Title: Beyond the Taint
Author: Kuria Dalmatia
'Verse: The Tenth Time
Rating/Warnings: Oh, so FRAO/NC-17, includes the use of sex toys. Mild d/s. (graphic sexual situations, profanity, adult content)
Summary: Aaron just has to 'get over it.'
Word Count: ~4,300
ARCHIVING: my LJ and FFNet account... anyone else? Please ask first.
COMMENTS: Special thanks to Kitty for the encouragement and the suggestions on where to go with this story and to CMAli for the encouragement and telling me to post it.
You don't have to necessarily read "The Tenth Time" (http: / kuriadalmatia . livejournal . com / 100932 . html) or its sequel "No Longer Routine" (http : / kuriadalmatia . livejournal . com / 104345 . html) to enjoy, but they provided a bit of background. Originally supposed to be "D is for Doubt" for Resolucity but this got caught in developmental hell (as in, "Kuria over-thinks") so I went with another concept.
Feedback always welcome.
DISCLAIMER: The Mark Gordon Company, ABC Studios and CBS Paramount Network Television own Criminal Minds. Salut! I just took them out to play and I promise put them back when I'm done. I'm not making any profit just trying to get these images out of my head.
The doors are locked. The windows are secure. The security alarm is set. Aaron's computers are off as is the television. Jack went to bed at eight but woke up at ten-fifteen, as usual; it was mostly because Jack had to go to the bathroom, but Aaron knew it was to also make sure "Daddy is still home." He feels guilty about it no matter how many times the family counselor says it's normal.
No matter how many times Spencer says it's normal.
No matter if he knows from experience that it's normal.
Aaron stops himself. He lets out a breath. He goes through his mental checklist again because it helps him to relax.
It's now half-past eleven and Aaron knows Jack is soundly asleep.
So Aaron goes to his own bedroom, closes the door, and sits on his bed, contemplating his own evening activities. He's horny, Spencer isn't there, so he has some decisions to make. He runs through his options, and the perfunctory jerk off is at the top of the list because he's tired, it's simple, and it's easy.
But … Spencer's been pushing him lately. Not much, if Aaron really thinks about it. Just little nudges (literally) here and there. Spencer's remarkably patient. Remarkably adaptive. When Aaron freaks out over something—usually whenever Spencer goes "beyond the taint"—his lover goes on to something else.
No snide comments and no exasperation for him to 'just get over it.'
It gives Aaron courage and it motivates him to try a bit harder to 'just get over it,' to push past all those mental blocks he's built. There are a lot of them and there are days he just wants a huge wrecking ball to smash through his mind and destroy them all. Instead, he finds himself dismantling the wall, brick by brick, with Spencer's help.
What he's focused on tonight is "beyond the taint," which is how Aaron's prudish mind has decided to label anal play. What was the saying? Aaron doesn't have issues, he has subscriptions and he has more subscriptions than a library.
If it's him pleasuring Spencer, he likes to think he does just fine. He doesn't have much experience but he's confident that he can read his partner. Analingus is essentially the same as cunnilingus but a different location, and even though Aaron really doesn't have much experience with either of those, he listens and he adapts and Spencer tells him when it's good. They practice safe sex—yes, he's a bit more fanatical about it than Spencer—so all it really took was Aaron getting over the 'my tongue is there' and he was good to go. Ultimately, the goal is to make Spencer feel good and that fuels Aaron's confidence. Plus, the way Spencer responds tends to override Aaron's own hesitation performing those types of things.
He shakes his head.
He can't even think about sex without scuttling behind abstracts and vague terms.
He's being stupid.
He knows he's being stupid.
It's aggravating and frustrating. Times like this, doubt rears its ugly head and reminds him that it's only a matter of time for Spencer to grow frustrated with him and leave.
It wouldn't be the first time someone did that. Haley wasn't the first to walk out on Aaron.
He doesn't want to lose Spencer.
He knows that their relationship isn't based on sex, but thanks to years of doing what he does for a living, he knows that it plays a pretty damn big part. Sex is about trust.
He remembers the night he told Spencer, "All for you" and how heartfelt and sincere it was.
It motivates him to get off the bed, go to his closet, and retrieve the large cardboard box marked "Misc. House, Old." At the bottom is a smaller plain brown box that he pulls out. He puts it on the bed and replaces the larger one back in the closet. He returns to the bed, sits, and opens the container.
