Title: Cramps and Vamps
Category: BtVS, B/S, Tampax/ClearBlue Easy/Ortho Tri-Cyclen. Parody, baby.
Rating: PG-13, cause anything beyond that when discussing the topic at hand is totally unnecessary.
Disclaimers: Joss, ME, blah, blah, blah. You think if I owned them I'd treat them like this?
Author's Notes: I write to amuse myself, but I hope y'all enjoy this. It's meant to be a parody. If ya wanna review and flame me go ahead, I'll happily use them to ignite my Flaming Moe's.
Summary: Basically, Spike circles his calendar every month waiting for his "special treat" until one month Buffy has no gift to give, if you know what I mean.
Dedication: This would not exist without the people at TWoP. The hilarious discussions of these brilliant people actually caused me to dream this fic.
The crypt door slammed open with an unnecessarily loud bang, nicely alerting Spike to his lover's arrival. He lay back on the bed, careful not to disturb the rose petals that deftly covered his manly bits.
Buffy came down the stairs and stopped short at the sight in front of her.
"Hello, cutie," Spike drawled in his sexy English accent. "Come for a bit of cold hard comfort, pet? Because I've got the cure for what ails you, luv. Don't ever say Spike isn't considerate of his little Goldilocks. Let me ease your pain, slayer." Spike patted the bed beside him.
Buffy's eyes went as wide as saucers. Spike, naked, lounging in rose petals. Laughter shook her body and reverberated around the room.
"What exactly are you doing, you idiot?"
"Bwa!" Buffy was highly amused; especially since Spike's usual idea of seduction was being dealt a few swift kicks to the head. "I think we're past the seduction phase."
Despite the ridiculous scene in front of her, Buffy sat on the side of his incredibly sturdy bed. "Cor, luv, are you saying the romance has gone out of our relationship?" Spike asked as he gently tugged her closer, still strategically covered by flowers. He nuzzled her neck, breathing in her scent with his non-existent breath.
Buffy relaxed at his ministrations and almost swooned at his cold, icy touch, which set her fiery skin on fire. She made no protest as he magically divested her of her skimpy clothes. Good seduction.
Spike pulled back. "You smell…off."
Bad seduction. "What?"
"Really, something's missing."
"Oh, yeah. I cut back. Make with the money saving and all. So no more vanilla body wash. Or vanilla perfume. Or vanilla bath beads. Or vanilla shampoo. Or vanilla moisturiser. Or vanilla ice cream. It's strictly Ivory for me from now on."
"That's not it, you silly bint." Spike sucked in a large, unnecessary breath, breathing in as much of her breathtaking scent as was possible for a creature that didn't need to breathe. "What have you done? Where is it?"
"What the hell are you talking about, Chip Boy?"
"That intoxicating odour of copper and pepper and metal and fire. How the hell are you hiding it?" Spike shifted Buffy along side him, and slid a hand between her legs. He groped around like a teenager on his first date, puzzlement clouding his clear blue eyes.
"And you're looking for?" Buffy really wasn't enjoying being pawed like a fuzzy bunny at the local petting zoo.
"The little string…you know…for your monthlies."
"MY WHAT-LIES!?" Buffy jumped up and frantically searched for her clothes. No way was she discussing her period with Spike. And, eww, he could smell her when she was on the rag? This was almost worse than spending time with Dawn. Almost.
"That's none of your business. But just so you know, I'm not due for another few days." She shrugged into her stylish yet affordable sweater; her fashionable yet reasonably priced leather pants, and her trendy yet easy-on-the-pocket boots.
"Not by my count, got it all timed out right here." Spike perused the leather bound day planner that he had conveniently left on the nightstand. "See, red fanged happy face on today's date. Means you're due. Now where's my treat?"
"You keep a diary of my menstrual cycle?"
"Among other things. Don't get your knickers in a twist. I prefer you without your knickers anyway." Buffy rolled her eyes, a gesture Spike took to mean, I'm gonna pretend not to care, but I'm still gonna stand here and listen to you even though you are a dead sexy evil blood-sucking fiend.
"Besides, you've been the PMS bitch from hell for the past few days, which signifies the onset of slayer cramps. Not a pretty sight. Only reason I put up with you is the promise of a little blood from your sweet chalice."
"This conversation is totally over. I'm not having my period and I am not a bitch!"
