A/N:This fic was highly inspired by "Don't Cry" by Park Bom. Listen to it as you read, if you'd like.
Rated T for many adult and dark, angsty, serious themes. Ferb's POV.
And Please Don't Cry
"Sometimes, when tears come to me,
I remember our beautiful memories
I hope that you won't be hurt more,
And please don't cry"
I hang my head, eyes falling in defeat to the key of my new flat as it lay in my palm. I finger the cool, smooth metal idly and pull the key to my current living arrangement out of my pocket. I absently compare the two, considering leaving the later behind when I leave. The memories held in that worn metal object swim around in my mind. Barely even graduated from high school, Phineas and I began getting job offers. But even odd jobs we accepted when we found the time have been enough to pay for college and an apartment. So when we first moved in, we decided to make every day an adventure. And living with Phineas Flynn, every day is most certainly an adventure.
Nostalgia clouding my thoughts, I lead to lift my head and gaze at the scene before me. I find that the bedroom Phineas and I shared for approximately two years suddenly seems so foreign. Phineas's side looks normal; knickknacks of all sorts set on shelves, colourful posters and embellishments adorning the walls, and collective oddities gathered from each adventure or milestone of his life are all arranged meticulously around a queen-sized bed fitted with teal sheets. However my side of the room is eerie, all of my belongings packed away and most of them already moved to my new apartment on the other side of the tri-state area. I stand where my four-poster bed once was, the walls around me feeling bare and lifeless.
Phineas will most likely fill this space in soon, I reason. "I'm sure he'll find a use for the extra space." I think, trying to see a lighter side to this, hoping that with his infinite optimism, he can find a lighter side to this.
With a heavy sigh, I lightly pad over to Phin's side of the room, setting the worn key to this apartment on his nightstand, then gather my last suitcase as I leave my old bedroom. I make my way to the living room and sit on the couch, setting the bag on the ground beside me. I lean forward, setting my elbows on my knees for support, and lace my fingers together over my lips. I begin attempting to prepare myself for what's to come when my step-brother comes home.
Doubt sets in first, as worries start to fill my head. Perhaps I should have waited- perhaps now's not the time to do something so bold. I had begun moving this afternoon when Phineas had left for his day's classes. Tonight is his last class, so after today he'll be done for the semester. I suppose the rationalization for why today would be the optimal time is held in that he would most likely be in a great mood. But now as the reality of this situation fully sinks in, I don't think there is any good time to do this.
Now, it's in no way accurate to say that I don't like living with my brother. I revel in every moment we've spent "joined at the hip". He must be the most interesting and entertaining person to be around. And although he's often painfully oblivious, he somehow manages to understand me better than anyone else in the world. I can communicate the most complex ideas simply with a gesture or glance. For many reasons, it can be difficult for me to trust or express emotion. The walls I've built and kept around me my whole life... it didn't even feel as though they were broken down. It felt like one day, I was staring through a cold glass wall, alone- the next day, Phineas was standing beside me, holding my hand. Because of this, and so much more, I love my brother in ways that I probably shouldn't.
Surely I've not gone mad, if I were to say I believe he completes me? Only one thing is certain (and though Phineas is oblivious to many things, including my true feelings, even he understands) we are different. It's always been there- we've both felt it since childhood. I'm not entirely sure what "it" is. In fact, I might be so crazy to dream it were true love, if my brother returned my unrequited feelings.
But for Phineas, it's.. different. To explain it best, I offer a comparison: Normal brothers do not feel this way. Normal brothers aren't supposed to be so co-dependent, or be so close. They're not supposed to hold hands at age 11. They're not supposed to flirt at 12, or peck each other's cheek at 13, or make out under the sheets at bed time at 14 or 15 years old. Phineas, I suppose, never understood those things were intimate, meaningful, precious. He doesn't understand that making love to your brother is not hanging out, playing around, or some sort of game- whatever it is he thinks it is. Especially- especially if your brother is so madly in love with you that he wakes up every morning afterward feeling abused, dirty, and used, like it's some one-night stand. Because that's always how I feel, when the next morning he just smiles at me or comments on how fun it was, calling me "bro", and leaving.
It would be an understatement to say that I realized too late that it all meant nothing to him, but everything to me. But I never stopped. I couldn't stop. As very cliché as it sounds, I honestly do just love him too much. And I don't think I would blame him, if I could. He just doesn't see it the way I do, and I can't blame him for not noticing when I hide my true feelings so well. From the jealously that threatens to take me when I see him speaking with a girl to the way it feels as though something as heavy as an anchor crushes my chest when he tells me he loves me as a brother, all of it's worth it just to silently bear it all. I've always done anything I could just to make him happy. So even if I did tell him how I feel, I could lose what we do have forever.
This is all holding both of us back. I believe because of my feelings, I hold him back, and I just know that things will only get worse. Staying here... eventually, things won't be pretty. I know he very well may put up some sort of fight. I'm not exactly sure what to expect though. This isn't a problem that he and his optimism can solve. This is going to happen, and he won't be happy at all. He loves me, we're brothers, best friends, we've never been apart. But I have to do this.
"This is for the best." I tell myself once again, trying my hardest to completely believe it.
My breath catches in my throat and I tense up as I hear the lock shifting. I manage a calm breath before standing, luggage in hand, and taking a few short steps around the couch just as Phineas open the door. At the sight of me, his face lights up instantly, and greets me with a cheerful, "Hey Ferbooch!"
Walking a few strides in my direction, he continues, "Whoa, it's dark. Couldn't you see anything?" as he flips a switch on. Light casts across the room, illuminating us both, including my suitcase. Gaze bouncing down to the bag in my hand, then back to my own, confusion quickly makes itself known across his brow. "Um. Going somewhere, Ferb?"