Aaron stares at the contents: a set of different sized vibrating anal plugs and a bottle of lube. It was a "gift" from Haley eight years ago, when their marriage really starting hitting the skids. It was the coup de grâce of the weeklong argument. He remembers being handed the wrapped box, thinking that she was saying she was sorry and that it was in response to the flowers he'd sent.
Christ, he'd been wrong.
He remembers opening the box and just staring because he had no fucking clue what she was trying to tell him. He didn't have to wait long. If he distances himself from the argument, he knows this was really clever on Haley's part. The different sizes were to help him "stretch" and "accommodate" (which he had claimed he'd done in their relationship) so he could work up to being a "world class asshole" and have an even bigger stick up his butt. She handily won the disagreement because he had been caught so off-guard. All he could do was ask, "How much did these cost?" because he knew they were expensive. It was the wrong response, of course, and he spent three weeks trying to make up for it.
God only knows why he kept after all these years.
Now, he's really glad he did.
Aaron pulls out the smallest one. The batteries will need to be replaced and he hopes they didn't leak from sitting there for eight years. It takes a bit of force but he's able to open up the toy. The battery hasn't corroded so all the thing needs is a thorough washing with hot water and antibacterial soap—it isn't dishwasher safe and there's no way in hell he would risk it anyway with Jack in the house—and he's good to go.
He takes a deep breath.
He wants this.
He can do this.
He knows it feels good.
He just has to 'get over it.'
The way it works is that Jack stays with Jessica when Aaron is out of town. If Aaron gets back in the city and can get to Jessica's place by eight, Jack will come home with him. Otherwise, Jack stays with Jess and Aaron doesn't see them until breakfast the next morning. If it's a Friday, Jessica will bring Jack over at precisely nine-fifteen Saturday morning on her way to her yoga class.
It's not ideal but it works.
Tonight? It's to Aaron's advantage. It's Friday and it's ten in the evening and he barely shuts off the alarm to his apartment before Spencer has him pressed against the wall.
"I want you," Spencer growls and nips as his jaw. Then, he thoroughly kisses Aaron as he grinds their crotches together.
Aaron has been hard since he got into the car at Quantico. Sitting through the quick dinner they had at the Thai restaurant only added to his edginess. He knows that the delays are Spencer's ways of getting him worked up, to get him past some of the hurdles that hit when they finally get alone together.
Strategic. Flattering. Aaron wonders if he'll ever be able to tell Spencer how much he appreciates the effort.
The kiss ends and Spencer tugs on his tie, the unspoken request to go to the bedroom and strip. Aaron steadies his breathing. He's been working up to this for weeks. He feels he has enough confidence to go through with his plan, enough confidence to do what he knows Spencer will ask of him. It doesn't mean he can meet the man's eyes, though. He stares at Spencer's lips. He says, "I'd like to shower first."
"We can clean up," Spencer concedes, but it's not the same thing.
"I'd like to, ah, shower shower." He feels stupid for the clarification, but he has a plan. "Please." Because while Spencer teases him about his politeness, it is a way to get what he wants.
There's a pause before Spencer nods and gives him a slow kiss. Then, Spencer retrieves his go bag and heads for the half-bath so that Aaron can have the full one to himself.
The moment Spencer closes the door Aaron's hands begin to shake.
Stop freaking out, he orders himself, so he goes through his routine of securing his apartment for the evening before he heads for the main bath. That helps calm him a little, but not much.
Spencer takes a few minutes to wash up in the half-bath, listening as Aaron shuffles around the apartment and eventually turns on the shower. Aaron's request isn't unusual; however, something is different tonight. Aaron's nervous, and whenever the man can't make eye contact like that, Spencer knows it has something to do with sex.
They've made progress from bad to decent sex. Aaron still gets spooked when touched in certain places, but not as bad as before. It's going to take time, of course, but with this new approach they have—Spencer running the show—it's much easier.
He packs his things up quickly and takes his go bag, a damp washcloth and a fresh towel to the bedroom. He knows Aaron has already made sure everything is locked up, so he gets the bed ready, arranges the washcloth and towel on the floor within easy reach, and then opens the nightstand drawer to retrieve the lube.
It's a different brand than before and some of it has been used. It's higher quality and it's unflavored and unscented. Spencer can't help but grin. He wonders what Aaron has been up to because this type of lube requires a trip to a specialty store. There's no way in hell Aaron would mail order something. None of them do. They know better.
The thought of Aaron in a sex shop sends a shiver down his spine. He adjusts himself and then sits on the bed. Spencer debates if he should put the bottle on the nightstand, which is what they usually do. Fumbling around for it in the drawer is a royal pain. He glances at the clock and realizes fifteen minutes have gone by and the water is no longer running. Aaron's pre-sex showers usually aren't that long.
