Disclaimer: I own neither Narnia nor the Canon Keepers. Whoever came up with the Canon Keepers is an absolute genius, and I heartily commend them. I am merely borrowing CK, Inc. for a little while and I promise to give it back, its well-earned reputation intact.
Many, many thanks to Jealous of the Moon and her fellow CK writers for inspiring this fic.
The second-level Canon Keepers were all sitting around drinking coffee and eating donuts before starting work. There hadn't been much to do, lately, so they all were quite surprised when the red 'Sue-alert light went on and a voice came over the loudspeaker.
"Will Lopez and Simmons report to the main office. Repeat: will Simmons and Lopez please report to the main office."
(The names of these two, unfortunately enough, were Maria Susana Lopez and Garrett Stuart Simmons, but they weren't a bad sort. However, to identify themselves as Canon Keepers and not "Mary Sues" and "Gary Stus", they went by Lopez and Simmons.)
Puddleglum, secretary of the main office, greeted them with a haggard smile. "Good morning, outriders of CK, Inc. Though when I say good I don't mean that it mightn't get worse later on. You'll meet a 'Sue, as likely as not. Be turned into 'Sues yourselves, I shouldn't wonder."
Simmons nodded politely and reached for the doorknob. "We were called up here to get rid of a 'Sue, I believe."
Puddleglum nodded (glumly) before answering. "Ah, it's a bad business. Very bad indeed. One of the Northern Witch's doings, I shouldn't wonder."
"Uh-huh. Well, if you'll excuse us a minute, we'd like to go in and get the facts of the case," Lopez put in.
"Putting a good face on it, I see," Puddleglum replied, opening the door for them.
Susan Pevensie looked up from her desk in exasperation. "We've got a movie!Susan infiltrating The Last Battle and going to Aslan's country to be united with—"
"Her 'twoo wuv' Caspian," Lopez and Simmons "swooned" simultaneously.
"—who 'fetl in his hart of harts that his darling/pet/love/soul mate Susan was neer', so ran out of Aslan's inner Narnia to meet her by the stable door just as she 'apeerd in frunt off him, her sparkleing/velvet/beuatiful/fluterring/violent (read: violet) dres bilowwing as hse runned to meat his.'"
Simmons and Lopez both groaned. "So, we have an 'authoress' who can't spell or use decent grammar."
"Named Willsgurlxx1!1," Susan finished dryly. "Not to mention the fact that Ramandu's daughter doesn't exist at all. Apparently Caspian—ahem!—got Susan pregnant (and she had the baby) before the Pevensies left the second time, and that explains how Rillian came on the scene. Then the Pevensies left and Caspian's been pining over his 'twoo wuv' ever since." She consulted her computer. "She obviously overlooks the fact that Rillian couldn't have been enchanted had his mother not been murdered, in view of the 'greater good,' that is, getting Susan and Caspian back together."
Lopez spoke up. "So, how do we figure into this?"
Susan pushed away from her desk. "Get your stun guns, de-OOC-ifier spray, mind-wiping spray, and 'Sue-guards. You're going into Aslan's country to rid it of the 'Sue. Bring her back here so that she may be properly dealt with." She glanced at the clock. "You have two hours before things really get bad."
It was a bad business, very bad indeed. Those northern witches had something to do with it, I shouldn't wonder.
A/N: Sorry if this is no good. I was just getting rather impatient with all the Suspian fanfics out there (though some, admittedly, are well-written, I can't think of any at the moment). Combine that with reading Jealous of the Moon's Canon Keeper stories, and I just had to write one myself. Enjoy!
Next chapter will be up before the week is out.