a/n so here is Tony's chapter. I like how it turned out. Next up is Tony's one shot. I have an idea what I plan to do for him but feel free to leave ideas. after that I'm not sure what I plan to do. maybe Abby or Gibbs. I think Abby though.
One- He never hated his father. Despite the many reasons Anthony DiNozzo Sr. gave him he never hated him. Maybe there was a time, way back in the beginning, right after his mother died, or in the middle when he was shipped from boarding school to boarding school. The first time his father gave him a reason to hate Anthony DiNozzo Sr. was when Tony was a scared little boy who just lost his mommy. He barely knew his busy father at the time. His father was just a man that came late to dinner and missed his games. A man that sometimes made his mommy cry when he missed a special surprise dinner she made all by herself. Anthony DiNozzo Sr. was also the man that brought him mommy pretty necklaces to make her smile. Who kissed her when he came home. Tony knew that his father loved his mommy and that his mommy loved his father but he didn't really know who his father was. He just knew that the man standing by him in an expensive black suit was hurting just as much as he was. So all through the wake and all through the funeral he held his father's hand. In his little boy's mind he loved his father because that's what he was supposed to do and he assumed that his father loved him. But Anthony DiNozzo Sr. was never his daddy, just his father. The whole time he held his father's hand, gripping it with the desperation of a sad and scared little boy, his father held his limp, separating himself from the connection his son tried to make. Anthony DiNozzo Sr. didn't speak to his son for the first week after his wife died. Tony maybe hated him a little bit than. But an eight year old little boy doesn't really know what hate is. Doesn't know the raging emotion tearing inside him and slowly destroying him. A little boy of eight doesn't know hate.
But a young man of seventeen does. Tony may not have ever truly hated his father but he never lacked for reasons to hate him. His childhood ended the day his mother died. The next nine years were a blur of boarding school, military schools and even a school for troubled boys once and summer vacations were something he had to tolerate and nothing else. His father developed a drinking problem and occasionally became an angry, belligerent drunk. He hit Tony sometimes. But Tony still forgave him. Given enough time he could always forgive his father. Because even as an angry seventeen year old teenager he could remember the brief moment during his mother's funeral where he tucked his small soft hand into his father's and his father squeezed his hand back. Tony had looked up into his father's face and watched the twin tracks of tears fall. He knew his father missed his mother as much as Tony himself did. He also remembered one day when he had come home from playing in the park with his nanny, a bigger boy had pushed him, causing him to fall and scrape his knee. He cried in his mother's arms and told her what a mean boy the other child was. His mother looked at him and told him to forgive the older boy because someone had probably pushed him before and he just didn't know how to act. His mother told him to always forgive people because not forgiving them would eat him up inside and spit him back out. So he forgave his father. After every blow he forgave him. But he didn't ever forget what Anthony DiNozzo Sr. made his childhood into. And even though he forgave his father, sometimes he still got mad.
Two—Tony loved the piano. His mother started to teach him when he was just five years old, smiling proudly when he managed to clumsily plunk out the notes to Row Row Row Your Boat for the first time. Even after she died he continued to practice. At first his father forbade the playing of the piano in the house. But Tony would sneak into the large piano room where his mother's grand piano sat slowly gathering a layer of dust because even the maid was forbidden to dust in there. Every morning after his father left for his office he went to the piano room and he would just play for as long as he felt like. At first it was only for twenty minutes. An eternity for a boy his age. After he was sent to the first boarding school he was able to take more classes. His teacher called him gifted. He shrugged it off as meaningless and empty compliments. He played because his mother loved to play. When she was alive his house was always filled with music. He remembered her patiently showing him how to read music or master a more difficult piece and how close they had been. Those memories kept him returning to the piano bench all through his teenage and adult years.
