Title: there's a blaze of light in every word
Summary: "And all he can do is mutter a soft-spoken "Hallelujah" under his breath, because he knows that he's got her." (collection of short Bade drabbles, inspired by Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah")
Disclaimer: I don't own shit but hoes and tricks
A/N: There's a million covers of "Hallelujah" out there and all of them are beautiful. I really recommend looking up the unsung verses because they are beautiful! (and that's where the title came from.)
Oh, and about the rating- there's a very-close-to-sexual scene and one naughty swear word.
Anyway, Jade's really hard to write, but I didn't wanna write another one-sided. She's a little out-of-character but I'd like to think that she's more fragile and gentle and broken around Beck. The fourth paragraph is my favorite. ;) It was my first time writing anything remotely smutty so I went a little overboard, haha. I always write too much in these authors notes. Does anyone actually read them? Is it like a fanfic turn-off? I dunno, just enjoy the story, Bade fans. :D
She remembers the first day she laid eyes on him, walking into Sikowitz's class. He was the "new guy" that everyone was talking about- not even nervous, just the calmest thing. Her heart fell to her stomach as she admired his skin, creamy and the same color as a mocha latte, and she desired in a way she never had never felt before. He glanced at her with his head held high, and half-smiled mysteriously as he noticed her pale cheeks turn rosy instantly. She thought that her heart was the hardest it could be, so tough no one could make any impact or do any damage. But there he was in front of her and she was already a shy, sweet girl with not just an attraction, a desire, a lust. She had never believed in fairy tales, but one look from him had made her weak in the knees, falling head over heels. All of the sudden she had a heart of gold and needed his attention, his love, his affection, anything from him, no matter how hard she resisted. She always thought it was nonsense, and the butterflies in her stomach disgusted her. Staring at his handsome face and wanting to kiss him right then and there, all she could do was mumble was an awe-struck "Hallelujah," and do whatever she could to make him hers.
The morning after she left him, she woke up to the cold air rather than the smell of hot coffee. It was eighteen minutes after ten and he usually called her to wake her up for school; she had forgotten, coffee and a sweet-sounding "good morning, love" wouldn't be happening anymore. She doesn't remember how long it took for her eyes to feel heavy and eventually fall into sleep, but she knows that she only dreamt of the last time she saw him, their words replaying again and again. She got to school late and was just so exhausted she actually went without her stimulants for the day, hiding her tired face with makeup.
The morning after she left him, he almost called her to wake her up. She haunted him in his dreams, and her soft touch felt so real it was like torture. But he showed no signs of weakness. It's who he is. But he found himself reaching out for her hand sometimes and feeling nothing but cold air pass by instead of her warm hand in his. He had forgotten that sneaking out of his classes to meet her after her own wouldn't be happening anymore.
They had both been acting so much they had forgotten what real feelings were like. But the lingering emptiness in the air quickly lets them grasp the cold, empty reality of loneliness.
They had both forgotten what it was like to show real feelings, and the split second when their eyes met, they both actually thought they saw a person who didn't love them. Who meant nothing to them.
"It has to be this way." is what he said to her when she nervously asked, or maybe demanded, his forgiveness.
But those last words sunk in during the sleepless nights in their own cold beds that were too far apart. And, hallelujah, the two loved each other just enough that there was no way for it not to work out in the end. It didn't have to be that way. Hallelujah.
She parks her car outside of his house and is unaware of how she even got there, the past few hours being blurred from fog and rain and tears. She steps outside and he's there in a matter of seconds, reaching for her hands and saying "Babe, let's get out of the lightning," but his voice barely reaches her.
"Hey… what's wrong?' he said softly once they got inside, and she pulled away from him.
"Just leave me alone." she mumbled.
"Jade, please, just look at me." It wasn't just the rain on her skin that made him feel like she was slipping away from him, she was being threatened by a darkness that wanted to take her. He grabbed her shoulders and she wilted into him, her eyes filled to the brim with tears daring to spill over.
"Say you love me." she urged.
"I love you." he replied quickly, not wanting to try her patience with talk of magic words.
It wasn't the first time they had been here. Jade always came to him when she was drowning in the sea of sadness, and he somehow ended up drowning in it too as he tried to rescue her.
"Everything's gonna be alright, okay?" he insisted.
She had closed her eyes and a tear escaped, as she gathered the courage to say what she wanted.
"Thank you… for being so patient with me. I know you're trying… really, really hard for me."
He had nothing to say, he just nodded as he looked at the strength burning inside her. He didn't ask what was wrong, most of the time it was nothing, and he knew it made her feel silly to admit that, so he stayed silent. She wasn't embarrassed to be vulnerable around him, and he took that responsibility.
He watched as she slowly and sadly took her cold, wet clothes off and stood in front of him as if she had just peeled back her skin and showed him the bones underneath. She showed him all the sadness, the darkness, the weakness, her beating heart and pulsing veins. And he accepted all of them, he accepted her as a whole and loved every inch of her body, her sickness, her emptiness. She loved him with all the madness in her soul. When the glorious sadness broke her and brought her to her knees, his patience was the needle and his love was the thread that stitched her back together. Even when she was empty, he saw so much in her.
