A/N: I really need to stop getting ideas for stories…Hahaha I already have like 4 ongoing ones already! I don't need a fifth! Too bad this is going to be a fifth. And a sixth will probably soon come out. (Maybe when I'm done with Save Me and The ABC's of Kames…) Anyway. This is an alternate ending to Big Time Break Up. IDK why I decided to come out with it now…I had originally wanted to wait until it actually came out! But I couldn't hold it in…Is anyone else thinking this sounds kinda perverted? XD Anyway. I'm trying this style of writing. Hope it's ok! READ!
Chapter 1: James POV.
The funny thing is, nobody ever really knows how much anybody else is hurting. We could be standing next to someone who is completely broken and we wouldn't even know it.
It's amazing how insightful people are.
How true and deep their quotes can get.
And it's even more amazing how I can understand the deeper, most hurt ones.
It was seven pm when we got home.
Jo had left an hour ago.
They had broken up an hour ago. And by they, I mean Jo and Kendall.
To say Kendall was heartbroken, was devastated, was depressed, would be a total understatement. Like, yeah.
I had tried everything to cheer him up. Talked about the new hockey game coming up. The new album. The new song. Anything to cheer him up. I even let Carlos on him, and Carlos can cheer up any living and nonliving thing. It didn't work.
Kendall retreated to his room shortly after.
What was I to do? Sit there and let my friend get that upset over a freaking girl?
What did I do? Sit there and let my friend get that upset over a freaking girl.
I wasn't not too happy with myself either. And that's saying a lot, considering I love myself.
You wouldn't think so, considering my parents divorced when I was thirteen. It wasn't a good divorce either. Took a whole year to get the papers signed. You see, my dad had abused me for three years until my mom found out. That very day, she called the cops and got the divorce papers out. Ever since, my mom had…treated me differently. With more care and love, I guess. She taught me how to love myself.
What was I supposed to do? I freaking loved Ken-!
I shouldn't have said that.
Too late now. You already know.
I loved Kendall. With all my being, I might add.
I can't help it. He gave up his dreams for mine. Who wouldn't fall in love with him? And, his personality…and his looks (an added bonus)…and the fact that he's always there for me. I just need to be there for him.
I got up off my lazy butt and walked into our room.
No matter how much it hurt me, comforting him about Jo, I needed to be there for him.
Because I loved him.
Even if he didn't love me back.
He only did in my dreams.
Did you know that I don't like to waste love?
You do now.
I don't love the girls I date. I like them, or lust them (as Logan would say). I don't love them.
I don't really believe in love. Well, I didn't until I met Kendall.
Not once have I ever told anybody I loved them.
Ask Logan, Carlos, Mrs. Knight, Katie, my mom, or Kendall.
They just know.
Actions speak louder than words.
And yet, they still tell me they love me, because they're my family, even if I just smile and nod my head, giving no reply.
He was lying on the bed, head in his hands and curled into a ball, sobbing.
I murmured one word. "Kendall."
He froze. He never cried in front of us. He didn't want to start now.
"Yes?" He tried to sound ok. His voice quivered. Quite audibly.
"Stop trying to be the fucking leader all the time and cry once in a while. It's not good to hold it in." I didn't know where that came from.
Kendall turned around, tears streaking down his face. "Just like you do?"
That hurt. A lot.
I sat on his bed and pulled him close to me. Why bother replying when I know it's the truth?
He snuggled into my side as we lied down. He hugged me around my torso, sobbing into my shoulder about Jo. I only put my arm around his shaking shoulders, giving him the comfort he needed.
"She…she br-broke up with me. Long d-distance relationships n-never w-w-work."
I only nodded. It was kinda true. The only exception was true love. What they had wasn't true love.
Soon enough, his sobs ceased. His breaths evened out and his clutch on me loosened. I didn't move. Instead, I pulled him closer.
If I can't have him, then I'm taking what I can get.
It was nine am when I woke up.
Kendall was still sleeping.
I softly removed his arms and got up, leaving a note on where I went as if he would care.
I walked into the kitchen and made myself a bagel. Covered in cream cheese. Just how I liked it.
I was eating it when Kendall walked out.
His eyes were rimmed red. His hair was a mess. In general, he looked like shit.
But still beautiful. To me, anyway.
He came over and sat by me, making himself a bowl of cereal.
We ate in silence.
"Where is everybody?" I had just finished my bagel.
I shrugged my shoulders as I cleaned my dish. I looked at the fridge and found a note.
"No freaking dur." Kendall rolled his eyes.