"Cor, slayer, you're missing the point. Hello, vampire, remember? I know blood. And you should be bloody bleedin' like a bleedin' bloody fountain right now." Spike drifted off as a wistful look came into his cerulean blue orbs.
"You sick freak!"
"Didn't hear you complaining last month. Or the month before that. Seem to remember you screaming my name and telling me I was gonna save you a lot of money on tampons."
"Ugh." Buffy tried for casual nonchalance, but her deep hazel eyes betrayed the truth of Spike's words. Bastard. "Well, you're wrong. And we're never doing that again. I can't believe I let you do that in the first place."
"Blimey slayer, you aren't half a nutter. I believe you said the same thing the first time we kissed, and look where that led…"
With a swift, non-foreplay type kick to the head, Buffy shut Spike's big yap up, and made a run for it.
What was a horny chipped vampire still covered in rose petals to do? Make potpourri, of course.
"So, then Janice was all like, 'Brian likes me, not you.' And I was all 'Get out, get out, GET OUT', which, I know, isn't the best comeback of all time, but luckily for me her ears began to bleed at that exact moment, so I sort of won. " Dawn flounced onto the seat beside Buffy. "What causes ears to bleed anyway?"
Mystical glowy keys who don't know when to shut up.
Buffy sat at the research table in the Magic Box, staring blankly into space like she had been ripped out of heeaaa-ven, secretly hoping for another catatonic state to overcome her. Or maybe spontaneous combustion. Spontaneous combustion would be of the good.
"Fine, just ignore me. It's not like you're really here anyway. I'm getting OUT!" With that, Dawn stomped out of the shop, stuffing a dozen crystals into her bag and a few slug-scented candles into her pants as she went.
"Boy, she isn't even trying any more, is she?" Willow commented. "Not like me. See?"
Willow held up a t-shirt that read 'I Kicked Magic. Ask Me How!' which she had styled herself using the 'Bedazzler' Anya bought her on Ebay in order to keep her hands busy with something other than magic. Unfortunately, it seemed to be working too well, as Willow now surreptitiously Bedazzled every item of clothing she saw, even if someone was wearing it at the time. Buffy has lost fourteen tasteful yet economical peasant blouses alone to the rhinestone Wicca.
Buffy smiled wanly at her best friend, the most emotion she had shown since said control freak best friend had ripped her out of heeaaa-ven.
The petite slayer's mind was on other things. Spike mostly. Which was unusual, because usually it was her body that was on him. Repeatedly. In many different positions.
Last night's abortive little sexcapade had worried her more than she cared to admit. Spike had been right. She did like it when he licked her from top to bottom like a Fudgsicle melting in the noon day sun that just keeps running down the back of your hand no matter how fast you try to eat it and that leaves a sticky residue you just loathe to wash off so you lick it again and again with long, cool strokes of your amazingly talented tongue which results in another mind-blowing orgasm and…Whoa, somewhere along the line Buffy really lost the analogy.
"Buffy, are you alright?" Willow tried to act concerned, but all she could think about was getting her hands on Buffy's new leather pants. In a non-gay way, of course. The Bedazzler was calling to her like a sweet siren. It made everything easier. It made her special. No one would love the girl she was before she had the Bedazzler. That girl was a nobody. Willow needed the Bedazzler. Really.
Buffy looked at her sweet but terribly controlling best friend and decided to bite the bullet, spill the beans, get this whole thing off her chest, take the plunge and reveal all about her clandestine yet sexy relationship with the well muscled but shifty fiend.
"Will, I need to talk to you about Spike."
"Speak of the devil." The unnecessary and completely annoying shop bell rang at that moment, and in swaggered Spike, projecting dangerous sexuality paired with cool rock star like confidence. And that was just the coat.
"Slayer, we need to talk." Not bothering with pleasantries, Spike grabbed Buffy by the arm and dragged her away from the research table.
"Spike, not here." His hand on her arm was rough but gentle, fierce yet sensuous, ice and fire all at the same time. And it was turning her on more than any other person had ever been turned on in the history of the world. What could she do? Spike just had that effect on her.
Buffy was trying to figure out how to get Spike in the back room so that they could have sex. Repeatedly. In many different positions. He broke the mood when she noticed he was taking large unnecessary breaths, sniffing the air around her like a pig routing for truffles.
"Still no visit from Tammy and Patty? Still waiting for the red coats to come marching in? And here me with a hankering for a Bloody Mary."
