Disclaimer: I do not own Narnia or Canon Keepers, Inc. The mention of The Voyage of the Canon Keepers by King Caspian the Seafarer is not mine either; I thought it would add more realism to the characters.
A/N: This is the last chapter in this fic. I don't think I'm made for Canon Keepers. I'm not that technologically advanced; I simply cannot misspell words believably; and, lastly, I do not know textese.
It was not long before the two in the stable, if you could call it a stable, heard the Caspian-who-was-not-Caspian say to the Susan-who-really-should-not-be-here, "Susie, darling, this stable, liek, is really a way to Aslans cuntry!"
"Liek, no!" gasped the 'Su. (I can't properly call her a 'Sue, for she isn't an OC, yet I can't call her Susan, for she isn't truly Susan at all, so I shall continue to call her "the 'Su.") "Then, liek, what are we waiting for? Tack me to Aslans cuntry, my lurv!"
"Here they come," Simmons whispered to Lopez. "Get ready."
The door opened. (It must be recorded that the moment they stepped through, the 'Su's dress became even more pink, fuller, and more sparkly. Caspian's armor disappeared altogether and was replaced by a blue sparkly tunic and tights. The sight of Caspian in tights was enough to make Simmons sick.) The moment "Susan" saw the two Canon Keepers, she shrank back against "Caspian" with a shriek.
"Liek, who are you?" she gasped. "You aren't Canon Keepers, are you?"
Now, being properly brought up, the two bona-fide Canon Keepers could not lie and tell her that they were not, but neither could they tell her they were, and risk having a rabid Susan-Sue running amok through Aslan's country. Simmons, always the cool one under pressure, replied, "Do we look like Canon Keepers?" (In spite of everything they had endured thus far, they did.)
"Liek, seriously," Lopez added sarcastically.
The 'Su still was not satisfied. "Liek, what are your names?"
"Mary Sue," Lopez replied truthfully without missing a beat, and "Gary Stu," Simmons added.
The 'Su breathed a sigh of relief. "I hate those Canon Keepers," she said, beginning to cry. Caspian immediately pulled her to him and began comforting her, glaring at the two for making his Susie cry. "They make my life mizrubal!1 Liek, ttly1 They didn't even let me stay after the Voyage of the Dawn Treader!"
"And I'm eternally grateful to Donovan and Connor for that!" muttered Simmons, referring to the case that King Caspian the Seafarer has recorded in his archive The Voyage of the Canon Keepers. No one except Lopez heard him, and she was hard-pressed to keep from snorting.
"And," put in a tearful Caspian, "they want to ruen our lurv. I mean, liek, isn't it so romantic?"
Simmons, having recently split up with his girlfriend, was ready to gag at the mention of anything being romantic. "It certainly is," he groaned.
Lopez suddenly realized that while this pity party was going on, the two hours the Real Susan Pevensie had given them were quickly running out. "Group hug!" she yelled. Without giving them any time to respond, she and Simmons threw their arms around the pair and held on tight. Lopez pressed the return button on her necklace.
Puddleglum was dozing in his office chair when a strong, repulsive odor woke him up. It was something he had smelled many times before—the smell that alerted him that the Canon Keepers were coming back with a 'Sue in tow. Hence, he was not surprised when a glowing portal appeared in the wall and Lopez and Simmons stepped through, dragging two struggling figures with them.
Without a word, he opened the door to Susan Pevensie's office and motioned them in. The reason why he did this without a word was because he knew from experience that the foul smell grew stronger if you opened your mouth. It was a smell akin to the smell of a pigsty—the sort of foulness you can actually taste.
Susan looked over the two sorry creatures with disdain in her every feature. "So," she said after allowing the silence to become thick and heavy, "you actually thought you were improving the world of fanfiction by acting in this story?"
Caspian, ever the gentleman, blubberingly replied, "It was the authoress! It was the only way I would ever see my Susie again, so I agreed to do it!"
Susan's patience snapped. "I am the true Susan Pevensie, and FOR YOUR INFORMATION I do not relish having my name construed into a nickname like Susie. FURTHERMORE I was never in love with Caspian, who has BLOND hair and BLUE eyes."
The 'Su gulped. "I was only doing what the authoress wanted."
Susan sat down again. "Now, the charges against you are these: 1. using the name and title of a canon character to further your own selfish ends; 2. using horrific grammar and spelling and polluting the whole fanfiction realm for everyone; 3. being unrepentant when confronted with your error. Do you have anything to say?"
Neither one said anything.
"Fine," Susan replied. She reached over to her file cabinet and took out a sparkly pink wand. She pushed a button and waved it over the two—
And where they had stood a moment before were two piles of sparkly dust—one pink and one blue. The annoying smell vanished as the dust disappeared.
"Well done," Susan said to the outriders. "May I have your stun-guns and de-OOC-ifier spray back?"