Bonjour, we are the toad elevators, pioneers of rock and roll and pie, and we do not own anything except the socks that one of us is wearing. SOCKSES...
Today I decided to form a band. We shall call ourselves the TOAD ELEVATORS! after my dear wife's obsession. The first thing we will do is write a song all about everybody we know. Then we shall become famous and be on MTV, when it is invented. I have decided that for our concerts, I shall wear nothing but feathers, only feathers! My minions will have to find me lots of feathers because I will be a star! MWAHAHAHA.
But first, to find a band. My dear friend Oliver wrote to me telling me of his fairies. He said that his fairies had sent him a dream that Fagin wold me an excellent drummer. Maybe I should take his advice, but is it a good idea having him in this band? He may try to usurp my position, especially as we are already rivals over Bet... At least, that is what I think he is up to. He wishes to steal my darling Bet away from me *sobs*
The truth is, diary, that... Bet is... my... daughter! Yes. She is my daughter, even though she may not know it, and I cannot risk a tofu marshmallow like fagin gaining her love. it would make me sick, and then I'd have to steal bill's marshmallows, and then where would we be?
So I must go on a QUEST to find my drummer, and also a suitable husband for Bet.
Mr. Bernard-Bobrick-Bumble-Bee-Borkbumble Bumble
I wrote you a song. It is called... Here Comes The Sun. I know that scamp George Harrison says he wrote it, but don't listen to him. I only play the drum part of it, but don't worry, my love, it sounds very romantic.
On lighter notes, I woke up this morning to find that undoritolike Dodger trying to snip my beard off. I thought he looked slightly different this morning... his hair was a little longer... But it must have been a trick of the light for when I came out to find him sitting with Charley saying No, cheese is not the best thing is the world, chocolate covered coffee beans are...:D HIs hair was the normal length! very strange. perhaps I should get my eyes checked. My optician, Mrs Sparklepuff, is very nice. and she doesn't like knives at all. only poison. But she is no competition at all for you, my love, never fear.
Bill told me that women like men who can speak another language, so I am learning French, Italian, Spanish, Swahii, Basque, Russian, English, Mandarin and Gaelic. Hope you like it Darling. Ah! it is time for my Swahili lesson! I must fly. ADIOS!
Fagin xxxxx I LOVE YOU LALA!
Something fishy's going on. People are accusing me of doing things that I havent done. I wish I had done them, as they are pretty groovy things to be doing. This makes me tihink... why? am I losing my touch? but no. THe great Artful Dodger does not lose His Touch. He is born with His Touch and He Will Die With His Touch... Thats a pretty good band name actually. Why arent I in a band? I should be in a band.
Anyway... Is someone trying to take my place as most awesome person in the universe? I wonder... do I have an imposter? (that must mean I'm pretty important anyway...) I bet it's Charley. he always was jealous of my limelight. Right! I'm off to search for a new best friend. ADIOS!
Dodger. the REAL Dodger Dodger Dodger
I am ZE greatest imposter! Nobody's even noticed me! YAY! my planne is vurking!...
I think, for my next impostering mission, I will join the band called The Toad Elevators. I saw flyers for them on the street and they look pretty groovy. not nearly long enough hair though, and theyve gotta lose those drab clothes and wear more colours and beads and FLOWERS. and Peace signs. I would know because I AM... I cant tell you who I am, because that would spoil the story. annoying directors and scriptwriters...
But never fear. I shall go and bop my sorrows away, and prepare an audition for this band. If I don't like them, or they reject me, I will sneak up behind the lead guitarist during a concert, and put his guitar out of tune.
I love my new pet. I named her Lilith and she's a plot bunny. She's very soft and I love her, But when I Told Bill This, He Said That Was Stupid and Bunnies Can't Be Plotted and Where Were The Marshmallows, So I upended a vat of sparkles and glow in the dark indelible inedible paint over his head. Now I Will Be Able to Se Him In The Dark So He Can't sneak up on me anymore! YAY! and I love my plot bunny. We will be together forever. She does not sneer when I sing OPERA and she does not sneak up on me since I dyed her fur pink. She loves it when I put ribbons in her hair, unlike Charley, who runs away. The one strange thing she does is... She keeps asking me to comb the fur on her head into a mohawk. I told her she would not suit this look, but she keeps asking. Honestly. Kids these days.
Bill told me he wants to bring out a new line of clothing- "Street Chic" after his own 'Look'. I told him no-one in their right sparkles would want to buy torn, bloodstained white shirts and battered brown leather jackets with rust stains. and they will especially not want to buy Old black fringed black leather biker trousers. ick. Nobody else on the street wears that anyway. I said he should reentitle it 'Social Reject Housebreaker on the Run Chic' but he said this would not appeal to his target audience as it has no USP. I did not understand a word of that sentence. However, Bill has made me think about a new career for myself. I think I would Like To Become A Model. Bill said I was still too short as I am only 5'3". He's only 5'2" himself, so I don't know what he's complaining about. He's even shorter than Dodger.
Anyway, toodle'oo, am going on a quest to find a job as a model, see you later! xx and sparkles, Nancy!
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