Summary: AU in which Harry is more... flamboyant and did not grow up completely despised by his family. The result? Dudley loses a punching bag but gains a sassy gay friend! Based on the video series made by Second City Network (just search for Sassy Gay Friend on Youtube).

Ever since he could remember, Harry had been confined to the cupboard under the stairs rather than having a proper bedroom. Anyone who actually took a look a good look around the "room" would realize that the boy was not taking this slight as badly as his aunt and uncle would have hoped. It was rather cozy on the whole, a testament to his years of stealing his aunt's issues of "Better Homes and Gardens" and "Martha Stewart Living." The cupboard also seemed to be larger on the inside than it would appear to be from the outside. A careful observer might question why anyone would build a window, complete with mini blinds and attractive navy blue curtains, in a cupboard under the stairs. The smarter ones would ask why this window could not be seen from the outside of the house. And how on Earth, these hypothetical observers would wonder, could one fit a king-sized bed, an extensive wardrobe, a vanity table, a sewing machine, a floor-to-ceiling bookcase full of magazines, an indoor pool, a 32-inch plasma screen, and a beanbag chair in one tiny cupboard under the stairs?

Of course, the only visitor to Harry's cupboard was Harry's cousin Dudley, who was well-used to his cousin's quirks. Dudley knew his parents well enough to realize that, as much as they loved their son, they despised any mention of Harry or abnormality. Plus, he valued his cousin's friendship (and 24-hour access to the indoor pool) too much to tell his mum or dad anything about how much Harry was enjoying the room that was meant as a punishment for... being Harry.

There had been a time when Dudley behaved just like his parents, treating Harry badly and blaming him for everything that went wrong. But all that changed when they were about eight, and Dudley realized that underneath the small, skinny body and flashy clothes (hand-me-downs of Dudley that Harry had altered beyond all recognition) was one of the, oh Hell, the smartest person Dudley knew.

It had all started one chilly morning during Christmas break. Eight year-old Dudley was going about his usual routine. He had the small skinny body of Marvin Hutchinson pinned against a wall and was kicking the nerdy boy in his privates, something he had seen on one of his dad's movies. It seemed to be working, as Hutchinson was slumped over and groaning in pain. "I know you got 20 pounds birthday money," Dudley growled, sounding as menacing as a six year old boy could be expected to sound. "So give it up!" Hutchinson reached a shaking hand into his pocket, about to pull out a crisp 20 pound note that he had put in there only this morning. Dudley grinned in triumph but was soon interrupted by a familiar voice.

"I think someone else needs to lose 20 pounds. What, what, WHAT are you doing?" Harry suddenly appeared behind Dudley, his hands on his hips. He was wearing an old black long-sleeved shirt of Dudley's. However, the pansy had carefully altered to make it fit his girlish frame. Now, the once extra-large shirt appeared to be too short for his cousin; the sleeves didn't quite reach Harry's wrists and the shirttail just barely reached Harry's hips. He was also wearing a pair of Dudley's faded old blue jeans that he had altered so they clung to his skinny legs and dyed so they looked new. His freaky, fruity cousin had topped off the whole ensemble with a sparkly orange scarf that rain or shine, he never left the house without. Harry technically wasn't allowed out of the house wearing that scarf, but Harry was a freak, what do you expect? Dudley made a mental note to tell his mother about Harry's freakish outfit when he got home from the shopping spree he would go on with Hutchinson's birthday money. He would enjoy snickering at Harry as his mum yelled at his moronic cousin.

"He's got money. I want it," Dudley replied slowly, as if speaking to a buffoon.

"And I want your thick golden waves on my head instead of this mess here." Harry flipped his hair, which remained untidy despite liberal application of any kind of mousse and hairspray. He knew the only way his hair would ever stay down would be to grow it out long, but every two weeks, his aunt dragged him to the barber shop to get a haircut. She would die before she lived in the same house as any long-haired male. "That doesn't mean I put my foot in your sausage factory."

