Finn stumbled into the kitchen the next morning with bedhead so severe, Kurt paled and swooned on the spot. The pillow crease descending down Finn's entire face was red and looked rather painful.
"Were you licking the electrical sockets again?" he demanded of his brother.
"Derp?" was all Finn could muster as he wiped the crust from his eyes.
That was Santana's cue to start braying like a donkey, choking on her cantaloupe and causing her eyes to water. Sam settled for staring. He himself wasn't a morning person, despite the fact that he was now involved with two such people, but this was just ridiculous.
"Dude," he said slowly to Finn, "are you okay?"
Finn grunted and absently scratched his stomach before releasing a rather loud fart.
Santana's mouth fell open, cantaloupe dripping onto her plate.
"Unacceptable," Kurt said firmly, before attacking Finn with a can of Lysol. "Out! Out of my kitchen, you uncouth plebeian!"
"Finn Hudson!" Kurt snapped. "You have just stumbled into our kitchen looking like something the cat threw up while passing gas so poisonous, I had flashbacks of Noah after all-you-can-eat Taquito Night at Breadstix!"
"Who's Noah?" asked a drowsy Finn.
"Oh, him." Finn looked around and startled. "Dude! Why didn't you tell me they were here?" he shrieked, pointing at Sam and Santana. "I could have walked in here naked!"
"There's not enough therapy in the world to heal those images seared in my mind," Sam drawled, shuddering. "Locker rooms," he said mournfully. "Who knew?"
Santana snorted. "Trust me, seeing it up close and personal was certainly no walk in the park."
Finn blinked. "Everyone in this room has seen me naked," he realized, horror dawning in his mind.
"Indeed," Kurt said, nodding. "This is our support group meeting. Rachel should be arriving momentarily."
"She hasn't seen me naked," Finn said, pouting.
Kurt shook his head. "Now I'm forced to eat my words. For once, I am jealous of Rachel Berry."
Santana nodded and turned to Sam. "I guess Berry is smarter than she looks." She cocked her head. "Then again, she'd have to be."
Finn knew there was no graceful way out of this, so he decided instead to play on Kurt's sympathy, which he did all too frequently but to great effect.
"Kurty," he whined, pushing out his lower lip, "my arm hurts."
Kurt immediately launched into Florence Nightingale mode, ushering Finn to a seat at the table and then flying around the room to prepare his brother's breakfast. Sam and Santana were amused and frightened. Finn smirked triumphantly at them.
"You may share this house, Hudson," Santana said in a low voice, "but we share his bed."
Finn gulped and looked at Sam, whose eyes were gleaming and predatory. "You three...didn't...last night, right?"
Sam merely sipped his decaf coffee while Santana finished her cantaloupe.
Finn felt faint. He couldn't tell if Santana was lying or not; she was so good it, it was rare that she got caught. He knew she and Sam had spent the night last night - in Kurt's bedroom - and, since it was soundproofed, they totally could have made the beast with two backs and no one would have been the wiser!
Huh. He wondered how that worked.
Kurt suddenly materialized at his side and began fussing over him, making Finn feel warm and fuzzy inside. He watched his brother with dewy eyes as Kurt tucked a napkin into the neck of his t-shirt and began cutting up his waffles.
"Are you going to feed him, too?" Santana snidely asked.
Kurt gave Finn a serious look. "Do you need me to?"
Sam curled his lip in derision.
"No, thank you," Finn said politely. "Thank you for breakfast, Kurt. It looks delicious."
Kurt beamed at him and planted a soft kiss on his cheek.
Finn blushed and became smug once more.
"I think I'm going into insulin shock," Santana drawled.
Sam nodded. "I just threw up a little in my mouth."
"Jealousy is an ugly thing," Finn said.
They rolled their eyes.
"And so are you in anything yellow," Santana said, eyeing his t-shirt with disdain.
Kurt swatted his brother on the shoulder. "Be nice. I was always civil to Rachel when she darkened our doorstep, and I will be the same with Quinn. Therefore, I expect you to treat my boyfriend and girlfriend with the same courtesy."
