A/N: and a hardy 'happy thanksgiving' for those of you on FFnet :3
this little bit is a collection of silly ideas i had for either one-liners or just crack scenes that didn't really fit anywhere else and i simply wrote them down as a means to not forget... re-reading and deciding i had to share them 'somehow', i dredged up what would be a decent final scene to round this out into a length at least worth reading... the last two are a part of my most recent play through that i beat some time ago, but honestly, what i was thinking at the time XD
so, without further ado...
Decidedly 'Bad' Decisions…
While talking with Jowan and Lily about escaping, "Yes, I'll do all the dirty work, while you stay here and make out with your chantry wench," blaze fair wave of the hand back at the dark haired mage while he growls and she gasps.
Drinking weird potions in succession:
"Ooh, I wonder what these are?" Tess poked one of the two vials sitting on a desk at the top of the tower at Soilder's Peak.
Alistair looked at her with a peaked worried brow, "I'd probably not mess with the ancient vials of who-knows-what-concoction," his eyes narrowed suspiciously as he stepped closer, "They could be some kind of acid… or something…"
Morrigan rolled her eyes as she snorted, "Idiots," the wilds mage had a dusty and ages old journal in her hand, lightly skimming it as she walked up behind to two armor clad morons, "T'is some experimental potions, if these notes are to be believed…" She flipped a page nonchalant, not bothering to looked at the 'idiots' any more.
Tess' ear twitched as she poked the other vial, "So what do they do?"
There was something that sounded like an irritated groan as the dark mage flipped the page again, "Yes, ask me, I'm the one with the book of answers…"
Alistair looked over his shoulder with narrowed eyes at the witch's flippant tone, "No need to sound so 'over taxed'," he crossed his arms, facing her fully, "You are holding that journal that was conveniently near these things, and quite frankly I'd rather not mess with some mystery mage-thing."
" 'Mage-Thing', yes," She rolled her golden eyes, "Your astuteness astounds me at times," The not-Templar just glared at her, which she responded with a superior smirk, "Well, since you asked sooo nicely," Tess snorted while still looking at the two vials, her companions ignoring her, "According to this musty old journal, one is meant to improve a Warden's vitality and combat abilities… the other," she shrugged, "Looks as though T'is meant to bestow some form of blood magick ability, allowing the user to build a vital connection to an opponent and meant to crush them from the inside out while restoring the Warden's own strength…" She read it rather flatly; if there was one thing Morrigan inherited from her mother it was the old hag's distain for blood magic. Why use magick when wit was perfectly capable of controlling foes just as well… and when that didn't work, so did a nice fireball or cone of cold.
"Ugh," Alistair had an amusing grimace on his face as he just stared at the wild woman with his mouth hanging open.
Sensing idiots staring, Morrigan raised a black brow and turning her golden demon eyes from the book, "Something the matter, dolt, or are you trying to catch flies like that?"
His stare continued, "How can you just stand there and read that like there's nothing wrong with it?"
Black brow rose, "There are many paths to power, some simple others unusual," she stood straight staring 'down' at the taller man, "I've no interest in methods such as this, though it seems former Wardens thought it necessary," her eyes narrowed as she frowned, as close to a grimace as she was going to get, "I've no liking for this form of magic, its repugnant, and only proves how weak and ill-prepared you Wardens are," she took a step closer to the man who was now glaring at her, "Begs the question, just how far would you go to see an end to this?"
Alistair just stayed silent, glaring down at the witch. He hated her at that moment, not only for damning the Wardens but questioning his own intentions in one fell blow. It was an odd consolation knowing that she was just as repulsed by the experiments and actions taken in this place, but it wasn't enough to excuse her damning the Wardens.
"So, uh," The two glaring at each other turned to see their diminutive leader holding both vials, a white brow raised on her features as she blinked at the 'almost' fight about to start between the two, "Which one's which?"
Whatever tension there was immediately evaporated as the witch and not-Templar just stared at their leader. She wasn't honestly considering…
"Oh, well," the armor clad elf shrugged, "Guess two's better than one," and before either of her companions could stop her, Tess had tilted her head back and downed both potions. When she was done she gave a satisfied 'Ahh' and tossed both now-empty vials over her shoulder to crash into a wall somewhere, "Alright, let's go!"
Alistair and Morrigan just stared, mouths may or may not have been left hanging open at the 'stupidity' of their leader…
… Who took all of three steps before falling flat on her face.
"TESS!" Alistair immediately went to the fallen woman's side, turning her over and checking for a pulse, it was erratic but still there.
