been even more on edge. I wonder what he thinks of me at these times. I do nothing above mediocrity, skating by on my given wit and apathetic attitude. I'm a slacker; I fit the definition to a fault. Does that mean you hate me? I wonder.
"Shima, you comin'?"
I follow like a faithful pet. Perhaps I don't trot behind, heeling at each one of his barks, but I certainly make no effort to stay away. It's been like this since we were children. We are just moths drawn to an open flame. He is so utterly predictable it is laughable. I can spot his anger boiling from a distance, knowing which chiding comment will be the last before the pot spills over. He's boring to most, actually. His seriousness for everything can lead to a rather uninteresting conversation. Certainly not the friendly type, like myself. I don't have to listen to know what he's going on about.
Was he saying something to me? Ah, caught in the act of daydreaming. I gave him a rueful smile. "Sorry, what were you saying?"
"Nothing, never mind."
What was the point of that? My smile became taut, never leaving my face. I assumed I put him off; he's always so childish about things. I'll apologize later, or he'll forget. Either way, it shouldn't be an issue for long. It never really is. Still, it was bothersome.
We walked back to the dormitory together, a silence making anyone uncomfortable. I slipped both hands into my pants pockets, head hung like a convicted felon, totting behind him. Guilt was an enormous burden. How had things become so strained in such a short instant? I rack my brain for the conversation leading up to it, but fall short. I want to ask him. I don't, of course. I never do.
I'm a coward.
The things I never say reflect my cowardliness. I fear for the truth, for the answers that might wait. I cannot support him in his dreams. Even your worst enemies could tell him the truth, even though his best friend cannot. I am not a friend to him. I am a bystander, unwilling to act when action is called for. I play innocent, saying what needs to be said to keep him unaware. I follow, knowing I should stay away. I don't have the courage, though. I am not brave enough to be honest, to do what's best for him. I am a coward.
"What are you doing?"
Oh. I release him from my hold around his waist, drawing back. I hold up my hands as if to fend off an attack, forcing smile to my face to ease the embarrassment. "Sorry. I'm sorry." I can't meet his gaze. Don't hate me. I am so pathetic. I can see myself running behind him, listening to his repetitive conversations, smirking at his aspirations. I feel sick. Oh god, I want to get out of our room. I don't want to be here anymore.
"You're really weird."
I close one eye when he raises a hand. Hit me, I think. I deserve it. Maybe it will knock some sense into me. Maybe I'll wake up and just leave; it'd be for the best. Instead, he ruins me once again. He reminds me why I can't go. The strong, and vulnerable hand lands on my head. It stays for a moment, the warmth and weight relieving any fears from my mind. I smile. It's not forced, or deceiving, or malicious. It's a grateful smile.
When I'm with him, I want to be better.
The days are the same. Rin Okumura never ceases to prod the sleeping bear, keeping class exciting and the days interesting. He responds the same as always, but I've come to find comfort in this. I wonder if it can always be like this? No. I know it can't. There will be a time where I have to be on my own. A time where I can't depend on his smarts, his determination, his courage to get me through. He won't always be there for me.
Not today. Please, don't let it be today, then.
"Yo, Shima! Did you hear me?"
Not today. I'll be stronger tomorrow. I want to be with you a little longer.