I laughed. "Your mom and Katie are having a girls' day. Carlos and Logan went to the amusement park for the whole day."
"Oh." Kendall looked down.
"Did you know that they've been dating now?"
"What? How long?"
"About a week. We tried telling you…but you were focused on something else."
"Oh." Kendall's eyes screamed hurt and guilt.
I took him by the hand and sat him on the couch. Now was my chance. It was now or never.
I looked away from his eyes. I couldn't look at them when I was about to confess my undying love for him!
"James. What's wrong?"
Why did he have to say my name?
I bit my lip.
"I'm your best friend. You can tell me anything."
Not really. No.
I looked up at him, my eyes watery. "I can't."
It was the first time I'd ever come close to crying in front of my friends.
He looked scared. "Yes, you can."
I raised my voice a little higher. "No! You'll hate me! I can't have you hate me!"
"Why would I-"
"Because you're in love with Jo!"
"What's that got to do with anything?"
"Every time I see you two together, talking, being a couple and doing couple-y things together-" so maybe I didn't have a way with words… "-I die inside a little bit! And it's amazing how oblivious to everything you are!" I was at my breaking point. Before, I had just a few cracks. Nothing huge. Easy to hide. I was breaking. "I fucking love you! And It kills me to see you fawning over a girl that's probably never going to love you back as you love her!" Oh my God. I said it.
I was sobbing now, standing up, too. Kendall looked shocked, and angry I might add.
He just stared at me. Looking into my eyes and soul. Witnessing how broken I truly was.
"I need to go."
He broke the contact and stood.
"I knew it." He turned around. "Not even brave enough to reply."
Where was this anger coming from?
He punched me. Square in the eye.
"I don't love you the same way, James."
He stormed out and slammed the door.
I just walked to my room. I shared it with Carlos, who was surprisingly a neat freak. Just like me. Too bad I could care less.
I threw myself on the bed and plain out sobbed.
It was 8:50 when the girl Knight's came home.
They found me in the bathroom, passed out, with a bloody fist and my now black eye.
I had punched the mirror 20 minutes prior. It had felt good.
The pain had felt good.
It made the other pain go away.
They had to wake me up and bandage my hand.
I avoided their eyes.
If I looked them in the eyes, they would know just how much pain I was in.
I couldn't have that.
I fell asleep on the bed 10 minutes later.
Kendall walked through the door at about 10 pm, two days later.
We locked eyes once before he looked away. He pointed at my fist and asked, "You alright?"
"Just peachy." I muttered back.
Kendall swallowed harshly and took the wrath from his mother, consisting of an hour lecture and 20 minute sobbing.
The next day, I didn't get out of bed.
Carlos asked me if I was ok, I only nodded and said I was sick.
I wasn't sick in the physical aspect. More in the love aspect.
Logan had come in and checked up on me. He said I had a fever.
When he brought me a bowl of soup, he looked me in the eye and said, "Are you ok?"
Stop asking if I'm ok, because I don't know how much longer I can lie to your face.
I looked away and nodded.
"James…" His tone was stern. It was the same tone my Dad had used when he was mad.
"James." His voice softened. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to sound like that."
I only nodded trying to hold the tears in.
"I can tell something's wrong. Tell me."
I shook my head.
"I'll ask Kendall."
I stared at him coldly. "Be my fucking guest."
I got out of bed.
"Where are you going?"
I walked into the bedroom bathroom and locked the door. I couldn't have Logan walking in.
It was a good thing I planned ahead and wore a long sleeve shirt to bed. I couldn't have him seeing the bandages.
I got the blade out. My salvation. My friend.
I slashed my wrist.
Kendall hated me. He would never love me back.
I had seen that look on his face! Pure hatred and anger.
When he had gotten home, he didn't look too guilty. Maybe he pitied me, just like my Dad always said.
Maybe my Dad was right, no one liked me. They pitied me.
I hate pity.
I quickly cleaned the cuts and bandaged them up. I put the shirt on and flushed the toilet for effect. I then turned the faucet on, cleaning the sink, my blade, and the floor as the water ran. I shut it off and walked out the door to face Logan.
He was still holding the soup.
I took it, and quickly ate it while getting in bed again.
I handed it back. He left.
I just wallowed in my pain for the rest of the day.
I hated the fact, hated it, despised and detested it, that no matter how much Kendall would hurt me, no matter how much he hated me or pushed me away, I would always love him. How demented was that?
That true fucking love for you.
I hate myself.
A/N:How was that? I like this already! One of my favorites, for sure! I don't know why, but I'm enjoying writing in first person POV for James. :D Please, tell me how I did and REVIEW!