"Spike we discussed this. It's none of your business,"
"I think the fact some poncy nancy boy impregnated you while we're shagging like minxes is my business, slayer."
"Wha? No, no. No impregnation."
"Is that right?" Spike cocked his head to one side and arched his eyebrow in a manner that was so devilishly handsome, God himself would be unable to refuse the evil blood-sucking fiend anything. "I've been around a long time slayer. Learned a few things. Moody bitchiness plus missed periods equals pregnancy-a-go-go."
"You're off your rocker. A few bricks short of a load. Out to lunch. Lost the plot I can't be pregnant – you're the only impotent and infertile vampire I've been with."
"Are you or are you not late?"
"Hello, vampire. Can't fertilize your fields with my dead seed. So, did you let soldier boy do it? Did you get horizontal with the enormous hall monitor?"
"A world of no! And I'm not pregnant. It's just pressure, dealing with Dawn's stealing and Willow's magic, and Xander's puffiness…"
"Care to make a wager?" Spike held up a small brown paper bag and handed it to the confused Slayer. All she wanted to do was have sex. Why did he have to be so difficult?
"You bought me a home pregnancy kit?"
"Lady at the pharmacy was right helpful. Can take it anytime, results in under 5 minutes, over 90% accurate. Now make with the urine flow." Spike was trying to hold back his evil seething anger, as he was furious of the thought of his girl with another man. He had to make sure she wasn't pregnant.
"No way! This is ridiculous! You think just because I'm…"
Buffy blushed furiously as Anya came up to the cash register and jumped right into the private conversation. "I'm not, I mean, it's just stress, I can't be…"
"Spike, where are the sachets?" Anya demanded with a little tap of her foot.
"Uh, Anya," Spike fidgeted nervously, like the cat who ate the canary, "I thought we agreed to keep this between the two of us, nice and quiet like."
"You're keeping quiet with the what now?" Buffy looked from the demon to the ex-demon with her expressive, wide, saucer-like eyes.
"Spike, if you're unable to fill the order, than I'll have to find another supplier. I do have a business to run."
"Bollocks, woman, ever heard of patience? You'll get your sodding sachets on Saturday."
"Sachets?" Buffy attempted to put two and two together, but came up blank. "What is going on here?"
"Spike owes me two hundred potpourri sachets. They're one of our best sellers, but if he can't keep up with the demand, I'll have to go elsewhere."
"You make potpourri?"
"Why else do you think I have all those flowers around the crypt? Get 'em for free off the graves in the cemetary. A chap needs to earn a few bob. Keeps me in fags and whisky."
"Cor, pregnancy does make women stupider. Yes, Slayer, I'm a poufy prancing sissy who makes potpourri. Now that that's out in the open, will you please go take the bloody sodding test?"
"Buffy's pregnant?" Anya and Willow asked in unison.
Stomping off angrily as was her want, with a flip of her hair and a backward glance at Spike that could boil blood, Buffy took the brown paper bag and decided in a mature manner to settle this matter once and for all.
Spike , Anya, and Willow sat in pregnant silence for the next five minutes, awaiting news of Buffy's pregnancy.
When she finally emerged, Spike flew to Buffy's side with his amazing vampiric speed abilities. Her face was white as the pure driven snow, and she looked like she had just been told her rabbit had died. Which was apt, as the stick she held out to the vampire had two blue lines. Buffy the vampire slayer was pregnant.
"It's positive." In shock, the emotionally fragile blonde passed out.
"Anya, do you have any smelling salts?" Willow asked frantically, abandoning her Bedazzler for a moment.
"Nothing a swift kick to the groin won't fix."
"What? He's a vampire, he can take it. Stupid vampire, why does he get to pass out? I'm the one who's going to bear his Blade-like offspring."
"Have you given any thought to saving for college, because I can recommend a few excellent programs."
"Anya, I think you're missing the point. Buffy may be pregnant with Spike's child. The child of Spike!"
"Why is that such a surprise? We all knew they were doing it."
"You guys knew?" Willow and Anya both looked sheepish. Buffy decided to make the best of an awkward situation. "Fine, whatever. I guess we we're exactly discreet."
"No. Can I make a suggestion? The next time you two want to have sex at the Bronze, do what Xander and I always do…"
"Ow, bloody hell." Anya was interrupted by Spike's groan as he hauled himself up on a chair.
