Author's Note: Still not a native/fluent English speaker. Sorry. I try, though. I'm giggling my head off here, too. So proud I finally did it. :D Written in response to the endless Cameron vs. 13 (vs. Cuddy) wars. WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR THE SANE.
House's new team is a bunch of idiots, thought the ever so haughty ER head as she sat in the corner hunched over her former boss's endless pile of paperwork. How could they even be missing the sarcoidosis screaming at them from the whiteboard 'Howdy, neighbors!' It was blatant. She rolled her eyes, knowing that no one was paying any attention to her, and muttered "You should do a CT scan. Might be surprised what you might find."
Four heads turned around abruptly to remind themselves who that annoying voice that kept popping up every now and then was. "Dr. Cameron, I understand your need to contribute to the differential, but if you'd been paying attention, you would have noticed we suggested that about thirty seconds ago," spoke up the only other woman in the room.
Oh. Alright, maybe she was a little preoccupied with thoughts of the old times and how it always seemed to mean something, maybe a little jealousy here and there… "Then what are you still doing here?" she asked decorating a report with one of House's signatures with a loopy G.
"Contemplating different options, which would be significantly easier if you stopped butting in," replied the brunette nonchalantly as she flipped through the file.
"There are no different options. Do the scan," Cameron retorted.
"Oh, yeah? Is that how things were when you were around, just going for the first disease you get? No wonder he needed a new team."
Foreman thought he saw smoke coming out of his old colleague's ears. Now he had barely seen Cameron angry, but he had a feeling that this was neither the time nor place to question anyone's ability to do their job. For one thing, there was a dying patient on their table. Well, their bed. "Thirteen, let's just go do the test—"
"Foreman, I dare you! Don't you know anything about lesbians? This is their idea of foreplay," House hissed in a loud 'I actually intend for you to hear me' whisper as he gripped the cane in his hands and observed the two doctors as if he were watching a documentary on mating rituals of ostriches. "If you interrupt this, I'm going to have to fire you."
Cameron stood up, took off her glasses and lied them down on the desk, deliberately ignoring (or maybe not even having heard) her asshole of a boss. Er, former boss. "Do you have a problem with me?"
"Me? No, however, it seems you have a problem with me or else you would let me do my job properly," the brunette replied and followed her example.
"Uh-huh, apparently now they're fighting over the dominant position of the alpha female in the relationship," House said, pretending to take notes. No one paid any attention to him, eyes fixed on their colleague who so valiantly stood up to that intruder.
"It's not my fault I'm a better doctor than you," Thirteen added nonchalantly.
Awkward silence ensued.
"Excuse me?" Cameron struggled to find the words, completely taken aback. In the end, "No, you're not," was the only thing she could say.
"Yes, I am."
"Unlike you, I can do a better job of talking to patients than you'll ever do," the blonde retorted again and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Yes, and then they die. I, on the other hand, can prevent that. Pardon me for thinking that people prefer to be healthy than to have someone break the news to them kindly."
"My point is that if you talked to the patient, you might find out something about their condition. Or if you had at least read the file thoroughly you would have noticed that the patient has had a kidney transplant six months ago, which is another possible cause of the infection."
"You two are sleeping together," House suddenly announced, eying the two women suspiciously.
Thirteen sighed and looked the other woman in the eye. "Damn it, we overdid it."
Cameron shrugged and put her glasses back on. "I suppose. So close, though. Well, now that the cat's out of the bag, let's go and have hot lesbian sex in the supply closet, shall we?" she proposed with a smile and proceeded to lead the other doctor out of the office.
Foreman, Kutner and Taub sat dumbfounded at the conference table. "I honestly have no idea what just happened. Do any of you think they were serious and if yes, when exactly? Was it the arguing part or the sleeping together part?" Kutner inquired while making unmistakable gestures with his hands.
"There's only one way to find out," House whispered, a glimmer of heroic determination in his eyes. "For the good of all mankind."
"You know, you have to give me credit for one thing, though," the internist said in between planting light kisses across her collarbone and steadily moving southward.
"Mmmm?" Cameron huffed out, trying to comprehend what was being said since, believe it or not, the act required a handful more brain cells than she currently had at her disposal. Apparently, it also had something to do with the lack of air and her back being pressed against the wall and—oh my God in heaven!
"I can still press the right buttons just a little better than you."
There was barely enough room for the two of them, let alone meaningless objections. "Definitely, you definitely can."
A cry of victory came from behind the locked door. "I KNEW IT!"