a/n so I love Ziva and this was in my head for awhile so I wrote it. I might continue and do the same thing for all of the other NCIS folks. That really depends on what people say about this. If people comment and say hey you should do Tony or Abby or anyone than I'll continue... or if an idea pops in my head for one of them so please let me know what you think. any additions will be added in this format. ten themes that connect somehow and all additions will tie in with the others somehow at some point. so read and review!
1) When she was eight she had her first dance recital. Her father promised he'd be there. She even had her dance teacher, a French lady named Mademoiselle Nicolette save two seats for her parents. Her mother came late. After Ziva had danced her solo that she worked so hard to make perfect. Her father didn't come at all. Even though he promised. Ziva felt a strange emotion rise in her. Anger. Of course she had been angry at someone before but never at her father. She idolized her father. He was strong, a rock. He would keep her and her family safe. But now for the first time he disappointed her and she realized that he was just a man. He wasn't a hero from the books Ari liked to read to her. He was a man. So she forgave him for missing the recital. After all there would be another one in two months.
She forgave her father the first, second, third and even tenth time he missed one of her recitals. He missed all of them but she still forgave him, she gave him the excuses he never bothered to make for himself. He was busy, his job was very important, he was keeping Israel safe. He didn't make the excuses for himself so she did for him. Because he was her rock, he would keep them safe, even if he was just a man. Besides he was her father and isn't that what you did for family?
When she was thirteen she got the lead role in Swan Lake at her dance school. She ran to her father's office when she came home, still in her leotard and hair bun, to tell him. He sat behind his great desk reading reports. Ziva started to tell him about it. Before she even got three sentences out he cut her off. He told her that her dance wasn't important and he had things to do and could she go find someone else to bother?
She started to hate her father that day. Soon she convinced herself she didn't love him or care anymore. After all if she didn't care, he couldn't hurt her. She preformed Swan Lake perfectly. After the final performance she apologized to Mademoiselle, telling her that she couldn't dance anymore. She walked out of the theater, leaving her dance shoes behind. After all if she didn't dance she didn't need to make excuses for missed recitals. That day was when Ziva began to make her heart cold to her father. For years she believed she no longer loved him, respected him as her director? Yes. Feared him and his power? Yes. But love him? No. It wouldn't be until she was trapped in a terrorist camp in the middle of the dessert that she realized that after all he had done to her she still loved her father. Because if she didn't love him, didn't care about him, the fact that he never looked for her, had turned her in to the person she was, wouldn't be able to hurt her so much.
2) Ziva was fifteen when she fell in love for the first time. His name was Adar. He was four years her senior and knew how to woo a girl. He told her pretty things and made her laugh. He stole quiet kisses but treated her with respect. After six months together she let him start to touch her. Chaste kisses became hungry, gentle caresses turned to the easing off of cloths. She lost her virginity and her innocence in one night of passion and cries. Two months later and a missed period she stared at a little pink line on a pregnancy test her brother had smuggled her. She couldn't tell her father; although a part of her thought he might already know. She told Adar the next day. He told her to do the smart thing and get rid of it. He broke her heart that day. Ari took her to a doctor when she visited him the next month. She didn't want to do it. The very idea of an abortion terrified her, but she knew she had no choice.
That day after the doctor finished his procedure, cleansing her body, riding it of the tiny life inside her she went in to the bathroom of the clinic. It was dirty and smelled of things she didn't want to name. She stared in the mirror at her tear streaked face, her hair hanging limp around her cheeks, sticky with sweat. She sat on the toilet and looked in between her thighs and noticed a small blood smear that hadn't been washed away. Sitting in that bathroom she hated herself, but even more she hated Adar. It was then she decided she would never love a man again. She would take them as lovers, bargain with her body, and satisfy her needs. But she would never love a man in that way again. That day she hardened her heart even more.
