Disclaimer: I do not even pretend to own this story, let alone the characters. All I own are the additions and changes I made to the original text. This is closely based on the Gospel of Mark found in the New Testament of the Bible. I will be using the New King James Version for this parody (so all you Christians at home can follow along in your own Bibles!). I promise you will not go to hell for enjoying this story. Jesus had a sense of humor too, and we all can enjoy jokes that make fun of us that are free of malicious intent. This had to be done. I know God understands this more than any Touhou fan. Now for who takes the place of who:
Byakuren: obviously Jesus Christ
Shou: John the Baptist, but I will use her for a few of Peter's parts
Kogasa: Judas Iscariot (Surprise!)
Yoshika: wild card
Kyouko: wild card
The Gospel According to the Tiny, Tiny, Clever Commander Nazrin
The Disciples of Bishimonten
1The beginning of the gospel of Byakuren Hijiri, the Youkai Christ.
2As was said by the god Bishimonten: "Behold! I shall send my servant before Myouren's sister and she shall prepare the way for her." 3However, Lord Bishimonten was still dubious of the tiger youkai, so he sent his most trusted servant to watch her, saying, 4"The young Shou has much to learn, therefore dark clouds of doubt fill my bosom. Go! Watch over her and report to me what thou sees. Ye shalt be mine eyes and ears." So the mouse youkai named Nazrin went about the task divinely assigned to her.
5Shou Toramaru came preaching in the human village, declaring a message of baptism and repentance for the forgiveness of sins. 6 Then all the non-believers went out to her to be baptised and confess their sins of having too much blood in their alcohol system and groping the undeveloped breasts of voluptuous maidens that looked younger than they really were.
7Now Shou was clothed in a burgundy-orange-white dress with a tiger pattern around the abdomen. Under this dress was white, frilly pants that looked like something from the 70's; black shoes were found on her feet. 8A lotus shaped ornament adorns her head that no one is really sure what the fuck it is. A giant circle of cloth is attached to her back that defies gravity. 9She ate meat and lots of it because she was a tiger youkai and thus very manly (because everyone knows tigers aren't no leaf eating pussies that always get killed on the Discovery Channel). 10And she preached, saying, "There comes one after me who is mightier than my (handsome) self, who's florescent, rainbow scroll I am not worthy to hold. I indeed gave you the gift of a water baptism, but she shall give you something mightier! And that is peace through salvation!"
The Baptism of the Youchrist
11It came to pass in those days that Byakuren Hijiri came from the Shinano Province of Japan, and was reluctantly baptized by Shou in a river of Gensokyo (for the humble Shou felt she was not worthy to baptize Byakuren, but rather she should baptize Shou). 12Upon Byakuren's gradient head resurfacing, the heavens parted and a great, badass pink cloud with the face of an old man (known as Unzan) appeared. He radiated all that men aspire to be and wielded mighty fists of bro. 13 He extended one towards the dripping Byakuren and brofist-ed her for being awesome. Unzan then vanished.
The Temptation of the Servant
14 Immediately following, Byakuren left Shou and the crowds to meditate and recite sutras and fast for thirty days in the solitude of the mountains. 15 While reciting the Heart Sutra, the devil appeared before Byakuren to tempt her. "And who might you be? Are you perhaps a fellow monk come to purify your soul? If so please have a seat beside me, friend! The mountains are lonesome." 16 The bat wings in the devil's long red hair fluttered. She adjusted her tie before answering as such, "You know full well who I am, as I know who you are. I am called by many names, but you may call me Little Devil." The savior got up from her lotus position and smiled. "Why have you appeared before me, Little Devil?" "Come and you shall see."
The First Temptation
17 The devil took Byakuren to the top of the mountain to show her all of Gensokyo. "If you will bow down and worship me, all of this land shall be yours!" But Byakuren calmly responded, "How can you promise me such grand things when you don't even own the library in which you reside?" The devil's face turned red with embarrassment and anger, but she took her to a ledge.
The Second Temptation
18 "If you truly are the savior of youkai and men alike," Little Devil said smugly, "then throw thyself from this ledge! Surely all the Devas and gods will rush to save you." "If those wings be real, then surely you can fly?" Our immaculate savior then mercifully pushed the devil off the edge with a shove of her right hand. 19 Upon flying to solid ground from her scream-filled free fall, Little Devil said, "You are a cunning one for sure. I did not expect such things. However! I know something that will surely have you see it my way."
The Third Temptation
She picked up a rock and held it before Byakuren. "If you be as powerful as you say you are, turn this rock into bread so that you may eat! Hunger must be knawing at you after almost a month in the wilderness." Tired of the devil's games, Byakuren said these holy words: "Get thee behind me, Temptress! For it is written, 'man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word word that proceeds from the mouth of God.'" Confused by what Hijiri had said (for no words were found in the Pali Canon or any other book containing the words of Buddha), the devil left pouting and dejected.
20 Now after Shou had nearly been put in prison, Byakuren came to the forest, preaching the gospel of peace between humans and youkai: 21 "Hate has existed long enough between mankind and youkai. Repent from your sins, for the time of purity and understanding is at hand! Repent and hunt each other down no longer!"