Dudley's face wrinkled in confusion at the phrase "Sausage factory." What did Harry's favorite breakfast have to do with anything? (And Dudley knew it was Harry's favorite breakfast, because every time his mum cooked sausages, Harry would loudly proclaim them to be "the best thing in the history of ever" and make a big deal out of eating his. Instead of cutting it into bite-sized pieces, Harry would gently pick his up and slowly bring it to his lips and stuff as much of it into his mouth as he could. He wouldn't bite it, though. He would just suck on it before pulling it out. He would repeat this process until dad threatened to lock him in his cupboard for a month. Harry would then give mum and dad this stupid look that he clearly intended to convey innocent surprise. This would only raise dad's blood pressure further, and he would slap Harry around the head. Harry would gag on the sausage still in his mouth, rub his head where dad had hit him and mumble something random like "I like it rough." Whenever Harry opened his mouth, unless it was to stuff in a sausage, weird comments were sure to come out.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand.

"He's a dorky piece of piss. And a nerd!" Dudley's eight year-old mouth shot out the worst insults that he could think of. "And you are too!" He shot at Harry. Dudley was a second away from grabbing Harry and throttling him, but his selectively shrewd mind made the connection that he currently had his hands on someone who Dudley knew had money in his pocket. It was highly unlikely that his dweeby cousin had any cash on him. So, he quickly decided against letting go of the dork with money to beat up a dork without money. There would be other opportunities.

"So we beat him up and take his money? You can't just beat the shit out of everybody who annoys you! If I did that, Jersey Shore would start getting a lot more interesting."

Dudley had no idea what Harry was going on about. He desperately tried to stay afloat in the confusing argument. "Not we! Me! I'm gonna beat him up and take his money! You're gonna stay out of my way and let me go shopping!"

"Oooh! You're going shopping? Please say it's for new clothes!" Harry squealed.

"No! Now get out of my face" roared Dudley, attempting to turn his attention back to Marvin Hutchinson.

"Then what are you shopping for?" Harry asked curiously.

"I need some soda. Or maybe some juice. Or a slushie... It's none of your business! Now beat it!"

"You know, I have a beverage that you might be interested in."

Dudley raised an eyebrow curiously. "Is it that David Hasselhoff stuff that you were talking about last night?"


"Last night, you said that David Hasselhoff was good to the very last drop."

"Um, no, I was talking about... something else." Maybe Harry should refrain from talking like that around Dudley. After all, the television in his cousin's room had parental controls on it. Since his aunt and uncle had no idea that Harry had somehow managed to acquire a television for his cupboard (and never seemed to hear the noise through the walls no matter how loudly he had the telly on), Harry was free to watch anything he wanted. "This beverage is, if possible, even better. Wouldn't you like a delicious water beverage made just to your personal taste?"

"Yes," Dudley admitted. That did sound good right about now, after all this work.

"Then make it MiO! All you need to do is FTS."

"FTS?" repeated Dudley, puzzled.

Harry pulled a 20 ounce bottle of water and a small, round, silver container out of nowhere. "Flip it," Harry flipped the lid off of the silver container, "Tip it," Harry tipped the silver container upside down over the bottle of water, causing a small amount of red sugar-water to come out, "Sip it," Harry sipped the from the water bottle, grinned, and offered it to Dudley, who swallowed half the drink in one gulp.

"That is good," Dudley admitted.

"Now, what do you say we forget about this mess and go get some more?"

"Sounds good to me," said Dudley. "This is getting to be too much work."

They walked off together, leaving a relieved Marvin Hutchinson to question his sanity.

The cousins hadn't gone very far before Dudley stopped in his tracks. "Harry?" he said. "We don't have any money."

Harry gasped and slapped his forehead. "I totally forgot about that! C'mon you stupid bitch," Harry said in a friendly kind of way. "That's what parents are for."

Dudley, shocked that he didn't think of this before, hurried home to ask his mum for money. Harry lagged behind, knowing that his appearance would not cause Dudley's mother to be particularly generous. He grinned fondly after his cousin, shaking his head. "He's a stupid bitch," Harry said warmly to nobody in particular.