3) Ziva was nineteen, just starting her military service when tragedy struck her life again. Her beautiful sister Tali was killed. Sitting in a small café they used to go to together after school. A bomb by Hamas. When Ziva was told the news it broke her. She cried for the first time sense that day in the clinic, falling to the floor unable to move from the sobs that over took her body. Shaking her until she thought she would fall apart from the force of her cries. She went home for the funeral wanting nothing more than to run into her mother's arms and be comforted. She was even willing to finally forgive her father for all he did to her if he would just hold her for a minute and let her be the scared girl, caught between womanhood and her fading childhood, she was. But her mother only talked of plans and arrangements and her father of retaliation and revenge. Tali had been the last good thing in their sham of a family. Ziva didn't know how to ask for the love she craved from her mother and father. So she listened as her mother explained why she was moving to Russia, how she could no longer stand the sight of her husband, whom she hadn't shared a bed with in the last five years. She listened and agreed with her father when he said she would join Mossad when she finished her military obligation. She nodded dumbly. It was then she hardened her heart against her family because they would always disappoint. She also hardened her heart against humanity, because in this cruel world what good could caring do?
She threw herself into her training, striving to become the best. Maybe a small part of her was trying to earn her father's love. Maybe she was trying to make amends for Tali by making sure the people who killed her paid. She didn't know and she didn't ask. She had many lovers who warmed her bed for a little while. Many of them gave her words of love that she parroted back. But in the end none of them stayed.
4) Ari was the only person she still allowed herself to feel anything for. Her big brother. He stood by her, had her back. She followed him into Mossad and worked beside him. Then she met Jenny Sheppard in France. The much older passionate red head warmed her heart a bit. They became friends. Working side by side on a mission in Paris. They saved each other's lives countless times. Jenny made Ziva think that maybe, just maybe there were good people in this world. She still didn't love anyone. Love only hurt you. Ziva tried to convince herself that people could be liked and their company enjoyed but to love them was for fools. She laughed at Jenny's stories of another agent with whom she shared a time in Paris with, in younger years, secretly she was jealous. Jealous of the love Jenny had even if it had been fleeting. At least her American friend could look on the time and smile. Ziva was jealous of the sense of family Jenny spoke of. She wished her family was different. But life didn't give you wishes and Ziva stayed cold. It was safer than risking hope for a different way.
5) Killing Ari nearly killed the last bit of humanity in her. But then Jenny asked her to become the Mossad laison for NCIS. Then Gibbs became the father she never had and gave her the love she never really thought she deserved. MeGee became something like an older brother, a rather, what's the word Tony used- geeky- older brother. He was a tad bit afraid of her but he always had her back if she needed it. Ducky became a trusted and valued confidante. Abby, once she warmed up to Ziva, reminded her in so many ways of Tali. They both loved life and just seemed to breathe energy and happiness. And then there was Tony. Ziva never really knew what to think of Tony. He became a close friend. They flirted and casually bantered as if they had done nothing different their whole lives. Even though they were both adults with healthy sex lives they never crossed that line. It came close when they posed as hired killers but they held back. If anyone asked them why they would both have said rule 12. But it wasn't a real reason. Everyone knew rule twelve could be easily broken by anyone, including Gibbs. Abby and MeGee had faithfully broken the rule off and on for years. Tony and Ziva had movie nights, would end up sitting to close together on the couch while sharing a bowl of popcorn. She had a drawer of her things in his guest bedroom and he in hers. But it never went farther. Other men and women came and went in their lives but never managed to reach the closeness the two of them had reached without sex. The new family Ziva found warmed her heart faster than she thought possible. She still divided her life though. Her American life where her heart was warmer, where she was still a deadly ninja but one who had love. Then she had her Mossad life. Where she was Ziva David; cold and deadly, the director's daughter. Then came Somalia and her two worlds collided.
6) Ziva never loved Michael. When Tony killed him she cried for him but she didn't love him. She knew he didn't love her so she felt no guilt for that. She cried mostly because she feared Tony killed him in cold blood, like Michael would have killed Tony if he thought he had to. And she just couldn't accept that Tony was capable of something like that. Because if he was, all the warmth she gained, all the tiny bits of trust she found in humanity again would be nothing but lies. And she couldn't let that happen. So she stayed in Israel, because that world was black and white. Cold and unforgiving. Because in Israel she would never have to find the answer she feared. That Tony killed Michael in cold blood.
7) Ziva really didn't feel anything for the people she killed when she was in Mossad. At least not at first. After all she was already so cold to the world from her own pain how could she add any more hurt to her heart? Once she let her heart thaw she still didn't feel anything, that was her Israel life, separate from her new life in America. It wasn't until she was sitting in a terrorist camp in Somalia did she really begin to think of everything she had done. All the people she had hurt or killed. Before she had always been able to block those feelings out. Make excuses, I was serving my country; they would have done the same thing to my people. Sitting alone in a terrorist camp waiting to die or be tortured again she began to think. Look past all the excuses she made for herself. She hated her father for what he let her be turned into, what he himself turned her into. But even more than that she hated herself for allowing herself to become what she had become. It was then she thought she deserved to die.