Morrigan's hand met face, "Idiot," She stomped over to their downed leader, a scowl marring her dark features, as she crouched next to the apparently unconscious woman and slapping her across the face with no reaction, "You never, NEVER, consume two potions, LET ALONE UNKNOWN POTIONS, in immediate succession!"
Alisair grimaced, "S-she's alive, it can't b-be that bad?"
Morrigan's molten fury turned towards the not-Templar, "She's lucky to be alive!" The witch sat back, frown obvious on her face as she crossed her arms, "We have no idea what could happen, mixing those potions together."
Drinking with Oghren:
"Now alright, girl," the stout little red-haired dwarf pointed emphatically at the taller elf-woman, "all ya gotta do is drink this, touch your nose, stand on one foot, and manage to grab that cherry off the bar with your teeth, got it!"
Tess looked pumped as she nodded firmly.
The red-headed dwarf laughed, "That's the spirit, we'll make a dwarf of you yet," he slapped her on the shoulder before throwing a brew in her hand, "Time to start girl!"
Tess looked at the brew with determination, this was it, she finally got to drink Oghren's special brew…
She took one sip and fell flat on her ass…
Everyone in camp agreed, never try Oghren's special brew.
Drinking Dragon Blood for kicks:
"I've been wondering," Morrigan said as she looked at their leader, cup in hand of the 'new' Andraste's blood, "What is it with you and drinking strange liquids…" there was a mild shutter that the others didn't notice, "Particularly the blood of dangerous creatures?"
Alistair scratched his stubbly chin, "as much as I'm hating to admit this the witch does have a point," he eyed their pointy eared leader, "The joining, the vials in Avernus' tower…"
"Oghren's ale…" the witch added flatly.
The not-Templar shivered before continuing, "And all of them end up with you knocked out on your arse…"
Crystalline eyes blinked.
Kolgrin grunted, "Just drink it and gain eternal knowledge!"
"You heard the crazy cultist!" and with that their illustrious leader tipped back the silver chalice filled with dragon's blood…
… and fell over on her side completely unconscious…
"And here we go again…" Morrigan muttered, hand firmly on face.
Sneaking into Howe's place:
"I've a question," Morrigan asked bluntly while the four of them were crowded around behind a bush wearing stupid looking armor.
"Not now woman," Alistair said a bit harsher than normal.
Gold eyes glared at him, "One being why exactly I'm here?" she looked at their gathered group, "Although looking around T'is seems hardly out of place…"
"Oh, and what makes you say that?" Zevran suavely asked the luscious dark woman.
Gold eyes glared even more at him, "Primarily I'm wondering how in all creation we're to pull this off when the only one of us that can pass as a decent guard is Alistair!" she growled pointing at the man.
"I-wha?" said man turned to her, flabbergasted she called him by his name instead of some insult, it was really scary.
The witch's eyes became flat on him, "I take that back…"
"Hmm," all eyes turned to their leader as the dark skinned elf tapped her chin, "She may have a point…"
Two sets of brows rose, "How so?" "You don't say?"
Crystalline eyes blinked at the echo from the two men, "Well, let's see, Morrigan doesn't wear armor, or clothing, well," the witch snorted, "Zevran's too short to be a guard… and has Giorgio following him around," she pointed at the giant poisonous spider Zevran had started loving to summon with his new ranger abilities, "And I'm partially incorporeal…" she pointed at herself, having her evolved combat magic active that made her technically a spirit and half-way in the fade. She stuck her hand through her chest to prove the point…
"I… see…" Alistair, the apparently only 'normal' one of the four of them nodded slowly, "This does seem like something of a mix up…"
"You think?" Morrigan gripped.
"Who votes we just tear in there and blow the place up until we find the queen," Tess raised her hand, Zevran and Morrigan's following hers with muffled shouts of 'aye', Alistair's hand met face.
"Wait," Alistair looked at their leader, something the witch had said sticking in his mind, "Why did we bring the witch?" Gold eyes glared at the finger pointing at her, "Why not bring Leliana…"
Both elves went 'oooh' and Morrigan just shook her head.
"What?" the bastard prince questioned.
"My friend," Zevran put his hand on the larger man's shoulder, "from what I've gathered the last time dear Leliana was here, specifically, she was beaten and nearly tortured to death…"
"Don't forget betrayed and possibly violated," Tess raised one hand to make a point while giving her graphic statement in a practically nonchalant manner.
Morrigan shivered, "Did not need to know that…"
The elves looked at the humans, shared a look, then stared at them again flatly.
"Plus no one else would pass as a 'normal'," Tess used air quotes, " 'Human'," still using them air quotes, "in armor to be one of Howe's guards…"
Alistair raised a strawberry blonde brow, going through the list in his head and realizing there was only one other human in their camp, "Wynne?"