When Aaron finally emerges, he clutches his towel in his left hand and covers his groin. Spencer initially thought that his lover would be more self-conscious of the scars on his chest, but soon realized Aaron simply isn't used to being naked around someone else. Spencer doesn't consider himself an exhibitionist and he's not the type to walk around without clothing, but once in the bedroom, he's not ashamed.
Aaron glances briefly at Spencer before returning his gaze to the floor and shuffles a few steps forward. The towel is still gripped tightly in his left hand, but his right reaches up to scratch behind his ear. Aaron is beyond nervous.
It's a thrill and it's a terror to see the behavior. Spencer's breath catches and he wants to make acknowledgment somehow, but the words are stuck and all he can do is stare. It's not helping the situation and he knows it, but it's this display of uncertainty by Aaron makes him momentarily unable to breathe.
Because it's Aaron Hotchner.
And the public Aaron Hotchner would never display such … hesitations.
"I've … um … yeah …" Aaron takes another step forward. His gaze is focused on the floor. "I … yeah …" His head jerks to the side, he spits out a few profanities, and then he steadies himself again.
Spencer chants to himself that he can't be impatient. He digs his nails into his thighs, because the profiler in him identifies every bit of Aaron's behavior.
Aaron's submissive behavior.
It's a heady thing.
Spencer is momentarily clueless as what to do next. Command. Sit in silence. What?
Aaron makes the decision for them. His movements are fast; he puts the towel down on the edge of the bed, flips back the corner of the towel and steps back.
There, against the blazing white of the damp cotton, is a black anal plug. It's not a dainty one either, but moderately sized.
Spencer's mouth goes dry. It's one of the rare times that his mind goes blank, especially when he sees that it's not some run-of-the-mill plug. Oh no. This one vibrates. He breathes out, "Aaron …"
"I've been …" His lover pauses. He gestures towards the towel. He scratches behind his ear again. He shrugs. "Practicing."
The word makes Spencer groan and he squeezes the base of his cock hard because if Aaron keeps talking like that, he'll come. It's not sexy talk or a seduction, but it's what the man doesn't say that makes it so erotic. Spencer gets out of bed and approaches his lover. He slides his hands around Aaron's waist and presses their cocks together. Aaron's half-hard, his nervousness is obviously a factor.
Spencer kisses him first, because reassurances and unconditional acceptance are important, after all. It's slow. It's exploratory. Their tongues duel briefly before Spencer slides his mouth to the side, breaking the kiss. He's careful not to blow on Aaron's ear but he can barely control his own breathing.
Because what he's about to request is one of those 'it will never happen' fantasies that he entertains himself with on the nights he is alone. He pauses. There's the dilemma: should he ask or should he order? Equal or dominant? Spencer knows the answer and it takes him a second to adjust to the shift in power.
Spencer's voice is low. Soft yet infused with command. "Show me."
Aaron shudders and his dick hardens rapidly. His "Yes" is barely a whisper, but the unspoken sir is clearly there. Spencer wants to reach down and jerk them off together, but he can't. No. He can't.
Discipline, he knows, is hell.
Spencer releases him and steps to the side. It takes a few seconds for Aaron to move, but when he does, he picks up the towel and the toy and approaches the bed. There's a pause. His fingers hover over the dimmer dial on the nightstand table.
Spencer's brain catches up with his libido. He's used to doing this alone, with the door locked, without light and under the sheets, because God forbid Jack walking in on his father fucking himself with a sex toy. Aloud, he orders, "Continue."
Aaron nods once and dims the light by half so there's still plenty to see. He pulls back the sheets and moves the pillows around before spreading the towel out. There's a precision in his movements and Spencer bites his lips as he takes a few steps back so he can lean against the dresser. There's part of him that cannot believe Aaron is about to put on a show for him, but there's another part that realizes that Aaron anticipated his request.
Spencer tugs his balls hard to bring himself back from the edge.
Aaron's movements are methodical. Practiced. He kneels. He adjusts his weight. He reaches for the lube and slicks up his left forefinger. He faces Spencer which prevents Spencer from watching his finger work his hole. There's part of Spencer that wants his lover to turn around so he can see, but he decides the expressions on Aaron's face, the flush of the man's chest, and precum dripping from his arousal are what he wants to witness.