She light put her hand on his face and kissed him softly, and although she felt untouchable he wrapped his arms around her and a wave of comfort and security washed over her.
"Please.. Forgive me." she whispered in his ear.
"Of course. I love you." he said, smoothing her hair back. The tension of silence and sadness surrounded them, hung in the air and haunted them as Jade pulled Beck's shirt over his head, prepared to thank him in the best way she knew how.
All he wanted was to make it go away, but he didn't know how to help, and he put a little more life in her cold body with his broken hallelujah.
They were fighting again, in his RV. Jade had started it, as she usually does, it was always something he said or something he did that she had to blow out of proportion just for the sick thrill. She loved it. She thrived on the tension, she loved the feeling of heated blood through her veins, she loved the loud pulse of her heartbeat in her ears, and most of all, she loved seeing him get angry at her. Running his fingers through his hair, he turned around and angrily punched the cabinet, his knuckles getting hot afterwards. He tried to keep up with the "cool, calm" façade during school, but alone with her, he could always peel that away.
"Do I even mean anything to you!" she yelled at him, a phrase she pulled out every once in a while, just to push his buttons and boil his blood.
He stormed at her, grabbed her wrists and pinned her to the back of the door above her head, slamming a little bit too hard, because she had taken this argument too far.
"You mean everything to me," he said with furious eyes locked with hers, ready to give in to his most animalistic desires.
She bit her lip, trying to hide her satisfied smirk, and she knew what came next. His lips came crashing down on hers and he bit down on her lips until she couldn't speak anymore, couldn't say any of her hurtful words or start any petty arguments. He moved down to her neck, biting hard, intending on leaving a mark. He wish he could give her something more permanent than bruises, tattoo his name on her forehead and kiss her everywhere possible so no one except him could ever touch her. He knew that tomorrow morning she'd admire the bruises as if they were trophies.
In return, she ripped his shirt over his head, digging her nails into his back and clawing at his skin, the pleasure of pain seeping down to his bones. They were just so angry at each other but they loved each other so much, they wanted to shred each other to pieces because they wanted to hurt each other and they knew it would make the other happy.
She bites his lip as she kisses him, feeling either sweat or blood drip down his spine. His unshaved face scratched her own soft cheeks, and the friction and the taste of blood on her lips excites her.
He runs his hands down her body, slowly past her soft arms, down her arched back and examining every curve of her waist and hips. He was strong and handsome and she was fragile and pale, and after the arguing stunt she pulled, she will let him do whatever he pleases. He was always labeled as the masochist for putting up with her, but in privacy, he let out all the frustration as a living, breathing sadist. She was never gentle with her words, he was never gentle with her body. And now it was his turn to enjoy the fury, the energy, the passion, the anger.
They paused for a moment and created space between them, smiling with heaving chests, damaged bodies, and hungry eyes. Halle-fucking-lujah they were in love, because they loved how much it hurt.
The light of a September sunset filled the air, a luxury he could never encounter from the tinted windows of his RV. The slanted light spilled on her pale skin like orange paint on a white canvas, contrasting with the green grass below their backs.
They both take a moment, his brown eyes lock with her blue ones and he swims in them and drinks the sunlight in her skin. They don't move, they don't speak. At that moment he is the center of her universe and she is the center of his. The feelings overwhelm them, love, warmth, desire, passion, they get under their skin, dig roots in their bones.
And all that she feels she leaves unsaid, but she knows that he knows about them. Like how he got to a part in her heart she didn't even know she had, and that no one will ever again touch. How lying next to him bantering was better than any heaven she could ever imagine. How he had gripped her by the soul and refused to let go.
He was everything she never could be, and vice versa- they were a package deal, really. Where she lacks compassion, he kills with kindness and sweetness and humanity. When he lacks strength, she is the first to speak up for him, and say the things she knows he can't.
Sometimes she wonders how she ever fell in love with someone like him. How he stole her heart without her permission, and held it gently in his hands, while she clutched his with desperation. She was a strong girl until he came around, yet one look from him and she would give him her soul, body, attention, everything there is to her. If he was one of her downfalls, why was he so good to her?The feeling of her breath crawling across his cheek brought him back to reality.
"If ever," she mumbled sleepily," If ever there was a moment where I could completely freeze time… you know, stand still and everything… it'd be right now."
He kissed the side of her head, unable to think of how it could get any better than that.
"Why can't we just stay here, Jade… grow old?" he said, fully prepared to hold her there until they both died, and meet on the other side.
"Let's just… breathe."
However, the moment passes, and the sun refuses to stop setting.
And all he can do is mutter a soft-spoken "Hallelujah" under his breath, because he knows that he's got her.
...And now that I'm publishing this I've got more ideas. Second chapter, yes/no?