Finn's eyes widened. "So I didn't hallucinate you three making out in the hall last night?"
"Were you spying?" Kurt asked sharply.
Finn shook his head frantically. "No. I came down to get a glass of water. The medicine made my mouth taste like I'd just run a load of sweaty jockstraps through it."
Kurt shuddered. "Nice visual."
Kurt sighed. "At any rate, no, you didn't hallucinate anything. As of last night, I am dating Sam and Santana."
Finn shrugged. "You can thank me now."
Kurt raised a brow. "I should thank you?"
Finn nodded. "For getting you to realize it."
Kurt froze, his mind overtaken by horrible certainty. "Everything you said last night...you planned that? You knew I was in love with them?"
"In love?" Finn repeated, his voice squeaking slightly. "I didn't know you were in love with them, but I knew you liked them a lot and that they made you happy."
Sam made big cow eyes at Kurt while Santana looked inordinately proud of herself.
Finn shook his head to clear it. "Love. Wow, really?" He looked at Sam and Santana. "You guys should thank me, too."
Santana glared. "How about I thank you with a swift kick to your crotchal area?" she barked. "We don't owe you crap, Hudson, or did you forget that it was you who torpedoed Sam's last relationship?"
Finn's blank look suggested that he had, in fact, forgotten that little detail.
Kurt rolled his eyes and wrote it off to the medication.
"I'm really, really sorry, Sam," Finn whispered.
"It's fine," Sam said evenly. "I'm much happier with Kurt and Santana than I ever was with her," he said, a streak of viciousness entering his voice.
Santana looked smug. Kurt, on the other hand, raced to Sam's side and fawned all over him, which Sam found to be very pleasurable indeed. Finn looked like an abandoned puppy about to be shipped off to a kill shelter.
"Hudson!" Santana snapped, pleased when Finn flinched. "Know this: we'll tolerate your relationship with Tink because you're his brother, but if you ever try to come between the three of us, I'll separate your balls with a pair of pinking shears."
Finn blinked. "What are pinking shears?"
Kurt smiled fondly at both of them while perched atop Sam's lap. "They're the ones that make the zigzag cuts, Finn."
Santana smiled, nodded happily, and made a scissoring motion with her fingers. Finn paled, very sure it was a scissoring motion distinctly different from the one Brittany had once enjoyed.
Sam wrapped an arm around Kurt and pulled the other boy flush against him, causing Kurt to blush severely.
"Hey," Sam whispered.
"Hello, Sam Evans," Kurt said quietly.
"I love you."
Kurt fidgeted. "I love you, too."
Finn sighed and shook his head.
"What?" Santana demanded.
"It's just...you all look good together, you know?" Finn said. "Right, or something. I'm happy for you."
Santana stared back at him, her face entirely blank.
"Thank you, Finn," Kurt said warmly. "That makes me very happy."
Finn shot him a brilliant smile and silently ate his breakfast.
Sam and Santana shared a Look. Either Finn was being truthful, which was shocking, or he was setting them up for some ill-advised scheme. Regardless, it was annoying.
"Are you guys telling people," Finn asked, "or should I keep my mouth shut?"
"Are you actually capable of doing that?" Santana barked.
Finn shrugged. "For Kurt? Yeah."
Sam frowned. He had underestimated just how much Finn cared for his brother. His brow furrowed as he considered their previous interactions regarding Kurt. Had Finn warned him away from Kurt all those months ago because he had been jealous? Because that was totally not cool. Still...if Finn was supporting Kurt now, had actually manipulated Kurt into confessing his feelings, perhaps Finn wasn't such a total douchebag. He supposed time would tell.
"We're not hiding anything," Sam said slowly, "but we're not sure if we want to make a big deal out of it, either."
Finn snorted as he sipped his orange juice. "No offense, but Kurt dating anyone is going to be a big deal at McKinley, for whatever reason."
Kurt nodded sadly. "He's right."
"We'll just stick to the plan and everything will be fine," Santana said.