Because the next time—oh hell yes there will be next times—Aaron will be on all fours, his ass in the air and …
Getting ahead of yourself, Spencer mentally chastises and refocuses his attention on his lover.
Aaron's eyes are closed. His right hand is flat against his thigh. His left is behind him. Spencer recognizes when Aaron slips a finger inside himself by the way Aaron bites his lower lip and his hips shift forward. Aaron works himself for a few moments before pulling his hand back, coating two fingers with lube, and goes back to stretching himself.
Another minute or so passes by. The only sounds are Aaron's swallowed gasps here and there. And when he reaches for the anal plug—chest glistening with a light sheen of sweat—Aaron keeps his eyes closed and continues to chew on his lower lip. His hands tremble a little, the only real thing betraying his nerves, and it takes two tries for Aaron to open the lube and slick the toy.
Spencer strokes himself. He can't help it. Because by far, this little show is the sexiest thing he's ever seen. When Aaron takes the toy and moves it behind him, Spencer takes a few steps forward. He knows when Aaron begins to push the plug in by the way Aaron arches and lets out a quiet moan. Aaron's breathing turns a little labored and his brow creases. He rocks slightly on his knees and then … then … lets out this breathy huff before he wipes his left hand on the towel and places it on his thigh.
It takes a few moments for Spencer's mind to catch up, for him to realize that his lover is waiting for a command. He knows that Aaron's been fantasizing about this and doesn't want to disappoint him. He steps closer until his knees touch the end of the bed. He modulates his voice to one of soft authority. "Keep going."
Aaron stutters out, "Yes," as he complies. His left hand remains against his thigh as he begins to work his cock with his right. Spencer observes him for a few more moments, taking in the set of Aaron's shoulders, the way he gnaws occasionally on his lower lip, and the patterns of his breathing. What is most telling is the way Aaron grips himself: it's the way Spencer does when they're facing each other and getting each other off. The movements are a little slow, a little hesitant. Clearly, Aaron's still a bit nervous.
Spencer wonders just what fantasy Aaron conjures up when he practices. He wonders when Aaron turns on the vibrator. It's that thought that inspires him to give the order, "Stop."
Aaron's immediate compliance, complete with the verbal acknowledgement and his hand back on his thigh, makes Spencer bite back a moan. Spencer gets into the bed, careful not to touch his lover as he kneels to face him.
"So sexy," Spencer murmurs. "So, so sexy." He watches the way Aaron reacts to the praise, the slight sway of his upper body as if in relief. Spencer scoots a little closer and then places his left hand on Aaron's right shoulder. He keeps his voice quiet, soft not harsh. "Do not move your hands from your thighs. Do not open your eyes."
Aaron shivers as he breathes, "Yes."
Spencer then takes his other hand and places it at the nape of Aaron's neck. He has to shift in the bed again, but once he gets into position, he trails his hand down Aaron's spine and stops in the middle of his lower back. Aaron arches slightly and his breathing increases. Spencer continues drawing his fingers up and down his lover's spine, keeping the touches light but not ticklish.
After a few minutes, he asks, "How long have you been practicing?"
"Four weeks, three days."
Spencer stares at him in shock, but manages to keep his hand moving. It's longer than he's expecting but the thought that Aaron has been working on this for so long. Trying to get past those roadblocks. Oh, the dedication.
But what else did Spencer really expect? Of course Aaron would be determined to get past his inhibitions. Still, the whole using a vibrating butt plug for over a month is just…Spencer is a loss for words. He continues running his fingers up and down Aaron's spine, drawing closer and closer to Aaron's ass. When he finally strokes down Aaron's left cheek, Aaron inhales sharply and pushes back and then up, obviously wanting more contact.
"Do not move," Spencer orders and Aaron shivers again before murmuring his assent. He hardly thinks it punishment to concentrate his touches on Aaron's lower back as he wordlessly reestablishes command. When he finally draws a single finger down Aaron's butt crack, Aaron gasps and his whole body tenses. Unlike previous times, however, Spencer knows it's because Aaron's trying his best to stay still. Spencer rewards him with, "So good, so good."
Positive reinforcement is always a good thing, especially when it comes to matters like this.
Spencer nudges the edge of the butt plug and Aaron bites his lips as he moans. Curious, Spencer asks, "Is this what you think about when you practice?" And it's such an Aaron word to describe using a sex toy. "Me touching you like this?"
"Yes," Aaron tells him.
It's then that Spencer's finger glides across the top of the plug and the notched knob. Aaron, the overachieving and overcompensating bottom. Spencer traces the edges of the plug. "Do you stroke yourself when your turn it on? Or do you just turn it on and let yourself go?"