"Good, you're awake, daddy dearest."
"Buffy, pet, you're not serious." Spike was reeling from the suggestion that he had gotten the slayer pregnant. It was silly, stupid, ridiculous, and inconceivable in every sense of the word. A vampire with a baby. How lame was that?
"Yeah, Buffy, one test doesn't necessarily mean, you know…" Willow held her hands out in front of her in a poor imitation of a swollen belly.
"Yes, I am. I can feel it."
"Slayer senses. I just know."
"If slayer sense are as strong as slayer muscles, then she knows." Spike's thoughts wandered fondly for a moment before he remembered he was a vampire who couldn't have children, something most people seemed to have forgotten recently. "But that doesn't mean you can pin paternity on me."
"A few simple facts, Spike. I'm pregnant, it's yours. And I won't stand for any of this 'vamps can't have children' BS. Take responsibility for your actions, Spike."
Spike's eyes danced like blue flames and burned holes into her equally expressive hazel orbs, which conveyed the truth of her words.
Spike sucked in an unneeded breath as the realization hit him like a ton of Fyarl demons. He was going to be a father. His unbeating heart leapt within his dead chest, giving him the feeling of being alive for a fleeting moment. If he had been alive, he would have stopped breathing. Or maybe hyperventilated. Whichever it was, it would have signified his utter shock coupled with paralysing joy. Joy that would have caused a beating heart to break his chest. But his heart didn't beat, because he was a vampire. An evil vampire who didn't breathe and didn't have a heartbeat. So no worries then.
"Cor, Buffy, luv, pet, sweetheart, this is an amazing miracle."
"No Spike, this is a Afterschool Special on the consequences of a tragic lapse in the use of contraceptives. And I don't believe in miracles. Unless they involve magic redemptive snow. At Christmas. In 70 degree weather. In all day darkness."
The entire gang looked at Buffy like she had lost her mind.
"What? It happened, didn't it?"
"Wait a minute. I know this…sweet merciful Zeus, you two are having sex!" Xander clued in from a dark corner.
Spike smirked his sexy smirk at the whelp. "Repeatedly. In many different positions."
"Xander! You're back from Egypt! Did you bring me gift? Is it expensive?"
"No, no, this is not happening. How can you be having sex with Spike. And why. And again with the how. I need to sit down." Xander put his head between his legs to fight the urge to vomit. It didn't work.
Willow frantically rescued her recent Bedazzling from Xander's projectile vomiting and placed a bucket in his lap.
"S-sso w-wh-what are y-you going t-to d-do?" Tara stammered at Buffy and Spike.
"Tara!" Willow was thrilled to see the woman who introduced her to the joys of lesbian love, even though they weren't together anymore. Because they could still be friends. Friendship was good. Not as good as lesbian love, but it would do. For now. "I didn't see you there."
"Yeah, I g-get th-that a-a lot."
"I'm still gay, you know." Tara nodded shyly. "And I made you this." Willow held up an atrocious beaded corset. Tara smiled bashfully.
Ignoring the gay love fest, Spike possessively walked over to Buffy and wrapped his hand around her stomach.
"DO? I'll tell you what we're bloody going to do." Spike was a vampire on a mission. "We're going to bloody well get married and raise our own mini-bit to be an ass-kicking, punk-loving badass, that's what!"
"I'm not marrying you, you idiot."
"What, you just want to live together? No sodding way. I'm making an honest woman of you."
"We're losing focus here people. We need to determine what kind of demon spawn this is and…HEY! is that a jelly doughnut?" Xander's dependency on deep-fried sugary snacks effectively eliminated him from the rest of the discussion.
"X-Xander's right. T-this c-co-could be a pr-prophecy of s-some kind. Or something he-hellmouthy." Tara stuttered in a sweetly delicate manner that was altogether appealing and bitch-slap worthy all at the same time. "M-maybe I c-co-could p-perform a sp-spell or something."
At the mention of spells, Willow began to frantically stroke her Bedazzler. But not in a gay way.
"Tara's right. If I'm going to have a baby, I want to make sure it's going to be alright."
"So we're having this baby?" Spike asked, his sparkling blue eyes crinkling around the corners, giving him the hopeful look of a desperate puppy dog asking to be taken out for a walk.