"Plan?" Finn repeated.
Kurt patted his hand. "You don't get to know the plan, sweetie. You know how you give things away without meaning to do so."
"Oh, cheer up, Hudson," Santana said, a sour look on her face. "Tink will be spending the whole day shepherding your ass around the school. Enjoy your fraternal bonding."
Finn's face lit up like a Christmas tree. Even Sam thought it was sweet, though he still wanted to gag.
The thought of gagging triggered thoughts of Kurt, who was sitting on his lap in very tight pants.
"Well, hello," Kurt purred, shifting inappropriately.
Santana quirked a brow, leaned over, and poked Kurt in the side. "If Blondie's dick has a theme song, I need one for my vag, too. I'm all about equality." She blinked. "When it suits me."
"How about the theme from Jaws?" Sam suggested.
Santana eyed him. "Your Bitch Game is slowly but surely getting on point. Well done."
Kurt snickered and shook his head. "No, Sam. Hers would be the theme from The Godfather."
Sam nodded. "Of course."
Finn paled. "You guys," he whined, pushing away his plate for effect, even though it was empty.
Kurt rolled his eyes. "Get over it."
Finn grunted. "Look, I know Sam and Santana probably don't care, but I want you all to know that I'm on your side. I totally support you." He frowned. "Well, I support Kurt."
"Thank you, Finn," Kurt bleated.
Sam was immediately suspicious, as was Santana.
"You're going to support us openly?" Santana demanded. "Because people are going to shit on Hot Lips for this."
Finn shook his head resolutely. "They won't. I actually thought about this!"
"I did!" he protested. "Okay, just hear me out. First of all, no one wants to go against you, Lopez. Two, as much as Kurt was bullied, a big part of that was because the bullies knew he wouldn't strike back as long as it was aimed at him. It's a whole other ball game when Kurt's friends are threatened."
Santana considered that statement and began nodding. "True," she said grudgingly. "That's retaliation they definitely wouldn't want. Tink would rain sulfur down upon them."
Finn nodded brightly. "Three, I'm on your side. I don't have as much pull as I once did, but Quinn does. She still loves Kurt, even though they're not friends anymore. She also still feels guilty because of what we did to Sam, so if she can, in any way, help Sam be happy, she'll do it, and a lot of people are afraid of her."
Sam mumbled unintelligibly and Santana scowled, but Kurt's smirk simply grew wider, as if these were points he had already taken into account.
"Four," Finn added, actually counting on his fingers, "Puck is Sam's best friend and won't let anyone hurt him. Plus, he's totally crushing on Kurt."
"What," Kurt, Sam, and Santana intoned.
"Not like that," Finn said, rolling his eyes in a manner which was clearly copied from Kurt. "Puck likes that Kurt stands up to him. Puck likes to fight, and Kurt is pretty much the only one who will fight him anymore. Kurt always gets the last word, and Puck hates that, but he respects Kurt for being so bitchy."
Sam nodded. "And what about Mercedes and Rachel," he said to Kurt, who was pressed up against him as though afraid Sam might run away. Which was pretty ridiculous, since Sam didn't think anything could feel better than Kurt pressed up against him. Unless it was Santana. Or Santana and Kurt.
He blinked. "I just realized something."
Kurt smiled knowingly at Sam. "Did you figure out that having a girlfriend and a boyfriend means you get twice the cuddles?"
"And orgasms?" Santana helpfully added.
"Urk," Sam wheezed.
"Aw, man!" Finn whined.
His breakfast was ruined. Thank goodness he'd already eaten all of it.
"I'll handle Mercedes and Rachel," said a mysterious Kurt.
"And how will you do that?" Santana demanded.
He turned to look at her and quirked a brow. "Are you new? I'm Kurt Hummel."
End Note: This was originally meant to be the last chapter, but I received a number of requests to show how Kurt's relationships would fare at McKinley, as well as Santana v. Blaine, so those will happen. Expect two or three more chapters and then this little adventure will be over. Thanks for hanging in there with me!