Spencer blinks. "Explain."
The blush highlights Aaron's cheeks. His voice is barely a whisper. "I … haven't."
The kiss Spencer gives Aaron is warm, slow and passionate. It's one of approval and it's one that Aaron seems to bask in, draining the earlier nervousness and hesitation. Spencer presses his lips against his lover's temple and cheek. He nuzzles that one spot and carefully nibbles Aaron's earlobe before he murmurs his praise. Spencer runs his hands along Aaron's back and ass, delivering light squeezes. Finally, he brings his left hand back to Aaron's shoulder and presses down, the silent command not to move.
The anticipation has Aaron trembling and flexing his hands against his thighs.
It's intoxicating to have so much control.
"It's just you and me here," Spencer tells him, because he remembers the first time that he had a vibrator rumble against his own prostate. "You can be noisy."
"Would you like me to be noisy?" Aaron asks, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Only if it's genuine," Spencer replies as his fingers brush carefully against Aaron's skin. He considers teasing him a little more, but knows that Aaron's close enough as it is. He fingers the edges of the plug, wriggling it slightly. He adjusts his grip on Aaron's shoulder and then, with his other hand, flicks the switch.
Instantly, Aaron shouts and his back arches, his head thrown back. His hips jerk as his grip tightens on his thighs. He then makes a low keening noise, mouth open, which is an interesting counterpoint to the buzz of the vibrator.
"So sexy. So beautiful," Spencer praises, memorizing the look on Aaron's face, the bow of his body, the flush of his chest, and the jut of his leaking cock. He jiggles the toy until Aaron lets out another shout and bucks beneath Spencer's grip. He debates on tweaking Aaron's nipples, but remembers that his lover isn't too keen on that type of stimulation.
Next time, he promises himself. And, oh, the list of things to do next time is rapidly growing. But there will only be a 'next time' if the first time is successful.
Aaron pants as his body trembles. His cock is an angry red, dripping and bobbing, as Aaron struggles to stay still.
"You want me to fuck you with it don't you?" Spencer whispers. His lover whimpers as his hips rock forward. He can't keep his hands off Aaron, squeezing his ass and tracing lines along his lower back and shoulders. "So good. So disciplined. So sexy. You want to cum so badly but you won't until I tell you to."
The "yes" sounds like a desperate whine. That's when Spencer releases his grip on Aaron's shoulder, trailing his fingers down Aaron's chest as the man pleads, "Pleasepleaseplease."
"So, so polite," Spencer teases as his hand rests on top of Aaron's. He changes position again so that he's still facing Aaron, but more directly in front of him. "I'm going to wrap my hand around you cock. When I say, 'now,' you're going to then fuck my hand until you come."
That earns a litany of 'yes, please!' and the desperate pitch in Aaron's voice is dangerously intoxicating. Carefully, he slides his fingers down and along Aaron's rock hard dick. Aaron softly chants, "Please" as his body trembles. Spencer closes his hand around the tip of Aaron's cock, tightening his fist just enough.
He breathes out, "Now," and immediately, Aaron thrusts hard into his hand.
It only takes four strokes before Aaron lets out a wail, convulses, and ejaculates so hard that Spencer can feel his dick pulsing. Spencer is quick with the praise, cradling Aaron's jaw and pressing kisses to his face as he does so. Aaron collapses backward, nearly slamming his skull against the headboard before Spencer catches him. It's tricky, but Spencer's able to reach down and turn off the vibrator. He knows that Aaron can't take much more.
Aaron sprawls out on the pillows, chest flushed and heaving. It's the most erotic thing Spencer has ever seen and he tells Aaron as much as he continues his praise and kisses. He shifts so that he's between Aaron's legs and with a few quick tugs of his own cock, his cum streaks across Aaron's sweaty belly.
Spencer wipes his hand on the towel and moves so that he's lying next to his lover. He keeps his phrases simple, figuring that Aaron isn't up to comprehending much more than, "So good, so sexy, so incredible." He continues the gentle affections, settling his hand on Aaron's chest as he says, "Thank you for this gift," because truly, Aaron did give himself over completely to Spencer. It's heady. It's kind of terrifying. It's … it's something that Spencer can't put words to.
Then, he hears the mumbled, "All for you."
It's sincere and heartfelt and all those silly words used to describe love.
Spencer curls around Aaron. "All for us," he whispers back. "All for us."
****** Finis ******