A/N: Hello! So this was written by me and one of my friends, and we were very hyper. So far, it has no particular plot, but anyway! On with the show!

Dear Diary,

Today, I saw Fagin watching Teletubbies again. Why? He sings the theme song and ignores me! Surely I am more important to him than Naughty Nu-Nu?

Charley Bates is playing with cheese again. He made a sculpture and I knocked it down. MWA HA HA! Then he cried. Wimp.

Marshmallows... Mmmmmmm... Nancy cooked them for my breakfast, lunch and dinner. Just the way I like it. Nancy is acting strange. I am scared she will dump me for another, Surely not Fagin. He 's a rat, and smells. I know he has a better beard than me, but... Or Charley? No, he is way too cheesy, and his beard is nonexistent. Mr. Bumble perhaps? But then... he is old, and wrinkles. But he does play the guitar. Maybe Nancy finds that attractive? Girls are such a mystery, and I don't have the charm for them, unlike Fagin. I remember, in my youth, he always had the girls, and I was left with the sweet, sweet marshmallows *snarfle* Talking about marshmallows, some trickster replaced my club with a carrot. I blame the Dodger. Or the koalas. Either of the two. They usually make good scapegoats. As does Charley Bates and his fellow cheese connoisseur.

I feel that I am losing my hair. Maybe that is why Nancy no longer loves me. She prefers men with hair. NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Bill Sikes.

Dear Diary.

I watched Teletubbies today. La La was almost in a scrape, but her friends got her out. YAY! La-La is my heroine. One day, I shall meet her, and we shall live happily ever after in a small cottage with roses and honeysuckle. I MUST NEVER LET BILL, OR CHARLEY OR DODGER READ THAT. They don't understand La-La like I do.

I fear that Bill suspects me of something. He glared at me, and called me a RAT! I am nothing like a rat. I am a very wise turtle. I told Charley this, and all he did was wave some cheese under my nose. Honestly. My gang are morons. I have a plan to turn Bet emo. I think it would work with her. She has a look about her. An emoish look...

Nancy and Dodger fear another koala attack, so I am readying the forces. I have introduced rationing, and made barricades, with the help of some random people who turned up singing about truth, justice, and elevating toads. Anyway...

Bill is acting strangely. I think he may be a unicorn in disguise. He is sparkly enough. He is always swishing his hair about, and I caught him muttering about romantic settings and moonlight. Although that might mean that he has finally realised that Nancy cares for him.

I am sounding like an old man with nothing better to do than watch TV. But I am not that man. I am a SUPERHERO! I SHALL SWEEP LA-LA OFF HER FEET AND WE SHALL DANCE...


Dear Diary,

I tasted a new cheese today. It was like a party had started in my mouth, and everyone was invited! Except Bill and Fagin and Nancy and Bet and Dodger, 'cos they'd ruin it with talk about koalas and beer and La-la, and marshmallows. I hate them sometimes. They are so crude, and they do not understand cheese. My little pet Dolfy does. He is a kindred spirit. He is my best friend in the whole entire world! I love him to bits! Stop there. RIGHT THERE. OK. Good. Cheese *snarfles* Nancy caught me snarfling her cheese in a corner, and she chased me around with a fish. Where she got the thing from...

I love cheese. The sweet aroma as it is enticed into my nostrils, the lovely, heavenly taste of mature blue hairy cheese- the hairier the better. Mmmmm...

The (hairy) cheese connoisseur, a.k.a: Charley Bates.

Dear Diary,

I fear Bill has stopped loving me. Perhaps he prefers Bet. I knew she was trouble... *grumbles* But I shall prevail! Opera and glitter forever. *sings Handel's Messiah*

Fagin hates my singing. He called it rubbish, and I slapped him. He said it sounded like a thousand mouse squeaking out of tune. I told him his precious La- La will never love him. He burst into tears and had a tantrum on the floor. Bill came in, and walked straight out again.

Wouldn't you? I decided to tease Dodger for a bit. 'Cos I can. That usually makes me feel better. Then I sang again. And added some pink sparkles to my bonnet. Sparkles, sparkles, sparkles...

I LOVE SPARKLES! BUT I LOVE BILL TOO! So many conflicting emotions. I must... flee! Flee to a land of opera and sparkles and unicorns, where I am understood. Or I could just have an affair with Fagin. I shall! It will make Bill jealous so I will do it! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Much love and operatic feeling, Nancy. xx

Dear Diary,

Today I dreamed of fairies. I flew with them through a moonlit wood and they sang to me, and I sang with them, and out voices made a splendid chorus in the still air.

I saw Fagin today. He was muttering about La-La and something about Bill and marshmallows. Ah well. Nothing abnormal. In my dream, Fagin had wings and he flew higher than me, singing about pie. I am sure that this has great significance, if only I could figure out what.

I have decided to become a fairy. I wish to be enlightened, and I wish to fly! Free and high, above those who try and pull me down. I will not be trifled with things like marshmallows, or cheese, or glitter, or fortune cookies, or elevating toads anymore. I shall meet a wonderful lady and I shall fall in love with her. The fairies have told me so, so it must be true. They would never lie to me!


Dear Diary,

Fagin stole a box of fortune cookies, and gave us all one. Bill's said that he should shave. So true... Nancy's told her to beware of a duck wearing a feather boa and calling itself... Carrot. Odd. I wonder what the symbolism is. Charley's ranted about cheese and more cheese. And, he tried to forcefeed me his hairiest, bluest, most horrible cheese. Urgh. I almost died! I had reached for the poker, to end my miserable life when Bill came in ranting about marshmallows. Charley turned on Bill instead, and I fled to wash my mouth out. The taste has not yet gone *shudders*. ANYWAY... Fagin's cookie told him to be careful around small furry mammals by the name of George, especially if they have wooden mallets, and he banned all grapes from the house. Bet was angry, because she likes wooden mallets. But my cookie... My cookie said that I had a beard. I suppose I do in spirit. Is this a bad thing? I didn't know, and now I am scared of the dreaded beards in case the cookie knows something. My life is in turmoil! I feel in my bones that the answer lies with a ferret. I start my search for one tomorrow. ADIOS!


Today Fagin tickled me with a feather. It depressed me so much that I thought I would kill myself... If I wasn't having so much fun being emo.

Isn't that such an amazing word? Emo. Eeeeeeeemo. Hehe. Black.

I decided I would paint all the walls in Fagin's den black, and I told Oliver of my evil... I mean, emo... scheme. He screamed like a girl and ran out to tell the fairies. Sometimes I think that boy really needs a good dose of black paint.

I painted the walls anyway.

Today I feel like blotting out the sun. I found some blotting paper on the street, so I will use it in my evil plan. It will be as easy as taking black paint from a baby... Which sounds fun, so I will try that later.

After carrying out my evil plan of painting the walls black, I went up to my room and gave myself a tattoo of a spider.

Then I went to Bill and he screamed like a girl and ran out of the room.

There's a lot of girls around here who aren't Nancy and I. Nancy gave me a very good piece of advice today. She said... never eat truffles, and walked away from me. In future I will do nothing but paint truffles back.

I think I will become a newspaper columnist now. My first headline will be 'I see a red door and I want to paint it black, black, black, as black as night' It's got a ring to it.


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