I reply by breaking eye contract to fixate on something on the floor, while holding a finger up pointing to our bedroom. Out of my peripheral vision, I see a questioning look shot from the door of the room, then back to me briefly, before he turns to walk into the room completely. I wait for a second, waiting for.. well, something. But seconds tick by, and no movement or sound come from the other side of the ajar door. Becoming increasingly worried, I hastily make my way over to the bedroom.
When I walk in, I stop at the doorway. Phineas is just standing, staring, taking the empty side of the room in. Not showing much emotion on his face, I decide to wait until he's ready to continue. But after my presence was made known, I didn't have to wait long before he slowly turns his body toward me. Tearing his eyes away from the empty space, a hard stare scans my own face for emotion. He looks at me, almost accusingly, before he asks a question that we both know the answer to.
I straighten up my stance, holding my suitcase a little higher as a response, my face blank so as not to give away any emotion. Phineas opens his mouth, then closes it, trying to take in the situation and the shock.
The serious face was replaced by confusion and slight anger with a resounding "What?"
Eyes locked, I break away, unable to answer. I close my eyes, looking away for a few moments, until he steps toward me a couple paces. Seeing what was about to come, I returned staring at the carpet, keeping my face void of response, and preparing my ears for the onslaught.
"What the hell, Ferb? You can't.. I mean- just what the hell? You're leaving. Seriously? What for? Why?"
I glance up to check his reaction after the cluster of half sentences finished falling from his lips. I'd be lying if I said the sight of a truly angry Phineas Flynn wasn't intimidating, being how rare the sight was. But I could tell he wasn't done. After it became clear I wasn't going to respond, he became even angrier.
Nostrils flaring, my shorter step-brother found a firm grip on my shoulder, and demanded, "Why?" We stared at each other for a while, his anger boring into me while I remained stony and unresponsive. Phineas was searching my eyes and body language, trying to read my emotions or thoughts. Losing his patience from apparently not finding much, he released my shoulder, turning away to pace back and forth in front of me.
"Ferb. We've been together since we were babies. You can't just go- you're my brother, Ferb. I love you."
Using words I usually give into, I realize he's still fighting to solve this problem. I sigh in my mind, wishing that for once, he would just give up on a problem he can't solve. He stops pacing for a moment to gauge my reaction. I return the gesture with a hard and glassy stare. Finally, I can see weakness creeping into his system. But as his body language progressively becomes that of a true, sad, hurt Phineas Flynn, I realize the worst part has yet to come.
"You've always had me." He begins in a quiet, sincere tone. " 'Phineas and Ferb'. We're always together. Because I always had you. And you always had me. I thought.. No, we do have something, Ferb. You know it. We have a connection. And.. And.."
"..Now I've got to let you go." I say, my face slightly breaking from its stoic expression, as I look on with a brief look of sympathy.
Phineas's gaze soon turns to a watery one, as tears brim in his eyes. I try to not give away any more sentiment as I step forward and place an affectionate hand on the top of his head. He turns his face too look up at mine as tears peak and trail down to his chin. I feel a hard pang in my heart, as I move my hand down to his cheeks, wiping away the tear streaks with my thumb.
"It's okay, Phineas. Please don't cry."
I offer a sad grin and pull him into a warm hug, hoping the pounding of my heart isn't as loud to him as it is to me. Emotionless mask back in place, I bury my nose at the top of his head, inhaling his scent, unsure of when I would ever allow myself this temptation. Phineas let go of holding back, sobbing into my shirt. Even though I didn't exactly give him all that much information as to why I was doing this, I figure he gathered enough to know I was serious and that I won't be coming back. It went unspoken of when we would even see each other again, so we both made the best of this moment.
A car horn sounds from the street. I recall calling a cab to pick me up at a specific time. I check my wrist watch, and it's right on time. I pull away from Phineas, reaching into my jacket pocket for the address of my new flat. I place it in Phineas's hand, as he appears to be drained, pale from crying and the emotional stress. He stared at me weakly, tears still streaming down his cheeks. I pulled him back into me one last time, kissing his forehead, before pulling away and turning to leave.
Refusing to look back, I ride the lift down to the bottom floor, where the taxi outside waits. I climb in, heaving a breath, when as we started to take off, I turn around without even thinking. There, on the curb, was an out of breath Phineas, who must have taken the stairs to try and catch up. He stands with tears still pouring down his cheeks, breathing heavily, and staring in loss as I speed away.
I pull myself around to face forward, as I let my mask fall to pieces. Pain was clear across my face, evident as even the cab driver asked if I was alright. I placed my hands in my pockets and took another breath- until I felt two keys. The one for my new apartment.. and my old one from Phineas's?
It felt little hard to breathe, as I realized Phineas must have noticed the old key I sat on his nightstand, took it, and slipped it back in my pocket. Feeling something else in my pocket, I reach in and pull out a small balled up piece of paper. I carefully unravel the piece, and suddenly something griped my heart in such a hold I thought it'd burst.
'You've always had me' was scribbled on the inside in Phineas's handwriting. I hold the two objects that Phineas had slipped me close, my breathing becoming ragged.
"Please don't cry." I shakily exhaled. But I wasn't sure who I was talking to, until tear drops began landing on the crumpled note in my trembling hand.
"Here is the end for the both of us,
And until the world would allow our love then,
It's okay baby please don't cry,
This long journey is about to end.
But someday, we will meet again,
In the next life, we will see each other again"
A/N: I have several ideas of how I could continue this to a multi-chapter fic, but only if I get reviews asking me to. Suggestions welcome.