"Requires a staff and do you see any guards that are 'mages'?" Tess said flatly before pointing at Morrigan in clothing, "And Morrigan's proven more than apt with two blades in her hands…"
"Which is something that still amazes me every time I see it," Zevran added luridly.
Both humans rolled their eyes.
"Fine…" Morrigan growled before glaring gold at the two elves, "Though T'would still be a better plan if you were to lose the spider and you became of the earthly realm again…"
Both elves pouted in unison, "Spoilsport!"
Reciting Shakespearian prose at inappropriate times:
"You all have been charged with kidnapping the Queen," Sire Catherine spoke as she held her broad sword in one hand and pointed at the motley group of offenders, including what looked like a ghost, wild woman, elf, idiot and giant spider. How the hell did these idiots 'sneak' into Arl Howe's estate, find the Queen's guest chambers, and manage to 'kidnap' her? "Hand her over quickly and you will be killed!"
"Shouldn't that be 'or killed'?" Alistair held one hand up in question while Morrigan just shook her head next to him.
"No… no, sounds about right from what I'm used to," Zevran mused while absently petting Giorgio.
Anora held her hand out as if to grab their 'leader' by the short woman's pauldron, then remembered she was effectively a 'ghost' and couldn't exactly be touched half the time, "G-Grey Warden," when the 'ghost' turned her way, or she assumed it was her way with her face being unreadable since it was partly see-through, "Perhaps it would be best to surrender now, and I can talk them down from an execution…"
There may or may not have been a snort from the decidedly grumpier then normal Witch.
Zevran slapped his hand against his thigh, "Ha! That's funny!"
"Lemme think," Alistair piped in with a bored look, "We're currently in the company of a Crow, Witch, Bastard, and Tess," he held out one finger for each. When a giant furry leg poked him and he turned to find the spindly 'face' of Giorgio the 'bastard' gulped, "I mean, 'And' Giorgio," holding out his thumb and quickly looking away from the spider, "No, I don't think that's going to work your highness…"
Anora gave her husband's bastard brother a harsh glare, as if his even speaking in her presence was an affront to her power.
"Pfft," Tess shrugged, or at least that's what the others assumed, it was really hard to tell with the whole 'ghost' deal from her combat magic.
"Your answer, Grey Warden!" Sire Catherine bellowed again, accented by the crossbowmen at her sides raising their weapons and aiming them at the glowing 'ghost'.
Tess, their questionably insane leader, took several steps forward and off to the side, all the crossbowmen following the silent woman as she went. The ghost stood there for a moment, looking at nothing as far as anyone could tell before she 'turned' on Sire Catherine, flat eyes on her glowing form with her hands held neatly behind her back, "I'd like to see you try…"
The dark haired woman merely frowned, held out her broad sword and shouted to her men, "FIRE!"
A hail of crossbow fire ejected itself at the solitary warden.
Anora screamed while covering her eyes.
Morrigan rolled her eyes.
And Zevran and Giorgio just smiled.
Most of the crossbow bolts bounced off the battle mage's mage aura, what few made it through simply passed right through the 'ghost'. The normally dark skinned and vibrantly tattooed female elf just continued to look very blaze fair, "Is that all?"
The crossbowman gapped.
At the sound of Tess' voice, Anora turned back to see the 'ghost' as fine as she'd ever been, "Wha-how?"
Again Morrigan rolled her golden cat eyes, but felt this moment appropriate to comment, "T'would honestly be a surprise if such a trifle could harm THE Grey Warden at this point…"
Her other companions only nodded.
Sire Catherine was not amused, "Reload!" she barked at her men, not realizing the Warden's Miasma had most of her men moving sluggishly while the rest were too stupefied by the ghost to bother trying. The dark haired commander faced her opponent, hand gripped tightly on her blade…
The Warden made a 'come hither' motion…
… and the female knight growled, drawing her blade back and charging at the elf-woman, intent on skewering the blasphemer.
There were two things Sire Catherine failed to take into account. One, Tess' advanced combat magic was still active and made her partially a member of the fade, so to the tiny woman's companions it was no surprise when the female-knight's large blade simply phased right through her. And two, if it actually did any damage, this was Tess the Grey Warden, she'd taken down Flemeth, Fade demons, an Arisen Andraste, and backhanded ogres any day of the week, particularly on Fridays since they always seem to like spoiling Fridays, a little sword in the gut? Nothing…
So again, while it was no surprise to anyone else on the diminutive lunatic's side, Sire Catherine was rather stunned. Her eyes trailed her blade as she could see it going straight through the glowing ghostly Warden, all the way up to the woman's see-through face that didn't look one bit amused. While looking into those glowing eyes, Sire Catherine gulped.