The First Disciples are Called
22 And as she walked by the sea, she saw Captain Murasa Minamitsu and her close friend Nue sinking ships to be assholes, for they were trolls. 23 Then Byakuren said to them, "Sink ships no longer or I will be forced to tie both of you into a knot, breaking whatever bones necessary to accomplish this task with my herculean strength." 24 They immediately turned from their ways and followed her from fear (but they soon became close friends).
25 When she had gone a little farther from there, she saw Ichirin Kumoi chatting with Shou Toramaru and her servant Nazrin, the far sexier and more-worthy-of-Shou's-love-than-Byakuren dowser. 26 And immediately she called them to aid her in her quest to make Gensokyo a utopia. This was a dream they too shared, so they eagerly consented and joined her group. But Shou did not recognize Byakuren as the one she had preached about yet, for she is an airhead that relies a little too much on her patient servant Nazrin and her mice.
Three Mischievous Fairies are Cast Out
27 Then they went into the Hakurei Shrine where Byakuren began to teach. 28 And those there were astonished at her teachings, for she taught them not as dirty Shinto mikos that only want donations, but as one who earnestly cared and knew what she believed (for not even the dirty miko that hates mice knew what god was supposed to be worshiped at her shrine).
29 Now there were three fairies at the shrine to capitalism that were causing trouble for the miko and those who came to worship. And upon seeing Byakuren and her group, they planned to pull a prank on them, but their plot was quickly foiled upon being discovered by the sharp senses of Master Shou. They cried out, 30 saying, "Let us go, you cat! What have we done to you or the woman with gradient hair! Stupid! We won't stand for this! We only pull innocent pranks!" The poor shrine maiden yelled at them from ire. "Innocent my ass! You've stolen my sake and food, donations, and panties before!" The fairy with curly blonde hair responded, "We have never stolen your donations. You've just been losing followers."
The shrine maiden grinded her teeth and lunged at them, but was held back by Murasa.
31 Byakuren rebuked them, saying, "Be quiet and please leave this miko's shrine! You have been bothering her and the good souls who come to worship!" She picked them up by the collars of their clothes and with a mighty throw she sent them into the forest. 32 Byakuren's fame then began to spread through all of Gensokyo.
Murasa's Pet Fish Healed
33 Now as soon as they had left the Hakurei Shrine, they boarded Murasa's nice boat the "Palanquin". 34 The captain went to feed her fish but found it floating ill in its bowl. Murasa yelled in dismay and brought her pet before Byakuren. 35 "Teacher! Is there anything you can do to save my dear pet? He looks like he will not make it through the night!" Murasa was on the verge of tears and looked rather cute in that state. In contrast to her panicking friend, Byakuren was as serene as ever. She calmly took the bowl, placed it on a table, chanted a Buddhist healing spell, and assured the captain her fish would be alright. "Just remember to clean the bowl every two weeks or so," she said with a sigh. Indeed, the bowl was practically opaque from the buildup of filth. Everyone then celebrated the miraculous recovery with booze and sex. Casual sex (as suggested by Murasa). Not really. 36 We all left the ship soon after for more traveling and the fish was quickly forgotten. It died because Murasa forgot to feed it, but nobody cared.
37 At evening, when the sun had set, the humans brought to Byakuren all who were sick and those who were unenlightened. 38 And the whole village was gathered together at the door. 39 Then she healed many who were sick with various diseases, and taught to many who did not understand the teachings of Buddha.
40 Now in the morning, having risen a long time before the sun's rays broke over Gensokyo, she went out and departed to a solitary place; there she meditated in contemplation on the hardships of this world and the souls that reincarnate into them endlessly. 41 Shou and those with her searched for her, for they had become worried due to their teacher's extended absence. "Nazrin, could you find Hijiri with your pendulum?" The faithful servant Nazrin quickly lead the other disciples to their master. 42 When they found her, they said to her, "Everyone is looking for you."
43 But she ignored this and said, "Let us go to the other villages, that I may preach there also, because this is the purpose I have given to my existence."
44 And she was preaching in temples and shrines throughout all of Gensokyo, performing many minor miracles.
A Youkai is Healed
45 Now a fairy came unto her through the crowd of humans, imploring her on her knees. "Even we fairies and youkai have heard of the great feats performed by you! How there is no illness or suffering you cannot take back! That is why I am here: to beg you to heal my close friend, for she is melting in this heat! Please, Teacher, she is a good youkai!" The fairy (who seemed to be different from the average ones) was begging on her knees with tears dripping to the ground. 46 But the humans laughed at the blue-haired fairy's display of concern and remorse. "A good youkai? What kind of joke is that!" "Look at her shed crocodile tears! She wishes to heal a man eater!"
47 Then Byakuren, moved with compassion, reached out a hand to pick up the ice fairy. She wiped her tears with a gentle movement of her hand and said, "Fear no longer, kind soul, for your friend has been healed. The seasons will not be cause for a tearful separation. Go and be joyful!" 48 She then warned the fairy not to let other humans know what she had done, but to only keep things on a need-to-know basis.
49 However, the stupid fairy loudly flew through the skies boasting that Byakuren Hijiri had shown compassion for a non-human, so that Byakuren could no longer openly enter that village, but was outside in deserted places; and they came to her from every direction.