Three—He majored in Phy Ed because honestly he had no clue what he wanted to do with his life. He started playing sports after he snuck into his father's home office and saw a picture of his father in a football uniform with a bunch of friends. A shrink might say sports were a subconscious way of trying to earn his father's love. Maybe it was that way in the beginning but not in later life. He loved sports, loved the feel of a ball or a bat or a rugby stick or any equipment even kind of related to sports. That didn't mean he wanted to be a teacher. He figured it was an easy major and something would come along. It always did. Hell he didn't even think about becoming a cop ever until the night the bar he sometimes worked at was held up. He had been closing for the night and let the bar girl go home early, he knew she had a kid. He told her he could finish; she mentioned her kid was sick earlier that night. He just locked the door when the thug came at him. He reacted on instincts, using a handy two by four to knock him out cold. He called the cops. When they came he was able to give a complete and detailed account of what happened. One of the detectives' the force had sent out asked if he was studying law enforcement. Tony laughed and said no. But the idea settled into his brain. It wiggled at him trying to be heard as often as possible. Finally he listened to it and talked to one of the guys over at the police academy. It seemed like a good idea so he applied. He never expected to be accepted. He thought it was a gander, a lark that would quickly pass. But then he got a letter from the academy, they accepted him. He sat with the letter for hours it seemed but eventually he decided he wanted it. It gave his life some purpose. He needed that in his life.
Four- But just being a cop wasn't enough. So he worked until he became a detective. He worked vice in Peoria, organized crime in Philidelphia and homicide in Baltimore. He never stayed longer than two years in anyone place. He developed and itch in his foot that never seemed to completely disappear. Even before he found out his partner was crooked Tony thought about where he'd move on to next. Then he met Gibbs. The man impressed him, it was nearly impossible to be unimpressed by the ex marine. He never questioned how Gibbs knew where to find him that night. With him he brought a bottle of bourbon and real cups. It was the first and last time he shared bourbon with Gibbs in anything but an old mayson jar or coffee mug or anywhere but in an old basement smelling of pine wood and saw dust. He got pissed faced drunk and bitched like a high school girl on her period. He woke up the next morning in his bed, a glass of water and a large pile of aspirin by his bedside table and a silver haired man with a job offer in his living room. He figured it was just another itch to get out of his system, besides it came at the perfect time. Two years at NCIS and if the itch came back it he could always switch again. But one year turned to two, two to three, three to even more. He managed to find his niche at NCIS.
Five- Part of finding that niche included the forensic scientist Abby. Bubbly, energetic she reminded Tony of his idea of a perfect little sister. Although the word little wasn't exactly right. In her chunky platform boots her head almost reached the top of his and her bone crushing hugs reminded him he needed to go to the gym more. When he was first introduced to the perky Goth he was taken back. As he described her to Saleem she was "a paradox wrapped in an oxymoron smothered in contradictions in terms. Sleeps in a coffin. Really, the happiest goth you'll ever meet." Abby in general took to new people fairly easily, minus Ziva but she had her own reasons for this. She took to Tony even quicker than most. Of course he did bring her a Caff-Pow when they first met so that might explain part of it. She shared his love of movies although not to the quite extent.