The next instant involved a distinct heavily plated, corporeal, fist going right into the female-knight's face that sent her to the ground.
Tess' group could only sigh at the crazy little elf's newfound love of theatrics…
Wiping the blood from the cut of the rather 'real' feeling gauntlet, or a broken nose, Sire Catherine looked back up at the 'ghost'. Tess was cracking her knuckles in a threatening manner staring down at the female-knight, her broad sword still sticking out of the woman's chest. The downed woman glared, lowered her hand and made a move to get up, grab her sword and finish what she started…
Tess opened one hand and shot a blast of death magic right into the woman's face…
Catherine stumbled back onto the ground, rubbing her eyes and trying to remove the stinging pain of the bubbling magic.
There was a strange sound of a sword being removed…
… and Sire Catherine had only a moment to look up to see her own blade, now ghostly and glowing in the hand of the little Elf Mage, seeming far bigger and looming then it normally was…
Only for it to quickly come down, and Sire Catherine was no more.
Anora was holding a hand over her mouth, blue eyes wide in absolute shock at what the so laid-back and whimsical Warden had done. Through their quick travel she had thought the female Warden was gentle, loony, spastic and totally out there as she charged ahead idiotically with a blade as big as she was, and the stupidity in the tactic while claiming to be a 'mage', but overall she'd seemed… the least threatening, to say the least. Despite her whimsy, stupidity and questionable choices, she'd still seemed… well Anora didn't remember whatever she'd thought as the ghost woman leaned down and picked up Sire Catherine's head, laying the dead woman's broadsword easily on her shoulder.
"Alas poor Catherine," The questionably sane elf was holding the dead woman's head aloft atop one hand, seemingly speaking to it with a rather placid look on her face, "I knew her, Giorgio~" the giant spider chitter happily, expecting to get a taste of that little morsel in the little elf-woman's hand, "A lady of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy," the dramatic elf raised the woman's head as if exonerating her, only really accomplishing scaring the piss out of anyone that didn't really know her, "she hath borne me on her shoulders a thousand times," adding a touch more flair, and slight fake weeping, "and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is!" shunning by covering her face into her shoulder, "My gorge rises at it." Turning back to the still rather fresh decapitated head with what could only be considered a 'creepy' look in her eyes, "Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft." Someone gagged in the background, most likely Morrigan, "Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? Your songs? Your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar?"
"Are you finished?!" The dark wilds mage scowled when the little psycho turned back towards her compatriots. Alistair looked like he was going to hurl and Zevran and Giorgio looked close to tears at her performance.
The little white haired ghost-elf blinked.
Morrigan scowled further, pointing at the little psychopath, "Do something about that 'fore it blows apart your arm!"
There was a collective gasp from those not in the Warden's party, though the woman herself seemed to just sigh, "Fine," she gave a weary complaint, tossing the head of Sire Catherine towards the crossbowmen behind her, taking the woman's sword as her trophy and not bothering to look back as the disturbed men instinctively caught the thing, "Ruin my fun why don't you…"
The next second was filled with a giant explosion as Sire Catherine's head managed to take out the rest of the crossbowmen that stood in the group's way. If there were men not killed in the blast they either remained down and feigned death or were simply knocked out. Either way, the few that survived that day would spread stories of the horror that was Sire Catherine's death at the hands of the INSANE Grey Warden.
A/N: nothing says 'Happy Thanksgiving' like Shakespeare and dark comedy XD yes, Tess' lines to Sire Catherine's head is actually only a 'slightly' modified version of the real lines from Hamlet to poor Yorick... why would Tess know shakespeare? who knows, they live in fantasy Britain and she grew up in a library, put two and two together XD
the comment about drinking blood is valid, while i didn't 'keep' that run in my 'cannon', because i can't bring myself to follow the crazy cultist and destroy Andraste's ashes, even though i had Sten and Morrigan and both were like 'this is stupid', i did do that little bit to get Reaver and thought it was freakin' hilarious, because at that point, yea, why has my Warden drunken so much random blood?
and yes, i named the spider Giorgio, originally it was just a joke, then it just kind of stuck :P
alas, by the end there, since once you're set for the blighted landsmeet everything's about over, my entire crew was just so angsty, and Tess being the most, its no wonder they're all rather bored with a little bloodshed and annoying humans :P Anora's going to think twice about pulling any shenanigans on this crazy lot... XD
oh well, happy holidays, hope you enjoy...
Till next -salute-waves- Sayounara, Mina!