Author's Note: The idea for this fic came to me in a random burst of inspiration. Don't you just love when that happens? I think you're really going to appreciate this little parody. ;D
Disclaimer: iCarly © Dan Schneider
Sam Puckett walked heatedly through the hallway, muttering angry nonsense to herself as she pushed aside any and every poor innocent sap who happened to be blocking her path. She was walking so fast that, of course, she was hardly paying attention to where she was going. It was only inevitable that she'd end up knocking right into some—
There it was.
"Ow," Freddie Benson groaned in severe pain, reaching up to rub his forehead where Sam had collided into him. They'd both tumbled to the ground, sprawled haphazardly on their backs, but Sam was quick to get back on her feet. She brushed herself off and tossed a lock of her hair behind her shoulder.
"Watch where you're going, Fredenstein," she said, looking down to see him still lying on the floor, wincing in pain. She rolled her eyes. How pathetic.
"You know, you could help me up!" Freddie said.
Sam smirked then, deciding to take advantage of this special and rare opportunity. She extended her hand out towards Freddie, and the shocked look that crossed the dork's face was beyond priceless. He clearly couldn't believe that she was willingly and openly performing a small act of kindness. Towards him, of all people.
Boy, was he in for an unpleasant surprise.
Freddie cupped his hand in Sam's, and she hoisted him off the ground in one fell swoop. The motion was so swift that Freddie nearly lost his balance once he was back on his feet. Luckily for him, though, the tight clutch Sam had on his hand kept him in place. She let go and grinned mischievously.
"Thanks," Freddie said, straightening out his backpack.
Sam's blue eyes sparkled dangerously as she took a single step towards Freddie, who immediately leaned away from her.
"Uhhh…" he said nervously, his eyes widening. What a pansy. "What are you doing?"
"Like I said, just watch where you're walking next time, Fredbag," Sam said. She brought up a fist and smacked it into the palm of her hand, cracking her knuckles in a loud, disgusting manner. "Or I'll punch the fudge out of your face." She leaned in closer. Freddie leaned away farther. "Got it?"
The terror in his dark brown eyes said it all. He tried his best to make it seem like he wasn't intimidated by her threat, though, which was just what she was expecting him to do. He straightened his shoulders and scoffed at her, swatting away her fist. It was kind of funny to see that he was so obviously trying to come off all manly and tough.
"Yeah, okay," he said sarcastically. "Whatever you say, Sam."
"That's right, Fredweirdo. Whatever I say."
She reached up and thumped him on the forehead.
"Ow!" Freddie cried, throwing a hand over his forehead. "Geez, Sam, why are you being extra abusive towards me today?"
"'Cause I'm bored and your pain amuses me," Sam said simply.
She decided that now was the perfect time to do what she'd secretly been planning to do this whole time. In one quick move, she walked away from Freddie, and, as she passed by him, she slammed her backpack into him, hard. He screamed as he crashed into the lockers and fell to the ground, coughing and groaning in agony. Sam whipped herself around and looked down to see him curled up on the floor, clutching his sides.
"Well, my work here is done. Mama's gonna go get herself some fishsticks now," she said. "Peace, Benson!"
And with that, she turned on her heel and made her way to the cafeteria. The sound of Freddie moaning in pain was like music to her ears. She grinned victoriously.
As she walked down the hallway and rounded a corner, she suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned around again. Peering around the lockers as stealthily as she could, her face immediately hardened into her typical scowl as she laid eyes on Freddie once more.
"Pssh. Fredward," she scoffed to herself.
She watched as he slowly got to his feet with the help of one of his random geekwad friends.
"What a dork," she went on. "What a nub. What a totally lame, computer geek, know-it-all loser. How I despise him. And yet…"
And that was when Sam took a dramatic pause. She looked to her left. She looked to her right. When she felt that the coast was clear, she reached into the front of her shirt and pulled out a golden, heart-shaped locket. Inside it was a handsome, smiling photograph of the ever-so-dorky Fredward Benson himself.
"I love him!" Sam gushed in a dreamy, extremely un-Sam like voice.
That was when she began her romantic, heat-of-the-moment soliloquy.
"Oh, Freddie, my love, my darling. How I long to taste the sweetness of your delicious lips once more. How I want more than anything for you to hold me in your arms the way you held Carly the night of that horrible Girl's Choice Dance."
Her smile faltered for a moment as she recalled that night.
"Oh, Freddie, why can't you see that beneath my tough, cruel exterior beats the heart of a tormented teenaged girl? How can you be so smart, yet so incredibly dense when it comes to my true feelings for you? Why can't you see that you and I are meant for each other?"
She gently traced her finger over the curve of Freddie's smile.
"Freddie, you nub, how I love your gorgeous smile and your deliciously chocolate eyes. How I love the way you dress so nicely yet so dorky thanks to your psychotic mother. How I love your smokin' hot muscular arms and your adorable laugh."
She sighed dreamily, completely and wholeheartedly caught up in the moment.
"Oh, Freddie, how I love you and your soft, chestnut hair. You truly are my beloved, and my despair."
She closed her eyes and brought the locket up to her lips, giving it a long kiss right on Freddie's mouth. Her heart throbbed wildly in her chest as she let out a dramatic "mwah!" when she pulled the locket away.
"Wow, Sam, I never knew you were such a poet!"
Sam practically jumped out of her skin, nearly dropping the locket as she fumbled with it in her hands. She managed to hastily stuff it back into her shirt before she spun around and came face-to-face with none other than…
Gibby smiled at her.
"Yep, it's me, the Gibbster. How's it—"
Sam didn't give him a chance to finish as she promptly grabbed him by his shirt collar and slammed him up against the lockers.
"How much of that did you hear?" she asked through gritted teeth, glaring at him with one of the deadliest of looks a person could give another person.
Gibby gulped, and when he didn't answer right away, Sam clutched his collar even tighter, hoping he'd begin to choke from the lack of air.
"N-Nothing!" he finally sputtered, a heavy strain in his voice. "Nothing at all!"
"That's what I thought," Sam said, and with that, she released him.
Gibby coughed a few times as she turned her back to him and walked away, leaving him all alone. He watched her retreating form, her footsteps pounding, her blonde curls bouncing with each step.
"Wow," he said, "now that's a woman."
Author's Note: LOL HEY ARNOLD! REFERENCES FTW! XD
I loved Hey Arnold! growing up. It's my second favorite Nicktoon (my favorite is Rugrats). Who could forget the classic, the brilliant, the amazing, "STOOP KID'S AFRAID TO LEAVE HIS STOOP!"
Seriously, though, isn't it cool to think that Arnold and Helga are kind of similar to Freddie and Sam? Arnold and Freddie are both goody-two-shoes, while Helga and Sam are both physically abusive tomboys. Pretty interesting.