Everyone at NCIS knew of the pair's sibling like relationship. They teased each other without mercy, comforted each other and had the others six. What most didn't know is after Tony's first case at NCIS the pair went to have drinks. One drink turned into two and two in to three and three in to more. The night ended with them back at Abby's apartment where Tony took the opportunity to find each and every one of her tattoos. The next morning Tony woke up in a double sized coffin next to a very bedraggled scientist with a hangover. Nursing his sore head and rolling stomach Tony stumbled to her kitchen after finding his boxers and made his fool proof college hangover cure. Two raw eggs, a cup of milk, fresh fruit, and some protein powder he managed to find shoved in the very back of a cupboard- left over from an old boy friend he assumed- and other various odds and ends he found in the kitchen. He gulped the disgusting concoction down with two aspirin and began to feel better instantly. He was in the process of making a second one when the Goth came into the room wrapped in her sheet and clutching her head. She blindly accepted the shake from Tony and almost puked when she drank it down in one gulp. Shoving Tony out of the small room she began to cook a real breakfast. Tony quickly showered and put on yesterdays suit. This was not the first time he ended up in a co-workers bed (or a co-worker in his bed), nor was it the first time he ended up in a friends bed. But this was Abby. For one of the few time in his sexual career he wasn't sure how to act. Abby made it easy for him. She acted like nothing strange happened. That Tony just stopped by for breakfast and not that they didn't have great sex the night before. It wouldn't be the last time they ended up taking each other home. Not until Tim came to the office. As soon as Tony saw the computer geek act around the beautiful scientist he just smiled. He didn't take her home once after that. After all, Tony and Abby? They were like siblings. Tony knew eventually the two nerds would pull their acts together. (a/n this is the first and most likely last time I'll put a note in the middle of a story. But I quick wanted to explain where this part came from. An ex of mine and I act almost exactly like Tony and Abby do. After we dated for a short time we continued to hook up for about a year until he met his new girlfriend. He acts like my big brother now and most of our friends have no idea how long we ended up continuing our physical relationship after we ended our romantic one. It just seemed to fit these two characters to me.)
Six- Even though he never hated his father for his childhood, he almost, almost hated Gibbs for leaving. He had only ever known his father as this absent man, negligent at best- a bully at worst. Gibbs was different. Tony knew Gibbs. Knew the gruff man who morphed into a father like figure better than the man who gave him half is DNA. And he just left. Left Tony in the middle of a shit situation with him scrambling to pull the team together. To make them work like they had. And somehow he managed to do it. Sometimes Tony wondered if Gibbs had know before the explosion what would happen if he ever left. Tony thought that maybe the ex-marine left when he did as a way to push Tony ahead. That his leaving was his own way to say he had faith in his senior field agent. But Tony always convinced himself that those thoughts were just him trying to make himself feel better about it.
Seeing how the rest of the team took it and having to remain strong nearly killed him. For over a week Ziva looked half pissed, half broken. That look on her face alone, so subtle that only he noticed, made him angrier at Gibbs than anything else. Well that and Tim's looking like a puppy whose master kicked and abandoned. That look sucked to. So did Abby's, she wore her heart on her sleeve, looking lost and like a sad little girl. That look really sucked. They all had thought of Gibbs as their glue. After all in no universe would anyone think that the MIT computer geek, OSU jock and Mossad killer would ever from a kick ass team. The ex marine is what held them together, made them stick. And suddenly he was gone and Tony had to step into a job he wasn't sure he was ready for.
And you know what? He did a damn good job about it. And than Gibbs came back. Poof, Ziva went to Gibbs, not Tony. That hurt to a bit to. But you know what? Tony didn't really mind to much, because Gibbs was back. Their team was right again. It was just a little hard to work for him again after being in charge.
Seven- Even if it was a bit difficult to work for Gibbs again Tony really never wanted to go to Spain. He had much too much unfinished business here in DC. With Gibbs, because no matter how you cut it the marine left and that hurt, with Tim, the slightly younger and much smarter agent wasn't ready to be senior field agent for Gibbs and Tony had to watch out for the Probie. And then there was Ziva. Tony didn't know what his unfinished business with her was, or if they would ever finish it but Tony didn't want to leave until he tried.
Eight- His undercover romance also hurt. Perhaps more than Gibbs leaving. But he couldn't help but think that he always knew how that would end. No he didn't expect to fall in love with her but once he did he knew it was doomed to fail. Didn't make it suck less but he couldn't pretend to be surprised. He didn't think a relationship could ever be salvaged after all those lies, so he told one more. He told her it all had been a lie. That he never loved her. If he told her the truth, that he loved her- or at least thought he did- they would have tried to make it work and it never could have. When he told her he couldn't help but look over the brunettes head and meet the eyes of his ninja partner. She gave him a small nod that told him he was doing the right thing. That nod is what gave him the courage to make the woman he loved- or at least something really damn close to loved- hate him. Because if she hated him she could heal. It still wasn't easy to do though.