"Of course we are you silly fool." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and smiled so brightly it looked like she was back in heeaa-ven. "Now let's research!"
Several hours, a few dozen doughnuts (mostly eaten by Xander) and multiple volumes later, the gang was no nearer to learning anything about the origins of Buffy and Spike's baby. And the strain was beginning to show as the novelty of a slayer/vampire tyke began to wear thin.
"We are not naming it William. That's too wiggy."
"Cor blimey, and Buffy projects so much class. If it's a girl, we'll call her Elizabeth."
"That's where the name Buffy comes from. Only makes sense."
"To a totally unoriginal idiot. Give the kid a new name for god's sake, you moron. And besides, I should get to pick the name. You've done enough already."
The tension had been building up for hours between the prospective parents. They were almost quivering with anticipation. It was so thick you could cut it with a ten-foot pole. Buffy and Spike stood up, sexy and dangerous and ready to fight.
"You knocked me up!" she screamed.
"You knocked me about!" he retorted.
Tangible, white hot, angry passion ignited across the research table as the two unnatural blondes leapt at each other and began rutting like wild animals in heat right there on the last jelly doughnut.
The rest of the Scoobs found other ways to pass the next seven hours.
Anya gleefully counted all the money in the cash register because she really likes money.
Tara sat so quietly and inoffensively that she actually melted into the wall.
Willow continued to sit at the table and alternately research and Bedazzle, as the wild hetero sex had no effect on her whatsoever, since she was GAY NOW.
Xander called his travel agent and booked a return flight to Egypt.
Finally sated, the happy couple put their damn clothes back on and recalled the distaff band of unhappy wanderers who represented the earth's last line of defence against evil. Or something like that.
"So. Any luck?" Buffy asked the gang, a satisfied look crossing her face that said the world's greatest vampire lover has just shagged me for the past seven hours.
"We were the one's getting lucky, pet." Spike smirked.
"With the research." Buffy rolled her eyes, but her hands playfully stoked Spike's muscled chest through his painted on t-shirt, betraying her amusement with the sexy vampire.
"No. But I did make this." Willow held up a tiny baby jumpsuit, completely Bedazzled in bright, blinding sequins that immediately caused instant disorientation to anyone who came into contact with it.
Luckily Spike's amazing vampire abilities allowed him to quickly shield his eyes and snatch the offensive item away from the out-of-control Bedazzle-happy lesbian.
"Red, pull yourself together! No one needs that many sequins."
"But I was helping. And I tried to stop, really I did but – "
"AIEEEEEEE – OW – OH – AIEEEEEEE." Buffy let out a piercing scream that sounded like a thousand Tickle-Me-Elmo's being ground into oblivion by an army of steamrollers. She grabbed her stomach and doubled over with the intense pain. Pain so intense it could disable a slayer, who had the strength of ten men.
Spike immediately rushed to his love's side, finally giving up all vestiges of his evil past with this current display of human concern. The big poufter.
"Cor, Buffy, luv, what's wrong?"
Tears streaked down the slayer's beautiful, soft, rosy cheeks. "I don't know. The baby. Something's wrong. It hurts."
"Red, help me get her to the hospital."
"I can't. I'm addicted to Bedazzling! I need to get some water."
Buffy cried out in pain once more, this time with feeling. "Spike! Help me. Save our baby!"
"Spike! Help me. Save our…"
Buffy awoke with a start. "…baby?"
She took in her surroundings. Ruffle covered bed, cute if hopelessly out of date pictures on the wall. Not a Bedazzler-addicted-lesbian-recovering-witch, sugar-scarfing-puffy-construction worker, money-and-sex –loving-ex-demon, or mysterious-hard-muscled-strangely-endearing-chipped vampire in sight.
And as for a baby. Buffy mentally tried to count back to her last period.
Oh dear god no.
She was late. She was moody and bitchy all the time. (But that really had nothing to do with her period). She was…
…experiencing strangely familiar and mildly uncomfortable achy pains in her lower stomach.
Buffy was having cramps! Yes, yes, yes!
In the bathroom, Buffy hummed a jaunty little tune as she pulled out a box of tampons. Reflecting on her dream, she decided it was better to be safe than sorry, so she'd renew her birth control pill prescription first thing in the morning…
…while on her way home from Spike's crypt after sharing a special treat with the evil but sexually talented undead vampire. Repeatedly. In many different positions.
Quote to Live By:
"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."