8) But even thought she thought she deserved to die didn't mean she wanted to. But it was so so hard to fight when she knew she deserved everything they did to her and when she knew no one was looking for her. That's why when Salim revealed Tony's face she thought it was nothing more than a pain driven hallucination. Because Tony and MeGee could not be there. Not in her private hell. It was hers to suffer alone. And if they were there where was Gibbs? He would never let the two of them go off on their own. So when she asked him why was he there she didn't expect an answer. If this was a hallucination brought on by her personal hell he wouldn't answer, he would just stare at her with his goofy little boy grin not saying a word. When he did answer her, saying he guessed he just couldn't live without her she didn't believe him. He was just a hallucination but at least she could talk to him. Say some of the things she wanted to say. She firmly believed that her team coming to rescue her was merely a sure sign that she had finally lost it. She didn't accept the truth until they were on a plane flying back to the states that she let herself believe and feel relieved. When that happened she let herself collapse, one hand firmly held by Gibbs, the other by Megee sitting right across from them in the small cargo plane with her head resting on Tony's shoulder. She let herself believe as she slid into oblivion that maybe, just maybe things were going to be all right.
9) For the first six months after they rescued her she lived with Tony. In his guest bedroom. The night they got home from the desert no one even discussed it. Tony gathered her into his arm and gently set her in his car. He drove to his apartment where he carried her to the elevator and up to his floor. He asked her if she wanted to take a shower, her first in months. She dumbly nodded yes. So he carried her to the bathroom gently stripped her down to her sweaty sports bra and practical cotton underwear. He laid her in the shower and turned on the hot water. He gently scrubbed her body, being extra careful around the cuts and bruises that covered her body. She saw his face harden in anger at the sight of them, at the sight of how her skin seemed to barely cling to her bones and for a moment she felt glad for their sakes that the men who had done that to her were already dead. After she was as clean as she would be able to get until Ducky saw her the next day Tony lifted her out of the shower and stood her on the soft yellow bathroom rug. He then patted her dry with a towel before helping her into the guest bedroom where he still had her second favorite nightgown. She always had worn feminine night cloths to remind herself that even after everything she was still a woman. He helped her dress and crawl into the large queen size bed. He made sure she was asleep and went and grabbed a chair. He sat there all night. For the next six month he helped her heal. Some nights she could make it alone. Other nights the nightmares would wake her up screaming and he would come in and crawl next to her, holding her if that's what she needed or just being there that was all that would help. Slowly the nightmares became less and after six months she felt the need to be Ziva again. Strong and independent. So she moved out. Found her own place. Even than for the first month she lived alone she would call Tony a couple times a week and he would come over, or she would show up at Gibbs' and they would have a glass of bourbon and she would sleep there for the night. But slowly she started to heal.
10) Ziva avoided Tony romantically for many reasons. At first it was because she was still too cold for the warm loving man. Than it was his undercover assignment and its aftermath. After Somalia it was because she needed to figure out how to be Ziva again. But finally after working together for almost seven years they both stopped avoiding what could happen between them and gave themselves a chance. Gibbs told them to keep it out of the office and Abby collected fifty bucks from each MeGee and various other members of the NCIS office. They should have known better, nobody wins a bet on Abby. But some people never learn because she collected again a year and half later when Tony proposed to her in the middle of an argument they were having at a crime scene and again when a year later they announced that Ziva was pregnant again in the middle of a crime scene. Both times Gibbs kissed Ziva's cheek and head slapped Tony. MeGee and Abby were named god-parents. The married pair thought about naming their child Tali Jennifer DiNozzo but both decided that a child should have its own name so the expectations of the dead didn't weigh down its life. They named her Nadia meaning hope. When they had a son a few years later they named him Nicolas or Nico. Ziva loved her husband, her children and her new life. Her children never lacked for love and although her daughter could break a grown man's hand with ease and her son got sent home from school for breaking a bully's nose when he saw the bully teasing a little girl they were happy. Her children had Grandpa Gibbs and Grandpa Ducky, Aunt Abby and Uncle Timmy eventually they even had cousins. They were a happy family. And that is all that matters.