Nine- If those things hurt him, loosing Ziva damn near killed him. Finding out that she was dead was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Right after she left he didn't try to reach her. He thought that if he gave her space she'd come back, he almost didn't care if she never spoke to him again as long as she came back. Then he became worried. It was one thing she hadn't contacted him, he killed her lover. Sure it was self defense but didn't change the fact that Michael was dead because of Tony. But surely she would have called Abby? or emailed McGee? or something? So the team had a new purpose, find Ziva. It became their mission. Something to hold their focus. Find Ziva. Than they were given the news she was dead. Gone. It broke Tony in a way that nothing else in his life ever had. He tried to move on. Even bought some books on how to cope with grief. He watched every kind of movie he had to try and feel normal, tried to keep going through the motions. Nothing worked. So he formed a new plan. Revenge.
Everything his mother said about revenge and anger and hatred eating him up inside went out the window. He knew if he didn't do something, stopped the terrorists or anything really, but if he didn't do something it would kill him. He knew that doing something would most likely kill him anyway but he didn't care. He couldn't get the sight of Ziva looking so broken on the tarmac in Israel that day out of his head. It was his fault that the subtle expressions of her face contorted that way. He had to do something to make it right.
So again he began to plan. To plot to think how he could make some sense out of this chaos. Somehow make all of this wrong right. Gibbs understood. Gibbs knew Tony better than anyone except for maybe his lost partner. Gibbs saw himself in the younger man. The pain written so clearly on Tony's face mirrored how his face looked when he heard about his wife and daughter. It's a pain that never goes away. It stays with a man. Tim understood to. Ziva was as much of a sister to him as his own sister was. And when the younger agent looked at Tony he saw the love Tony had for Ziva. After all it was the same love he had for Abby. So they plotted. Discovered the camp, made the plans. Tony didn't know if he would make it out alive. In all honesty he wasn't sure he cared. All he cared about was taking down Saleem and making sure McGee made it out alive. Anything after that would just be a bonus.
Ten-If all of those things nearly killed him seeing Ziva again made him think they had. There couldn't be a way for her to still be alive and them to not know about it. They had unturned every stone, looked at every skeleton in every closet. The only way Ziva could be alive in this situation would be the drugs Saleem pumped into him made him hulliconate. But they didn't. Yes they did make him want to talk more than usual but also talking was their only hope. As long as he talked McGee could be rescued and Saleem killed. Those were the only things that mattered anymore.
But then he saw her sitting in front of him. Now he had to save her to. His own life didn't matter nearly as much as his two friends, as his family. But his life became a small priority now. If it came to the choice- him or them- he would choose them every time. But now he had more time. More time to explore the what ever the hell he and Ziva were. But he could only do that if he survived. They were more important though. Always would be.
Somehow they all made it out alive. He thanked the God he wasn't even sure he believed in every day for that.
When they realized Ziva had no place to say it was never a question where she would go. Tony couldn't see her going anywhere else. She would come home with him. Where he could protect her, keep her safe. Where he could watch her, assure himself that she was really there. That first night he didn't sleep in that chair just because he knew the nightmares would come but also so he could see her. Tell himself that it was more than just a dream.
The nightmares could have possibly been just as hard on him as on her. Because while she lived it again he relived being helpless every single time. He became so atuned to them he often was able to run in and wake her before they got to bad. But not every time. Every time he saw her screaming in pain, her entire body contorted from the memories he felt a knife stab him in the heart. Because this was his fault. All because he killed Rivkin.
When Ziva moved out it hurt a bit. Wasn't the system they had good enough? But he understood to. This was Ziva. She had to know she still was. Besides what he told her six months ago in that terrorist camp was true. He couldn't live without her. Couldn't see a world with out her in it. Now that he had a second chance he was going to take it. No matter how long it took. So he let her leave. Let her assure herself that she was still a strong independent ninja. Because he knew one day he'd have his chance. And he wasn't gonna mess it up again.