Title: we started drowning (not like we'd sink any farther)

Characters: Serena/Blair; mention of Louis/Blair; and hints of Chuck/Blair

Rating/Word Count: R/ 1409

Summary: She turns her back to him and sobs into the pillow and dreams of a baby buried in between her breasts.

Notes: I hate the way they write Serena on the show. I hate they way their ruin ships that I love. & yet I still watch. Title from Monster by Paramore.

Spoilers: Up to the season 4 finale with some AU verse thrown in. Slightly inspired by singsongsung fic: tell my love to wreck it all.

Warning: deals with abortion/miscarriage/and pregnancy.

Serena balances four cups of a coffee, a box of props, five scripts, and a box of donuts. All the while keeping her curls perfectly flowing in the ocean air and her heels click clacking against the set's concrete floor.

(if anyone had wondered- Serena takes to California very well)

She has boys that wink at her, can I help you with that, smile, doors open, kisses in broom closets, drinks after work.

(very very very well)

She misses more Blair more than she could ever say out loud. Misses home with an ache in her chest the size of a continent that separates the two.

But she belongs. Long legs, tanned skin, sun in her hair.

After her third martini and a loud and breathy rendition of "Rolling in the Deep" over karaoke with the other assistants at a small shady bar, she goes back to CeCe's and falls into a drunken sleep.

(She dreams about the ocean and the rain and a storm)

Blair calls in the morning when it is still dark out.

"Hey S,"

"Hey B! How's the wedding stuff going?"

Blair is silent. Silent for long enough for Serena to hear her breath hitch.

"Good, everything's wonderful."

Serena catches some mumbling in french and the soft sound of her best friend shifting into the phone.

"You sure?"

Serena can feel it this time, she's somehow aware, can feel Blair as if she's right beside her.

"Yes, just checking in. I love you, S."

Serena smiles, flips through her copy of the script, placing post its and higlighting the scenes that will be shot later that morning. She yawns.

"I love you too. Call me if you need me."

There's a dial tone, Serena shakes her head, and dog ears another page.

Her feet are planted firmly in the sand, the breeze playing with the hem of her skirt, water covering her toes.

She feels settled, older, alive.

Two weeks later Blair calls.

"Meet me in Paris,"

"B, I can't. I have a job." Serena wines finishing painting her big toe red.

"Serena," Blair says biting into her best friends name. "I'm pregnant."

"I'll be on the next flight out."

It's raining when she arrives. The sound of water hitting the cobblestone streets reminds her of knives plunging into skin.

She pushes her straw hat down the top of her head to shield her from the rain and hails a cab to Blair's hotel.

She fits into Blair's chest as if she belonged there.

Shes the same, teeny frame, chanel no. 5 pressed into her neck, brown curls down her back.

But she's different. It's something in her eyes.

Blair runs her left hand along Serena's back and clings to her tightly, the band of her engagement ring leaving goosebumps on Serena's skin.

"I missed you," Serena says into her ear.

"I missed you more," Blair responds resting her chin on Serena's shoulder.

And in her best friend's arms, the hole in Serena's heart starts to seal shut.

Serena bites into her croissant and Blair pushes her food around.

"Blair, you need..."

The brunette throws her fork onto the table. "Don't tell me what I fucking need!"

They finish the meal in silence.

"B, let me help you." Serena begs.

She watches Blair shrivel into nothing but a skeleton.

(She tells people it's stress. The wedding. Not wanting to eat. Eating until she's sick. It's all just stress.)

Watches her spend her whole morning hold up in the bathroom with morning sickness.

"You need to see a doctor."

Blair bites on her lip, crosses her arm. "I don't need anything."

Serena eyes her best friend, sits high and mighty on the counter and swings her legs.

"It's Chuck's isn't it?"

There's a moment of silence as Blair kneels onto the tile and retches into the toilet.

She pulls her head up and wipes her mouth.


Serena bites her lip, "If it was nothing you wouldn't have asked me to come here."

She closes the door behind her and hears Blair vomit again.

Sometimes it's hard to remember the reason she's here.

Serena loves Blair but what is she supposed to do?- Force her to acknowledge that there's a life growing inside of her, force her to eat, force her to look into the mirror and finally acknowledge that there is no royal wedding, no happily ever after to come.

Is that what Blair wants?

For the unspeakable to be aired on the line of public opinion.

Is it?

Later when they are away from Louis' body guards and parents and the press. Away at a small abandoned cafe in the countryside, Blair finally speaks the truth.

I'm getting an abortion.

Serena is the one that wipes away the glittering tears of a girl she loves more than herself.

"I'll make the call."

"Are you ever going to tell him?"

Italy is gorgeous and Blair's morning sickness is worse since they've started the cruise. That night was the first one is days that she finally had enough energy to leave her stateroom.

"Which one?"

The breeze plays with Blair's hair and the hem of Serena's dress.

"Good question. Which one?"

Blair crosses her arms over her abdomen and sighs.

"No," She says to the water moving underneath her. "I'm not."

The night it happens they are ten miles from Florence and the rain is shooting from the sky like daggers.

Blair smiles at Louis her lashes peering up and her cheeks red. She calls him sweetie, and asks him to get her a cup of green tea to help with her nausea.

Sea sick- she says. She had no idea how sea sick she was until this trip.

The appointment was scheduled for the day after next.

Blair breathes, the air tight in her chest, her lungs heavy.

Something's wrong: she knows. She doubles over, her insides feeling like they are being torn from her body.

(my baby- she thinks. For a moment, the one thing she'd been trying to pretend away. The one thing she had failed to acknowledge for four whole months.

Is that my baby?)

There's a gush of blood between her legs and her knees give out.

Serena is the one who finds her.



She leaves bruises on his skin, her slender hip bones crashing into his.

He breathes into her neck and calls her beautiful and lovely and tells her he loves her.

When he is finished and falls asleep, she cries. She turns her back to him and sobs into the pillow and dreams of a baby buried in between her breasts.

Her palm lightly covers her flat abdomen.

I'm so sorry.

(the thing Blair never figures out is who she is apologizing to)

When Blair flutters her eyes open, Serena is there holding her hand.

"Hi B,"

And all she can do is sob.

Serena lays next to Blair in the small cramped hospital bed.

"You saved me." Blair remarks softly.

Serena strokes her hand, her veins pulsing with blood. "Of course I did."

Blair hasn't seen Louis in a week.

It has to mean something that she doesn't miss him.

That she doesn't even want to look him in the eye.

Chuck shows up a week after it happens.

It doesn't take anyone anytime to figure out the truth.

"Where you ever going to tell me?"

(And the truth burns her tongue:

acidic and sharp and biting.)

No, I wasn't.

There is no more fairy-tales no more great loves, nothing more to wish on a star and hope to come true.

Serena holds Blair's hand, their fingers intertwined, sundresses landing right above the knee.

The sky is clear, the sun shining, the pacific ocean settling on bare toes.

"I love you, S"

Serena smiles, sweeps a curl behind Blair's ear.

"I'll always love you best, B"

Blair breathes and throws her engagement ring into the water.

They say goodbye together. To the baby, to the boys, to all the things neither of them could be.

Blair laughs, the sun in hair.

Serena squeezes Blair's hand and the two brave the current, together.